Help for a friend....

Dixie

Dixie

Farting Snowflakes
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This isn't urgent, but it does concern me a tad. First of all this is for an old friend of mine whom we have lost contact with each other but not truly. But anyway she has just had her second child and I was told today that she is town for a while battling PPD. I noticed she was not her usual peppy self this last Sunday, she looked like she had more than just a few sleepless nights, she looked rough. I wanted to say something but did not want to embarrass her. Then of course this afternoon another friend of mine which we share disclosed to me that she is in fact dealing with PPD. Now I dealt with it myself and I understand what she is going through but she feels ashamed to admit it out right. Whats the best way to approach her without making her feel like her right to privacy was disclosed. I am only concerned because she lifted me up countless times when I was younger and I just want to be a good friend and return the favor.

I could have called her earlier in the week but she's since moved to her in-laws house which I feel funny calling to their house asking for her. I hope she is still here this weekend - I just want to talk to her to get an idea of her mental state and see how she's faring. I just want her to be alright.

Note to the mods - if you feel this is not the appropriate section to have this thread then please move it where ever it should go, no offense will be taken.
 
Hi, Dixie: I don't have kids and so haven't had PPD. But my sister did with each of her 3 kids, and she had a very hard time for years.

I think you should call your friend but not mention PPD. Just ask her how she is doing, how the baby is, how she is adjusting to motherhood and little sleep, etc. If she doesn't want to talk - because she is in her in-laws or whatever reason - she will let you know. I would also send her cards and/or a care package just to let her know you are thinking about her. No need to say anything about PPD. If she wants to talk to you more about it or her struggles, she will. Being available to her without judgment is the best you can do.

I found this information about helping friends with PPD:

- US Department of Health & Human Services: Depression During and After Pregnancy: A Resource for Women, Their Families, and Friends

As a Friend or Family Member:

* Ask the mother how you can help, including baby-sitting and house cleaning.
* Let her know you are there for her, even if she doesn’t like talking.
* Understand that the father may also feel stressed from the changes that come with being a new father or by a partner who is suffering from Perinatal Depression.

- From PostPartum-Health: How to Help a Woman with PPD

* Make sure she gets the help she needs. It is imperative that a woman with postpartum depression receives psychiatric help. If she hasn't already, make sure she talks with her OB or a psychiatrist about her depression.
* Assure her that she is normal. New mothers feel like they are supposed to be happy and may feel guilty and ashamed of their depression. Remind her that PPD is one of the most common problems out there. Never judge her.
* Be patient. A woman with PPD may be irritable and irrational. Heck, any woman who just had a baby may be irritable and irrational. Be especially loving and gentle, and try to avoid conflict.
* Volunteer to help out. After a woman has a baby, she has precious little time to sleep and take care of herself. Fatigue can make postpartum depression worse. Offer to take care of the baby and older children. Do some housework and run errands.. Taking care of the baby while Mom takes a long nap can help immensely.
* Keep her company. Being a new mother can be isolating, and for many women, postpartum depression is worse when they are alone with the baby. Stop by for a long chat, or keep her company on an errand. If you're not nearby, give her a call.
* Take a walk together. Exercise is a great way to fight depression. Postpartum women need to exercise in moderation, so a walk is perfect. Getting out of the house will help with the depression as well.
* Cook dinner. A home cooked meal can do wonders, especially at a hectic time like this. Make her some of her favorite foods, including a yummy dessert.
* Bring her a present. The baby's getting lots of cute things, so bring over something special for Mom. Gifts of relaxation might be in order, such as a mindless novel, a funny DVD, a bubble bath, or candles. Let her know that she's as special as the baby.
* Give her snuggles and back rubs. Partners, this means you. On top of being depressed, this poor woman is sore and feels like a pile of flab. Having a baby takes a huge toll on your body and your sense of attractiveness, so assure her that she is beautiful and rub her aching shoulders. (She's almost certainly not ready for sex though. Sorry!)
* Respect her needs. People experience depression in different ways. Some people like to be alone, and others hate it. Some need more rest, and others need more activity. Communicate with her about her needs, and listen.


I hope your friend gets help and feels better soon.
 
Thanks mate, I may call her up later tonight and ask if she needs me to run any errands for her - and I may cook her a pumpkin roll as a small frienship treat, letting her know I care.
 
