Deaf-Hearing Marriage

From what i see, hearing men/deaf women tend to having divorce more than hearing women/ deaf men..

Myself a deaf male married to wonderful hearing lady, we have 2 kids, and still going strong over 7 years..

Diehardbiker.....she enjoy jeep :) !
 
YOMAN said:
From what i see, hearing men/deaf women tend to having divorce more than hearing women/ deaf men..

Myself a deaf male married to wonderful hearing lady, we have 2 kids, and still going strong over 7 years..

Diehardbiker.....she enjoy jeep :) !
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Not true. I am deaf and been married to hearing man for 27 years now and I know others too been married longer than I have.
 
shel90 said:
I think if the hearing spouses or partners are not willing to meet the needs of their deaf spouse or partner, it can cause serious problems in their relationship.

It takes two to really meet each other's needs for the relationship to work.
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:gpost:
 
I was doing a online search on hearing/deaf marraiges, and came across this forum, and website. I was intrested in knowing more about this because I am a deaf women (28 years old) who has been in a relationship with a hearing guy. I had never dated a deaf guy before, so it has always been hearing. I am used to dating hearing guys. Anyways, I see that a lot of the times, an issue for an divorce is because of communication? ( As what I am seeing in the forums). I am not married yet, but I am engaged. I fear that I may end up being divorce in the near future. I do have verbal, I talk (hearing impairment, but you can understand me), and I read lips. However I do have a hard time understanding some things, like a correct definition of a specific word, or understanding what he wants, but our relationship is strong. He does repeat for me when I do not understand what he is saying. I do not sign, nor does he.I am okay with that, as long as he is looking directly at me. We do love each other very much, and is going on almost a year and a half. He wants to get married now, but should we get married? Or should we wait and see how this turns out? We never fought at all.. we do have a few words when things are being misunderstood, and he will take his time to repeat slowly so I do understand. I do communicate with his family well, and they know that I am deaf. Just reading all this about divorces too soon scares me, but I am trying to think positive, IF you love someone, then you shouldn't worry about what the negatives in the future will have. You should always think positive!
 
My husband (hearing) and myself (not) have been together almost 8 years and married for 6. He does get exasperated with my hearing loss specifically sometimes a long with all the usual issues married couples deal with, but he's attending ASL classes with me as another option for us to be able to communicate.

I don't think we've ever had to worry about cultural clashes though. I was mainstreamed my whole life and only briefly knew one other person who had a hearing loss. I date him, but we eventually broke up because neither one of us could hear each other and it got annoying. My ex was also mainstreamed and with neither of us knowing ASL we had a serious lack of communication going on.
 
Oh geez, all the typos on my last post that I'm too lazy to correct. Sorry about that. :Oops:
 
Hi! I am the only deaf person in my family both in my biological family and now with my husband and our children. My husband and I will be married 25 years this year. He is also Asian and I am Caucasian.

Yes, I agree with ScubaladyTX, it is mainly good communication and commitment. Cultural barriers can be worked out as long as there is good understanding and love for each other. I have a 'mixed' marriage with both another race and being Deaf.

It has to be worked out together, whether it been Deaf-Deaf, Deaf-Hearing, Hearing-Hearing, West-East, West-West, East-East. To me, there is little difference, we all need to make adjustments to live with another person, whatever their race, culture, or creed. You stand on what is your common denominator, interests, etc., whatever it is that brought you together in the first place.
 
Right now, I am dating a hearing person. She may be a little bit slow on learning ASL. ASL is not easy for every one to learn, but she works hard every day to learn ASL. I always believe that something can be said about hard work.

Also, her Mom who had no ASL experience has recently started to learn. She has almost mastered the alphabet. Also, my girlfriend's best friend is willing to learn ASL.

That means a lot more than those "I love you". It means they are trying very hard to learn my language and about Deaf World.
 
dereksbicycles said:
Right now, I am dating a hearing person. She may be a little bit slow on learning ASL. ASL is not easy for every one to learn, but she works hard every day to learn ASL. I always believe that something can be said about hard work.

Also, her Mom who had no ASL experience has recently started to learn. She has almost mastered the alphabet. Also, my girlfriend's best friend is willing to learn ASL.

That means a lot more than those "I love you". It means they are trying very hard to learn my language and about Deaf World.
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Should you not also be saying "I Love You" by doing your part? From your post, it seems that the hearing folks are doing all the work to accomondate you. What have you done in return?
 
rolling7 said:
Should you not also be saying "I Love You" by doing your part? From your post, it seems that the hearing folks are doing all the work to accomondate you. What have you done in return?
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I did not ask her Mom or best friend to learn ASL. They decided that they wanted to. I am appreciative of any ASL that they are willing to learn. Not to push ASL on them. They can learn on their own pace.

