Awauphi
Active Member
- Joined
- Apr 29, 2003
- Messages
- 10,225
- Reaction score
- 3
Did you hear about the new course you can take at school?
Yes, Intercourse you go between periods and you are expected to
come.
========================================================
A bartender was getting ready to close for the night when a
robber with
a ski mask burst in and pulls a gun. He yells to the bartender,
"This
is a stick-up! Put all your dough in this bag!"
The scared bartender pleads, "Don't shoot, please! I'll do as
you say!"
The robber yells, "Shut up and empty the cash register!"
The bartender says, "Okay, okay! Just don't shoot; I have a wife
and
kids! I'll do whatever you say!"
The crook takes the money then puts the gun to the bartender's
head and
says, Alright, now suck my cock!"
"Anything!" cries the bartender, "Just don't shoot!"
The bartender starts to blow the crook. As the crook gets
excited, he
drops the gun.
The bartender sees the gun on the floor, picks it up, hands it
back to
the crook and yells, "Hold the gun, damn it!" One of my friends
might
walk in!"
===================================================
A salesman, who is getting ready for his next trip, asks his
wife to include a condom in his suitcase. His wife instantly
asks "Why?"
He replies, "Just a reminder if I want to try something
different."
She grabs a bar of soap, drops it into one of his socks, swings
it in the air, and WHAM!!! swings it up between his legs.
After much pain, and gathering his composure, he asks, "Why
the hell did you do that?"
She replies, "Just a reminder if you want to try something
different."
===============================================
Once upon a time there was a nonconforming sparrow who decided
not to
fly
south for the winter. However, soon the weather turned so cold
that he
reluctantly started to fly south.
In a short time ice began to form on his wings and he fell to
earth in
a
barnyard, almost frozen. A cow passed by and crapped on the
little
sparrow.
The sparrow thought it was the end. But the manure warmed him
and
defrosted
his wings.
Warm and happy, able to breathe, he started to sing.
Just then a large cat came by and, hearing the chirping,
investigated
the
sounds.
The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird, and
promptly
ate
him.
THE MORAL OF THE STORY
1) Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy.
2) Everyone who gets you out of the shit is not necessarily your
friend.
3) And if you're warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your
mouth
shut.
======================================================
Once upon a time there was a female brain cell who accidentally
ended
up in
a man's head. She looked around nervously but it was all empty
and quiet.
"Hello?" she cried, but no answer.
"Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no
answer.
Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and
yelled
at the
top of her voice,
"HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"
Then she heard a very faint voice from far, far away...
"We're down here!"
=============================================
An ugly man walks into his local pub with a big grin on his
face. "What
are you so happy about?" asks the barman. "Well, I'll tell you,"
replies
the ugly man. "You know I live by the railway, well on my way
home
last
night I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the
films.
I,
of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place.
Anyway
to cut a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all
night,
all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her
on
top!" "Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky
sonofabitch. Was
she pretty?" "Dunno... never found the head!"
=================================================
ANYBODY LOOKING TO RESIGN CAN USE THIS LETTER:
Dear Sir,
This will confirm my fucking resignation with your fucked
up company. I have accepted a lucrative position with a
company where being a bitch is not a job prerequisite for
managerial
skills.
I am looking forward to my new position and the challenges
that await me, unlike when I worked with you assholes.
My last day of work will be when you realize I came in
late last night and cleaned out my desk, including all the
supplies I
requested and received last week.
Hopefully, your dumb ass can figure out all the shit I've
left undone for the new team, as well as the ongoing projects
I never completed.
Once the company figures out that you don't know a damn
thing, they will not only fire my replacement, but your
ass as well.
Please feel free not to say a damn thing to me should you
see me on the street, unless you want your ass kicked.
My experience with this fucking company has been very
unrewarding. I
was
only rewarded by your secretary. She is a good fucker. She
screwed me
on
your desk when you were away. She told me that you screwed her
every
time she appealed for salary increment. She enjoyed sex with me
but not
with a corpse like you. In short, you are not only a fucker but
a poor
fucker. Anyway, I appreciate having had the opportunity to use
you as a
stepping stone to a better future.
