How do you explain a complicated past love life to your SO?

Dixie

Dixie

Farting Snowflakes
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Just curious. If you are in a serious long-term relationship with your SO/spouse/partner, how do you explain a complicated past love life?

Like for example, I am divorced, I've not really seriously dated since my divorce, except for the 2 year relationship that was really feeding my alcoholism more than anything. I've also had same-sex relationships, and I'm currently somewhere between gay and straight without really being bi-sexual.

I wouldn't mention this to someone I am dating unless they bring up the question themselves and it is a rather serious relationship that has been ongoing for quite some time.

However, let me say that I am NOT currently dating anyone.

I was just curious as to how you would explain this to someone you love knowing you're probably risking your relationship with this kind of stuff.
 
I'm not so sure you have to explain anything.

Every relationship I've been (which have been few considering I was married for 12 years, and am now with SO for nearly 5 years) we've all acknowledged we each have a past. And nothing needs to be explained unless one or other wants to share something.

I would say you share what you feel comfortable sharing, and if the person you are in a new relationship with questions that to a point that you are uncomfortable, then that might be odd.

(Meaning I would say don't worry about risking a relationship with past experiences. If your past experiences are something your new partner is not comfortable with, then he/she isn't right for you. He/She should be willing to accept you for who you are, and whatever you've dealt with in the past.)
 
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AlleyCat said:
I'm not so sure you have to explain anything.

Every relationship I've been (which have been few considering I was married for 12 years, and am now with SO for nearly 5 years) we've all acknowledged we each have a past. And nothing needs to be explained unless one or other wants to share something.

I would say you share what you feel comfortable sharing, and if the person you are in a new relationship with questions that to a point that you are uncomfortable, then that might be odd.
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I like that a lot.
 
honestly it depends on who I was dating, some people I can share the world with and while others it was on a need to know basis. I suggest just feeling it out and going with what you are comfortable with.
 
Wanting to tell a person your past love life is a characteristic trait of being an
alcoholic or coming from a family with alcoholic parent(s). I am an Adult child and I feel that I have to tell a person everything , and I have to realize it was because of the way I brought up by an alcoholic father. I think you do have not tell a person anything unless you really want to and that you can really trust the person. I have told things to people I thought I could 'trust' and they used it against me if we had a fight! Have you thought of going to an AA group for support? I think you get to know the person better before telling them a lot.
 
IMHO, there is no reason to discuss your previous relationships with your new partner. When you're an adult, you assume that you partner had past relationships and you accept the person as they are now. If someone asks about your past life, maybe they don't accept you? Maybe insecure?

Share what you feel comfortable sharing, considering that it's not wise to bring baggage from past relationships into new ones. If you need to talk about old relationships, maybe you need to resolve some of the old issues to really let go of those old relationships?

Following up on what whatdidyousay's post, many of us have issues from growing up in a dysfunctional family (some alcoholic, some not). The most important thing in a relationship is for the two individual people to be healthy. If you have lingering issues from growing up in a dysfunctional family, it may be a good idea to get some help and support. I've been there, done that.
 
Dixie said:
Just curious. If you are in a serious long-term relationship with your SO/spouse/partner, how do you explain a complicated past love life?

Like for example, I am divorced, I've not really seriously dated since my divorce, except for the 2 year relationship that was really feeding my alcoholism more than anything. I've also had same-sex relationships, and I'm currently somewhere between gay and straight without really being bi-sexual.

I wouldn't mention this to someone I am dating unless they bring up the question themselves and it is a rather serious relationship that has been ongoing for quite some time.

However, let me say that I am NOT currently dating anyone.

I was just curious as to how you would explain this to someone you love knowing you're probably risking your relationship with this kind of stuff.
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It's a good question...I wouldn't want to know every detail about my SO's past life but I would certainly want to know if he's bisexual.
 
If I felt that something in my past might make my SO uncomfortable if he/she heard it thru the grave vine and not from me, then I would share it with him/her, let him/her know beforehand that I was "not apologizing" for it, but just being truthful and if he/she could not handle it...then we needed to go seperate ways.

I feel that ur SO/mate/partner should be accepting....lock, stock and barell....if he/she can't get past something you did in ur past, why even bother to try to make a future with that person?....

All in all, I don't think anyone should feel obligated to share everything about themselves, only if it bothers them to a point that they want to get it off their chest. But remember, there are some things that are not needed to know and better off being unsaid. ...My 2c....
 
As you get to know someone, you can gradually share more and more. I guarantee you that NO-ONE wants to know the whole story of your life on a first date. At that point, all the person needs to know is that you've been divorced and you have a child.

As the relationship progresses, you can share more and more. I don't think it's strange for someone to ask about your past, to some extent. People want to know with whom they're getting involved. But prying for absolute details early on - that might be a sign of a controlling personality. By the same token, spilling all the details about everything, before you even know someone, is also a sign of not taking care of yourself, not having some boundaries around your previous private life.

At some point, it may feel like not sharing some specific detail of your past feels like keeping a secret, rather than just being private. At that point, you may want to find a time to bring it up, if you feel it's necessary.

