Wrestling with Angels

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teamint

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I started this because I wanted to leave the thread about inconsiderate hearing people stories to the requested "venting" activity. If people are interested in discussing and exploring the idea of cultural exchange, its challenges, and how to improve -- I'm very interested in the discussion. DISCLAIMER: THIS IS NOT A THREAD WHERE THE EXPECTATION IS FOR EVERYONE TO AGREE WITH EVERYONE ELSE. It is a thread started for the purpose of learning and growing and understanding new things. If you don't want to do this, I happily refer you to the other 'venting' thread.
 
I think you took it too personally. They have been through so much such as struggling to rely someone else's lips, struggle to see or listen to someone else's voices and get make fun of and go on.

I have not experience with all of this kind because i grew up in a deaf world and hearing world. Sure they did make fun of me but i gave them a flip the birds many times. So you made your thread, no problem so what is your reason to share it here with us? :aw:
 
To discuss things, exchange ideas, etc. A "safe zone" for exploration -- where people do not have to all be in accord to talk about ideas. I was hoping it might interest someone who would be willing to share their experiences and ideas. I want to understand other perspectives. I really do. And there is no possible way for me to be re-born Deaf in order to understand. So, I need to find people who are willing to converse.

I am not sure what you mean by "too personal." I am not offended or anything by the other thread. I'm just saddened that my curiosity seemed to anger people. I don't understand. But, in effort to accept their disposition, I created a different thread. It seemed like the kind thing to do? I think.

I wondered to my spouse if the reactionary response might be a Deaf culture thing. What do you think? She said she doesn't think so. She thinks it is a 'logic person' vs 'emotional person' thing. She could be right; she often has to translate things that I find bizarrely illogical, for me to better understand. Emotionalism is not my area. I can fake it, when I have a patient in front of me or something. But in reality, I don't get it. And no, I don't think that is a hearing person thing, because I have met more emotional hearing people than I have logical hearing people. Which may, in fact, contribute to hearing people rudeness? Not sure; I will have to think about that more.
 
In case anyone is interested and has jumped over from the other thread, I suppose I will respond to Grayma and Green's most recent comments here.

Let's start with Grayma who said:

>"It's not his job to add something new to your thinking."

It sure isn't. It's MY job. And I do that best by engaging in dialogue with people. Now, a different question: is it his job to add something to his OWN thinking? Is it anyone/everyone's? And how is that best accomplished?

>"Hearing people who are rude do target their rudeness toward the area that they are ignorant about, troubled about, irritated by, frustrated by, caught by surprise by - in short, the thing that is different. So of course the general rudeness of the majority of human beings is esssentially narrowed and focused on deafness when it's a deaf person who has annoyed, frustrated, surprised, inconvenienced, irritated, etc. them."

An interesting perspective. I am not sure, though that while said rudeness might be focused on deafness that it is BECAUSE of deafness. I would assert that it is because of the frustration, surprise, fear, etc.

> "Green doesn't have to defend his comment to you."

Nope, he doesn't. He can choose to. Or not. Just like I can choose to ask; or not.

> "It's his life, his experience, and he knows better than you whether his responses are based in fact or feelings (unless Green is a she, then change pronouns). It's kind of bizarre for a stranger on the internet who has no experience of living with deafness to decide he or she can diagnose the root causes of a rude person's behavior (behavior you know of third hand) better than the person who was there and lives with the condition."


Fascinating. I can think of only two possibilities here. Either you are confused about the conversation or I am. In order to try to see if I was the one confused, I went back and re-read the thread from my entry point on, multiple times. Despite this, your statement has me baffled. In interest of completeness, I shall try to respond. Of course Green can decide if his responses are based on fact or feelings. Decide away, Green! Amazingly other people can also decide to ask Green his decision and how he came to it. He can decide to respond. They can then form their own responses to his response. And so on. And, no, I don't think it is odd at all for a person, who is part of the accused Rude culture, to offer an alternative motivation for rudeness than the one perceived by the 'victimized' culture. For example: 'no, dude. We didn't bomb you because of your religion. We bombed you because you took all our water and we were thirsty,' would be a really enlightening statement in certain areas of the world. If you re-read, you will see that Green (a Deaf person) was speaking about the motivations of HEARING people. THOSE motivations were questioned. And by your own logic, Grayma, he can't do that because he can never understand them until he is one of them, eh? (Which, by the way, I do not believe is true. If you want to try to understand hearing culture - assuming there is such a thing - Green, by questioning and thinking and asking and learning, more power to you!)











