A little confused and frustrated

rebeccalj

New Member
Dating hearie who knows how much communication is important to me. I didn't hear from him for almost two day (ie: text).

Thought we were to be spending weekend together at his place but never heard from him for sure if this was plan so I just went home after work and made plans with other friends to go out and watch hockey at pub instead.

I get text from him at 7 PM asking where I was and if I am okay. He say he thought I was coming over. I explain that I hadn't heard from him in almost two days so I made other plans.

I am not the kind of woman who is going to sit home pining over a man.

He has registered for ASL with me to start in about two weeks so I know he *wants* to understand how to communicate with me in my language.

I'm troubled because I feel like, typical hearie, he shuts me out. I live in near silence and the last thing I want is to be shut out. Drive me insane to be shut out.

Does anyone else experience this in a deafie/hearie relationship? How do you handle feeling "shut out?"
 

BecLak

Well-Known Member
:wave: (I'm married to a hearie and have hearing kids)

May I suggest not to be afraid to spell it out for him. Eg: "contact me" needs to be spelled out as "text me" otherwise he will translate that as "call me". He doesn't know how it is to be deaf. He was probably waiting for you to text him during those 2 days, that's why he was asking if you were ok. Maybe he is still not sure how to go about accomodating you, so you need to communicate this with him continuously, telling him exactly how to go about communicating with you. Eg: "You need to write that down for me"; "Please look at me" etc. People who aren't deaf tend to forget easily what they need to do to accomodate you, you need to be constantly reminding them. It calls for patience, but it becomes a habit after a while.
 

Frisky Feline

Well-Known Member
I have not yet experience with hearie in a relationship. agian I am married already. From what I see your post, I can see that you are giving him some space by not texting him too much which is good. So, maybe I could be wrong since I have not been in there for over 16 yrs! lol I wonder how come you didn't text him for following up on the plan to see if the plan is still on or not? Since he asked you to come over his place therefore i thought it is privilige to check on him to see if the plan is still on. If he had already registered for ASL class for real then he is interested in getting to know you. I guess he is giving you some space not to text you too much too!
I guess you both are too new to each other if i am not mistake that you both may have more time to get to know each other by communicating better.

I could be wrong but he sounds like he's a great guy since he registered for asl class. WOW!

SOrry I am not in this postion to express my experience about deafie and hearie relationship but I can tell you something about guys thing. Guys often not to express or speak his mind when guys are in relationship based on my experiences, as well as i listen to my girlfriends experiences whose their relationships with guys. Guys don't talk much or share their thoughts so deeply at all.
the bottom line, is that you guys need to communicate more like following up on the status of seeing if the plan is still on or doubl check or anything and make it short and sweet in the text message. It should saves your time by getting a confusion signals from him.

good luck
 

ember

New Member
Oh honey I wouldn't worry about it thats just a guys behavior period.Okay let me say all hearie guys since thats all I know and even if you were a hearie, he would have done and acted the same way. One of my best friends is a guy and who knows why they think the way they do. If he signed up for and is going on a journey with you to learn ASL and immerse himself THATS HUGE trust me. With hearie guys for sure, if you have to stop and wonder if he likes you and what is going on then chances are he is just not that into you. When a guy really likes a girl and is going for her then he starts to move mountains to be with her and it sounds like he has started to move one for you. I hope for nothing less than happiness for the both you. Good Luck and I hope that helps.
 
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jenniifer

New Member
Or maybe he is just a jerk who was too "busy" to contact you and figured he would send you some bullshit message acting all concerned at the last minute on Friday night, pretending that he thought YOU were supposed to contact HIM. Until you know him better, don't give him the benefit of the doubt. 99.9% of men know how the "game" works...even in this day and age, we wait, and they do the calling. I don't mean women can't take the initiative every once in a while, or call more once the relationship is established...but, we all know that calling them too much in the beginning is a no-no. He should have called or texted YOU to check on the weekend plans, and waaay before 7pm on Friday night.

My advice would be to continue with the plans that you made with your friends, while sweetly telling this guy that when you did not hear from him, you thought maybe something came up and he was busy. If he likes you, that will be no big deal and it will also be a little lesson for him to make sure he keeps in touch about plans. If he has an issue with it, and thinks you should sit back and make no plans just in case you hear from him...well, there are plenty of fish in the sea. There is one thing that is definitely true: men who are really interested in seeing you will pick up the phone and call.
 

rockin'robin

Well-Known Member
Or maybe he is just a jerk who was too "busy" to contact you and figured he would send you some bullshit message acting all concerned at the last minute on Friday night, pretending that he thought YOU were supposed to contact HIM. Until you know him better, don't give him the benefit of the doubt. 99.9% of men know how the "game" works...even in this day and age, we wait, and they do the calling. I don't mean women can't take the initiative every once in a while, or call more once the relationship is established...but, we all know that calling them too much in the beginning is a no-no. He should have called or texted YOU to check on the weekend plans, and waaay before 7pm on Friday night.