If you're not quite sure about your sexuality, that might be a good indication that it would be better to go slowly with sexual involvement.
 
Depends. With my husband, I shared everything...the good, the bad, and the ugly. He did likewise. We were open about our past lives, and then we hardly ever brought it up again. Worked for me.
 
So did my husband and I, share everything, that is. But we were friends for about 3 months before we started dating. We knew we liked each other before we got into sharing intimate details about our past with each other.
 
i don't think you need to tell everybody everything about yourself. what's in the past cannot be changed and we are allowed to keep some things to ourselves. when you go out with a new guy- he does NOT want to hear about your past boyfriends :nono:

however if i had a boyfriend and he asked me questions, i would answer them if i felt open to it and knew him enough to trust him.
 
Dixie said:
Just curious. If you are in a serious long-term relationship with your SO/spouse/partner, how do you explain a complicated past love life?

Like for example, I am divorced, I've not really seriously dated since my divorce, except for the 2 year relationship that was really feeding my alcoholism more than anything. I've also had same-sex relationships, and I'm currently somewhere between gay and straight without really being bi-sexual.

I wouldn't mention this to someone I am dating unless they bring up the question themselves and it is a rather serious relationship that has been ongoing for quite some time.

However, let me say that I am NOT currently dating anyone.

I was just curious as to how you would explain this to someone you love knowing you're probably risking your relationship with this kind of stuff.
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This is how I see a person's past.

if it happened before you knew me, I really do not care bout it. it was before me so there is nothing I can do about it, and so what is the point of bringing it up?

HOWEVER,

If something from your past has carried over to the present & possibly future, then your SO should want to know about it.
Whatever is going on inside of you now, is going to have an affect on present & possibly future relationships.

If there is anything that will have an effect on a present relationship, then your SO needs to know about it as to how it affects the relationship.

Sexual preference is something that he/she needs to be made aware of ASAP....some men take offense to their SO having hidden desires for other women....or other men...

I know I would, and the reason why is because when I make a commitment, from that moment forward, I do not want to share my Lady with anyone. Period. That's just the way I am & I make no apologies for that.
 
katerivera said:
i don't think you need to tell everybody everything about yourself. what's in the past cannot be changed and we are allowed to keep some things to ourselves. when you go out with a new guy- he does NOT want to hear about your past boyfriends :nono:

however if i had a boyfriend and he asked me questions, i would answer them if i felt open to it and knew him enough to trust him.
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Yesterday is a canceled check & tomorrow is a promissory note; So all we have is today. Enjoy it while you can. :D
 
Just keep your mouth shut. If your SO asks so many questions about your sex history, it is always bad news.
 
Wait wait wait, I'm only asking hypothetically to those of you who have been in long-term relationships of a couple years or more, heck even married!

i just wanted to know how you brought this stuff up once you committed to each other for the rest of your lives. I'm thinking at some point in a long-term relationship that some of this stuff is going to reach the surface.

I know I probably share too much on the forum at times, but in reality, I never discuss it with anyone in real life. The only time I bring it up in real life is if someone prods me for it - and even then, they might not get the whole answer.
 
Dixie said:
Wait wait wait, I'm only asking hypothetically to those of you who have been in long-term relationships of a couple years or more, heck even married!

i just wanted to know how you brought this stuff up once you committed to each other for the rest of your lives. I'm thinking at some point in a long-term relationship that some of this stuff is going to reach the surface.

I know I probably share too much on the forum at times, but in reality, I never discuss it with anyone in real life. The only time I bring it up in real life is if someone prods me for it - and even then, they might not get the whole answer.
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I am open here and open in daily life. Do not know how to be any different.:hmm:

I have only been in serious relationship almost 4 months and while we do not get into specific detail I most definitely shared some of my past with him, and him me, because it was important for us, as a couple, to do so. I would say it probably took about 2 months before I discuss specific things from past. The only reason I open up is because I know can trust him with information and know he would not be upset about it.

Tell him about swinging, being with other women, other men, that kind of thing. Important for me that he know where I came from to be the woman I am today. What shaped that. What is important to me now. Also important for me to understand how he came to be man that he is. He love and accept *all* of me and I do same. Love him *SO* much! Best man I have ever known.
 
Dixie said:
Just curious. If you are in a serious long-term relationship with your SO/spouse/partner, how do you explain a complicated past love life?

Like for example, I am divorced, I've not really seriously dated since my divorce, except for the 2 year relationship that was really feeding my alcoholism more than anything. I've also had same-sex relationships, and I'm currently somewhere between gay and straight without really being bi-sexual.

I wouldn't mention this to someone I am dating unless they bring up the question themselves and it is a rather serious relationship that has been ongoing for quite some time.

However, let me say that I am NOT currently dating anyone.

I was just curious as to how you would explain this to someone you love knowing you're probably risking your relationship with this kind of stuff.
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it's not important and necessary. too many questions about my past implies she is insecure and jealous. not a good start to start a serious relationship with.

beside - why talk about past? there's a reason why it's past and nothing about it is beneficial for both of us. just move forward and begin a new life with a that person. leave the complicated stuff to your shrink or best friend :)
 
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