How to motivate him?

Shoshana

Shoshana

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So tomorrow is my 11 month being with my Boyfriend. I love him a lot! I bought him books, stickers, and showed him diffrent websites to learn sign but just dont feel like he is doing it. It makes me feel bad. He tells me he is learning but its just too slow so my question, how do motivate him to kick it up? I dont want to leave him, but communication can be difficult and fustrating. I can lip read but its a lot of work and just not fair, should meet eachother half way.
 
Stop reading his lips, make him sign or write it down. It is much easier to sign and he will work that out on his own. As long as you support his not learning by lip reading he has no incentive to do so.
 
problem is you cant change people. Only those who want to change can.
You are trying to change him. If he really loves you, he will make an effort on his own.

Apparently you havent done anything to make him miss you and want to be with you to change.

harsh? probably. true? yup.
 
radioman is right - your boyfriend has to want to change. You can't force him to learn sign faster. If he's unwilling to meet you halfway, then there's a problem. It could be the problem is that he really doesn't understand your deaf perspective - in which case maybe it's more education he needs which he could get from movies, documentaries and books. Maybe you two can sit down and watch some films together.

If you had already done all that with him and he's still unwilling, then you have a problem that won't go away until he is not only willing to change but being pro-active about it.
 
I have to agree with the other posters....after 11 months (almost a year), of not learning the sign language....doesn't look too promising here!...There are classes he can also take....

I remmy one hearing "ex" of mine...treated me like a "queen"...put up a sign language paper on the fridge...said he was gonna learn it, because I meant so much to him......That never transpired!...He could not even spell a word correctly, as his English and spelling were awful....So when he "said" something that I didn't undy...he tried to "write" it, and the spelling errors were so bad that actually, no one could understand it...He was used to vocal only!....

The break-up was not pleasent...his saying was "that I just did not really understand a damn thing he said!"....This really opened my eyes to the relationship....as communication is very important....

If ur SO will not learn to communicate with you...and you are happy with the way that is...then good luck....
 
Not to be too harsh/crude but personally, I think you should get rid of him. He's clearly not looking for anything serious with you if he's not trying to learn how to communicate with you.
 
Break up. If that doesn't motivate him, nothing will. Or threaten to kill yourself. Either way.

But seriously... I dunno.. If it has been 11 months and he still hasn't learned enough sign language, I don't see it happening. Sorry :(
 
I sat down and talked to him, expressed my feeling of hurt and everything. He said he wants to learn but that I have to teach him. maybe it was my fault he was not signing?

Its difficult because I dont have all the patients to sit and teach but worth a try.

I texted him and said that me must not love me enough to communicate with me he came home and signed to me that he loves me with all his heart and wants to learn but needs more help.
 
You know, everybody who's just posted that its likely not going to happen is probably right. Statistically I can say that without knowing a thing about you or your boyfriend cuz more relationships fail than suceed.

But before giving up I wonder if making it a challenge or a bet would work?

Is there something very difficult that you have been meaning to learn or do that you just haven't gotten around to it yet?

Maybe you could make it a contest? :) Whoever gets closest to meeting their goal within a year wins.

Not sure what your boyfriend's goal could be -- perhaps able to understand half the people at a deaf social within a year?

BTW, due to my relationship history, you should probably take everything I just said with a grain of salt. :)


ETA: I just saw your last post. That's a lot to put on you, you to be his sole teacher. And if that is how you end up spending the majority of your time together wouldn't it change the nature of your relationship? From boyfriend & girlfriend to student & teacher?

For it to work, I think he will have to take more initiative and find a way to learn that works for him. Web (e.g., Lifeprint.com), and/or classes, and/or deaf socials, etc.
 
Shoshana said:
I sat down and talked to him, expressed my feeling of hurt and everything. He said he wants to learn but that I have to teach him. maybe it was my fault he was not signing?

Its difficult because I dont have all the patients to sit and teach but worth a try.

I texted him and said that me must not love me enough to communicate with me he came home and signed to me that he loves me with all his heart and wants to learn but needs more help.
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Ah! You want him to learn sign but too impatient to help him learn? How about from now on, you sign and speak with him? I've been doing that with my son after he kept giving me excuses that he doesn't have time to take a class because of school and loads of homework.
 