My advice would be to continue with the plans that you made with your friends, while sweetly telling this guy that when you did not hear from him, you thought maybe something came up and he was busy. If he likes you, that will be no big deal and it will also be a little lesson for him to make sure he keeps in touch about plans. If he has an issue with it, and thinks you should sit back and make no plans just in case you hear from him...well, there are plenty of fish in the sea. There is one thing that is definitely true: men who are really interested in seeing you will pick up the phone and call.

:gpost:
 

ember

New Member
:dunno:

*sigh*

Who knows honestly, this is exactly why I am apprehensive about dating and putting myself out there. Way to many rules do this, don't do that, say this, don't say that. And then after a few months and you are emotionally invested you both stop being Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde in both of you come out and all the things that was a "don't", and it all starts to go down hill because you never knew that person really in the first place. Ideally if I met a guy we would talk and be friends first get to know each other no strings attached and then maybe one day say hey you know I think you are kinda cute ;p.

But this is all IMO
 

TWA

New Member
Premium Member
Or maybe he is just a jerk who was too "busy" to contact you and figured he would send you some bullshit message acting all concerned at the last minute on Friday night, pretending that he thought YOU were supposed to contact HIM. Until you know him better, don't give him the benefit of the doubt. 99.9% of men know how the "game" works...even in this day and age, we wait, and they do the calling. I don't mean women can't take the initiative every once in a while, or call more once the relationship is established...but, we all know that calling them too much in the beginning is a no-no. He should have called or texted YOU to check on the weekend plans, and waaay before 7pm on Friday night.

My advice would be to continue with the plans that you made with your friends, while sweetly telling this guy that when you did not hear from him, you thought maybe something came up and he was busy. If he likes you, that will be no big deal and it will also be a little lesson for him to make sure he keeps in touch about plans. If he has an issue with it, and thinks you should sit back and make no plans just in case you hear from him...well, there are plenty of fish in the sea. There is one thing that is definitely true: men who are really interested in seeing you will pick up the phone and call.

This is probably closest to what really happened. Sorry to say. When I like a woman and am looking forward to spending time with her, I will let her know well before 7pm the night of...
 

cayisgreat

New Member
I'm going to give the guy the benefit of the doubt and just say maybe he was busy and forgot, or it was just a typical hearie-mistake, one that he will learn not to do the more time you spend together. I mean the guy is taking an ASL class with you, to me, that alone would be enough to tell me he's really interested.

We're not him, so we don't know why he didn't text. Maybe he waited until later because he didn't want to seem clingy, texting you all the time. Lots of girls (sisters, mothers, etc) will tell a guy one of two things: that they LIKE being texted all the time, or that they DON'T like it. The guy is probably a dud at dating, and wondering if there are special rules for deaf-dating.

Idk how long you two have been going out, and I could be totally wrong, anyway.

That being said, it's good you don't just wait around for him to contact you and made other plans. Just make sure you tell him it bothered you, and make it clear that you would like more communication. If he can't manage that then he's probably not worth it. gl

EDIT: *hug* btw :) you sounded like you needed it
 

whatdidyousay!

Well-Known Member
Dating hearie who knows how much communication is important to me. I didn't hear from him for almost two day (ie: text).

Thought we were to be spending weekend together at his place but never heard from him for sure if this was plan so I just went home after work and made plans with other friends to go out and watch hockey at pub instead.

I get text from him at 7 PM asking where I was and if I am okay. He say he thought I was coming over. I explain that I hadn't heard from him in almost two days so I made other plans.

I am not the kind of woman who is going to sit home pining over a man.

He has registered for ASL with me to start in about two weeks so I know he *wants* to understand how to communicate with me in my language.

I'm troubled because I feel like, typical hearie, he shuts me out. I live in near silence and the last thing I want is to be shut out. Drive me insane to be shut out.

