Hearing in a relationship with Deaf, HoH, Deaf Blind et al.

DGirl101

DGirl101

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This subject probably has come up many times. But I thought that this thread could be used for future references.
For those of you that are hearing, tell us how your relationship is with a deaf or Hard of Hearing or Deaf Blind. And tell us what kinds of issues you face and how you overcame them.

Give us some tips, advice, suggestions, et al. to make the relationship work!
 
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I am hearing, in a relationship with my adult daughter, who is gradually going deaf. She is hard of hearing now.

When she informed us that she would soon be completely deaf, our entire family made a mutual decision to learn sign language together. We love her and want to continue to communicate with her throughout her life. We also saw it as a fun new adventure to take together.

As a family, we feel she should have every advantage to help her be successful in life. If hearing aids or cochlear implants would have been helpful to her, we would have done that. If sign language is helpful - we will do that. She has picked up lip reading on her own and is very good at it. If she needs any devices to assist her, or an assistance animal, we will do that. It's her life! Her one and only life! And we firmly believe that every child (young or old :D ) should have every advantage they can to be as successful as they could possibly be.

Our local United Way agency, Tulsa Speech and Hearing, as been incredibly helpful in introducing us to the many devices available to deaf and hard of hearing people.

Her co-workers (a bunch of computer IT guys) are going to set her up with a video phone system. We are all on the same team in supporting her.
 
hello!! I hope I have given some good examples of how to be a supportive person in any type of relationship with deaf, hoh, deaf/blind, etc.
 
MoniDew said:
I am hearing, in a relationship with my adult daughter, who is gradually going deaf. She is hard of hearing now.

When she informed us that she would soon be completely deaf, our entire family made a mutual decision to learn sign language together. We love her and want to continue to communicate with her throughout her life. We also saw it as a fun new adventure to take together.

As a family, we feel she should have every advantage to help her be successful in life. If hearing aids or cochlear implants would have been helpful to her, we would have done that. If sign language is helpful - we will do that. She has picked up lip reading on her own and is very good at it. If she needs any devices to assist her, or an assistance animal, we will do that. It's her life! Her one and only life! And we firmly believe that every child (young or old :D ) should have every advantage they can to be as successful as they could possibly be.

Our local United Way agency, Tulsa Speech and Hearing, as been incredibly helpful in introducing us to the many devices available to deaf and hard of hearing people.

Her co-workers (a bunch of computer IT guys) are going to set her up with a video phone system. We are all on the same team in supporting her.
Click to expand...

it is so good to hear all this
 
MoniDew said:
I am hearing, in a relationship with my adult daughter, who is gradually going deaf. She is hard of hearing now.

When she informed us that she would soon be completely deaf, our entire family made a mutual decision to learn sign language together. We love her and want to continue to communicate with her throughout her life. We also saw it as a fun new adventure to take together.

As a family, we feel she should have every advantage to help her be successful in life. If hearing aids or cochlear implants would have been helpful to her, we would have done that. If sign language is helpful - we will do that. She has picked up lip reading on her own and is very good at it. If she needs any devices to assist her, or an assistance animal, we will do that. It's her life! Her one and only life! And we firmly believe that every child (young or old :D ) should have every advantage they can to be as successful as they could possibly be.

Our local United Way agency, Tulsa Speech and Hearing, as been incredibly helpful in introducing us to the many devices available to deaf and hard of hearing people.

Her co-workers (a bunch of computer IT guys) are going to set her up with a video phone system. We are all on the same team in supporting her.
Click to expand...

How old is she? :hmm:
 
MoniDew said:
I am hearing, in a relationship with my adult daughter, who is gradually going deaf. She is hard of hearing now.

When she informed us that she would soon be completely deaf, our entire family made a mutual decision to learn sign language together. We love her and want to continue to communicate with her throughout her life. We also saw it as a fun new adventure to take together.

As a family, we feel she should have every advantage to help her be successful in life. If hearing aids or cochlear implants would have been helpful to her, we would have done that. If sign language is helpful - we will do that. She has picked up lip reading on her own and is very good at it. If she needs any devices to assist her, or an assistance animal, we will do that. It's her life! Her one and only life! And we firmly believe that every child (young or old :D ) should have every advantage they can to be as successful as they could possibly be.

Our local United Way agency, Tulsa Speech and Hearing, as been incredibly helpful in introducing us to the many devices available to deaf and hard of hearing people.

Her co-workers (a bunch of computer IT guys) are going to set her up with a video phone system. We are all on the same team in supporting her.
Click to expand...