I have shown her how much I love her. Both my family and her family approve of the relationship. I have shown her how much I care about her. I have went to her Church. She has learned to like Deaf World so I want to learn to like her world.
 
MzRuffin said:
I was doing a online search on hearing/deaf marraiges, and came across this forum, and website. I was intrested in knowing more about this because I am a deaf women (28 years old) who has been in a relationship with a hearing guy. I had never dated a deaf guy before, so it has always been hearing. I am used to dating hearing guys. Anyways, I see that a lot of the times, an issue for an divorce is because of communication? ( As what I am seeing in the forums). I am not married yet, but I am engaged. I fear that I may end up being divorce in the near future. I do have verbal, I talk (hearing impairment, but you can understand me), and I read lips. However I do have a hard time understanding some things, like a correct definition of a specific word, or understanding what he wants, but our relationship is strong. He does repeat for me when I do not understand what he is saying. I do not sign, nor does he.I am okay with that, as long as he is looking directly at me. We do love each other very much, and is going on almost a year and a half. He wants to get married now, but should we get married? Or should we wait and see how this turns out? We never fought at all.. we do have a few words when things are being misunderstood, and he will take his time to repeat slowly so I do understand. I do communicate with his family well, and they know that I am deaf. Just reading all this about divorces too soon scares me, but I am trying to think positive, IF you love someone, then you shouldn't worry about what the negatives in the future will have. You should always think positive!
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I personally think 1.5 years is too short of a time to wait for anyone to get married, so that is really my only concern. It sounds like you have a very understanding and caring fiancee.

The big problem that we see around here a lot with hearing/deaf relationships is usually when the female is deaf and the man is hearing. If the woman uses ASL, the hearing man rarely ever learns it beyond a rudimentary level (in your case, this doesn't matter because you don't sign), and doesn't make an effort to be part of the Deaf world (this also not matter in your case.) In these marriages, the hearing man likes the feeling of control he has by being the only one with full access to spoken language. He can, and will, use that to his advantage. Men are, by instinct, the "providers," and having a deaf wife is a way to fulfill that primal urge very easily.

In your case, it does seem like your fiancee makes an effort to keep you on the same communication level, but I do think 1.5 years is just too short of a time to know if he will always be like that. Sometimes the hearing man starts out all nice and understanding, but after a while, he becomes indifferent. We see this, too, all the time around here: mixed marriages that started off great but then turned to ruin as the frustration mounted.

Funnily, communication rarely seems to be a problem in deaf/hearing relationships when the woman is hearing. Hearing women make a much stronger effort to get past the communication barrier than hearing men, and almost always learns ASL fluently if the man is a signer.

I say good luck to you. I would really suggest that you both start learning ASL together. It could be a great way to strengthen your bond with each other, and it will improve communication tremendously. It will take time, of course, but it is invaluable.
 
TheWriteAlex said:
The big problem that we see around here a lot with hearing/deaf relationships is usually when the female is deaf and the man is hearing. If the woman uses ASL, the hearing man rarely ever learns it beyond a rudimentary level (in your case, this doesn't matter because you don't sign), and doesn't make an effort to be part of the Deaf world (this also not matter in your case.) In these marriages, the hearing man likes the feeling of control he has by being the only one with full access to spoken language. He can, and will, use that to his advantage. Men are, by instinct, the "providers," and having a deaf wife is a way to fulfill that primal urge very easily.
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That's likely because it deals directly with the area of social psychology, men are generally more into passive and non-verbal communication (by this I don't mean signing), while women tend to convey more empathy and exuberance, it's a social trend you may notice too. There is most likely a study that shows a table depicting linguistic word choice and percentages utilized by both sexes. But once we start adding ethnicity and cultures, things tend to start differentiating even further..

Hard to say where ASL/deaf culture lies though, personally I haven't gotten far enough experience to notice any general differences between signing men and women.
 
MzRuffin said:
I was doing a online search on hearing/deaf marraiges, and came across this forum, and website.

...

You should always think positive!
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It's hard to say when you come to a forum for help, none of us know who you are, you and your boyfriend's personalities, things that cannot be written into text.

Primarily I don't think it's a language issue if there are behavioral differences that the two of you don't match on.
Say for example, he says something to you and you don't understand, he tries again and you still are not catching it, either you pretend you understood or he says nevermind.

Now that moment he said 'nevermind', or if you pretend you understood him when you didn't really, you're putting yourself for future risk of a problem.

How will you correct the issue when it is regarding issues directly related to you, say, about what to do with a child? Or purchasing an important asset to either or both of your lives, such as a house or car? An important argument?

