Love between hearing and deaf people

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FGF

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Hi, I'm new here.

I was searching for a place like this so I could ask for some help. My name is Diederik, I'm 19 years old and I'm gay.

I'm not deaf and I had never met a deaf person before and that's why I'm here.

I met a deaf boy through some friends of mine. He's 18. He can't hear a thing and he never spoke a word in all his life. Not even a moan. Plus he's gay and his small group of friends are the only ones who know that. He's been having a hard time dealing with all this. He really finds it difficult to deal with himself. And he prefers to write instead of using "deaf language" (I'm not sure that's how it's called, sorry), althought he learned it. I guess he feels unconfortable. Well, at least I was able to comunicate with him (writing), because I know nothing about "deaf language".

So, the thing is... I fell in love with him. He said he never had a boyfriend, probably because he's deaf and people's discrimination... We know each other for a month now and I think he might like me too. He's the sweetest good looking guy I've ever met. His shyness and beautiful smile makes him so....... (I just can't describe it)

I really love him. The fact that he can't hear me or speak to me, doesn't matter. The problem is that I have no experience of... "living with" and understanding a deaf person. And could he actually love ME, a hearing person?

If someone could just tell me if there's anything I should know/do/go etc, in order to love him without hurting him...

Please forgive my ignorance towards this issue, but I really want to make this possible. I want to know his world and be there for him.

Hope you can help me.
 
I admire you to want to develop a friendship or relationship with this gentleman. A few things you'll want to know:

1. The language of the Deaf (traditionally) is American Sign Language (ASL). Its syntax, grammar, structure, vocabulary, and jokes are very different tha English. It is a true language and takes a while to develop fluency.
2. People who are hard-of-hearing (HOH) or deaf and wish to be included in the Deaf culture idenify themselves as Deaf (typically).
3. Not all deaf people use American Sign Language, some speak, lipread, use a hearing aid (HA), Signed Exact English (SEE), or a combination.
4. Not all people who use ASL are Deaf, some are hearing, students of ASL, or those with a Deaf family member.
5. Be careful with stereotypes, each person is different, not all deaf communicate the same way, like the same things, or do the same things, just like any other group.

To further develop a relationship with this man, try and learn a thing or two about him and ASL/Deaf culture. Try learning a few simple sentances in ASL (it'll HIGHLY impress him ;) ) or the ASL alphabet.

Good luck! Let us know how it goes. I applaud your efforts to get involved and post a thread!
 
Wow...

I thought things were more simple. I'm starting to feel a bit lost, but at the same time I understand. It's a different world for real and I need to know that.

I guess I really should know something about ASL, although he doesn't like to use it. It might be necessary and I don't want him to feel lonely and lost.

For now I think I should try to know if he ever considered a relationship with a non-deaf person... I don't know, but he could feel unconfortable with someone who's not like him. I just hope he doesn't.

It might be a stupid question but... Is there any proof or something, that shows that deaf-hearing relationships don't work well? I'm not trying to guess if this is going to work or not, by observing statistics or something like that. I just want to know, that's all. I still believe me and him could really be happy together. I don't want to make him feel like some kind of dependent loser... but I wanna be there for him, everytime he needs me. I really wanna give him love.
 
FGF said:
Wow...

I thought things were more simple. I'm starting to feel a bit lost, but at the same time I understand. It's a different world for real and I need to know that.

I guess I really should know something about ASL, although he doesn't like to use it. It might be necessary and I don't want him to feel lonely and lost.

For now I think I should try to know if he ever considered a relationship with a non-deaf person... I don't know, but he could feel unconfortable with someone who's not like him. I just hope he doesn't.

It might be a stupid question but... Is there any proof or something, that shows that deaf-hearing relationships don't work well? I'm not trying to guess if this is going to work or not, by observing statistics or something like that. I just want to know, that's all. I still believe me and him could really be happy together. I don't want to make him feel like some kind of dependent loser... but I wanna be there for him, everytime he needs me. I really wanna give him love.
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I am married to a hearing guy. When we first met in 2002, he had no clue about Deaf culture nor ASL. Now, 5 years later, he is pretty fluent and understands so much about Deaf culture.

This is a man who went from "Deaf people can drive?" to becoming totally a part of the Deaf community. Our marriage is working great so far.

Deaf-hearing relationships like deaf-deaf or hearing-hearing relationship works or doesnt work depending on how compatibel the two people in the relationship are.

Good luck and welcome to AllDeaf!!!
 
I see...

It's good to know that. I hope I can learn more things here at AllDeaf.

I want to make him see that I'm serious when I get the courage to tell him I'm in love. I'll try to learn a few things first to show him how much I mean it.

Thank you all
 
Hello there. I am hearing and married to a Deafie. My husband and I have been married for 12 /12 years. The only advice I give you is that you do not go into this relationship with the attitude that you are "helping him", "saving him" or "making his life in the hearing world better." That is what will break up a relationship. If you LOVE him for himself despite the fact that he is deaf, go for it. I know you said that he dose not use ASL but try and learn some. There are plenty of web sites that you can pick it up from. Use it when it's just the two of you and let him know you want to communicate with him. Whatever is meant to be, will be. That's my two cents. Good Luck.
 
That's why I said I don't want him to feel like a dependent person when I say I wanna help him.

I just want him to know that I'll be there if he ever needs me, because I love him like crazy!! I've been trying and doing my best to know his world. I'll never give up on him. He's the one... I just know it. It's the kind of love we can only feel once in our lives.