Wow! You are a great mom! I wish I had that kind of support! I wish you all the best of luck! :D
 
MORE IDEAS on how to be supportive in a relationship with a deaf person:

LOOK at them when you are speaking so they can read your lips. Speak naturally - not overly exaggerated.

USE FACIAL EXPRESSION with everything you say. The biggest barrier to communication is NOT the difference between speaking and deaf! It is the difference between emotional transparency and a blank, emotionless face!

SIT ACROSS from your deaf person, not side by side (see look at your person, above.)

The deaf do not typically HOLD HANDS while dating - saving the hands for conversation. However, I have discovered that they are wonderful huggers! :D (And, I am sure the rest follows naturally, during private moments when conversation is no longer required - that's communication on a whole new level! :naughty:)

BE PATIENT! Communication happens better and more clearly when it is not pressured. Don't be afraid to ask for someone to say or sign something again (or more slowly) if necessary.

Let your person know they are loved, in their current state, without any changes required - whether hearing, deaf, hoh, deaf/blind, etc. REAL LOVE IS UNCONDITIONAL!
 
MoniDew said:
MORE IDEAS on how to be supportive in a relationship with a deaf person:

LOOK at them when you are speaking so they can read your lips. Speak naturally - not overly exaggerated.

USE FACIAL EXPRESSION with everything you say. The biggest barrier to communication is NOT the difference between speaking and deaf! It is the difference between emotional transparency and a blank, emotionless face!

SIT ACROSS from your deaf person, not side by side (see look at your person, above.)

The deaf do not typically HOLD HANDS while dating - saving the hands for conversation. However, I have discovered that they are wonderful huggers! :D (And, I am sure the rest follows naturally, during private moments when conversation is no longer required - that's communication on a whole new level! :naughty:)

BE PATIENT! Communication happens better and more clearly when it is not pressured. Don't be afraid to ask for someone to say or sign something again (or more slowly) if necessary.

Let your person know they are loved, in their current state, without any changes required - whether hearing, deaf, hoh, deaf/blind, etc. REAL LOVE IS UNCONDITIONAL!
Click to expand...

thanks for the tips
 
Sweet, a topic I actually have some insight on lol.

Ok, so it's a known fact that I'm dating Alicia on here and she's deaf and I am hearing.

I'm very supportive of her in all avenues of her life, so I feel like I didn't really need to go out of my way to do much adapting.

The only thing I've really had to kinda work on and now comes naturally is eye contact and facing her while I talk. I typically don't make eye contact when I talk, it's just something I've always done and people usually don't know I'm talking to them lol. Sometimes I catch myself speaking to people and not having my mouth visible to them and I correct it lol.

I'm pretty good for facial expressions as I'm kind of an animated person. We never really side beside eachother, we always sit across, so that has never been an issue. We hold hands and it's not an issue since she doesn't sign and she is a wonderful hugger lol.

All I know is if she tells me to change something to help her understand better, I do it without thought. I'm patient with her as she is always patient with me, which I think regardless of any situation is beneficial to everyone. I hope to eventually have us both enroll in a sign language course.
 
hi my name is Derlaina im new here im hearing and i know how to sign umm my ex bf is deaf and were off and on but i've found someone else he's deaf and we talk all the time i really don't have any problems with him being deaf but its like when i was with my ex bf people were all like how do you talk? do you know how to sign? if yall have a kid would it be deaf? how do yall talk on the phone? i hear them all then time even after we broke up then at lunch i would be signing and people would just stare i would think OMFG EAT YOUR LUNCH THEY ARE PEOPLE TOO...yeah so i told him about it and he was silly so he was talking about ohhh im popular and stuff like they really want to know how i eat? how i sign it was crazy but after the 7th month people were used to us
 
You know, when I dated a deaf guy, we held hands all the time. I'm also deaf. If we wanted to talk, we'd let go and then sign, and go back to holding. So I think the "not holding hands because you're deaf" is just a personal thing. In verbal conversations you take breaks and often walk without saying anything, and it's the same with sign. My biggest issue is that my hearing husband's signing isn't improving quickly enough for me. When I get tired, my concentration drops and it's difficult to lipread. He can fingerspell well, but I can't read fingerspelling well (I so far better with actual signs) so I get cranky about that. He's constantly trying to improve, so I can't fault him with that.

The only real difference between a realationship with two able bodied and a relationship with one able bodied and one who is d/Deaf, HoH, or d/Deaf blind is that the both of you need to decide from the start the way communication works best for you, and work on keeping those communication channels open. Say you start out with the hearing person learning sign, and they start to slack off and instead write notes. That's pretty disrespectful of the other person, and the note writer needs to take up the slack they created. If the deaf person's needs change, by all means try to change with them. I have a progressive loss, and growing up we didn't think I'd ever need to sign. By the time college rolled around, I desperately needed to learn it, so I did. Had I been in a relationship at that time, I would have expected my partner to learn sign with me.

