Wednesday Jokes..

[Awauphi]

If it tastes like chicken, keep on licking... If it tastes like trout,get the fuck out! ==========================================================
A man is walking past this house when a used condom comes flying out of the second story window and lands squarely on his head. Rather disgusted and absolutely furious, he goes up to the front door andstarts pounding on it. An elderly man opens it and asks him what caused him to knock so loudly.The passerby asks, "Who's in your upstairs room?" The elderly man replies, "I can't see how it's any of your business. Since, you must know, my daughter and intended son-in-law are upstairs. "The passerby hands him the used condom and says, "Well, I just wanted you to know that your intended grandchild just fell out of the window!"
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The average man's life consists of twenty years of having his mother ask him where he is going; forty years of having his wife ask the same question; and at the end, the mourners wondering too!
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What does a gay man and an ambulance have in common? They both get loaded from the rear and go Woo-Whoo!==========================================================
Things Men SHOULDN'T Say Out Loud In Victoria's Secret:

9) No Thanks. Just Sniffing.
8) I'll be in the dressing room going blind.
7) Mom will love this.
6) Oh the size won't matter. She's inflatable.
5) No need to wrap it up. I'll eat it here.
4) Will you model this for me???
3) The Miracle What??? This is better than world peace!!
2) Forty Five bucks?? You're just gonna end up naked ANYWAY!! And the number one thing that a man should never, ever say out loud in Victoria's Secret:
1) Oh, honey, you'll NEVER squeeze your ass into that!!

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A man took a young woman to an X-rated movie, purchased somere freshments and showed his date to her seat. Soon after the on screen action started, she put her hand on the man's lap. Looking over at him, she remarked: "I see this is getting you excited, too. But how come it's so cold?" "Because you're jerking off my popsicle!" the man replied.
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Orgasms, Demystified The Positive Orgasm: "Oh yes, Ohh yesss, OH YESSSS!" The Negative Orgasm: "Oh no, Ohh nooo, OH NOOO!" The Spiritual Orgasm: "Oh god, Ohh goddd, OH GODDD!" The Fake Orgasm: "Oh Richard, Ohh richard,Oh Reeeechaaaaard!!!!! The Indian Classical Orgasm : 'Nahi Nahiiii Nahii....' The Rock 'N Roll Orgasm : 'O Baby, O baby.... O baby' The Heavy Metal Orgasm : 'C'mon Honey, Go Johnny,Yeah Baby, DeeperHoney, Comin baby, EEEEaaahh, EEyyyeEAAh, Yeeeaah..' The Instrumental Orgasm : 'Ooonnnh, OooOOONNNNh, eeeEEEeAAAAaoOOhh' The Alternative Orgasm : 'O Shit O Fuck OShiiit O Fuck OooohShhhhhiiit...
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In school the lesson was about the word "contagious". The teacher asked the class if anyone could use the word contagious in a sentence. One girl raised her hand and said, "I had the chicken pox and I couldn't go outside and play because it was contagious." The teacher replied, "That was good. Can anyone else use contagious in a sentence?" One of the boys said, "I couldn't go over my friend's house because he had a cold and my mother said it was contagious." The teacher replied, "That's good. Anyone else?" Little Johnny said, "Last week when we had the snowstorm, my father took the snowblower and blew all the snow into my neighbor's driveway." The teacher was upset and said, "That was a horrible thing to do. And besides, it has nothing to do with the lesson." Johnny spoke up, "Yes it does. My father came in the house laughing, saying it will take the contagious to shovel herself out."
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What do you call a ninety-year-old man who can still masturbate? Miracle Whip. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's degree and the woman gets her master's.
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When everything seems to go wrong... just P.U.S.H.! When the job gets you down... just P.U.S.H.! When people don't react the way you think they should... justP.U.S.H.! When your money looks funny and the bills are due... just P.U.S.H.! When you want to curse them out for whatever the reason... justP.U.S.H.! When people just don't understand you... Just P.U.S.H.! P.U.S.H - Pray Until Something Happens!!!!!==========================================================
Blonde Moments! A blonde walked into up to an airport ticket counter and askedto buy a round trip ticket. "Where to?" Asked the smiling ticket agent. The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Duuuuuh, back here!"
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How many blondes does it take to play Hide and Seek?One. Why are only 2% of blondes touch-typists?The rest are hunt'n peckers. ==========================================================
One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the tiny town of Johnstown got up early and went to the local church. Before the services started, the towns people were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the Church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from Evil Incarnate. Soon everyone was evacuated from the Church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving . . . seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's Ultimate Enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said,"Don't you know who I am? "The man replied, "Yup, sure do." Satan asked, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?" "Nope, sure ain't," said the man. Satan was more than a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why not?" The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years!"


got this via email.. ha..

 

[TweetyBird]

good one!

 

[Awauphi]

10/13

An American couple were moving to Australia and had
successfully smuggled out their pet snake and pet
skunk. They were going through customs in Australia
and were about to be searched by Customs Officials.