Perhaps he is just a slow learner....or so busy with his work that he's too tired to practice?....But making him aware that in order for the relationship to succeed, he needs to take time out to learn more sign language....Try going "voice off"...and signing everything....but make sure it's not at a time when he is stressed out...But I do agree that making ur feelings known to him, and meaning it...if he feels you might leave him because of it all...he might pick up the pace!....It's worth a try...and wishing you Good Luck!....It takes so much patience....and since he's hearing, then speaking/vocal is all he knows....he can't expect you to speak fluently!...So he's gonna have to accommodate you here.
 
Why does the burden lie on you? If he truly wants to learn, he would already have found a class to attend.
 
Jazzberry said:
You know, everybody who's just posted that its likely not going to happen is probably right. Statistically I can say that without knowing a thing about you or your boyfriend cuz more relationships fail than suceed.

But before giving up I wonder if making it a challenge or a bet would work?

Is there something very difficult that you have been meaning to learn or do that you just haven't gotten around to it yet?

Maybe you could make it a contest? :) Whoever gets closest to meeting their goal within a year wins.

Not sure what your boyfriend's goal could be -- perhaps able to understand half the people at a deaf social within a year?
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Jazzberry, I love the way you think! :bowdown:

Communication is so fundamental, and the bottom line is that he's got to be willing to learn your language. But I like putting the positive spin on it, making it fun. I wish you luck!
 
Thanks for the input! Some good ideas!

He is a full time student and works also. But yea Caroline, I get impatient to teach people same words over and over again. Who would like to do that?

I will try to have more patience too, he is really patient with me so I need to take a breath.
 
Shoshana said:
Thanks for the input! Some good ideas!

He is a full time student and works also. But yea Caroline, I get impatient to teach people same words over and over again. Who would like to do that?

I will try to have more patience too, he is really patient with me so I need to take a breath.
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Love requires patience, too....if he's a slow learner...forgetful, etc., then it's gonna take more patience that you're giving....since he's in school and works...then he's got a double load...but on his days off...it should be devoted to you and the comminication issue....he probably won't ever become fluent...(my guess)...but as long as you know he is trying his best, even spelling out some words, then kudos to him...
 
Shoshana said:
Thanks for the input! Some good ideas!

He is a full time student and works also. But yea Caroline, I get impatient to teach people same words over and over again. Who would like to do that?

I will try to have more patience too, he is really patient with me so I need to take a breath.
Click to expand...

Deep breaths! I'm an impatient person so I understand what you mean about not liking repetition.

rockin' robin is right though, love does mean sometimes you have to be willing to be more patient for someone else's sake. So, if your boyfriend is willing to learn, then you must be willing to swallow your impatience to help him especially since he's doing this for you.
 
Your boyfriend needs to immerse himself in an ASL-rich environment on a consistent basis. That was how my hubby learned ASL.

Learning it from one person is not going to be easy.
 
Im in a similar boat at you Shoshana... except I've been with my SO for almost 4 years. If I sign and voice, then she understands... because I voice... but she doesn't sign with me most of the time. She will finger spell into my hand at times (normally when we are going to lay down for bed) or she will sign when she doesn't want to say something (apparently to her signing isn't admiting it)... but if I go VO... she doesn't understand it... and when I go VO... she will normally stop signing at all (which she has done more and more lately anyways).

She also tells me that I have to be the one to teach her... the only one... she will not go to a class... she will not go to deaf events... the burdon lays on me alone. There have been many nights when I have thought it would be better for the two of us, even though I love her, not to be together... because communication is SO hard... and it has made me wonder how deaf and hearing relationships end up working...

I don't have any advice on how to motivate him... because I am having the same problem... but I do want you to know... you are not alone.
 
You are right rockin'robin and DeafCaroline. I feel bad now for being so impatient because on the flip side he is very patient with me, my medical issues and goes out of his way daily to help me, cheer me up or make me feel better.

Patience is hard and obviously something I need to work on with people--since I train dogs and have endless patience with them LOL.

since our one year is around the corner im going to take the suggestion on making it a contest of sorts--I think he will respond with a reward system or something... Like maybe is he learns 1 or 2 new words a day for a month we will do something extra special.
 
oh forgot to add, I found a "Deaf profesional Happy Hour" group and I plan to take him with me. They seem like decent size events, Deaf/HOH, terps, and ASL students go--im thinking it would be a good thing for him to go and learn and I will enjoy it also :)
 
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