Deaf and Hearing Relationships

Cassidia

Cassidia

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I am a hearing girl, but I am very active in the deaf community. One of my best friends is deaf and we have a great time together. We are constantly flirting and having a great time, and he's been my date for any activities that recquire dates. He has said he likes me and I've told him that I like him, but he says he doesn't want to date me because I'm hearing. Can someone explain to me why this is a problem? I mean i respect him decision but I don't really understand, I can sign just as well as a deaf girl, and so can the majority of my hearing friends. I guess I kinda understand but I'm still curious if I'm missing anything else. Please any advice you can give would be greatly appreciated. Also, please no one be offended, it's not my intent I swear.

<3
Cassidy
 
Hi Cassidia, btw welcome to AD! ;)

Sometimes there are some deaf people who only prefer to date or be in a relationship with someone who is deaf/hoh too, is because they know more what is like to be deaf themselves also to know the feelings of a deaf person when it comes to being left out during a converation, etc....Sometimes it more to do with not wanted to be both hearing and the deaf world, just want to belong only into the deaf world.....


Were you able to talk to him and ask him what the real reason of not wanted to date or have a relationship with a hearing girl, maybe he can tell you his reason for it, since every person has their own feelings and reasons to make them feel why they don't want to date a girl that is hearing....


There are some deaf people that do date hearing people, and they do not have a problem with it....so it's depend on each person.....

I'm sorry if I'm not much of a help here but every person sees it differently and to me it's doesn't bother me at all as long they know how to commicate with a deaf/hoh person then there shouldn't be a problem....


Good luck on being able to find out his real reason behind this.... :hug:
 
I have a similar experience Cass a very close friend of mine is deaf, and we flirt kiss and well so on. She knows I have a great deal of interest in her but she will not "date" or get envolved with me like that. She never gives a reason nor do I ask for one. Its just one of those really unspoken heart aches I guess... I guess it can be very frustrating but at the same time, im just happy to have her as a friend and around, because asking her to date I risked the chance of possibly changing our relationship but it didnt happen, we just went about like nothing happened... So I guess just be happy that you 2 can be that way with each other, even though you wish it could be more, I know im in the same boat and its really frustrating..
 
A lot of time people want to feel related to someone else. If something occurs to the person on based of the deafness, the person is more likely to want the partner/girlfriend/boyfriend to be able to related to the situation.

Often times, when one is hearing and another is deaf, hearing person may not realize that h/she begins to take over all the activities such as phone calls, interpreting conversations, and so forth for the deaf person. It becomes tense and so on... I have experienced several relationships with hearing men which did not work out too well. I would not mind trying to date hearing men, but there are not too many of choices to choose.
 
christina28 said:
A lot of time people want to feel related to someone else. If something occurs to the person on based of the deafness, the person is more likely to want the partner/girlfriend/boyfriend to be able to related to the situation.

Often times, when one is hearing and another is deaf, hearing person may not realize that h/she begins to take over all the activities such as phone calls, interpreting conversations, and so forth for the deaf person. It becomes tense and so on... I have experienced several relationships with hearing men which did not work out too well. I would not mind trying to date hearing men, but there are not too many of choices to choose.
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As a deaf male who's dated both hearing and deaf women, I personally have no preference. I have noticed, however, that when I date deaf women, there's a certain tiny "click" that just exists behind all the chemistry.

On the other hand, I've found that I "click" with hearing women also. In different ways, yes, but in the big picture, there's really no big difference.

It's kind of like I'm a tall guy and I'll notice when a woman is tall too. At the same time, I've dated some short women. Things have always been just as fantastic, regardless of whether or not she's at my eyes or at my chest.
 
Endymion said:
As a deaf male who's dated both hearing and deaf women, I personally have no preference. I have noticed, however, that when I date deaf women, there's a certain tiny "click" that just exists behind all the chemistry.

On the other hand, I've found that I "click" with hearing women also. In different ways, yes, but in the big picture, there's really no big difference.

It's kind of like I'm a tall guy and I'll notice when a woman is tall too. At the same time, I've dated some short women. Things have always been just as fantastic, regardless of whether or not she's at my eyes or at my chest.
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You are correct. There are no differences. My comment was based on my experience when I approached the questions whether it is good or not to be with a hearing or deaf person. To be fairly honest, I have trouble dating deaf men in general. Perhaps it is due to the fact the world is tiny! :) Again, in larger pictures the parallels between dating hearing and deaf are not any different.
 
christina28 said:
A lot of time people want to feel related to someone else. If something occurs to the person on based of the deafness, the person is more likely to want the partner/girlfriend/boyfriend to be able to related to the situation.