 
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Then Grayma said:

> "You have no basis for disagreement. These are not your experiences. You are not even a witness to the events."

But I do and they are and I have been.

1 )I expressed my basis for disagreement in the other thread. My premise, to recap, is that inconsiderate behavior is more likely motivated by fear or feeling threatened by difference than the difference itself.

2) Really? What are my experiences? Have I ever been rude or inconsiderate to a Deaf or deaf or HOH person? I am sure that I have, so I do not know why you are sure that I have not.

3) See above.

> "You are hearing about them third-hand and deciding you have enough evidence from your position as a reader of posts on a computer to determined that you know *more* about what another person has actually experienced first hand than he does."

I again point out that I never questioned Green's experiences, merely the conclusion from them regarding the motivation of the other HEARING (not Deaf) party. And I NEVER said that I know more than he does about ANYTHING. I said I disagree with his conclusion. He disagrees with my conclusion about his conclusion. So, it seems, do you. I think that is great! :)

>"That's annoying in any culture."

What is annoying? Disagreement? Hmmm.... maybe to some people, I suppose. That is very sad for them. How will they grow and learn? Are said people in all cultures? <shrug> Maybe. I am only familiar with a couple dozen cultures in any well-educated way. There are surely many many more than that out there. So I cannot speak to that statement. It is possible you are right. I don't have enough data to make a guess.
 
Wow, you really are something else.

I've said what I have to say. I'm done.

Good luck looking for your answers.
 
Now to Green who said:

>"What you are looking for is scientific evidence (proof) that such behavior exists among people."

AH!! I think I am beginning to understand a conflict in our communication. I am not, nor was I, trying to state that the behavior (namely, rudeness/inconsiderate/etc) doesn't exist. <relieved> I am so glad that you clarified! That was not my intention at all. OF COURSE it exists. I was questioning the MOTIVATION that you suggested was behind the behavior.

>"It is like telling black people that there really is no concrete evidence that discrimination is directed towards them because they are black...therefore their arguments that "the white folk are doing this to us 'cuz we are black" are null and void."

I have been thinking about this idea a great deal today, between patients. I think it is a fascinating parallel and I thank you for bringing it up. However, I have come to some road-blocks in trying to think through your statement. First, white folk DID historically discriminate against Africans because they were black. The negro was not thought of a human, he was bought and shipped to White areas as an animal. I suppose one could make a solid argument that said discrimination was not about skin color either. One could argue it was about profit-making. <nodding> There could be merit to that argument. I don't know. Anyway, then groups like the KKK emerged to purge the darkness from the purity of White. (Of note here, I don't know any Klan folks. If you happen to be a Klan person, reading this, and you actually think there was a different motivation for seeking out and lynching blacks, I am willing to stand corrected. I also don't know any slave traders, so ditto to them.) Now, to the question of whether White people are still motivated by blackness to be rude to Black people is more closely aligned, perhaps to the question of hearing/Deaf. Perhaps the motivation for discrimination has changed from its historical roots? I hardly think anything else is possible, since motivations/people/culture can rarely stagnate for long.

Now, I don't know of any groups of hearing people who get together to bash (literally and figuratively) Deaf people. And if those groups exist, I am almost sure that they are NOT representative of the majority. And I have never encountered a single hearing person say, "You know who I really hate? Deaf people. Golly, I wish I could just go be mean to them because it is so annoying that they can't hear! It offends me so much that their acoustic abilities are different than mine! How dare they go around being all DEAF all the time!" I am not saying that the person who might say this doesn't exist. They might. But they are not, I would think, the majority.

> "We cannot provide you with scientific evidence, but we can provide you with common sense. If that is not enough to satisfy your theories, then so be it."

Fair enough. If you are offering to provide me with common sense, I offer to listen to it. Please proceed.

> "By the way, I am a middle-aged male that has been profoundly deaf for 40 years, and had to deal with years of being bullied and mocked by....who else but... hearing people!!!!"