That would be a great way to address it, Dixie. Just kind of ease it into a rather harmless conversation. The fact of the matter is, PPD is nothing to be ashamed of. It is a biological illness, it has a physical cause. It does not mean that she is mentally ill, or incapable, or that there is anything wrong with her maternal instincts. She needs to understand this. And because it is a medical condition, it can be treated with medication.

The fact is, a mother with PPD not only does a disservice to herself by not seeking treatment, but a disservice to her child, as well. The early months are when boding occurs, and a mother suffering from a severe case of PPD cannot properly bond with her child, nor her child with her. This can have a lasting effect on their relationship. To keep quiet is not the thing to do at this point. I would worry more about her getting the help she needs not jsut for herself, but for her child than whether or not you will offend her or make her feel that her privacy has been invaded. If the symptoms are as severe as you have described, and since you are obviously concerned about what you have seen, please, please, speak to your friend. Someone needs to. It isn't the easiest step to take, but it is the most caring one to take.

Good luck.
 
The problem is that her family raised her to basically hide the imperfections and the sadness. It's not ladylike to say your going insane sort of mentality going on there seems like. Also her and her family both sides are strong Christians which seems to make it worse in some ways, but it may be helping in others. I asked her dad how she was doing and he paused for a moment then replied - "She's chasing kids" I thought oh dear lord this isnt good.

The information I got was that her husband likely doesnt help with the rearing much. But Im not 100% sure on that as I went to school with the husband for a number of years and I can tell you he did not have the middle class upbringing by no means. He grew up in money and loads of it. I think his problem is because his own dad didnt help with the rearing much so he's not sure how to take the fatherly role in this whole thing. Part of me just wants to reach out and slap the boy on the back of the head for letting things get to this point before deciding on what should take priority in his life right now. He's not a bad kid - he's just not getting his priorities straight lately. But I am NOT defending his actions by any means.

Now back to my friend - Ive been praying that I'll get an opportunity in the next couple of days to chat with her. Im not going to rush in and play superhero and save the marriage, it doesnt need saving, its a covenant marriage (meaning they are stuck for at least 2 years if they want divorce papers drawn up), Im just worried about my friend.

I am telling you the scariest place to be is the dark corner inside your own head. She's there, she's scared and lonely. She's screaming and reacting like no one can hear, and its sad to sit and watch this go on. Overall she's not one to go blow her head off at the drop of a hat. She's got a level head on her shoulders in general.

Enough of me rambling on, Im going to find out where shes at tomorrow find her and start helping her out. Sometimes help comes in the strangest ways, for her its a deaf baptist thats red headed and red neck. I just need a reason to be up there.
 
You are a good friend, Dixie. I agree that it is not the marraige that needs attention at this point, it is your friend. She needs medical help, and the best thing you can do is to get her to understand that PPD is different from other forms of depression. Her body is reacting to hormonal changes in a severe why that most don't experience. That, in turn, causes chemical changes in the brain that create the depression. Bless her heart, to be stuck in such a dark place, and to be afraid that others will judge you as weak if you ask for help is a terrible place to be. And a dangerous place to be, as well. Some cases of PPD resolve themselves in a few months, and some get so severe that the mother actually becomes psychotic and a danger to herself and her family. That is why it is so important for her to be evaluated medically.

I admire your willingness to intervene in the situation. It says a lot about your character and your values. Be sure to take care of yourself, as well though. Stay objective enough to realize that there is only so much you can do. Do your best, and be satisfied that you have done more than her family has.:hug:
 
:ty: and Ive just realized Ive got a reason to be up there. Hopefully this will work.
 
Dixie said:
Now back to my friend - Ive been praying that I'll get an opportunity in the next couple of days to chat with her. Im not going to rush in and play superhero and save the marriage, it doesnt need saving, its a covenant marriage (meaning they are stuck for at least 2 years if they want divorce papers drawn up), Im just worried about my friend.
Click to expand...

Is that a law that you can't get divorce for 2 years? I didn't know that.

Dixie said:
I am telling you the scariest place to be is the dark corner inside your own head. She's there, she's scared and lonely. She's screaming and reacting like no one can hear, and its sad to sit and watch this go on. Overall she's not one to go blow her head off at the drop of a hat. She's got a level head on her shoulders in general.
Click to expand...

That's very sad. I'm glad she has you for a good friend. I hope you can visit her soon and help her out. Good luck to her!
 
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