Help dealing with ignorant parents, please?!

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Vernie

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I'm new to the boards and joined specifically to ask this question. I am dating a man with profound hearing loss who is almost completely deaf. In some situations, he can "hear" by hearing lips and very often we will rely on a combination of sign and spoken words to communicate.

Whenever we get into a larger group, we communicate almost exclusively through sign. With most of the people that I've encountered, this is not a problem. However, this is not true with his own parents. His father will often "joke around," often making nonsense hand symbols or beating his bent hand against his chest (the hearing-person's parody of a learning-impaired individual). His mother will also make small jokes, including "are you talking about us?" (in a playful tone, "what trouble are you two plotting now?", etc. However, they also chastise us for signing and tell us to stop "being rude" and "spreading rumors."

His parents also engage in other behaviors that seem incredibly insensitive to me (including calling via cell phone, which is impossible for my S/O to understand, watching TV with no captions, or chiding him for not talking to his other family members). It drives me crazy and I often fight with them over it and, though my partner has said how much it frustrates him, he refuses to stand up to his parents.

Advice, please?
 
Is there any way you can bash your partner's parents to backfire?
I recommend you and your partner to stand up to show them the feelings than to let them walk all over you and him.
 
My SO allows his parents to say the most horrible and offensive things both because he doesn't hear it and because they're his parents. While him not standing up to them is the real problem, my chief concern is that I'm the one over-reacting. Do hearing people usually act so rude?
 
You are not overrating, and your chief has no idea what were your partner's parents were stabbing behind his back.
Most hearing people don't always act rude to deaf people. That is a fact!
If they don't like what their son do, why can't they confront him to talk it out?
Do your partner aware that his parents are making fun of him? These parents are not his mom and dad, they are supposed to show their caring and love to show their purposes to be the parents. They should accept your boyfriend because he is deaf, and it is not his fault.
 
Ive always found that bent hand beating on the chest thing offensive since it was always used against me by my older brother whilst growing up. No matter how minor it may seem to the hearing, it only belittles the deaf into thinking they are dumb as well as deaf even though we all know that is not true.

I would suggest you and your SO set up a lunch date with the parents and ley it out on the table. Say hey, when you do that, it offends us. Please stop the jokes and belittlement. What you (they) think is minor to them is really tearing up their son on the inside, then open the door up for your SO to speak up to his parents. This way you meet in a nuetral zone, and you can do it in a civil manner.

If they continue to make these offensive gestures and stupid jokes, then simply say I do not find that funny, please stop. If they get mad then simply visit less frequently short of skipping Christmas dinner with them.

Discourage the unwanted behavior and encourage your SO to do the same to stand up for himself. Families can be mean to their own blood too because they are deaf. I know how it feels I get it alot from my own dad.
 
sometimes people are just inconsiderate
 
um.. that's their behavior, not affect for deaf issues? *shurg*
 
I hate that when ppl do that with the bend hands and beating on the chest. My son often to that to me and I tell him I didnt like that and it is not nice to hurt your loving mom.
 
Vernie said:
...His father will often "joke around," often making nonsense hand symbols or beating his bent hand against his chest (the hearing-person's parody of a learning-impaired individual). His mother will also make small jokes, including "are you talking about us?" (in a playful tone, "what trouble are you two plotting now?", etc. However, they also chastise us for signing and tell us to stop "being rude" and "spreading rumors."

His parents also engage in other behaviors that seem incredibly insensitive to me (including calling via cell phone, which is impossible for my S/O to understand, watching TV with no captions, or chiding him for not talking to his other family members).
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I'm not an expert, and I'm hearing so I've never personally had that life experience. So this is just my personal, unprofessional opinion:

Like you said, his parents are insensitive to his feelings. I also suspect that they have feelings of guilt and shame for having produced a "damaged" child. (I'm not saying they are justified; but it is often a reality.) They try to cover up those feelings by using cruel "humor", and projecting their lack of communication onto the son's shoulders rather than accepting responsibility for their lack of signing.

Can you change them? At this stage, probably not. Should you complain to your SO? Probably not. Why not? Because they are his parents. He might not be aware of every little dig they do against you and him but he surely isn't unaware of their attitude after all these years. He knows. He might not consciously acknowledge it but he knows. And it hurts him. But they are his parents (good or bad), and he's dealing with them the way he wants to. If you speak up too boldly, he will probably become defensive, and the whole family will see you as an interfering buttinski.


