Need your advice and feedback

shel90

shel90

Love Makes the World Go Round
Premium Member
Joined
Sep 7, 2006
Messages
45,079
Reaction score
322
As many of you who have been here on AD, I used to go to PA to hang out with 4 of my good girlfriends a few years ago. Well, one of them dated my brother and it didnt turn out so good. I told both of them that I wasnt too keen on the idea but figured that they were both adults and it was their business. Well, since the falling out between one of my friends and my brother, I havent gone to any of their girls' night out since then. It has been almost two years. :hmm:

So, I went to visit one of them back in Spring who was my childhood best friend and expressed how I felt. She said that they hadnt gotten together because all of them were so busy and some get togethers were so last minute and that nobody is mad at me, BUT a year prior to that she had expressed to me that she had felt like quitting the group because I was too social and she felt left out but we had worked that out and I thanked her for expressing how she felt, or so I thought. I am not perfect and I will admit if I said something offensive or behaved in a way that made them uncomfortable but everytime they see me, they always acted soooo happy to see me so yea, I am a little confused.

Well, I am seeing FB pics of the 4 of them getting together more often this year with one of them being a big 40th bday bash for one of them. I felt sick to my stomach and very very hurt that I wasnt even invited. I want to confront them but I dont want to get accused of being jealous or petty but yes, I feel left out.

So, I commented on the picture on the birthday girl's FB just about 20 mins ago saying this;
"I am bummed for not being able to be a part of this bday party but glad that you all had fun. Miss you all."

I am trying to let them know how hurt I am without seeming too confrontal or am I being a wuss by not confronting them?

I emailed to my best friend saying that I would have loved to go but since I didnt know so I missed it and how bummed I was about it. Then, I added that I hope that they all had fun.

It really hurts a lot now...I dont understand why I havent gotten an invitation from them to any get togethers in almost 2 years. I did ask 2 of them about a year ago and they keep saying no, it is not ...just that they are busy and that many of these events have been last minute. Still it would be nice to get an email inviting me even if I couldnt go.

Am I being petty or jealous? I hate this kind of shit with friends. I kept telling myself all day that I dont need friends..I have my family but it was like trying to convince myself to believe that when my heart was breaking. So, I am not going to lie to myself...I am hurt as hell!

I have a feeling it was because of my brother's falling out with one of them but why would that me MY fault. The first night they met, they slept with each other and I told them that I thought it was tooo fast. Ugh!!!

Suggestions?
 
first of all, i am sorry. wish they handle it better with telling you instead of not facing you and you had to find out through FB. So no you are not jealous or petty but got surprised and confused. I rather friends come forward to talk instead of not facing the real reason.

I thought your comment left there sounds right to me. they would know now. :hug:
 
This very rude thing your friends do! Very hurtful. I think you handle Facebook comment well.
 
Thanks Frisky...maybe they arent mad at me or anything but not really thinking twice about how I would feel. I wonder if they didnt bother because I live in Maryland, not in PA or there is something else that they arent telling me. I feel that true friends would be honest so I am feeling very confused about their mixed messages.

I feel like telling them "Stop this BULLSHIT! You all are mad at me for what happened with my brother or because I acted a little crazy one time being drunk, arent you?"

Then, again ..what if they are not and I ended up making things worse?

I just HATE drama and I want peace but I dont like feeling insecure about my friendship with the 4 of them ESPECIALLY with my best friend whom I have been friends since I was 18 months old. Next time I see her, I will be blunt with her. The other 3, I just became close with them like in the past 5 years but this whole thing is showing me that I am not really as close to them as I thought I was but my best friend? Come on...We have been through tooo much in the last 38 years .
 
Thanks Sunny Signs. It just brings too many bad childhood memories of not getting invited to my "so-called" friends' birthday parties because of my deafness. However, all 4 of them are deaf too! Ugh!
 
sunny_signs said:
If they make you feel bad, they not you friends.
Click to expand...

I can give up the 3 of them but my best friend from AZ whom I have been tight with since 18 months old...it would be a devastating loss to me if we were no longer friends. She and I have been friends at least 25 years before we met the other 3 girls. Just that she and the other 3 girls are in PA and I was really happy for her to find good friends who are her age range and who are deaf ASL users in such a rural town in PA. Then, I started hanging out with them and became good friends with the other 3 too.

