sharlie
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The preacher's, Sunday sermon was, 'Forgive Your Enemies'. Toward the
end of the service, he asked his congregation, "How many of you have
forgiven their enemies?" About half held up their hands. He then
repeated his question.
All responded, except one small elderly lady.
"Mrs. Jones," inquired the preacher, "are you not willing to forgive
your enemies?"
"I don't have any," she replied, smiling sweetly.
"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-three," she replied.
"Oh Mrs. Jones, what a blessing and a lesson to us all you are! Would
you please come down in front of this congregation and tell us all how a
person can live ninety-three years and not have an enemy in the world?"
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the
congregation, and said:
"I outlived the bitches."
Ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back or
that you could crawl into a hole?
Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did.
FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and
asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a b **w job?" I
turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband
didn't say a word...he knew better.
SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was
unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for
several minutes, I was approached by one of the good looking gentlemen
who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without
thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's
balls."
THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a
variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the
boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm
just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned, and turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my
sister has never let me forget.
FOURTH TESTIMONY:
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release
some pent up energy and run amok. I was finally able to grab hold of
her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be
punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice
just as threatening,
"If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you
kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!". The silence was deafening after
this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were
doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank
with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed
behind me, were screams of laughter.
FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three year
old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him
constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between
errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my
taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven month
old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not
asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he
said "No".
I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't
have any clothes with me.".
Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"
"No," he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was
getting worse. So, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an
accident?". This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over
and spread his cheeks and yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30
people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled
up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by
thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
LAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very
embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think
before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get
any... a true story. We had a female news anchor that, the day after it
was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and
asked "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not
only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were
laughing so hard!
~sharlie~
end of the service, he asked his congregation, "How many of you have
forgiven their enemies?" About half held up their hands. He then
repeated his question.
All responded, except one small elderly lady.
"Mrs. Jones," inquired the preacher, "are you not willing to forgive
your enemies?"
"I don't have any," she replied, smiling sweetly.
"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-three," she replied.
"Oh Mrs. Jones, what a blessing and a lesson to us all you are! Would
you please come down in front of this congregation and tell us all how a
person can live ninety-three years and not have an enemy in the world?"
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the
congregation, and said:
"I outlived the bitches."
Ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back or
that you could crawl into a hole?
Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did.
FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and
asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a b **w job?" I
turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband
didn't say a word...he knew better.
SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was
unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for
several minutes, I was approached by one of the good looking gentlemen
who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without
thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's
balls."
THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a
variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the
boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm
just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned, and turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my
sister has never let me forget.
FOURTH TESTIMONY:
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release
some pent up energy and run amok. I was finally able to grab hold of
her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be
punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice
just as threatening,
"If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you
kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!". The silence was deafening after
this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were
doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank
with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed
behind me, were screams of laughter.
FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three year
old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him
constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between
errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my
taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven month
old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not
asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he
said "No".
I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't
have any clothes with me.".
Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"
"No," he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was
getting worse. So, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an
accident?". This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over
and spread his cheeks and yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30
people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled
up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by
thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
LAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very
embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think
before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get
any... a true story. We had a female news anchor that, the day after it
was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and
asked "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not
only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were
laughing so hard!
~sharlie~
