Too Busy?

AquaBlue

AquaBlue

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I am about to write a short story and I would love to read your opinions. I open my WP, and just typed away. I feel that it is a bit too busy. What do you think? Remember, be constructive. And remember, that I typed this in one passing so there will be errors. Thanks!

Bus 382

If I were to crack an egg on the sidewalk, Patti thought, it would fry on contact. The paper foretold more smoldering heat throughout the state and Patti’s dry lips crooked as a bead trickled down the side of her face. Oh my lord, she muttered to herself, will this unbearable spell ever end?

Patti felt like a statue, or more apt, a useless scarecrow with listless ravens atop her hey stuffed sleeves, as she stood by the bus bench. The two regulars sitting on the bench, as usual, spoke to each other in an undertone so as to deafen their voices, I am not at all allow to listen to their precious words…hmm, not me, not the phantom rider of bus 382, Patti’s thoughts raced.

Patti shifted her eyes with concern. Her boss was a stringent and verbally harsh tamer of subordinates and tardiness meant a battery of coarse expletives. Taking one very deep breath she mustered the courage to ask the two plank- perched lilies the time- for the bus seemed unusually late this morning. The lady furthest from her ceased her whispering jabber and looked away while the other one, a thin face of rigid stone, forced a faint smile before meeting Patti’s bleary look and answered, It’s a quarter past twelve, she said. Patti returned a civil smile as she relaxed her stiffness for the bus, to her relief, was not late at all. Maybe it was the heat that brought on her anxiety; thank the lord, she sighed.
Click to expand...


That's all did. I might finish it after your comments. Thanks again. :P
 
"The paper foretold more smoldering heat throughout the state and Patti’s dry lips crooked as a bead trickled down the side of her face."

several grammatical corrections:

1. place the word "of" between "foretold" and "more."

2. place a period after the word "state." omit the word "and."

3. insert the words "of sweat" after "bead" and before "trickled."

the final sentence should read, "the paper foretold of more smoldering heat throughout the state. patti's dry lips crooked as a bead of sweat trickled down the side of her face."
 
I can do both actually...I can also add a common but that'll distract. We are both correct. Thanks for your input.
 
"Patti felt like a statue, or more apt, a useless scarecrow with listless ravens atop her hey stuffed sleeves, as she stood by the bus bench."

in this sentence, i would place a double dash between the words "statue," "or," "apt" and "a." change "hey" to "hay" and omit the comma following the word "sleeves."

the final sentence would read, "patti felt like a statue -- or more apt -- a usless scarecrow with listless ravens atop her hay stuffed sleeves as she stood by the bus bench.
 
Boy thanks a million. Remember I typed it fast. I ALWAYS get hey and hay wrong. Funny.

I will adjust every correction you stated on my WP. Thanks again my friend. :)
 
"The two regulars sitting on the bench, as usual, spoke to each other in an undertone so as to deafen their voices, I am not at all allow to listen to their precious words…hmm, not me, not the phantom rider of bus 382, Patti’s thoughts raced."

in this sentence, omit the comma after the word "bench" and "usual." place a period after the word "voices" and the number 382. add an "ed" to the word "allow." insert the words "patti's thoughts raced" after the word "voices." place a period after the word "hmmm" and "me." place open and closed quotes around the sentence, "i am not at all allowed to listen to their precious words...hmmm. not me. not the phantom rider of bus 382."

the final sentence should read, "the two regulars sitting on the bench as usual spoke to each other in an undertone so as to deafen their voices. patti's thoughts raced: 'i am not at all allowed to listen to their precious words...hmmm. not me. not the phantom rider of bus 382'."
 
I'm not an editor..don't know much about grammer, spelling or business but it did sound really good. :D
 
aquablue,

i'm glad you're not offended by my corrections. i don't mean to tear your writing apart, but i thought you'd like to know what grammatical changes can be made. smile.
 
"The lady furthest from her ceased her whispering jabber and looked away while the other one, a thin face of rigid stone, forced a faint smile before meeting Patti’s bleary look and answered, It’s a quarter past twelve, she said. Patti returned a civil smile as she relaxed her stiffness for the bus, to her relief, was not late at all. Maybe it was the heat that brought on her anxiety; thank the lord, she sighed."

this sentence might be better off if written as, "the lady furthest from her ceased her whispering jabber and looked away while the other one -- a thin face of rigid stone -- forced a faint smile before meeting patti's bleary look and answered, 'it's quarter past 12.' (adding "she said" is redundant) patti returned a civil smile as she relaxed. to her relief the bus was not late at all. maybe it was the heat that brought on her anxiety. she sighed and thought to herself, 'thank the Lord.'"
 
Better?

If I were to crack an egg on the sidewalk, Patti thought, it would fry on contact. The paper foretold of more smoldering heat throughout the state; Patti’s dry lips crooked as a bead of sweat trickled down the side of her face. Oh my lord, she muttered to herself, will this unbearable spell ever end?

Patti felt like a statue -- or more apt -- a useless scarecrow with listless ravens atop her hay stuffed sleeves, as she stood by the bus bench. The two regulars sitting on the bench as usual, spoke to each other in an undertone so as to deafen their voices. I am not at all allow to listen to their precious words…hmm, not me, not the phantom rider of bus 382, Patti’s thoughts raced.

Patti shifted her eyes with concern. Her boss was a stringent and verbally harsh tamer of subordinates and tardiness meant a battery of coarse expletives. Taking one very deep breath she mustered the courage to ask the two plank- perched lilies the time- for the bus seemed unusually late this morning. The lady furthest from her ceased her whispering jabber and looked away while the other one, a thin face of rigid stone, forced a faint smile before meeting Patti’s bleary look and answered, It’s a quarter past twelve, she said. Patti returned a civil smile as she relaxed her stiffness for the bus, to her relief, was not late at all. Maybe it was the heat that brought on her anxiety; thank the lord, she sighed.
Click to expand...
 
that looks great, but i overlooked one grammatical error in this sentence: "If I were to crack an egg on the sidewalk, Patti thought, it would fry on contact."

it should read: patti thought, "'if i were to crack an egg on the sidewalk, it would fry on contact.'"

:)
 
i noticed you didn't implement alot of the grammatical changes i suggested. are you still working on that? just wondering.
 
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