Everybody thinks they know how to raise children and they don't -- Nobody does -- Simply because every child is different and the right way to raise one is the wrong way to raise another -- Even if they are siblings.
Best I know to do is tell your father, "You made mistakes, I will too. It's part of what parents do. I've forgiven you, you can forgive me."
And tell Maddie the same thing. "My parents made mistakes. I'm gonna make mistakes, and so will you. But together we can get a decent life going."
You're right, children don't come with instruction booklets on what to do for every given instance, all the best pediatricians can only suggest what may or may not work.
Thing is there is always constant drama here and it's digging at me. BUT looking at my life as a whole, it seems like no matter what I do, it is never good enough for my dad. I stopped seeking his approval years ago knowing that no matter what, I would never be good enough. He never encouraged me, never went to any of my high school events, nothing. It just made me feel that much more insecure knowing that I was never going to be daddy's girl. Never. I've toughened up so to speak and carried on as best I as I can.
My dad thinks I will never be fully independent, but yet he enjoys making my life as miserable as possible only because he's miserable with his life. If I make a suggestion on what I would like to do, he scoffs at me. I've also noticed that he never cuts at me when others are around, but when it is just me and him, he uses that opportunity to cut me down as much as possible. I have been called a bitch, a witch, a no-good mother, a shitty mother, lazy ass, selfish, rude, dyke, and a number of other things. We've had screaming cussing fights, many of which my daughter has sadly had to witness. She knows even at her young age that me and her Papa just cannot be together.
I don't think it is right that Maddie should have to grow up listening to it, which is why I want to move out and away if at all possible. I would actually prefer moving across the state which would give us plenty of distance so that he cannot come and pester me and be in the middle of my business telling me what I'm doing wrong.
He is just the kind of person that he wants things done exactly his way yesterday. And if he doesn't get it exactly his way he will moan and bitch and gripe about it day and night until one of us blows up and says enough is enough.
When you let yourself down you let Maddie down too.
And this is the hardest part. There have been many nights I've cried myself to sleep and told myself I don't deserve anything. Its hard, and I think Maddie can see through the grand facade I can erect to appear like things don't bother me, when really they do.
Totally disagree with this as a general rule. My mother and I lived in each other's back pockets until I married, I was almost 30. We always had keys to each other's houses and acted as though their house was our house. It was. I have 3 daughters I am so close too strangers misinterpret our relationships
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If I hadn't lost my home so abruptly when I first separated my husband and I could actually qualify for government housing assistance I would probably be living in an income based apartment right now. And this is how I lost my home: My husband had been thrown in jail for filing a false police report and that was the last straw between me and him. I went to the jail and I told him I didn't need anymore drama and that me and him were officially through. It was an abusive relationship in every way imaginable. The next day I called the utility companies to have them changed from my husband's name over into mine and told them that we were separating and he was no longer living in the home. I got to the electric company and I asked them to be changed over without being disconnected and the lady told me "Ma'am the utility is already in your name and it was shut off in September for nonpayment." I was like "Do WHAT?" Come to find out my ex husband had an oustanding bill from another state with this same company and could not get the utility turned on in my name so he used my SSN and my name to get them turned on, then did not pay the bills (He swore to me up and down that the bills were getting paid) and he had a brother that did contract work for this electric company, they had rewired the box and wired around it and turns out we had been living off of bootlegged electricity from September all the way into late February and I was left with a $2,500 electric bill I could not afford to pay at the time. So I had spent several days speaking with the company to work something out given the entire situation. They said that because I had received the benefit of the stolen electricity at that specific residence they could not turn the electricity back on until the bill was paid in full, BUT if I could get housing at another address they could turn it on for me but I would have to pay a security deposit as if it were a new account. Well I thought I could go an apply for an income based apartment in town, shouldn't be a problem. Well I go to the apartment complex and spoke with the manager and they were asking me all the questions like "Are you employed?" "Do you have any felony convictions?" etc. Then they asked me where I was employed, I responded honestly with "At Wayne Farms, LLC." Then the manager changed expressions and said to me, "Well I can tell you right now that working at Wayne's you would make too much to qualify for these apartments so you are just wasting our time here, I'm sorry but I cannot help you any further." Then she showed me the door. I bawled for days over that one like "How can I not even find a home?" Well I looked around for regular rentals and the cheapest I could find that was a decent home was a 2 bedroom 1 bath trailer for $600 a month. When you are making only $1,100 a month on a good paycheck, and you are caring for a child on your own, you cannot afford a $600 monthly rent. The numbers just don't come out nice when you have rent, utilities, groceries, childcare, clothing, etc. to also have to pay for. My mom said me and Maddie can live with her and dad until something came up. Well it has been 6 years now and nothing has come available. Ever since then my dad has made it obvious that I'm a failure in the sense that I cannot even provide the basics for my child, yet I am going to school and trying my best to get some opportunities for myself so I CAN provide for my daughter.
It might be your best solution.
I understand that is the best solution that we just find a way to live apart so that we are not at each others throats but I am doing the best I can with what I have, and no matter what it is not enough. It would be nice if I could find a roommate that will go in half and half with me on a rent house, but there aren't many that want to live with a 6 y/o child.
Marriage counselors (in my opinion) should be called relationship counselors. The dynamics are basically the same. If both you and your father will go one may be able to help you out.
In that situation you can give him choices without delivering ultimatums.
Counseling is something I cannot afford, and I seriously doubt my dad would even consider it as he doesn't care who he hurts just as he is right and that everyone else is wrong. They will probably tell us the same thing you are telling me, that it may be best that I move out and we are able to put some distance between us. But for now the best I can do is put up a proverbial wall and shut him out. For now I left his father's day gift in his little room downstairs and if he wants to keep it fine, if not fine. Doesn't bother me either way. I'm just no longer speaking with him. I also seriously doubt he will see what he said was hurtful and wrong and he will never apologize.
For now I will be looking into the possibility of working with USDA and finding a way to move out and hopefully if I put the word out that I would like a roommate to go half and half with me on a rental that doesn't mind children, I might be able to find something. It won't be a lot, but it's better than the current situation. If things do actually go through, I will sit down with Maddie and explain to her that sometimes change is necessary to keep people happy, even if at first the change is an unhappy one. I don't want her growing up watching me and my dad fight constantly. It's just not healthy for her, period.
for you!
...Yes, it's hard to support an adult child, especially with a grandchild. My own son came home, and it's made it much harder on me, and we have had a lot of verbal arguments, due to his lifestyle....He pays me weekly or he would not be able to stay here, (he now works)....We now have become closer....after talking about it, without shouting!....His girlfriends are "not allowed" overnight!...And his smoking is done outside, out of eye-shot....