Often times, when one is hearing and another is deaf, hearing person may not realize that h/she begins to take over all the activities such as phone calls, interpreting conversations, and so forth for the deaf person. It becomes tense and so on... I have experienced several relationships with hearing men which did not work out too well. I would not mind trying to date hearing men, but there are not too many of choices to choose.
Click to expand...


I understand that he could be nervous about me having to take on other burdens, but I'm used to that. I have 3 best friends, 2 of which are deaf, one of them I lived with their all deaf family for 3 months. I've handled myself in these kinda situations. Sorry, it just frustrates me cause I really like him! grrr! as if relationships aren't confusing enough! Thanks for all the advice!
 
I'm a hard of hearing man.. I'm in love with a hearie girl..but I'm unhappy.. She doesn't have much tolerance to my difficulty in understanding her speech.. most of the time she reacts impatiently.. she shows frustration..and you know.. being considered to be 'quilty' of being hard of hearing makes me sad and upset.. What can I do ???.. nothing... As my loss progressed more, I moved to another world .. a world of silence.. I walked away from hearing world ... so I have different senses than that of hers.. Therefore, I have decided that I should look for another girl who will RESPECT to my loss and ACCEPT totally who I am.. maybe a deaf or hoh or hearie... who knows?.. I just want to love without being rejected because of my loss.. :deaf: :cuddle: :dizzy:
 
I dunno what to say because I don't know why he isn't giving you a chance to date because what you said that you know sign language, and is involves in the deaf community. I don't know what's in his mind or heart, Only he knows. All you can really do is sit down and have a conversation with him, why he is not giving you a chance. Maybe you'll get more truth out of him. I've had no problems with my previous hearing exs, which I've dated more hearing guys than deaf guys, It is because I'm around hearing people more than deaf people because of mainstream and oral schools that I've been at when I was growing up. Now that I'm with someone who is deaf, It is no differences. Good luck to you! ;)
 
ecevit said:
I'm a hard of hearing man.. I'm in love with a hearie girl..but I'm unhappy.. She doesn't have much tolerance to my difficulty in understanding her speech.. most of the time she reacts impatiently.. she shows frustration..and you know.. being considered to be 'quilty' of being hard of hearing makes me sad and upset.. What can I do ???.. nothing... As my loss progressed more, I moved to another world .. a world of silence.. I walked away from hearing world ... so I have different senses than that of hers.. Therefore, I have decided that I should look for another girl who will RESPECT to my loss and ACCEPT totally who I am.. maybe a deaf or hoh or hearie... who knows?.. I just want to love without being rejected because of my loss.. :deaf: :cuddle: :dizzy:
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I am very sorry to hear what you are going through but it could be a blessing in disguise - perhaps this will lead you to another door where you will find the right woman behind that who will embrace you for who you are, period without caring about your hearing loss. :hug:

I am sure that it is difficult for you to be neither in deaf or hearing world completely. But it sounds like you are slowly leading over into deaf world. I can reassure you that you will find thousands of blessings in deaf world once you are fully into that world :)
 
Cassidia - I do understand your frustrations. Like everyone else here in this thread said, we do not fully know this guy's reasoning behind his decison but can only share our own reasons with you.

I grew up oral so I dated mostly hearing men. My first husband is hearing. Our marriage ended not because he is hearing and me deaf but because we realized that we are not compatiable and that he is not comfy in my deaf world nor was I comfy in his hearing world either.

I am engaged to a deaf man - while I can tell you that there is not much difference between being with a hearing or deaf man - there is a definite "click" there with my deaf fiance - with him, I can fully be myself and can take him to deaf events or my deaf friends houses. I dont have to explain or justify or be his interpreter etc. I can just focus on our relationship without dealing with deaf-hearing issues that plagued my previous relationships.

I have sworn that I will never go back to dating a hearing man again - it is much more relaxing and free to be with a man who is of same culture/norms/values like me. Again, it is my own opinion based from decades of dating different men.
 
Well, I'm deaf and I am married to a hearing woman. Lucky me, she's pretty good at sign and also teacher at the deaf school. My relationship with her pretty good and we've been together for 6 years. I have no problem so far and pretty much happy.

I wouldn't date a hearing woman if she doesn't know how to sign but lucky me I have one that know how to sign pretty well. I don't see any problem between deaf and hearing, as long they're trust and honest each other.
 