Does anyone else experience this in a deafie/hearie relationship? How do you handle feeling "shut out?"
I think that it would be hard to know is just how mad a guy it about not showing up from a text. Do you think your boyfriend was upset with you or more concerned about you? I would look at this as how he care about you.
At least your boyfriend now know you're your own woman and have a life of your own. I think it great you're this way! I had a bad experience with a hearing boyfriend.
I once lived with a boyfriend that was hearing and he had friend over. I when into the kitchen to do something and when I when back to be with the the guys they both stopped talking right away! I knew right away my boyfriend and his friend thought since I was HOH they could talk about me behind my back. I was very upset and angry at my boyfriend , and he was blowned away that I knew what was going on! I think some hearing people think if you're deaf or HOH that you're also S L O W!
And they're dead WRONG!!
 

rebeccalj

New Member
:wave: (I'm married to a hearie and have hearing kids)

May I suggest not to be afraid to spell it out for him. Eg: "contact me" needs to be spelled out as "text me" otherwise he will translate that as "call me". He doesn't know how it is to be deaf. He was probably waiting for you to text him during those 2 days, that's why he was asking if you were ok. Maybe he is still not sure how to go about accomodating you, so you need to communicate this with him continuously, telling him exactly how to go about communicating with you. Eg: "You need to write that down for me"; "Please look at me" etc. People who aren't deaf tend to forget easily what they need to do to accomodate you, you need to be constantly reminding them. It calls for patience, but it becomes a habit after a while.

Of course, you are right. :hug: I *have* told him that I won't chase a man. It's not going to happen. That I need him to communicate with me. Probably more than he is used to from hearie/hearie relationships.

I neglect to say his Mum have surgery on Thursday morning so he was with father on Thursday night. I knew this. The last thing he say to me, when I asked him to let me know how surgery goes, is that he will definitely let me know. Then I hear nothing all day. Friday comes and I *still* hear nothing from him until 7 PM. This is unusual for him to not at least text me during the day.

Of course, I will go to his place later and we will talk so whatever the misunderstanding is will be cleared up.

:ty:
 

TWA

New Member
Premium Member
Of course, you are right. :hug: I *have* told him that I won't chase a man. It's not going to happen. That I need him to communicate with me. Probably more than he is used to from hearie/hearie relationships.

I neglect to say his Mum have surgery on Thursday morning so he was with father on Thursday night. I knew this. The last thing he say to me, when I asked him to let me know how surgery goes, is that he will definitely let me know. Then I hear nothing all day. Friday comes and I *still* hear nothing from him until 7 PM. This is unusual for him to not at least text me during the day.

Of course, I will go to his place later and we will talk so whatever the misunderstanding is will be cleared up.

:ty:

What kind of surgery?
 

rebeccalj

New Member
I have not yet experience with hearie in a relationship. agian I am married already. From what I see your post, I can see that you are giving him some space by not texting him too much which is good. So, maybe I could be wrong since I have not been in there for over 16 yrs! lol I wonder how come you didn't text him for following up on the plan to see if the plan is still on or not? Since he asked you to come over his place therefore i thought it is privilige to check on him to see if the plan is still on. If he had already registered for ASL class for real then he is interested in getting to know you. I guess he is giving you some space not to text you too much too!
I guess you both are too new to each other if i am not mistake that you both may have more time to get to know each other by communicating better.

I could be wrong but he sounds like he's a great guy since he registered for asl class. WOW!

SOrry I am not in this postion to express my experience about deafie and hearie relationship but I can tell you something about guys thing. Guys often not to express or speak his mind when guys are in relationship based on my experiences, as well as i listen to my girlfriends experiences whose their relationships with guys. Guys don't talk much or share their thoughts so deeply at all.
the bottom line, is that you guys need to communicate more like following up on the status of seeing if the plan is still on or doubl check or anything and make it short and sweet in the text message. It should saves your time by getting a confusion signals from him.

good luck

Yes, we are still new (4 months) so we are still learning how to communicate effectively. It is probably our only challenge. He learnt? the ASL alphabet on his own and showed me, as a surprise, and I couldn't help but tear up. I love how he embrace the culture and the language and how he wants to learn so that he accommodate me instead of me accommodate him.

I am probably reading more into it because I'm sensitive about being shut out. As I mentioned, his Mum have surgery so it is quite possible that he was just tied up with that and just got busy.
 

rebeccalj

New Member
Or maybe he is just a jerk who was too "busy" to contact you and figured he would send you some bullshit message acting all concerned at the last minute on Friday night, pretending that he thought YOU were supposed to contact HIM. Until you know him better, don't give him the benefit of the doubt. 99.9% of men know how the "game" works...even in this day and age, we wait, and they do the calling. I don't mean women can't take the initiative every once in a while, or call more once the relationship is established...but, we all know that calling them too much in the beginning is a no-no. He should have called or texted YOU to check on the weekend plans, and waaay before 7pm on Friday night.