When I met my husband, he jumped right into learning sign, knowing that it's the easiest thing for me to quickly understand speech when I'm upset or tired or in pain (I have a chronic pain condition). Really, other than the language barrier, our relationship is just like every other relationship. It's based on compromise, with each party working to give as much of themselves as possible.
 
hearing guy married to deaf lady

Well, I'm a hearing guy. I am a nationally certified interpreter. I learned signed English and ASL before I met my wife. I tell people, I can turn my ears off, she can not turn hers on. In our house, we use sign language to communicate. It works great. It was awesome to have a Deaf minister for the wedding, and interpreters for the hearing people.
Just like with children, find a communication that works and its not an issue.
 
Very true

MoniDew said:
MORE IDEAS on how to be supportive in a relationship with a deaf person:

LOOK at them when you are speaking so they can read your lips. Speak naturally - not overly exaggerated.

USE FACIAL EXPRESSION with everything you say. The biggest barrier to communication is NOT the difference between speaking and deaf! It is the difference between emotional transparency and a blank, emotionless face!

SIT ACROSS from your deaf person, not side by side (see look at your person, above.)

The deaf do not typically HOLD HANDS while dating - saving the hands for conversation. However, I have discovered that they are wonderful huggers! :D (And, I am sure the rest follows naturally, during private moments when conversation is no longer required - that's communication on a whole new level! :naughty:)

BE PATIENT! Communication happens better and more clearly when it is not pressured. Don't be afraid to ask for someone to say or sign something again (or more slowly) if necessary.

Let your person know they are loved, in their current state, without any changes required - whether hearing, deaf, hoh, deaf/blind, etc. REAL LOVE IS UNCONDITIONAL!
Click to expand...
This is very true I went out to eat with my friend who is deaf and blind it's I spent all this time thinking about seating arrangements and how we would talk. Only to find out that he knew a great arrangement and little change was necessary. I guess all and all I say treat people with respect and if you are hearing try to sign even when speaking to hearing person. In the case of any blind person make them aware of their surroundings.
 
I am hearing, and my wife is deaf. We have 3 kids, all hearing, the baby signs more then talks(if you call a 2 year old a baby). We have been together for 9 years now and in Oct, will be 9 LONG YEARS in our marriage. We have a happy marriage, and had some hard times; due to the communication barrier or due to the job I have. We have had our huge fights, and the great bonding times.

A few things we do to help each other, remember that each other just human. There will be a grammar barrier there between both so talk to each other and make sure each one understands the other. Lastly, humor is a great tool to get through anything.
 
Hi Everyone,

This is my first time posting here. I saw this thread and was very interested because it is exactly the subject I want to learn more about!

I am single for the first time in 11 years, and I met an awesome deaf man through online dating. We are not dating anymore, but he is a very good friend, and we talk all the time. He went to oral school, so he is very good at teaching me ASL because he reads my lips and shows me the right sign for what I am trying to say. I am learning ASL very quickly, and I love it!

My friend recently introduced me to another deaf man, and we have started dating. My problem is that he does not have good english writing skills, and he lives 6 hours away from me. When we are sending text messages or chatting online, it is sometimes very hard to explain to him what I am trying to say. I try to change the words I use to make them easier for him to understand, but there are some words that I cannot explain.

He also does not sign 100% ASL. He signs a mix of ASL and English....PSL? What is the best way for me to learn PSL? And how can I change my writing to help him understand me?

Also....this is an embarrasing question....But it is hard to communicate during "intimate moments"....it feels like I should not try to sign when we are in bed together....?

Anyway, sorry for the long post!! I am very happy to be here, and I look forward to learning more about deaf culture and communication!

-B
 
Hi, DiveGirl,

You've got some great questions there!

Yes, some deaf people who have a bit of residual hearing, and who are a little bit more comfortable in the hearing world, do tend to blur the line a little between ASL and English. They call it Pigeon English. They could be signing a sentence in ASL while speaking it in English - and it could be two totally different things. :D

you get used to it! :laugh2:

Anyway - as for intimate moments - I don't know. (My deaf person is a daughter, not a spouse, so I don't have "intimate" moments with her.) I imagine, in the deaf world, they sign what they need to sign, when they need to sign it. Alternatively, you could suggestively move his hand to the place on your body you would like him to touch and make a glorious face to demonstrate pleasure. Like any other new relationship, it's going to take a little trial and error to get the kinks worked out (or in, if you prefer ;) )
 
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