They panicked and were wondering what to do when the
husband said "I know, I'll tie the snake around my
waste and say it is a belt and you can put the skunk
up your dress!"
The wife replied "Great! but what about the smell?"
The husband said "Oh well, if it dies, it dies!"
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A lady and her dog were enjoying a stroll in the park when her dog was
mounted from behind by a large Rottweiler. The Rot was really humping
away and the lady was frantically trying to break them up, to no avail.
A small boy walked up and stuck his finger in the Rots ass and the
action immediately stopped.
The lady was amazed. "How did you do that?" she asked.
The little boy said, "That's my dog and he can dish it out, but he can't
take it."
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The rescue squad was called to the home of an elderly couple for an
apparent heart attack the gentleman had. When the squad got there
is was too late and the man had died.
While consoling the wife one of the rescuers noticed that the bed
was a mess. He asked the lady what symptoms the man had suffered
and if anything had precipitated the heart attack.
The lady replied, "Well, we were in the bed making love and he started
moaning, groaning, thrashing about the bed, panting, and sweating. I
thought he was coming, but I guess he was going."
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The Queen of England was visiting one of Canada's top hospitals, and
during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient
was masturbating. "Oh my God", said the Queen, "that's disgraceful,
what is the meaning of this?" The Doctor leading the tour explains; "I
am
sorry your ladyship, this man has a very serious condition where the
testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that 5 times a
day, they'll explode, and he would die instantly." "Oh, I am sorry",
said the Queen.
On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a
patient a blow job. "Oh my God", said the Queen, "What's happening in
there?" The Doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."
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Two guys are in a locker room when,
one guy notices the other guy has a cork in his butt.
He says, "How'd you get a cork in your butt?"
The other guy says,
"I was walking along the beach and I tripped over a lamp.
There was a puff of smoke,
and then a red man in a turban came oozing out.
He said, 'I am Tonto, Indian Genie.
I can grant-um you one wish.'
And I said,
"No shit "
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I pulled into a town I couldn't believe still existed in the nineties.
A dusty, dirt road, a little old wooden store that actually said
"General Store", and that was it.
There was a little old man sitting in front of the store in a rocking
chair...
I said to him, "What do you folks do around here?"
He said, "We don't do nothin' but hunt n' f*ck."
I said, "What do you hunt?"
He said, "Somethin' to f*ck."
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An old man goes to a Doctor for a sperm count test. The Doctor said
that he was to old to want a sperm count test. The old man kept
insisting until the doctor agreed to give him one.
The doctor gave the old man a vile to take home and bring back the next
day. The next day, the old man doesn't show up. Another day passes, and
no show. A week passes and finally the old man came back with the vile.
The doctor asks "what happened?" The old man says "Well doctor, I tried
it with my right hand, and I couldn't. I tried it with my left hand,
and I couldn't. My wife tried it with her right hand, she couldn't. She tried
it with her left hand, she couldn't. She tried it with her mouth, she
couldn't. Hell, she even tried it without her teeth, and she couldn't.
Doctor asks, "You couldn't ejaculate?".
Old man says, "No, we couldn't get the bottle opened!"
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A man says to his wife, "You never tell me when you have an orgasm."
The wife replies, "You're never home."
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CHINESE FOR DUMMIES:

Are you harboring a fugitive? Hu Yu Hai Ding?
See me A.S.A.P. Kum Hia Nao
Stupid Man Dum Gai
Small Horse Tai Ni Po Ni
Your price is too high! No Bai Dam Ting!!
Did you go to the beach? Wai Yu So Tan?
I bumped into a coffee table Ai Bang Mai Ni
I think you need a facelift Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here Wai So Dim?
Has your flight been delayed? Hao Long Wei Ting?
That was an unauthorized execution Lin Ching
I thought you were on a diet Wai Yu Mun Ching?
This is a tow away zone No Pah King
Know the lyrics to the Macarena? Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?
You are not very bright Yu So Dum
I got this for free Ai No Pei
I am not guilty Wai Hang Mi?
Please, stay a while longer Wai Go Nao?
Our meeting was for next week Wai Yu Kum Nao
They have arrived Hia Dei Kum
Stay out of sight Lei Lo
He's cleaning his automobile Wa Shing Ka
Your body odor is offensive Hu Man Go!
Pew! does this bathroom stink! Hu Flung Dung?

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Blonde Moments!

A blonde at a party, was telling her friend that she'd gone off men for
life. "They lie, they cheat, and they're just no good," she moaned.
"From now on when I want sex, I'm going to use my tried and tested
plastic companion," she said.
"What happens when the batteries run out?" asked her friend. "That's
simple," replied the blonde. "I'll just fake an orgasm as usual!"
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An LPN working at her nurse's station sees a doctor coming towards her
from the other end of the corridor. As he gets closer she notices that
there is something odd or different about the doctor. Finally when he
reaches the nurse's station she realizes that there is something
strange on his ear. Out of curiosity she finally asks, "Doctor, What
is that behind your ear?"
He pulls it off, looks at it and responds, "Shit, it's a rectal
thermometer, some asshole's got my pen."
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The bartender Fred was fed up with penis boasting from the regulars. So
to put an end to all the boasting, Fred says, "whip 'em out". Fred
pulls a yard stick from under the bar, at the same time a gay guy walks into
the bar. Fred ask the man if there is something that he can get for
him. The gay guy replies "I was going to just have a beer, but I'll check
your buffet first".

got this via email..