Awauphi
Active Member
- Joined
- Apr 29, 2003
- Messages
- 10,225
- Reaction score
- 3
What's the difference between the game of pool and a woman?
With pool you put all the balls in the holes and the stick stays
out, while with a woman you put the stick in and you leave the balls
out.
=====================================
A wife complains, "Our wall clock almost killed my mother today.
It fell only seconds after she got up from the couch."
The husband mumbles, "Damn clock always was slow."
=====================================
The young couple invited their aged parson for Sunday dinner.
While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked
their son what they were having.
"Goat," Little Johnny replied.
"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about
that?"
"Yep," said Johnny "I heard Pa say to Ma, 'Might as well have the
old goat for dinner today as any other day.'"
==================================
Two rather drunk gentlemen stood at the bar near closing time. "I've
got an idea," said one, "let's have one more drink and then go and
find us some girls."
"No," replied the other one, "I've got more than I can handle at home."
"Great," replied the idea man, "then let's have one more drink and go
up to your place."
================================
After watching a rather hot love scene on cable, the husband
looked over at his wife and said, "How come you never make love to me
like that?"
"Are you kidding me?? Do you have any idea how much they pay those
people to do that??"
===================================
Define "proctologist."
A crack investigator.
Define "bisexual."
Someone who likes girls as well as the next guy.
======================================
Some Trivia...
Over 2,500 left handed people a year are killed from using products
made for right handed people.
The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
Astronauts cannot cry. In space, there is no gravity, so the tears
can't flow.
A company in Taiwan makes dinnerware out of wheat, so you can eat your
plate.
Percentage of Americans that want to change their bodies in some way:
75%.
Percentage of Americans that would want to change their intelligence:
13%.
A person who is lost and starving can obtain nourishment by chewing on
his shoes, provided they are made of leather.
An igloo will stand up to modern artillery better than a concrete
barricade.
Additionally, the are almost invisible from the air and can't be
spotted by infrared sensors.
=========================================
When one of the prostitutes passed away, the girls moped
disconsolately around the house.
"Good old Gloria," lamented one. "She could handle twenty men
a night, drink a fifth of whiskey and still have the strength
to roll five drunks."
Hearing this, one of the others burst into tears.
"Why is it," she sobbed, "that a girl has to die before
anyone says anything nice about her?"
=================================
25 Reasons why alcohol should be served at work.
1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It reduces stress.
3. It leads to more honest communications.
4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants
to hear.
7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
8. It encourages carpooling.
9. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't
care.
10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
11. It makes fellow employees look better.
12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
15. Suddenly, burping during a meeting isn't so embarrassing.
16. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the
bar.
17. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.
18. Everyone agrees they work better after they've had a couple of
drinks.
19. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch
break.
20. Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked.
21. It promotes foreign relations with the former Soviet Union.
22. The janitor's closet will finally have a use.
23. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.
24. Sitting on the copy machine will no longer be seen as "gross."
25. Babbling and mumbling incoherently will be common language.
=================================
Two blondes decide to go duck hunting. Neither one of them has
ever been duck hunting before and after several hours they still
haven't bagged any.
One hunter looks at the other and says "I just don't understand it.
Why aren't we getting any ducks?"
Her friend says "I keep telling you, I just don't think we're throwing
the dog high enough."
====================================
Why don't blondes double recipes?
The oven doesn't go to 700 degrees!
What do a blonde and an instant lottery ticket have in common?
All you have to do is scratch the box to win.
===================================
A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to claim it and
the man verifies his ticket number. The Redneck says, "I want my $20
million."
The man replied, "No, sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a
million today and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19
years."
The Redneck said, "Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it."
Again, the man explain that he would only get a million that day and
the rest during the next 19 years.
The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I want my money!
If you're not going to give me my $20 million right now, then I want my dollar back!"
got it via email..
With pool you put all the balls in the holes and the stick stays
out, while with a woman you put the stick in and you leave the balls
out.
=====================================
A wife complains, "Our wall clock almost killed my mother today.
It fell only seconds after she got up from the couch."
The husband mumbles, "Damn clock always was slow."
=====================================
The young couple invited their aged parson for Sunday dinner.
While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked
their son what they were having.
"Goat," Little Johnny replied.
"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about
that?"
"Yep," said Johnny "I heard Pa say to Ma, 'Might as well have the
old goat for dinner today as any other day.'"
==================================
Two rather drunk gentlemen stood at the bar near closing time. "I've
got an idea," said one, "let's have one more drink and then go and
find us some girls."
"No," replied the other one, "I've got more than I can handle at home."
"Great," replied the idea man, "then let's have one more drink and go
up to your place."
================================
After watching a rather hot love scene on cable, the husband
looked over at his wife and said, "How come you never make love to me
like that?"
"Are you kidding me?? Do you have any idea how much they pay those
people to do that??"
===================================
Define "proctologist."
A crack investigator.
Define "bisexual."
Someone who likes girls as well as the next guy.
======================================
Some Trivia...
Over 2,500 left handed people a year are killed from using products
made for right handed people.
The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
Astronauts cannot cry. In space, there is no gravity, so the tears
can't flow.
A company in Taiwan makes dinnerware out of wheat, so you can eat your
plate.
Percentage of Americans that want to change their bodies in some way:
75%.
Percentage of Americans that would want to change their intelligence:
13%.
A person who is lost and starving can obtain nourishment by chewing on
his shoes, provided they are made of leather.
An igloo will stand up to modern artillery better than a concrete
barricade.
Additionally, the are almost invisible from the air and can't be
spotted by infrared sensors.
=========================================
When one of the prostitutes passed away, the girls moped
disconsolately around the house.
"Good old Gloria," lamented one. "She could handle twenty men
a night, drink a fifth of whiskey and still have the strength
to roll five drunks."
Hearing this, one of the others burst into tears.
"Why is it," she sobbed, "that a girl has to die before
anyone says anything nice about her?"
=================================
25 Reasons why alcohol should be served at work.
1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It reduces stress.
3. It leads to more honest communications.
4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants
to hear.
7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
8. It encourages carpooling.
9. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't
care.
10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
11. It makes fellow employees look better.
12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
15. Suddenly, burping during a meeting isn't so embarrassing.
16. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the
bar.
17. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.
18. Everyone agrees they work better after they've had a couple of
drinks.
19. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch
break.
20. Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked.
21. It promotes foreign relations with the former Soviet Union.
22. The janitor's closet will finally have a use.
23. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.
24. Sitting on the copy machine will no longer be seen as "gross."
25. Babbling and mumbling incoherently will be common language.
=================================
Two blondes decide to go duck hunting. Neither one of them has
ever been duck hunting before and after several hours they still
haven't bagged any.
One hunter looks at the other and says "I just don't understand it.
Why aren't we getting any ducks?"
Her friend says "I keep telling you, I just don't think we're throwing
the dog high enough."
====================================
Why don't blondes double recipes?
The oven doesn't go to 700 degrees!
What do a blonde and an instant lottery ticket have in common?
All you have to do is scratch the box to win.
===================================
A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to claim it and
the man verifies his ticket number. The Redneck says, "I want my $20
million."
The man replied, "No, sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a
million today and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19
years."
The Redneck said, "Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it."
Again, the man explain that he would only get a million that day and
the rest during the next 19 years.
The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I want my money!
If you're not going to give me my $20 million right now, then I want my dollar back!"
got it via email..