I wish you and the organization not a fucking thing,
bitch-ass motherfuckers.
Yours sincerely,
======================================================================
A woman went to her psychiatrist because she was
having severe problems with her sex life. The
psychiatrist asked her many questions but did not
seem to be getting a clear picture of her problems.
Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your husband's
face while you are having sex?"
"Well, yes, I did once."
"Well, how did he look?"
"Very angry"
"Well, that's very interesting, we must look into this
further, how did it occur that you saw his face that time?"
"He was looking through the window at me."
=======================================
Sally, a blonde, goes on her first camping trip. Her husband,
who
was a Scout Leader, was sick so she volunteered to take over for
him one weekend. She got everyone together and assigned
different
duties to each scout.
Gabby was responsible for the food supplies, Mike would be the
cook this trip, Johnnie was responsible for their maps and
making
up a time schedule, Tim was to decide on their events, and to
fit
them into Johnnie's schedule and Sally would test all their
equipment before setting out.
They arrived at Big Moose Mountain and everyone was excited.
They
arrived right on schedule and were getting ready for their first
event - hiking up the mountain. But first, they wanted to get
something to eat. So Sally asked Mike if he would prepare the
meal and, of course, Mike said he would.
About 10 minutes later he came back and told Sally, "I can't
make
the supper. I can't light a fire with the matches you brought."
Sally replied, "I don't understand! Those matches should be
perfectly fine. I tested them all just before we left."
================================================
Jim and I were talking the other day at work.
Jim said, "My wife gave me religion."
"Really?" I replied.
"Yes. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."
================================================
On the night of their honeymoon, a newlywed couple had an
unfortunate
accident, resulting in the amputation of the groom's left foot.
Unable
to
control her grief, the bride called her mother from the
hospital.
"Mother", she sobbed, "My husband has only one foot."
The mother, trying to console her daughter said, "That's alright
dear,
your
father has only six inches."
got this via email..
Yes, Intercourse you go between periods and you are expected to
come.
========================================================
A bartender was getting ready to close for the night when a
robber with
a ski mask burst in and pulls a gun. He yells to the bartender,
"This
is a stick-up! Put all your dough in this bag!"
The scared bartender pleads, "Don't shoot, please! I'll do as
you say!"
The robber yells, "Shut up and empty the cash register!"
The bartender says, "Okay, okay! Just don't shoot; I have a wife
and
kids! I'll do whatever you say!"
The crook takes the money then puts the gun to the bartender's
head and
says, Alright, now suck my cock!"
"Anything!" cries the bartender, "Just don't shoot!"
The bartender starts to blow the crook. As the crook gets
excited, he
drops the gun.
The bartender sees the gun on the floor, picks it up, hands it
back to
the crook and yells, "Hold the gun, damn it!" One of my friends
might
walk in!"
===================================================
A salesman, who is getting ready for his next trip, asks his
wife to include a condom in his suitcase. His wife instantly
asks "Why?"
He replies, "Just a reminder if I want to try something
different."
She grabs a bar of soap, drops it into one of his socks, swings
it in the air, and WHAM!!! swings it up between his legs.
After much pain, and gathering his composure, he asks, "Why
the hell did you do that?"
She replies, "Just a reminder if you want to try something
different."
===============================================
Once upon a time there was a nonconforming sparrow who decided
not to
fly
south for the winter. However, soon the weather turned so cold
that he
reluctantly started to fly south.
In a short time ice began to form on his wings and he fell to
earth in
a
barnyard, almost frozen. A cow passed by and crapped on the
little
sparrow.
The sparrow thought it was the end. But the manure warmed him
and
defrosted
his wings.
Warm and happy, able to breathe, he started to sing.
Just then a large cat came by and, hearing the chirping,
investigated
the
sounds.
The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird, and
promptly
ate
him.