Thank you for clarifying. Now we know what to do with the pronouns! <grin> I'd hate to keep referring to you as 's/he'

> "I should bring you along to some of the job interviews I've done. On paper, my experience as an application engineer is a big plus, and employers get all excited to meet me, they meet me, we talk the talk for awhile, then I break the news to them: I am legally deaf. Suddenly, their excitement fades....then the questions begin..."How can you be able to do this if you can't hear?"...in the end, I never hear from them again. They end up hiring some clueless kid and spend thousands to train him, and yet that kid ends up getting fired anyway."

Do you suppose that they really do wonder if you can do the job without hearing? I have a friend who is a Deaf physician. I wondered for a YEAR how the heck he could ascertain heart sounds, given his lack of hearing. Finally, I swallowed my fear of 'asking a dumb question and making a faux-pas' and just asked. Turns out he can't hear heart sounds. If he is worried, he gets an EKG or asks a colleague to check for him. Is that discrimination?

>"You don't need an advanced degree in psychology to see that this is a subtle form of discrimination....usually directed towards the deaf. But, oh, no, you are right!! There is no proof!!........ No one actually said that they would not hire me because I am deaf. They are not stupid."

<sigh> I did not say that the discrimination/rudeness/etc is not directed toward the deaf. I suggested that it might not usually be BECAUSE of deafness. In the above case, is it possible that the reason for the discrimination was their fear that they could not accommodate, or that it would be more costly (less profitable) to do so? Or some other equally self/business centered reason?

Or do you think that they said, "Darn Bob, that guy sure had me fooled. Those sneaky Deaf people. They are invading everywhere, you know. Just yesterday, I saw that Jack Sparrow actor doing a video in their Deaf language. They should just all stick to their own businesses, instead of wanting to take a perfectly good hearing person's job. You aren't going to hire him are you? I mean, we don't want THEIR kind around."

>"l, actually one of our ex-supervisors told me in my face once that I should not be working in the office because I can't hear on the Nextel. Never mind that I've been doing this for many years prior."

What is nextel? And how can you hear on it? And why did she think that you couldn't if you can?

> "See where I am going?"
Not yet, but I surely appreciate your input and I definitely have enjoyed the ride and I think that I am beginning to see your point. I am very grateful you took the time to clarify it and discuss it with me, even if - in the end - we may not agree. I am okay with that, and I hope you are too.

>"I am not offended, just frustrated at the typical hearing-people-in-denial-about-deaf-people bullshit."

<wide eyed> I think that is the first time in my WHOLE life that I have EVER been accused of being typical. I wish I could hug you!
 
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Not typical? Just normally accused of big headed arrogance?

Do you notice, how you are picking on deaf people and saying they don't know what, or why?
 
Wirelessly posted (Blackberry Bold )

Teamint - you say your a doctor?

I'd (honestly) recommend you take some sensitivity and disabilty training.

I am so glad that I'm not your patient, in fact I feel badly for those you "treat".

An important part of being a doctor is listening and empathizing. Both seem to be things you are either unable or unwilling to do.
 
Botti:
Arrogant? Yes, that I have been accused of before.
But no, I do not see how I am picking on anyone. I am disagreeing with a statement about hearing people's motivation. I AM a hearing person. I'm posing a thought about "MY PEOPLE"'s motivations. That is all I am doing. Well, that and getting totally flamed.
 
Anij;
Yep, I'm a doctor. I love it. I am passionate about healing and integrative care and empowering patients to be proactive in their own health. And you know what? When patients come into the office with heart failure, and they haven't been following their low salt diet -- I ASK THEM WHY? I ask them to justify their decision. I educate them about the possible consequences of said decision. I explore with them what barriers keep them from promoting their health. And then I try to work with them to overcome those barriers. I DO NOT just agree with them and say, "Yeah, you are right -- following the low salt diet is dumb. You probably won't die of fluid congestion in your lungs because, heck, you don't think you will and you know everything about you!" We have a discussion. We listen TO EACH OTHER. We are a team.

I understand that you are trying to provoke by poking at an area of identity. But I already know that I am a valued healer by my patients. They tell me every day. Could I be better? Of course. And I try to improve with each patient I see. If that makes me a doctor whose patients should be pitied, so be it. You can pity them, but I will not. I think that each and every one is a strong, amazing person.