So, like I said, I can give the other 3 up just like that if they are that spiteful but my best friend? I will grief and I just spent a year grieving over my daughter. I cant go through that again. :(
 
when you are ready to talk. hope you and your long childhood friend have good talks soon. She needs to know about how you feel about it.
 
Maybe try talk closest one? Tell her how you feel. Maybe you two plan events. Or you can think event, invite all to go.
 
Shell I am so sorry this happened to you. I know how much it hurts. You have expressed your feelings and they have chosen to give you socially acceptable excuses so it seems they are reluctant to really talk about the problem and there certainly seems to be one. Maybe the problem really is they are busy and plan things at the last minute. Maybe they are afraid if they talk to you about negative feelings it will all degenerate into a fight and once harsh words are spoken they can never be taken back. Not everyone handles confrontation well and it has been my experience that it usually generates more hurt and closes doors on the friendships. That is pretty final. I think your FB comment to them was appropriate but let it go at that. It still leaves the doors open and perhaps their feelings will change down the road as circumstances change and maturity comes with age. I think it is only natural to want to put things "right" and get back that really great close feeling. Sometimes it is better to wait. Time can be a great healer. I know that sounds like a cliche but it also happens to be true. Just my personal "two cents" and I hope this will work itself out for all of you. I can tell you from experience that if you do decide to confront the issue please wait until you have had time to think about it and the hurt is not so raw. No one can deal constructively when in the middle of emotional pain and the situation may not be what it seems on the surface at all.
 
Thanks Savvi and I feel like we all should be beyond this stupid cliche thing because we are all entering our 40s. We have children..heck one of them has a son in college. This whole thing is feeling like my high school days with jealousy and pettiness over friendships.
 
What upsets you more? Missing out on their friendships, or the fact that they might be excluding you from the group? If it's the latter, I'd say just let it go and accept that you're not the same friends that you used to be. C'est la vie.

If you truly miss their friendship and would like to be close again, you should express that to them sincerely and without any sort of animosity. Forget about the reasons for why you're not close now. Just tell them that you want to be close again.

I had a close group of friends growing up and in high school, but after that, we seemed to drift apart, but I would always hear about how they were all still hanging out and doing things like going on trips together and having birthday parties without inviting me. Even today they all live together or close to each other in the Bay Area. For a while, I was angry and would be pissed off thinking about it, but eventually realized that I was just mad that I wasn't important anymore, not that I actually cared about their friendships. Since I accepted that, years ago, I've been fine, and I still see those friends from time to time. It's good to see them and I don't have any animosity towards them, but I wouldn't consider them close friends anymore. And I'm okay with that.
 
shel90 said:
Thanks Savvi and I feel like we all should be beyond this stupid cliche thing because we are all entering our 40s. We have children..heck one of them has a son in college. This whole thing is feeling like my high school days with jealousy and pettiness over friendships.
Click to expand...

Yes, I agree but life does not seem to go that way sometimes. Sunny Signs had a good idea. Maybe you would consider spending a week-end in PA and plan to do things with your best friend and then with all four friends. It would certainly help you understand the atmosphere and it may offer an opportunity to really clear the air in a nice way. Maybe all any of you really need is some time to share and realize all the wonderful things you liked about each other to begin with. Something to think about perhaps.
 
Thanks Alex..


I just want honesty if it was because of my brother and how their "dating" didnt work out. They all accused him of "playing" her when my brother said the long distance was the issue but I refused to get involved because I made that mistake 8 years ago when he was in a relationship with one of my good friends from Gallaudet. I got stuck in the middle trying to solve their problems...I warned one of the friends from PA that I refuse to get involved if they should have any problems and she said she appreciated that. However, when things fell apart my best friend yelled at me on VP saying why didnt I stop it and the other one was so upset when she had to spend many hours consoling the girl when my brother told her that it wasnt working out. I told them straight out that I WAS not responsible for my brother. Well, after 3 months of the fallling out, they stopped inviting me (about 2 years ago), that was when I asked them in person if they were mad at me about my brother...they said no no..that's old news.