It drives me crazy and I often fight with them over it and, though my partner has said how much it frustrates him, he refuses to stand up to his parents.

Advice, please?
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My advice (pitiful as it is) is to agree with your SO if and when he complains about his parents but don't volunteer and add your complaints. Try to spend as little time as possible with the parents.

How do they respond if you mention sign language classes, or if you ask to turn on the CC on TV, or if you show them how they can communicate with text msg?

Does your SO still live at home? How old is he? Maybe he needs to spend less time at home with the folks.


I'm a little confused about the cell phone situation. Are his parents calling him on his cell phone?


Bottom line: There's a time and place for advocacy and even militancy; but "in law" type situations are not usually it.
 
Reba said:
I'm not an expert, and I'm hearing so I've never personally had that life experience. So this is just my personal, unprofessional opinion:

Like you said, his parents are insensitive to his feelings. I also suspect that they have feelings of guilt and shame for having produced a "damaged" child. (I'm not saying they are justified; but it is often a reality.) They try to cover up those feelings by using cruel "humor", and projecting their lack of communication onto the son's shoulders rather than accepting responsibility for their lack of signing.

Can you change them? At this stage, probably not. Should you complain to your SO? Probably not. Why not? Because they are his parents. He might not be aware of every little dig they do against you and him but he surely isn't unaware of their attitude after all these years. He knows. He might not consciously acknowledge it but he knows. And it hurts him. But they are his parents (good or bad), and he's dealing with them the way he wants to. If you speak up too boldly, he will probably become defensive, and the whole family will see you as an interfering buttinski.



My advice (pitiful as it is) is to agree with your SO if and when he complains about his parents but don't volunteer and add your complaints. Try to spend as little time as possible with the parents.

How do they respond if you mention sign language classes, or if you ask to turn on the CC on TV, or if you show them how they can communicate with text msg?

Does your SO still live at home? How old is he? Maybe he needs to spend less time at home with the folks.


I'm a little confused about the cell phone situation. Are his parents calling him on his cell phone?


Bottom line: There's a time and place for advocacy and even militancy; but "in law" type situations are not usually it.
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My deaf friend's hearing husband who is very insensitive to her deaf needs always calls her thru her cell phone (pager) rather than calling the relay first or text messaging her. I suspect that is probably is what is occurring here with the parents calling him on his cell phone.

I think what his parents are doing is very disrespectful. By doing that to their child, they are raising him to be passive since he wont stand up to him. As a result, he probably wouldnt know how to stand up for himself in different situations with different people. I call that bad parenting!
 
I agreew ith Reba that there isn't much you, or your SO, really, can do to change the ignorance of people who do not wish to see the error in their ways. To admit that their behavior is wrong and hurtful would mean that they would also have to admit that they have been lousy parents. It sounds as if their egos are far too fragile to allow them to admit thier wrongs.

However, simply because they are his parents does not justify their inexcusable and hurtful behavior. He should be encouraged to stand up to them when they behave in this manner. It probably won't change anything on their side of the fence, but it will certainly increase his self esteem. He has every right to insist that he not be treated in this degrading manner, especially because these are his parents.
 
shel90 said:
My deaf friend's hearing husband who is very insensitive to her deaf needs always calls her thru her cell phone (pager) rather than calling the relay first or text messaging her. I suspect that is probably is what is occurring here with the parents calling him on his cell phone.

I think what his parents are doing is very disrespectful. By doing that to their child, they are raising him to be passive since he wont stand up to him. As a result, he probably wouldnt know how to stand up for himself in different situations with different people. I call that bad parenting!
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I agree that it's awful parenting. But I think the son is an adult now, right? That's why I asked about the age. If he is an adult now, the "parenting" phase is over.

Personally, I would just ignore any calls that I couldn't hear. I'd tell them, "If you want to contact me, use Relay or text. If you use voice, I won't answer the phone." But that's just me. :)
 
jillio said:
...However, simply because they are his parents does not justify their inexcusable and hurtful behavior. He should be encouraged to stand up to them when they behave in this manner. It probably won't change anything on their side of the fence, but it will certainly increase his self esteem. He has every right to insist that he not be treated in this degrading manner, especially because these are his parents.
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I agree that the son should stand up for himself but that has to be his decision. If the son decides to do that, then it would be great for Vernie to support that decision. But I don't think Vernie should instigate that action. Support, yes; push, no. I think the SO has been pushed around too much as it is.

