Young mother to a deaf 2 year old

[DVroman7]

My daughter is going to be 2 in July, she has a profound hearing loss in both ears. In other words, she can't hear anything; not even herself. I am hearing, and so is her father & like most hearing parents, I've never met a deaf person until my daughter came. We found out when she was 21 months old, I tried to have her tested before that but the doctors said I was being paranoid. They didn't want to test her till she she was 3 because she did pass her screening at birth. As her mother I knew something was off, & eventually called around and got things rolling myself. After a month of testing, the results came back after her sedated abr.. my daughter was infact deaf. Even though I had a gut feeling, hearing those words felt like they crashed my entire world. Honestly, I cried for days. That was the last day her father was activley involved in her life. The doctors immidently tried to push the CI on me, but I told them I needed time to think.. at that moment is what like I was having an outer body expeirence, I was in no shape to make the most important decision of my baby's life. I went home, stopped crying & said to myself.. "what now"? I started doing my own reasearch, got myself in contact with Early On, ordered ASL books & materials & started teaching myself & my daughter to sign. Eventually, I came to my conculision.. Aubrey was NOT getting to CI. That was something that was unnessisary & I felt it was something she should decide. I only want whats best for my babygirl. I don't want her to think I needed to "fix" her. She is and always will be perfect to me. Of course her fathers family give me BIGTIME greif about my choice. But to me.. it's not MY choice; it's Aubrey's. When the time comes, if she wants to get the implant, I will support her decision every step of the way. To be perfectly honest, I still have moments where I do doubt my decision, when i think my decision is selfish & wrong, but then I look at my BEAUTIFUL, SMART, HAPPY, AMAZZZING babygirl & all that goes away. We are still learning to sign, she is catching on like I couldn't ever imagine I have never been more proud.

My name is Destiny, and I am a 21 year old single mother to a 2 year old Deaf child. I'm looking to talk to others with similar stories because I feel alone, like nobody knows what I'm going threw.
Also I want so much to know more about the Deaf community & any adivce or just anything you think could benifit us.

Thank you

 

[jamesruppert]

Hi Destiny,

I salute you for being brave in facing this situation. This community will give you the emotional support you need. Take care and be strong

 

[CSign]

Welcome to AD

Are you actively signing with your daughter, and taking classes to become more proficient?

Is she receiving services through Early Intervention? What type of placement is she in?

It certainly wouldn't be a good idea to get the CI if it's viewed as a "fix". A CI is not a "fix", it's a tool or technology used just like anything else; whether it be hearing aids, glasses, prosthetics, or anything else of that sort.

A CI doesn't "fix" or "cure" anything...

Enjoy reading and posting

 

[GrendelQ]

Wow, sound like you've come a looong way in less than 2 months of "deaf awareness" -- initiating ASL, making a lot of significant decisions that will impact the rest of your daughter's life and how your family interacts within the home and with those outside from this point forward. Taking action with a sense of urgency is very good, because you are at such a critical point in terms of language development, and if your daughter has been deprived for nearly 2 years, there's a lot to be done fast.

You probably have realized that by choosing ASL, you'll need to provide an immersion environment for all of you quickly so you attain fluency and can make the shift to using sign at home as your primary language and your daughter can begin to catch up all that missing language. Do you have access to such an environment (for her, a local deaf school may have an intensive program and for you and any other family members, throwing yourselves passionately into classes and the Deaf community)? Can you get the whole family on board quickly and fill your child's life with fluent signers? That's important.

I don't mean to make the ASL route sound more difficult than not choosing ASL -- although it will be very hard for your child and you, it's not more so than if you chose a CI (although you would have a head start on knowing English well enough to teach your child). As others have said, no one who knows anything about a CI thinks it's "a fix" -- that's only ignorant people who aren't familiar with CIs who parrot that line, pay no attention to them. A CI is a tool to provide access to sound and doesn't come "preprogrammed" with language. If you started the CI route now, you'd be coming in late, as well, so you'd have to provide intensive language immersion in English, too -- either way, you've got a lot of time to make up quickly otherwise your child will face a long struggle ahead.

3X weekly early intervention with an ASL language specialist was the first critical step for our daughter, and we expanded that to 4X weekly ASL-based daycare. Family sign for our whole family was the first critical step for my husband and me, followed by formal ASL classes and a lot of interaction with other Deaf families. Wishing you well!

