Hilarious Jokes and Stories

Marj

Marj

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19 Fun Things to Do In The Public Bathroom Mark as unread


1. Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your
neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"

2. Say "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that."

3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence
with a bodily function noise

4. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."

5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh shoot! My glass eye!"

6. Say "Darn, this water is cold."

7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a
cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place and sigh
relaxingly.

8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"

9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."

10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it
erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while
yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!!"

11. Say, "Interesting....more sinkers than floaters"

12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of
toilet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor.
Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?

13. Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!

14. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot"

15. Say, "Darn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small.
Now what am I gonna do?"

16. Play a well known drum cadence over and oven again on your
butt cheeks

17. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your
"Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to
the adjacent stall.

18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it
so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"

19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing
"Born Free."
 
How to say "I Love You" in 17 languages

English ------------------------------------I Love You
Spanish ------------------------------Te Amo
French --------------------------------Je T'aime
German ------------------------------lch Liebe Dich
Japanese ----------------------------------Ai Shite Imasu
Italian -----------------------------------------Ti Amo
Chinese -----------------------------------------Wo Ai Ni
Swedish ------------------------------------Jag

Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Tennessee, Mississippi, North and South Carolina, West Virginia, Kentucky & parts of Florida:

"Nice ass, get in the truck"
 
Man Falls Asleep At Church

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the
local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my
husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very
embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you.
I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will
motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a
good poke in the leg."

In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing
this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the
ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the
hatpin.

"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr.
Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is
your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards
Mrs. Jones.

"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr.
Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not
notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few
motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her
husband with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore
him his 99th son?"

Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that
goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half
and shove it up your ass!"

"Amen," replied the congregation.


__________________
 
Asian Language Jokes

Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

Panties not best thing on earth! but next to best thing on earth.

War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
 
A Mean Drunk


Two men are sitting drinking at a bar at the top of the Empire
State Building, when the first man turns to the other and says
"You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top
of this building, the winds around the building are so intense
that by the time you fall to the 10th floor, they carry you
around the building and back into a window". The bartender just
shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.

The second guy says, "What, are you nuts? There's no way that
could happen. "No, its true," the first man says. "Let me prove
it to you." He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and
plummets toward the street below. As he nears the 10th floor,
the high winds whip him around the building and back into the
10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.

He meets the second man, who looks quite astonished. "You know,
I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time
fluke." "No, I'll prove it again," says the first man as he
jumps again. Just as he is hurtling toward the street, the 10th
floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the
window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it.

"Well, why not." the second guy says, "It works. I'll try it."
He jumps over the balcony, plunges downward passes the 11th,
10th 9th, 8th, floors. . . . . and hits the sidewalk with a
SPLAT.

Back upstairs the bartender turns to the other drinker and says,
"You know Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk".
 
25 AUSTIN POWERS CHAT UP LINES

1) I wish you were a door so I could bang you all day long.


2) (Lick finger and wipe on her shirt)
Let's get you out of those wet clothes.


3) Nice legs... What time do they open?


4) Do you work for the post office? I thought I saw you
checking out
my package.


5) You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?


6) Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?


7) I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the
only one
talking to you.


8) I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted
Bed thrasher,
have you seen one?


9) I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on
earth
tonight.


10) Wanna play army? I'll lie down and you can blow the hell
outta me.


11) I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.


12) You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty
is only a
light switch away.


13) You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.


14) I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and
even farther
for that thing you do with your tongue.


15) If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be
you by
morning.


16) (Look down at your crotch) Well, it's not just going to
suck
itself.


17) You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.


18) You, Me, Whipped cream and Handcuffs. Any questions?


19) Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my
bedroom
floor.


20) My name is (name)...remember that, you'll be screaming
it later.


21) Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk
by again?


22) Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk
to you.


23) I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have
you been
drinking?


24) Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I?


25) Do you wash your pants in Mr Sheen because I can see
myself in
them?
 
Sex Education
Johnny was 8 years old and like other boys his age rather
curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about 'courting' from
the older boys, and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his question to his mother, who became rather flustered.

Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide
behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her
boyfriend. This he did. The following morning, Johnny described
EVERYTHING to his mother. "Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked
for a while, then he started kissing and hugging herI figured
'Sis must be getting sickbecause her face started looking funny.
He must have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her
blouse to feel her heart, just > the way the doctor would.
Except he's not as smart as the docotr because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart. I guess he was getting sick too,
because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all
out of breath. His other hand must have been cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time 'Sis' got worse and began to
moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down toward the end of the couch. This was when her fever started. I knew it was a fever, because Sis told him she felt really hot. Finally, I found out what was making them so sick -- a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about 10 inches long, honest, anyway he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. When Sis saw it, she got really scared -- her eyes got big, and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she's ever seen; I should tell her about the ones down at the lake by our house! Anyway, Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a sudden she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting again. Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor-lock on it and he helped by lying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough, they killed the eel. I knew because it just hung there, limp, and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went back to courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. By golly, the eel wasn't dead! It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats -- they have nine lives or
something. This time, Sis jumped up and tried to kill it by sitting on it. After about a 35 minute struggle, they finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead, because I saw Sis's boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet.
 