The difference between supporting and pushing can be a thin, delicate line that only the two of them can figure out. Just my opinion, of course. I'm not a shrink. :P
 
Reba said:
I agree that it's awful parenting. But I think the son is an adult now, right? That's why I asked about the age. If he is an adult now, the "parenting" phase is over.

Personally, I would just ignore any calls that I couldn't hear. I'd tell them, "If you want to contact me, use Relay or text. If you use voice, I won't answer the phone." But that's just me. :)
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Good point about the age. Hopefully the OP will be able to answer that.

Anyways about the phone, I have never experienced my hearing family or friends mocking me by calling me thru voice only. They always adjusted to meet my needs. My friend still continues to answer the phone when her husband calls and I tell her that is encouraging his behavior. She has told him several times to use relay or text her but he ignores her pleas. I dont know what is his problem but I would love to knock him over the head with her cell phone! :giggle: I cant afford to go to jail so better keep my hands to myself. LOL!
 
Reba said:
I agree that the son should stand up for himself but that has to be his decision. If the son decides to do that, then it would be great for Vernie to support that decision. But I don't think Vernie should instigate that action. Support, yes; push, no. I think the SO has been pushed around too much as it is.

The difference between supporting and pushing can be a thin, delicate line that only the two of them can figure out. Just my opinion, of course. I'm not a shrink. :P
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Absolutely. Gentle guidance, and unconditional support.
 
shel90 said:
Good point about the age. Hopefully the OP will be able to answer that.

Anyways about the phone, I have never experienced my hearing family or friends mocking me by calling me thru voice only. They always adjusted to meet my needs. My friend still continues to answer the phone when her husband calls and I tell her that is encouraging his behavior. She has told him several times to use relay or text her but he ignores her pleas. I dont know what is his problem but I would love to knock him over the head with her cell phone! :giggle: I cant afford to go to jail so better keep my hands to myself. LOL!
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Yeah, I assume from the posts that he is an adult. The thing about parenting is that the phase of actually having custody may be over, but the practices engaged in continue to do harm forever.
 
My wife and I are deaf. One thing that we know is that if I ever have a problem with my parents, I would let them know and stand up to my belief. If I can't take action and do what is right, how can I take care of my OWN FAMILY? As far as my wife's parents, if she has a problem of how they treated her, she has to stand up to her parents and face the problem. As long she can stand up and have a supportive husband (me), then she can survivie and deal with anything in her life. My father has always made sure that I deal with the problem of all kinds on my own because my mom and dad won't be around forever. My father made sure that I get a least 2 years college *got an Assoicates Degree :)* and made sure I am doing alright. Ever since I have gotten married and had kids, brought a home, car, etc... he has saw that I was capable to take care of my responsiblities.

SO in my opinion, the girlfriend (Vernie) is not to argue or engage into any type of debate because they aer not "married". He has to stand up to his own parents in order to deal with the situation . When my wife and I were dating, i couldn't say anything because i didn't want to jeopordized my relationship with my soon to be wife during that time. So after we got married, I was able to let them know that if they treated my wife wrong and with disrespect, they will have to deal with me since I am her husband :) I let her deal with her problems first and if she needed my help, I am there to help and support her 110 precent. My wife comes first before others.
 
Thanks!

Thanks for all the helpful advice everyone. It makes me feel better that I'm not overreacting, though I hope that my SO will also take this advice to heart and talk to his family directly.
 
I have to same problem with my in-laws. My wife knew it but she has a hard time giving them up, cause they are her parents. They have also now know they can't control her no more and put her down since she has found me. Right now, it has been the longest time since she saw her parents. The change started after they had their 1st grandson was born and they can't see him that much. They also no if they piss my wife off or myself, it be a long time till they even see their grandson again.

My wife don't like the idea but I let both know that I don't want my kids growing up with this hate. it also sad it took a child for my in-laws to know they are wrong too. It might just be something you have to wait it out and be someone for your SO can use to release this stress on and help him through it.
 
I understand what you are saying completely. My hubby's mother and sisters are same way. Always they depend on me. They call me, they talk to me and they always ask me. Finally we just stopped going to visit and now if they call our house I just tell them he is not home and that they can call back via relay later to speak to him and I hang up. It's rude and hurtful but I know I will NEVER be able to change them. I just ignore them as much as possible. I pitty them for never really getting to know him and having him as a part of their lives.
 
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