gay like me? - Page 6

CJB · 10-12-2009, 05:44 PM

I'm transgendered but legally married to my wife in a same-sex marriage since I am still legally female. I'm pre-op/non-op FTM.

dogmom · 10-12-2009, 05:52 PM

CJB
ahh, you will not go for re-assignment then <"non-op">?

you go to any Pridefests in your area? Went with hubby and enjoyed it

I am glad that, at least where I am, bi and trans folks are more accepted in the community now.

melissa · 10-12-2009, 06:12 PM

Hi dogmom, and CJB again (saw you in one of my threads!). I have read/heard very little about FTM transpeople. I sometimes wish to wear certain, stylish men's clothing, but I'm pretty sure that's nowhere near a gender identity! I know a male who wishes to become MTF with surgery on a mental health site I go on- he lives in (another) small town and his family are not supportive.

I live in a small town, and to be gay is to get gossiped about. My first boyfriend's mum knew someone who was transvestite, I believe, and this person got their house egged, was attacked, things like that which just seem so stupid. I believe people owe it to themselves to be/live true to themselves. There are many things I wouldn't choose for myself- but then I don't think gender issues or sexual issues are a choice, any more than I choose to be bisexual- it's just part of me- but I wouldn't attack anyone or egg their house. Maybe I'm more open-minded than most, but even if someone lived their lives in a way I did not understand, or did not want for myself, it's their life- none of my business.

Interestingly, I jokingly compared being bisexual to being hard-of-hearing the other day, in that I'm in between two things- there's a view that bi people are either gay and in denial, or greedy- well call me greedy then!! I struggled for a long time; I couldn't understand why I liked women and why then I did not identify as gay, because I also liked men. Being HoH is in between the deaf world and the hearing world. But I'm learning that there are plenty of people who are also bi, or HoH, and neither is looked down upon for what they are not. My first boyfriend was very close minded about anyone who was not exactly like him, and it destroyed my self esteem and confidence in my own beliefs.

It's nice to find people on here who are like me- there's far more to me than wearing hearing aids, or being bisexual, or the colour of my hair, but these things are all a part of me, and it's comforting to know I'm accepted if I choose to talk about it.

CJB · 10-12-2009, 07:13 PM

That's a really good analogy melissa, about HOH/bisexual being stuck between the deaf and hearing words, the straight and gay worlds. In fact my gender identity is a lot like being HOH as well because I identify as more male, but not completely male. That's part of the reason why I'm possibly non-op. The other reasons are that I have plenty of health issues as is and don't want to sign myself up for complications of any sort. I don't feel like your average straight male guy. I feel somewhere between a butch lesbian and a FTM transsexual, but for simplicity's sake I usually tell people I'm FTM and that way they have an easier time picking a pronoun as well.

I agree I was very pleasantly surprised to find other GLBT members on here.

dogmom · 10-12-2009, 07:24 PM

I agree!
I have been told my some lesbians that bi people "don't exist" and have run across those old "it's a phase", "you're selling out", "you're fickle" etc.

I've read about the "gender-friendly" pronoun thing in the community and found it interesting. If I don't know and no one to ask <or they don't know yet> I tend to think or write "s/he".

I have many parts to me - we all do. I do think having different aspects that do not fit easily into labels can offer new perspectives. At least, this has been my experience for me. It can also be challenging....

dogmom · 10-12-2009, 07:26 PM

but actually, that "s/he" thing of mine is limiting because it reinforces dichotomy of gender/sex.

melissa · 10-13-2009, 05:37 AM

I think my quest for labels explains one of my other threads...! It's always been hard for me to say 'this is me'- with 'this' being something unlabelled, rather than 'I am xyz'.

Ah, CJB, well what pronoun (if any) do you prefer? I would just refer to you as CJB had I not read this thread.

I go on some other websites, about specific things- a craft website- and it pretty much discourages anything other than craft talk. It's nice to find a website that's not enforcing adherence- the name is alldeaf, but I don't consider myself deaf, not everyone here is deaf, and we don't have to talk about it all the time! Yes, it is a part of me, which I'm coming to accept, but so are many other things- I love crafts, music, reading, adult things I cant mention here ;-) and much more!

Dogmom, it's interesting that you were called fickle...my mum's first, ignorant response when I told her I was bi was 'Does this mean you're going to be promiscuous?'. I burst out laughing- I've always been bi, so if I was going to be promiscuous I would have done it already, and I certainly wouldn't tell her about it! I told that I'm monogamous, so it makes no difference!

At the moment, I still hold a candle for my ex- he's male -but he could just as easily be female, it wouldn't matter to me. It's virtually impossible, knowing him, but if he ever decided he wanted to be referred to as female, or have an operation, I'd be happy for him, for being true to himself, and I'd love him just as much. I would however be a little annoyed that I knew nothing about this :p I know him well, though, and it's not something he wants.

People often ask me, usually when I'm single, what % bisexual I am- I think that, for a start it's irrelevant, and it changes every day anyway- I love my male ex, and am sexually attracted to him, over other people. Some days I've felt more of an attraction to females, other days male, and other days I'm just living and not thinking about sex or love!

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10-12-2009, 05:44 PM	#151 (permalink)
CJB deafblind writer Join Date: Aug 2009 Location: U.S. Posts: 1,425	I'm transgendered but legally married to my wife in a same-sex marriage since I am still legally female. I'm pre-op/non-op FTM.