 

[Bebonang]

DvVroman7, I like what you wrote that you can look at your beautiful daughter who happen to be deaf. I admire you for standing up for your daughter as you would like your daughter to be herself, not someone to push her to become that she might not be happy getting a CI (bad with surgery) or hearing aid (not bad without surgery). I don't want anyone to brainwash your deaf daughter that she must hear with CI. Being deaf is not bad. It is something better than having to hear all kinds of noises that can be a bothersome, eh?

So ignore GrendalQ's comment. She is a hearing mother like you but she has different opinion and really not understand anything about deaf children's life. And why we have to struggle so hard just because we have to respect to the hearing parents by going to mainstream school and having to learn to speak and lipread without sign language. The hearing parents don't respect us halfway by learning to sign with us and getting the accommodations for us, Deafies. Both of my parents don't sign and neither my sister but she tried to sign Alphabet. They think that I can lipread and talk a lot better than signing. That is their satisfaction while I was not happy about it all. So if your daughter can sign with you, then go for it. Good luck on your journey with your deaf daughter.

 

[CSign]

Wow, sound like you've come a looong way in less than 2 months of "deaf awareness" -- initiating ASL, making a lot of significant decisions that will impact the rest of your daughter's life and how your family interacts within the home and with those outside from this point forward. Taking action with a sense of urgency is very good, because you are at such a critical point in terms of language development, and if your daughter has been deprived for nearly 2 years, there's a lot to be done fast.

You probably have realized that by choosing ASL, you'll need to provide an immersion environment for all of you quickly so you attain fluency and can make the shift to using sign at home as your primary language and your daughter can begin to catch up all that missing language. Do you have access to such an environment (for her, a local deaf school may have an intensive program and for you and any other family members, throwing yourselves passionately into classes and the Deaf community)? Can you get the whole family on board quickly and fill your child's life with fluent signers? That's important.

I don't mean to make the ASL route sound more difficult than not choosing ASL -- although it will be very hard for your child and you, it's not more so than if you chose a CI (although you would have a head start on knowing English well enough to teach your child). As others have said, no one who knows anything about a CI thinks it's "a fix" -- that's only ignorant people who aren't familiar with CIs who parrot that line, pay no attention to them. A CI is a tool to provide access to sound and doesn't come "preprogrammed" with language. If you started the CI route now, you'd be coming in late, as well, so you'd have to provide intensive language immersion in English, too -- either way, you've got a lot of time to make up quickly otherwise your child will face a long struggle ahead.

3X weekly early intervention with an ASL language specialist was the first critical step for our daughter, and we expanded that to 4X weekly ASL-based daycare. Family sign for our whole family was the first critical step for my husband and me, followed by formal ASL classes and a lot of interaction with other Deaf families. Wishing you well!

Many good points...

To the OP- has your child been assessed?

 

[GrendelQ]

So ignore GrendalQ's comment. She is a hearing mother like you but she has different opinion and really not understand anything about deaf children's life.

I'm not sure why Bebonang would tell you to ignore what I say -- we chose ASL as my daughter's primary language, immersed her in the deaf community and language and she has attended a school for the deaf where ASL is the primary language of instruction and interaction for the past 5 years and I'm telling you that a CI is not a fix and would not be easier than ASL . But if her objection is that I'm a hearing parent, this is true, I am and there's nothing I can do to change that.

 

[Cloggy]

DvVroman7, I like what you wrote that you can look at your beautiful daughter who happen to be deaf. I admire you for standing up for your daughter as you would like your daughter to be herself, not someone to push her to become that she might not be happy getting a CI (bad with surgery) or hearing aid (not bad without surgery).

Standing up for her daughter is excellent. Starting communication is excellent... but otherwise... "might not be happy getting a CI" might also be "might not be happy being deaf".... Who's to tell...

I don't want anyone to brainwash your deaf daughter that she must hear with CI. Being deaf is not bad. It is something better than having to hear all kinds of noises that can be a bothersome, eh?

So ignore GrendalQ's comment. She is a hearing mother like you but she has different opinion and really not understand anything about deaf children's life.

.. and so are you - hearing mother... So basically, Bebonang is saying that you don't have a clue either..
So ignore Bebonang's comment.

And why we have to struggle so hard just because we have to respect to the hearing parents by going to mainstream school and having to learn to speak and lipread without sign language. The hearing parents don't respect us halfway by learning to sign with us and getting the accommodations for us, Deafies. Both of my parents don't sign and neither my sister but she tried to sign Alphabet. They think that I can lipread and talk a lot better than signing That is their satisfaction while I was not happy about it all. So if your daughter can sign with you, then go for it. Good luck on your journey with your deaf daughter.