My advice would be to continue with the plans that you made with your friends, while sweetly telling this guy that when you did not hear from him, you thought maybe something came up and he was busy. If he likes you, that will be no big deal and it will also be a little lesson for him to make sure he keeps in touch about plans. If he has an issue with it, and thinks you should sit back and make no plans just in case you hear from him...well, there are plenty of fish in the sea. There is one thing that is definitely true: men who are really interested in seeing you will pick up the phone and call.

You seem angry about men. :giggle:

I agree with you, completely, about not sitting around waiting. I am a big believer in, "You teach people how to treat you." I am nobody's doormat.

Plus, no offence to the men here, but some men need to be trained.:P I think, if there is a next time, where there is confusion, he will be darn sure to try to clarify the plans. He will learn from this.
 

TWA

New Member
Premium Member
She have cancer scare last year. This was a follow up biopsy. She should be home on Sunday or Monday.

This is important information. As important as you are, he probably had a lot of things on his mind. I think it's understandable that he took a long time to contact you.

But he should have told you something like, "Wow baby, I'm sorry I should have txt'd you sooner. I've just had a lot on my mind because of my mom's surgery and everything, but I'd still really like to see you."

I really don't think this has much to do with deaf/hearing differences. It's a matter of basic relationship communication.
 

ember

New Member
You seem angry about men. :giggle:

I agree with you, completely, about not sitting around waiting. I am a big believer in, "You teach people how to treat you." I am nobody's doormat.

Plus, no offence to the men here, but some men need to be trained.:P I think, if there is a next time, where there is confusion, he will be darn sure to try to clarify the plans. He will learn from this.

Whew that's way more work than I would ever put into a relationship. IMO children are to be trained, dogs are to be trained, but a man is either a man or not.

No judgements here to each their own
 

rebeccalj

New Member
I'm going to give the guy the benefit of the doubt and just say maybe he was busy and forgot, or it was just a typical hearie-mistake, one that he will learn not to do the more time you spend together. I mean the guy is taking an ASL class with you, to me, that alone would be enough to tell me he's really interested.

We're not him, so we don't know why he didn't text. Maybe he waited until later because he didn't want to seem clingy, texting you all the time. Lots of girls (sisters, mothers, etc) will tell a guy one of two things: that they LIKE being texted all the time, or that they DON'T like it. The guy is probably a dud at dating, and wondering if there are special rules for deaf-dating.

Idk how long you two have been going out, and I could be totally wrong, anyway.

That being said, it's good you don't just wait around for him to contact you and made other plans. Just make sure you tell him it bothered you, and make it clear that you would like more communication. If he can't manage that then he's probably not worth it. gl

EDIT: *hug* btw :) you sounded like you needed it

:ty: for the :hug: Yes, I needed that.

As I say earlier I forget to mention his Mum's surgery. He is very, very close to family (Mum, Dad, Sister). He went Thursday to stay with Dad to make sure he is okay. Good, good son. :)

I will be sure to explain to him how being shut out bothers me. You are right. We have been *SO* good up until now about communicating at the time. Not delaying. When he do not text me I start to worry about his Mum. Then I start to worry that something is wrong. Then I start to wonder if I did something wrong and he's mad. Then, then, then. :laugh2: I think too much sometimes.
 

rebeccalj

New Member
I think that it would be hard to know is just how mad a guy it about not showing up from a text. Do you think your boyfriend was upset with you or more concerned about you? I would look at this as how he care about you.
At least your boyfriend now know you're your own woman and have a life of your own. I think it great you're this way! I had a bad experience with a hearing boyfriend.
I once lived with a boyfriend that was hearing and he had friend over. I when into the kitchen to do something and when I when back to be with the the guys they both stopped talking right away! I knew right away my boyfriend and his friend thought since I was HOH they could talk about me behind my back. I was very upset and angry at my boyfriend , and he was blowned away that I knew what was going on! I think some hearing people think if you're deaf or HOH that you're also S L O W!
And they're dead WRONG!!

Yes, he was worried. We text back and forth a few times when I tell him I'm at pub with friends watching game.

He say to me that if I was that worried (about his Mum) I should have texted him but said that he felt it could wait until I came over Friday after work to tell me how things went. Just a misunderstanding. Told me not to worry about it and have fun with friends.

I completely understand the talking behind your back. If hearies only knew how hurtful that is to us I'm sure many wouldn't do that. My son occasionally talks behind his hand and, wow, do I ever get mad about that. It is *SO* rude!!
 
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