Gemtun said:
I am very sorry to hear what you are going through but it could be a blessing in disguise - perhaps this will lead you to another door where you will find the right woman behind that who will embrace you for who you are, period without caring about your hearing loss. :hug:

I am sure that it is difficult for you to be neither in deaf or hearing world completely. But it sounds like you are slowly leading over into deaf world. I can reassure you that you will find thousands of blessings in deaf world once you are fully into that world :)
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:gpost: Thanks :ty: You're the first one who fully understands my trouble.. My family even hasn't undestood me in that way.. :hug:
Yes,it's VERY difficult being neither in deaf nor hearing world ... It makes my life difficult.. and (emotionally) I have been slowly moving to deaf world.. ( I will soon get my new digital super power hearing aids but I feel more comfortable in the world of senses that is more close to deaf world )... I never dislike the half silent world which I own.. it has opened new doors to my soul and enriched the quality of my spiritual life... :cuddle:
 
Interesting thread. i've always wondered this too, cause I used to have a friend that really liked my bro, but he didn't like her cause she was hearing. She was hot too. BTW, anyone wanna date my bro? hehe
 
I think the reason may be that, he wants someone that is like him, meaning deaf. I can understand from his point of view why he would want that, for I feel the same way. Although I do date hearing people too, it just that he gets frustated when he has to repeated himself. Not my fault that I can't understand mumbling, too much noise in the background or he's got his lip covered.

Try asking him, why he doesn't want to date you. Because if you ask him and show him that you want to know, then maybe that will trigger to him, that you are willing and wanting to understand. :) But from above it look as if you got some great recommendation as is.
 
Everyone has different preferences.

Me personally I *HAVE* dated hearing women, but none of them were like you (active within the Deaf community). Needless to say those relationships were short lived. So I myself probably wouldn't get involved with a hearing woman again unless she was fluent in ASL and has an understanding of Deaf culture. I may be willing to be more flexible on that if she is at least willing to learn. Most hearing women I've had even a mutal interest with didn't bother learning sign language due to the fact that I can hear well enough to communicate with someone one on one if there isn't a lot of background noise and I have normal speech.

A Deaf person not wanting to get involved with a Hearing person could possibly be due to several different possiblities.

1) Cultural Acceptance: Fear of being pushed out of the "inner circle" due to being involved with someone outside of it.

2) Culture Clash: Fear of the possiblitity that the different cultures will cause complications within the relationship (i.e. If children are brought into the picture will their first language be ASL or English? Or perhaps the hearing person enjoys music and wants to go to a concert but the Deaf person doesn't enjoy music and would find a concert to be boring as hell.

3) Loss of Independence: Fear of the possibility of ending up being too dependent on you as an interpreter when out in mainstream public. If a Deaf couple is out to a resturant chances are the guy will be given the check. If a hearing woman is out with a Deaf guy chances are SHE will be given the check.

There's probably more reasons but these are all that come to mind at the moment.
 
there may be another reason that he may have heard some horror stories on deaf-hearing marriages before which I have heard of.

In fact, 4 of my friends from other city, where I lived in 2 decade ago, have experienced them.

Their hearing wives ripped them all by stealing all the furnitures and lot of stuff and disappeared. Later they divorced offically. All the same thing has happened to them except one that didn't steal.

Whoa!

Rest assured that you won't burden as much as these old-timers experienced due to the cool technologies available that can make your deaf guy more independent, though by the way.

Ofc, we have no idea as why he avoid to date with you. Talk him clear and take it easy .. see if it works out better. Anything is possible.
 
Off topic but I want to ask SpiritOfTheWolf something.

I've lost most of my hearing and my loss is between 70 DBL to 100 DBL.
Now I can hardly hear speech if I don't wear my hearing aid and even with my hearing aid I have lots of trouble.. I've started to enjoy signs ,senses, symbols,photos much better than taking conversations..

I really wonder if I am deaf or what ?
I'm not a hearie for sure and I did described myself as hoh .

Now, Can I be considered to be a deaf ?
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on topic, I was in love with a hearie girl but she didn't want to understand my difficult situation and my diversity so I gave up thinking of her and broke up with her.. now I'm in love with a deaf woman whom has a smilar sense of mine.. I'm happy with loving her :)
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I'm hearing, so take my response with a grain of salt.

I don't know your level of involvement in the Deaf community, or your ASL skill level. By no means am I trying to bash you, but if either of these is lacking (especially your ASL skills), I can understand your friend's point-of-view. If neither of these are lacking, then it could simply be that, no matter how hard you try, you can never fully understand what it's like to be deaf. I've had Deaf friends almost my entire life, and while I have a very profound understanding of the culture, I don't truly know what it's like to not be able to hear. Now, in some ways I can relate. I can say, "I can't hear well on the phone" or "I have a hard time hearing in crowded rooms." But that doesn't really place me in the same category. I haven't had to deal with it my whole life, I haven't ever been discriminated against because I was Deaf (though I have been for having Deaf friends), etc.

This turned into a bit of a rant, but I think you catch my drift. Some people (Deaf, African, whatever) want to be with someone who has experienced what they have.
 
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