.... and this will be the same for your daughter, except that her mother knows sign..

Your story sounds a lot like Jillio's story who was here on AllDeaf. She also raised her child without her husband (I believe) and learned ASL..
You two might have a lot in common, so try to get in contact with her..

 

[deafdyke]

Destiny, have you tried hearing aids first? Profound does not mean unaidable. There is deep profound which can only be helped by CIs, BUT even some profound and severe profound losses can be aided! It's a FACT that every hearing loss is different. Hearing aids especially very powerful ones may help. If she wasn't dx until relatively late, it's possible that she may have some residual hearing....and in fact, when we were young, it wasn't that unusual for DEAF kids to be identified as deaf when they were toddlers. You know, there were CI kids who weren't implanted until they were TWO, but still developed speech skills (Clarke/CID and the other oral schools were BOOMING back then!)
Keep an open mind as to CI. It's not the ONLY option, but it MAY be a helpful option, especially if HAs aren't enough. I know people who were anti CI, but changed their minds....it's good that you seem to have an open mind. Some of the marketing/pushing for CI makes it seem like a GOTTA HAVE MIRICLE DEVICE. You gotta be very skeptical.
Are you near a school for the Deaf? You may want to move near your state's Deaf School. There are usually a lot of Deaf families as well as a larger then usual population of Sign only kids!I know some parents have mentioned that a lot of kids in sign using local programs now seem to be orally skilled (but with sign too!) and their sign only kids have felt left out. It's awesome that you've decided to pursue ASL....MANY hearing parents don't. Good luck.....ASL rocks!

 

[Cloggy]

Hi Destiny,

I salute you for being brave in facing this situation. This community will give you the emotional support you need. Take care and be strong

Welcome James..
Impressive to have your first post in AllDeaf 21 minutes after DVroman's first post..

It sounds ( "This community" ) that you are in a Deaf community so I hope you can guide DVroman towards a Deaf community in her area.
She will need all the help she can get..

 

[deafdyke]

might not be happy getting a CI" might also be "might not be happy being deaf".... Who's to tell...

WHAT THE F*&K?!?!?!
THAT is a very unhealthy way to raise a dhh kid. I'm "ONLY" HOH but I don't know what it's like to be hearing..... AT ALL!!!!! I used to have this attitude....wanted to be as hearie as possible, until I came to terms with it and totally and completly accepted it. My mental health and quality of life has been SO MUCH better! Would you send a gay kid for gay conversation therapy? No, so why do hearing parents think that HOH kids should be as hearing as possible, and the hearing world is SO wonderful and glorious?

 

[Bebonang]

WHAT THE F*&K?!?!?!
THAT is a very unhealthy way to raise a dhh kid. I'm "ONLY" HOH but I don't know what it's like to be hearing..... AT ALL!!!!! I used to have this attitude....wanted to be as hearie as possible, until I came to terms with it and totally and completly accepted it. My mental health and quality of life has been SO MUCH better! Would you send a gay kid for gay conversation therapy? No, so why do hearing parents think that HOH kids should be as hearing as possible, and the hearing world is SO wonderful and glorious?

I second that.

 

[Cloggy]

........ she might not be happy getting a CI ......
.....hearing mother like you but she has different opinion and really not understand anything about deaf children's life......

... "might not be happy getting a CI" might also be "might not be happy being deaf".... Who's to tell...

WHAT THE F*&K?!?!?!
THAT is a very unhealthy way to raise a dhh kid. ......

I second that.

You would...

So.. It's perfectly OK to say "she might not be happy getting a CI" and insult the mother that she doesn't know her child because she's not deaf,

but me saying "...might not be happy being deaf" goes straight to the subject of raising dhh children.. including "WHAT THE F*&K?!?!?!"....
btw.. What is "THAT" referring to ???

How on earth are you girls thinking....

 

[Bebonang]

Because you would not accept your daughter for being deaf. You went ahead and put CI on her just so that she can please you for being hearing when she is not. She will always be deaf no matter what. CI is the same like hearing aid. They are just tools but it is not benefit for them to listen and hear the words accurately. Not true at all. You want her to be involve in the hearing world, period. Did she have any deaf friends that she can relate to like sign language? She will be happy if she does. You are just stubborn as we have been through this discussion for over 6 years. You just refuse to accept us just because we are deaf and we have the experience of what is like to be in a Deaf world. We are telling you our experiences, but you refuse to understand us. You just don't get it.