At the moment I'm trying to figure out the best way to tell him this. I was never any good at doing it... so I don't want to ruin everything.
 
FGF said:
That's why I said I don't want him to feel like a dependent person when I say I wanna help him.

I just want him to know that I'll be there if he ever needs me, because I love him like crazy!! I've been trying and doing my best to know his world. I'll never give up on him. He's the one... I just know it. It's the kind of love we can only feel once in our lives.

At the moment I'm trying to figure out the best way to tell him this. I was never any good at doing it... so I don't want to ruin everything.
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Just be yourself and he should love you for that. Like I said, My hubby and I have been married for 12 1/2 years so it does work between Deaf and hearing. Any good relationship takes time so just be patient and go with the flow.
 
im currently dating a hearing gal. shes learning some sign language from me. she knew some sign language before she met me. shes coming to see me this week or next week. :) she said she never used relay services when I made a call with her and she thought it was interesting and learned some about deaf culture. I believe deaf and hearing relationships will work out as long they understand and support a deaf person and willing to be open minded about them. :)
 
Thank you so much for sharing information on your own relationships with me. I'm feeling so much better now. :)

I guess it was only fear... because I never had contact with deaf people before. God, I love him so much, I just can't stand it.

I'm about to tell him very soon. Tomorrow maybe.

Thank you, again!!
 
FGF said:
Thank you so much for sharing information on your own relationships with me. I'm feeling so much better now. :)

I guess it was only fear... because I never had contact with deaf people before. God, I love him so much, I just can't stand it.

I'm about to tell him very soon. Tomorrow maybe.

Thank you, again!!
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Well......Good luck with that. Let us know how things go. I'm sure he will be thrilled.
 
FGF said:
Wow...

I guess I really should know something about ASL, although he doesn't like to use it. It might be necessary and I don't want him to feel lonely and lost.
Click to expand...

If he doesn't like to sign front of you or other people, obvious he is not feeling comfortable being deaf. I think he has some issues that he NEEDS to work on to embrace that he's deaf and gay. He needs to be proud of what he is.

All people in this world will discriminate regardless of what color, religion, education, etc. The only way he can get these people to change is show what he can do. He needs to stand up for himself for what he is proud of. He needs to find his soul to believe that anything he desires is able and no one should stop him from doing it.
 
Schermy said:
The only advice I give you is that you do not go into this relationship with the attitude that you are "helping him", "saving him" or "making his life in the hearing world better." That is what will break up a relationship.
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What a great advice to give. I'm totally with you on this. :D
 
Cane Corso said:
What a great advice to give. I'm totally with you on this. :D
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Well it's the same advice I'd give to anyone..............you can not go into any realtionship with the idea that you are "fixing" the other person......It will NEVER work.
 
He doesn't need to be fixed. He's beautiful the way he is. And I love him for that.

And he really does have some issues... He gets depressed, sometimes, because of his situation: being deaf and gay. But he never thought of suicide and that's something good. He has the courage to live, that's what I told him.

And... I HAVE GREAT NEWS!! :) :) :)

I finally told him I'm in love... and he almost went crazy. He loves me too, but he didn't have the courage to tell me. He thought I would never want anything to do with him, because he's deaf.

We're so happy now. I told him I want to learn a few things about ASL and that I don't want him to feel ashamed to use it. I think he was happy to know that... he hugged me so tight!!

I want to thank all of you, because you gave me enough self-confidence to fulfill my dream. (I mean... "our" dream :) )
 
Thank you Miss :)

Our friends already know about us. They were a bit shocked because they never thought we would like each other this way. I didn't really understand why but... I don't even care.

My parents know I'm gay. They don't really accept it but they're ok with it. Since I'm not hidding in the closet (neither is my boyfriend :) ) I want to tell my parents about him, but not for now... I'll wait a bit longer.

Thank you, once again
 
FGF said:
He doesn't need to be fixed. He's beautiful the way he is. And I love him for that.

And he really does have some issues... He gets depressed, sometimes, because of his situation: being deaf and gay. But he never thought of suicide and that's something good. He has the courage to live, that's what I told him.

And... I HAVE GREAT NEWS!! :) :) :)

I finally told him I'm in love... and he almost went crazy. He loves me too, but he didn't have the courage to tell me. He thought I would never want anything to do with him, because he's deaf.

We're so happy now. I told him I want to learn a few things about ASL and that I don't want him to feel ashamed to use it. I think he was happy to know that... he hugged me so tight!!

I want to thank all of you, because you gave me enough self-confidence to fulfill my dream. (I mean... "our" dream :) )
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Great News!!!!!!!!!!!!! I hope that all goes well for you both!!!!
 
That's a great news! I'm so happy for you two and I wish you two a happy long healthy realtionship! :fingersx:
 
:)

Things just keep getting better and better. We're so happy!

The only problem is: my parents. They met my boyfriend. And they weren't that nice... They didn't say anything at first, but later my mother told me that she and my father don't like him, because his life will always be a trouble and so will my life, as long as I'm with him. And I can't change their minds no matter how hard I try...

It hurts me... knowing my parents feel that way. Maybe one day they'll realize they were wrong about him. At least I know my mother will regret her words. I told her how much I love him and her expression changed, but she didn't answer. I know what that means. One day she'll feel guilty and accept things.

;)
 
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