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10-12-2009, 05:52 PM	#152 (permalink)
dogmom Registered User Join Date: Feb 2009 Posts: 1,469	CJB ahh, you will not go for re-assignment then <"non-op">? you go to any Pridefests in your area? Went with hubby and enjoyed it I am glad that, at least where I am, bi and trans folks are more accepted in the community now.

10-12-2009, 06:12 PM	#153 (permalink)
melissa Registered User Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: Cheshire, UK. Posts: 188	Hi dogmom, and CJB again (saw you in one of my threads!). I have read/heard very little about FTM transpeople. I sometimes wish to wear certain, stylish men's clothing, but I'm pretty sure that's nowhere near a gender identity! I know a male who wishes to become MTF with surgery on a mental health site I go on- he lives in (another) small town and his family are not supportive. I live in a small town, and to be gay is to get gossiped about. My first boyfriend's mum knew someone who was transvestite, I believe, and this person got their house egged, was attacked, things like that which just seem so stupid. I believe people owe it to themselves to be/live true to themselves. There are many things I wouldn't choose for myself- but then I don't think gender issues or sexual issues are a choice, any more than I choose to be bisexual- it's just part of me- but I wouldn't attack anyone or egg their house. Maybe I'm more open-minded than most, but even if someone lived their lives in a way I did not understand, or did not want for myself, it's their life- none of my business. Interestingly, I jokingly compared being bisexual to being hard-of-hearing the other day, in that I'm in between two things- there's a view that bi people are either gay and in denial, or greedy- well call me greedy then!! I struggled for a long time; I couldn't understand why I liked women and why then I did not identify as gay, because I also liked men. Being HoH is in between the deaf world and the hearing world. But I'm learning that there are plenty of people who are also bi, or HoH, and neither is looked down upon for what they are not. My first boyfriend was very close minded about anyone who was not exactly like him, and it destroyed my self esteem and confidence in my own beliefs. It's nice to find people on here who are like me- there's far more to me than wearing hearing aids, or being bisexual, or the colour of my hair, but these things are all a part of me, and it's comforting to know I'm accepted if I choose to talk about it.

10-12-2009, 07:13 PM	#154 (permalink)
CJB deafblind writer Join Date: Aug 2009 Location: U.S. Posts: 1,425	That's a really good analogy melissa, about HOH/bisexual being stuck between the deaf and hearing words, the straight and gay worlds. In fact my gender identity is a lot like being HOH as well because I identify as more male, but not completely male. That's part of the reason why I'm possibly non-op. The other reasons are that I have plenty of health issues as is and don't want to sign myself up for complications of any sort. I don't feel like your average straight male guy. I feel somewhere between a butch lesbian and a FTM transsexual, but for simplicity's sake I usually tell people I'm FTM and that way they have an easier time picking a pronoun as well. I agree I was very pleasantly surprised to find other GLBT members on here.

10-12-2009, 07:24 PM	#155 (permalink)
dogmom Registered User Join Date: Feb 2009 Posts: 1,469	I agree! I have been told my some lesbians that bi people "don't exist" and have run across those old "it's a phase", "you're selling out", "you're fickle" etc. I've read about the "gender-friendly" pronoun thing in the community and found it interesting. If I don't know and no one to ask <or they don't know yet> I tend to think or write "s/he". I have many parts to me - we all do. I do think having different aspects that do not fit easily into labels can offer new perspectives. At least, this has been my experience for me. It can also be challenging....

10-12-2009, 07:26 PM	#156 (permalink)
dogmom Registered User Join Date: Feb 2009 Posts: 1,469	but actually, that "s/he" thing of mine is limiting because it reinforces dichotomy of gender/sex.

10-13-2009, 05:37 AM	#157 (permalink)
melissa Registered User Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: Cheshire, UK. Posts: 188	I think my quest for labels explains one of my other threads...! It's always been hard for me to say 'this is me'- with 'this' being something unlabelled, rather than 'I am xyz'. Ah, CJB, well what pronoun (if any) do you prefer? I would just refer to you as CJB had I not read this thread. I go on some other websites, about specific things- a craft website- and it pretty much discourages anything other than craft talk. It's nice to find a website that's not enforcing adherence- the name is alldeaf, but I don't consider myself deaf, not everyone here is deaf, and we don't have to talk about it all the time! Yes, it is a part of me, which I'm coming to accept, but so are many other things- I love crafts, music, reading, adult things I cant mention here ;-) and much more! Dogmom, it's interesting that you were called fickle...my mum's first, ignorant response when I told her I was bi was 'Does this mean you're going to be promiscuous?'. I burst out laughing- I've always been bi, so if I was going to be promiscuous I would have done it already, and I certainly wouldn't tell her about it! I told that I'm monogamous, so it makes no difference! At the moment, I still hold a candle for my ex- he's male -but he could just as easily be female, it wouldn't matter to me. It's virtually impossible, knowing him, but if he ever decided he wanted to be referred to as female, or have an operation, I'd be happy for him, for being true to himself, and I'd love him just as much. I would however be a little annoyed that I knew nothing about this :p I know him well, though, and it's not something he wants. People often ask me, usually when I'm single, what % bisexual I am- I think that, for a start it's irrelevant, and it changes every day anyway- I love my male ex, and am sexually attracted to him, over other people. Some days I've felt more of an attraction to females, other days male, and other days I'm just living and not thinking about sex or love!