Then, then 3 months later, my best friend VPed me expressing that she felt like quitting the group because of my being very social with the other 3 and that she felt left out. I told her that I was sorry for that and I didnt mean for that. That I appreciated her being honest with her feelings and that I would work on not monopolizing the conversations (I admit I do that sometimes if in the right mood) and we were good.

Since then, I have had some contact with all 4 of them via FB ..all positive or so I thought but come on...a big 40th birthday party yesterday and a wedding a month ago for one of them this year which I had no idea about. Those are pretty big events so yea, seeing the pics of the 4 of them hugging each other at the 40th bday party and them with comments like "The 3 girls are my BFF's or my back " .....I guess I got jealous. Oh well.

I feel that they arent being honest and that is what really upsets me the most because I feel like a fool thinking they are my friends and inviting them to my parties and etc if they have agreed with each other not to invite me anymore behind my back. That suspicious is what is the most upsetting to me and that my best friend, of all people, is a part of it. Then again, it is all assumptions on my part.
 
I know it hurts like hell, as I've been there myself, losing my best friend of 15 years and never really finding out the "reason" why. For sure, time is a great healer, and sometimes even finding out the real reason hurts even more!

All I can suggest here is to call/email her and plan a get-together soon. Hopefully, she'll agree, if not, then I see nothing wrong with asking why the friendship is broken.....and if she would be nice enuf to let you know why, as it hurts you.

Good luck.
 
Savvi said:
Yes, I agree but life does not seem to go that way sometimes. Sunny Signs had a good idea. Maybe you would consider spending a week-end in PA and plan to do things with your best friend and then with all four friends. It would certainly help you understand the atmosphere and it may offer an opportunity to really clear the air in a nice way. Maybe all any of you really need is some time to share and realize all the wonderful things you liked about each other to begin with. Something to think about perhaps.
Click to expand...

I d like that too. it might clear up the vibes and put it past. of course, the talk too.
 
Thanks...I did email her this am after seeing the pics that I would love to get together with her and she said , "Sure! When?"
 
shel90 said:
Thanks Alex..


I just want honesty if it was because of my brother and how their "dating" didnt work out. They all accused him of "playing" her when my brother said the long distance was the issue but I refused to get involved because I made that mistake 8 years ago when he was in a relationship with one of my good friends from Gallaudet. I got stuck in the middle trying to solve their problems...I warned one of the friends from PA that I refuse to get involved if they should have any problems and she said she appreciated that. However, when things fell apart my best friend yelled at me on VP saying why didnt I stop it and the other one was so upset when she had to spend many hours consoling the girl when my brother told her that it wasnt working out. I told them straight out that I WAS not responsible for my brother. Well, after 3 months of the fallling out, they stopped inviting me (about 2 years ago), that was when I asked them in person if they were mad at me about my brother...they said no no..that's old news.

Then, then 3 months later, my best friend VPed me expressing that she felt like quitting the group because of my being very social with the other 3 and that she felt left out. I told her that I was sorry for that and I didnt mean for that. That I appreciated her being honest with her feelings and that I would work on not monopolizing the conversations (I admit I do that sometimes if in the right mood) and we were good.

Since then, I have had some contact with all 4 of them via FB ..all positive or so I thought but come on...a big 40th birthday party yesterday and a wedding a month ago for one of them this year which I had no idea about. Those are pretty big events so yea, seeing the pics of the 4 of them hugging each other at the 40th bday party and them with comments like "The 3 girls are my BFF's or my back " .....I guess I got jealous. Oh well.
Click to expand...

These really sound like petty people, Shel. They're lying to you. It really is about your brother, and they've chosen sides. Knowing your brother, I doubt it was anything more than a regular breakup. It happens. They should have gotten over it. It's not your fault if the woman couldn't handle that and created an emotional shitstorm because some guy didn't like her. I've had to deal with that before. I'm sorry they have influenced the relationship you have with your best friend.

I'm with Frisky: you need to sit down in person and have a serious conversation with your best friend. And if you still want to be close, you BOTH need to make some serious efforts to rekindle the friendship and spend time together.
 
I think...they have wedding, big birthday events, not invite you...they not want you come. I sorry :(
 
Back
Top