<shrug> If you have suggestions about how to be a better doctor, I'm always interested to hear them.
 
Green;
Thank you for the good luck! I wish you good luck in your future endeavors as well. You, too, are something else - something wonderful! I am sorry to see you go! Thank you for your contributions to the discussion! Come back anytime!
 
Anij;
Yep, I'm a doctor. I love it. I am passionate about healing and integrative care and empowering patients to be proactive in their own health. And you know what? When patients come into the office with heart failure, and they haven't been following their low salt diet -- I ASK THEM WHY? I ask them to justify their decision. I educate them about the possible consequences of said decision. I explore with them what barriers keep them from promoting their health. And then I try to work with them to overcome those barriers. I DO NOT just agree with them and say, "Yeah, you are right -- following the low salt diet is dumb. You probably won't die of fluid congestion in your lungs because, heck, you don't think you will and you know everything about you!" We have a discussion. We listen TO EACH OTHER. We are a team.

I understand that you are trying to provoke by poking at an area of identity. But I already know that I am a valued healer by my patients. They tell me every day. Could I be better? Of course. And I try to improve with each patient I see. If that makes me a doctor whose patients should be pitied, so be it. You can pity them, but I will not. I think that each and every one is a strong, amazing person.

<shrug> If you have suggestions about how to be a better doctor, I'm always interested to hear them.
As a resident, I really doubt you have than much input and influence.
 
Botti;
You do? You would be wrong. I understand why you might think it, though. In family medicine, there is an exception to most residential rules. Unlike other disciplines, FM believes that the physician-patient relationship is a primary part of the healing process. Therefore, my patients almost never see an 'overseeing' attending. They know that they are there. And I ask them if it is okay to bring attending physicians in, if there is something I run into that I need another set of eyes on. But my patients are my responsibility and if you ask them, *I* am their doctor. I help integrate their care; I make the home-visits; I follow them if they are hospitalized; I spend the time to teach them what their testing says and means to them; I hold their hand and catch their babies; I call the family together when end-of-life decisions need to be made. And every moment that they offer me that privilege, I am grateful.
 
Ever gotten told the bit, "Let sleeping dogs lie" but saw someone went and woke them anyway?

That other thread was meant for people to express their frustrations, probably vent some air out. You don't go telling your dad about something he did wrong when he's telling a story about how bad his work day went over the dinner table. This should be respected, unless you are a counselor or something looking to absolve people's issues.
 
Naisho;
That is a great point and exactly why I made this new thread after I was informed that the other was solely for "venting." I respect their purpose. My purpose is different, so I made a different thread! And welcome to it!
 
Thank you for the introduction. Anyway, I regret to inform you that it's very likely taking it to another thread is not going to resolve any issues. It'll just end up getting more people angered over the comments; what purpose are you hoping to seek from it?

It definitely isn't garnering a friendly atmosphere the way it's been going thus far...
 
Naisho;
Yeah, I noticed. <sad> <shrug> My purpose, though, as I stated above was to talk to people who want to discuss and bridge cultural gaps and better understand each other. I am interested in ideas about how to better exchange and work together. I want to know what the challenges are, how they are perceived by the Deaf, how they are perceived by Hearing, and how they can be made into opportunities for growth together. There is going to be disagreement in that discussion. THAT IS OKAY.
 
How about this: if we say (and I am not saying I believe it, but it does seem to be a common belief, as I have recently learned here)

1. Hearing people can not understand Deaf people because they cannot 'walk a mile in their shoes' and be Deaf.

2. And, likewise, Deaf people must not be able to understand Hearing people because they, too, can not 'walk a mile' and be Hearing.

Then, how can the cultures hope to work together for mutual betterment?
 
I know you are so passionate by learning about deaf/Deaf/Hoh/LD and any form of hearing losses people. Just hang out here and keep your eyes open, and less asking lots of WHY and try to catch up with many threads whoever they created about their experiences here AND let others to get to know you better by who you are. I know you ve made your introducation already but still. Like did you have any troubles by communicating with your partner who have hearing loss and/or any friends.
 
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