THE MORAL OF THE STORY
1) Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy.
2) Everyone who gets you out of the shit is not necessarily your
friend.
3) And if you're warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your
mouth
shut.
======================================================
Once upon a time there was a female brain cell who accidentally
ended
up in
a man's head. She looked around nervously but it was all empty
and quiet.
"Hello?" she cried, but no answer.
"Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no
answer.
Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and
yelled
at the
top of her voice,
"HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"
Then she heard a very faint voice from far, far away...
"We're down here!"
=============================================
An ugly man walks into his local pub with a big grin on his
face. "What
are you so happy about?" asks the barman. "Well, I'll tell you,"
replies
the ugly man. "You know I live by the railway, well on my way
home
last
night I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the
films.
I,
of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place.
Anyway
to cut a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all
night,
all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her
on
top!" "Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky
sonofabitch. Was
she pretty?" "Dunno... never found the head!"
=================================================
ANYBODY LOOKING TO RESIGN CAN USE THIS LETTER:
Dear Sir,
This will confirm my fucking resignation with your fucked
up company. I have accepted a lucrative position with a
company where being a bitch is not a job prerequisite for
managerial
skills.
I am looking forward to my new position and the challenges
that await me, unlike when I worked with you assholes.
My last day of work will be when you realize I came in
late last night and cleaned out my desk, including all the
supplies I
requested and received last week.
Hopefully, your dumb ass can figure out all the shit I've
left undone for the new team, as well as the ongoing projects
I never completed.
Once the company figures out that you don't know a damn
thing, they will not only fire my replacement, but your
ass as well.
Please feel free not to say a damn thing to me should you
see me on the street, unless you want your ass kicked.
My experience with this fucking company has been very
unrewarding. I
was
only rewarded by your secretary. She is a good fucker. She
screwed me
on
your desk when you were away. She told me that you screwed her
every
time she appealed for salary increment. She enjoyed sex with me
but not
with a corpse like you. In short, you are not only a fucker but
a poor
fucker. Anyway, I appreciate having had the opportunity to use
you as a
stepping stone to a better future.
I wish you and the organization not a fucking thing,
bitch-ass motherfuckers.
Yours sincerely,
======================================================================
A woman went to her psychiatrist because she was
having severe problems with her sex life. The
psychiatrist asked her many questions but did not
seem to be getting a clear picture of her problems.
Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your husband's
face while you are having sex?"
"Well, yes, I did once."
"Well, how did he look?"
"Very angry"
"Well, that's very interesting, we must look into this
further, how did it occur that you saw his face that time?"
"He was looking through the window at me."
=======================================
Sally, a blonde, goes on her first camping trip. Her husband,
who
was a Scout Leader, was sick so she volunteered to take over for
him one weekend. She got everyone together and assigned
different
duties to each scout.
Gabby was responsible for the food supplies, Mike would be the
cook this trip, Johnnie was responsible for their maps and
making
up a time schedule, Tim was to decide on their events, and to
fit
them into Johnnie's schedule and Sally would test all their
equipment before setting out.
They arrived at Big Moose Mountain and everyone was excited.
They
arrived right on schedule and were getting ready for their first
event - hiking up the mountain. But first, they wanted to get
something to eat. So Sally asked Mike if he would prepare the
meal and, of course, Mike said he would.
About 10 minutes later he came back and told Sally, "I can't
make
the supper. I can't light a fire with the matches you brought."
Sally replied, "I don't understand! Those matches should be
perfectly fine. I tested them all just before we left."
================================================
Jim and I were talking the other day at work.
Jim said, "My wife gave me religion."
"Really?" I replied.
"Yes. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."
================================================
On the night of their honeymoon, a newlywed couple had an
unfortunate
accident, resulting in the amputation of the groom's left foot.
Unable
to
control her grief, the bride called her mother from the
hospital.
"Mother", she sobbed, "My husband has only one foot."
The mother, trying to console her daughter said, "That's alright
dear,
your
father has only six inches."
got this via email..