 

[Mimsy]

You just refuse to accept us just because we are deaf and we have the experience of what is like to be in a Deaf world. We are telling you our experiences, but you refuse to understand us. You just don't get it.

When you say "us", it seems you mean all Deaf feel the same way. How can that be possible? Some Deaf want to hear and some don't. That is what I have learned from alldeaf.com Please correct me if I am wrong.

 

[Cloggy]

........ They are just tools but it is not benefit for them to listen and hear the words accurately. Not true at all.

I can see you have not read any information regarding CI. You rely on your own (Deaf?) world to find the information..
Have you even met children with CI? I think the problem is that you don't see them. They are too integrated in the hearing world to see. In your Deaf world, you will probably only see children with CI that have problems hearing....

You want her to be involve in the hearing world, period. Did she have any deaf friends that she can relate to like sign language? She will be happy if she does.

... as opposed to the (you automatically assume) sad, signlanguage deprived child she is now?.. YOu really have no clue when you are assuming this, and evidently you have made sure that you will never see a child that is successful. Isn't it time for you to do a search on youtube with "cochlear implant children" and have a look... Or is that too frightning?

You are just stubborn as we have been through this discussion for over 6 years. You just refuse to accept us just because we are deaf and we have the experience of what is like to be in a Deaf world. We are telling you our experiences, but you refuse to understand us. You just don't get it.

You are not telling me about your experiences.. you are telling me of the experiences of deaf children that can hear with a CI... as if you have a clue.
I have posted video's of Lotte speaking on the phone with friends and family... What do you think when you see that... "That must be fake" .. or do you choose not to look at those video's??

Is there really no-one around you that knows sign that has told you that in fact, children with CI are very successful. Not the medical dropout and misfits that you make them to be....

 

[Cloggy]

When you say "us", it seems you mean all Deaf feel the same way. How can that be possible? Some Deaf want to hear and some don't. That is what I have learned from alldeaf.com Please correct me if I am wrong.

I think any Deaf person that wants to hear is probably considered "deaf", not "Deaf" by the Deaf community...

 

[Mimsy]

I think any Deaf person that wants to hear is probably considered "deaf", not "Deaf" by the Deaf community...

Thank you. I understand the issue now.

 

[Cloggy]

..... but it is not benefit for them to listen and hear the words accurately. Not true at all. ....... You just don't get it.

Very old article... 10 years old.. but I just picked the one on the top when in the results of the search " result cochlear implant children " in Google

Maybe you're interested?

Science News ... from universities, journals, and other research organizations

Deaf Children Who Get Cochlear Implants Early In Life Get The Biggest Language Boost, Concludes Largest-Ever Study
ScienceDaily (Jan. 5, 2001) — ANN ARBOR, MI

The younger deaf and hearing-impaired children are when a cochlear implant awakens their hearing, the better they will do on speech recognition tests later in life, according to the new results of the largest and most carefully designed study of its kind.

.......

Speech perception results in children with cochlear implants: Contributing factors

ANNELLE V. HODGES, MS, PhD, MARY DOLAN ASH, BS, MS, THOMAS J. BALKANY, MD, JERRY J. SCHLOFFMAN, BA, MA, and STACY L. BUTTS, BA, MA, Miami, Florida

Speech perception test results were obtained from a group of 40 pediatric cochlear implant users. Half of the children participated in oral-only habilitation programs, which included both traditional oral and auditory-verbal approaches, and half participated in programs that used a combination of oral and manual communication referred to as total communication (TC). Analysis of the scores showed that children enrolled in oral-only habilitation programs scored significantly higher on the speech perception measures than did children who were enrolled in total communication–based programs. These results were inconsistent with those of other reports, which suggested that communication methods had little effect on implant outcomes. To further examine the reasons for the differences in performance, we analyzed 7 additional factors, including length of implant use, age at surgery, device type, socioeconomic status, bilingualism, school setting, and participation in private therapy, which may affect implant performance. Multiple-regression analysis again showed communication mode to be the factor most highly correlated with speech perception abilities among this group of children.
(Otolaryngol Head Neck Surg 1999;121:31-4.)

Please continue reading... and start learning about CI..

btw.. NAD - National Association of the Deaf

 

[Cloggy]

Thank you. I understand the issue now.

That's impressive.. Not many people understand it.. LL..
but I forgot to make a capital "D" at the end there...

I think any Deaf person that wants to hear is probably considered "deaf", not "Deaf" by the Deaf community...

(Can you change that in your post with my quote as well..??)