Lol, which one is best?? I like my creations but I prefer the Sex Education :)
 
Bottom Bumper Stickers

1. I Tina Yothers
2. D.A.R.E. To Keep Cops Off Payola
3. Marines - Kill All That You Can Kill
4. Visualize World Suicide
5. Don't Like My Driving? Dial
1-800-POUR-ME-A-BIG-FROTHY-MUG-OF-FECES.
6. Klingons Make Me Violently Horny.
7. My Other Car is a Sex Slave Wearing a Saddle
8. Spoiled Sissy On Board
9. My Other Car Also Compensates For My Miniscule Penis
10. Honk If Vinyl Seats Give You Ass Sweats!
11. I Brake For Peyote-Induced Talking Coyotes
12. Keep On Truckin' Yuppie Scum!
13. Albino Toddler: The Other White Meat
14. Honk if You Love Lawsuits!
15. I'm the NRA - And I Wipe!
16. America: Love It or Bomb Its Mid-Western Bureaucratic
Outposts
17. Honk if You're Trapped in a Loveless Marriage
18. Will Blow For Work, Will Work For Blow.
19. Cancer Makes The Heart Grow Fonder.
20. My Child Was Inmate of The Month at The Spiro T. Agnew
Maximum Security Federal Corrections Facility
21. Inflammatory Political Rhetoric!
22. Never Underestimate The Power Of A Hot Steamin' Dump!
23. A Bad Day of Cruising Hookers Beats a Good Day of Work
24. Jesus Loves You (Unless You're a Jew or a Towelhead)
25. I Brake for Topless Carwashes.
26. Drive American, or Bend Over, Boy!
27. I Met My Bawdy Wench at the Williamsburg Renaissance Faire!
28. Nevada is for Whoremongers.
29. If The Good Lord Had Wanted Me To Do The Dishes, He Wouldn't
Have Given Me This Big Floppy Ass To Sit On!
30. Lose Teeth Now! Ask Me How!
31. Honk If My Passive-Aggressive Driving Style Enrages You
32. If You Can Smell Human Flesh Rotting In My Trunk, You're
Driving Too Damn Close!
33. Follow Me For Great Barium Enemas!
34. Florida Ballot Counters Do It Over And Over And Over...
35. When Fisting Is Outlawed, Only Outlaws Will Have Fists.
36. Vegans Do It Sans Meatus
37. Boy Band On Board.
38. Unless You're My Girlfriend's Lavishly Lubricated Finger
Poised To Plunge In And Tickle My Prostate At The Moment Of
Climax... GET OFF MY ASS!
39. Driver Carries Less Than One Ounce Crystal Meth-Amphetamine.
40. Will Work For Stock Options.
41. This Car Protected By Satanic Voodoo Curse.
42. Don't Mess With Texas. That Goes DOUBLE For Yankees and
Mexicans.
43. Honk if You Love Jesus - Fart if You Love Chalupas!
44. If It's Too Loud, You're Just Unable to Appreciate the
Hideously Distorted Noise Pounding From My Cheap Speakers
45. Thinking Globally And Acting Locally Is For Pussies.
46. If the Good Lord Wanted Us To Eat Salad, He Woulda Made
Plants Bleed.
47. USA - We Got the Nukes!
48. Have You Hugged Your Debutante Crack Whore Today?
49. And on the 8th Day, God Abused Sacramental Wine
50. If This Van's a' Rockin' - I'm Probably Deflowering Your
Teenager
 
Computer Dx

One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor." His friend offered, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker an cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10."

Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.

Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.

The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message: "Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get
better."
 
There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while
he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else. So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him.

He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except -- " and he stopped.

"Except what?" the man asked.

"Nothing, nothing."

"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"

"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the
'voodoo dick.'"

"So what's up with this voodoo dick?" he asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box, carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this
shop!"

The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door." The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!" The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiet once more.

"I'll take it!" said the businessman.

The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo dick, my pussy." He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone.

After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch
and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo.

On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.

Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been
drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing. The officer looked at her for a second,
and then said "Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!"

Can you guess what happened next? :D :rofl:
 
One day there was a hippie who got on a bus. The bus was very
crowded and the man took a seat next to a young nun. He was very attracted to the nun, because she was surprisingly beautiful.
After getting his courage up, he finally said to the nun "Will you have sex with me?" The nun, disgusted, told the bus driver to stop the bus and she got off. The man was very disappointed and he moved up to the front of the bus to wait for his stop. Seeing that the young hippie was upset, the bus driver decided to help him out. He said to the young man, "I know that nun. Every night, she goes to the grave yard at 9:00 to pray at the grave of her friend. If you go there and pretend that you are Jesus, there is no way she would turn down God's request. Just
tell her that you are Jesus and ask her to have sex with you."
This gave the hippie great hope.

That night, he went to the graveyard, and sure enough, there was the nun. As she kneeled down, he decided to make his move. He walked over to her, dressed in a white robe with a hood and said to the nun "I am Jesus Christ, will you have sex with me?" Now, of course the nun could not deny the power of God, so she agreed. "I just have one request," said the nun, "it has to be anal sex, so I can remain a virgin and continue in my
sisterhood." The disguised hippie agreed and the two had sex.

When they were done, the man thought that it would be funny to
reveal his identity to the nun. He took off his robe, revealing a tye dyed shirt, ripped jeans, and hemp nacklaces. "HA HA!! I'm not Jesus, I'm the hippie!" He exclaimed.

Much to the young man's surprise, the nun took off her habit,
revealing a gray shirt and gray pants. Laughing, she yelled "HA
HA! I'm not the nun, I'm the bus driver!"

:naughty:
 
Originally posted by Marj
Lol, which one is best?? I like my creations but I prefer the Sex Education :)
Click to expand...

Man Falls Asleep At Church <-- This one is the funniest one on this thread so far. :mrgreen:
 
Re: VooDoo Dick

Oh my!!! That's so HILARIOUS!! :laugh2: :laugh2: :laugh2: I gotta see when the voodoo dick aims for that policeman's ass!! :rofl:
 
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