These issues can easily be circumvented through language, it only requires honest answers whether written, stated, or signed.
It actually is a behavioral characteristic where personalities don't let the situation transition smoothly to the other side, and they are things some people care about in their relationships, or as you put it, others "think positive and forget the negatives". It isn't a one-size fit all answer.
 
My user name has mentioned many times: past behaviour indicates what future behaviour-will be. To make more relevant here- how does one deal right now with the "hearing gap:: hearing to "deaf/hearing impaired". What are the parties doing to deall with this-now? Why would the future be different ?
Excluding "arranged marriages" or future "hearing difficulties" unknown at the present time.
Some thoughts to consider.
Footnote: I became bilaterally deaf-Dec/06 after becoming "widowed".

Implanted A B Harmony activated Aug/07
 
In my experience, there has to be genuine respect and care for each other for it to work. You can't just assume it will work out somehow on it's own. Both parts of the marriage have to give 100% to the marriage or it will end in divorce with hurt feelings.

I've been married to a hearie that was not understanding and treated me as an inferior retard (he called me this once in an argument) and anything that went wrong was somehow my fault. It was like walking on egg shells not knowing what would set him off. One day it could be for not dusting, the next for not cooking his dinner fast enough. Whenever I asked him to repeat something he would just walk up to me and tell me he would give me an extra $5 if I could tell him what he just said, or 'nevermind'. Just really mean inconsiderate things like that.

I have no idea for members here who are deaf and are happily married to hearing spouses how they make it work. The only thing I can think of is that there is genuine respect and love for each other and it's not just daily, it's hour by hour, minute by minute. I just wish I could find that same kind of person for my life.
 
Dixie said:
In my experience, there has to be genuine respect and care for each other for it to work. You can't just assume it will work out somehow on it's own. Both parts of the marriage have to give 100% to the marriage or it will end in divorce with hurt feelings.

I've been married to a hearie that was not understanding and treated me as an inferior retard (he called me this once in an argument) and anything that went wrong was somehow my fault. It was like walking on egg shells not knowing what would set him off. One day it could be for not dusting, the next for not cooking his dinner fast enough. Whenever I asked him to repeat something he would just walk up to me and tell me he would give me an extra $5 if I could tell him what he just said, or 'nevermind'. Just really mean inconsiderate things like that.

I have no idea for members here who are deaf and are happily married to hearing spouses how they make it work. The only thing I can think of is that there is genuine respect and love for each other and it's not just daily, it's hour by hour, minute by minute. I just wish I could find that same kind of person for my life.
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I am one of them. A deaf person who is happily married to a hearing man.
 
Same for my close friend who married her hearing hubby. They have been together for 15 yrs. She is an ASL user and her hubby is hearing. I met him and can see that he can understand how deaf culture is and understand what deaf people tends to do that and understand ASL. He signs good, not the top but very clearly and adequate of understanding ASL. He's a great listening eye. :) Oh yes He can socialize with deaf people with no problem!
 
Wirelessly posted

shel90 said:
Dixie said:
In my experience, there has to be genuine respect and care for each other for it to work. You can't just assume it will work out somehow on it's own. Both parts of the marriage have to give 100% to the marriage or it will end in divorce with hurt feelings.



I've been married to a hearie that was not understanding and treated me as an inferior retard (he called me this once in an argument) and anything that went wrong was somehow my fault. It was like walking on egg shells not knowing what would set him off. One day it could be for not dusting, the next for not cooking his dinner fast enough. Whenever I asked him to repeat something he would just walk up to me and tell me he would give me an extra $5 if I could tell him what he just said, or 'nevermind'. Just really mean inconsiderate things like that.



I have no idea for members here who are deaf and are happily married to hearing spouses how they make it work. The only thing I can think of is that there is genuine respect and love for each other and it's not just daily, it's hour by hour, minute by minute. I just wish I could find that same kind of person for my life.
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I am one of them. A deaf person who is happily married to a hearing man.
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Me too 25 years and still going strong.
 
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Wirelessly posted (sent from a smartphone. )

Ive met some deaf men with hearing women. Some are sign language interpreters which does help alot with communication.
 
Another one married nearly 25 years here.

It sounds like you've got a good guy, there, MzRuffin. He looks at you, he takes the time to repeat things, he's concerned about your feelings. Those are very good qualities.

Like DrPhil said, past behavior predicts the future. How does your guy deal with frustration with things that have nothing to do with you? Does he take responsibility for his problems? Is he gentle with other people? Does he have goals for himself in life?

Beyond the hearing/non-hearing issue, every couple has certain basic areas where you want to be in agreement with each other, like how to handle finances, whether or not you want children, how do you want to live your life in general - urban or rural, cats or dogs, high-pressure career or take it easy, lots of travel or more a stay at home, Red Sox or Yankees (had to throw that one in there! ;-) ), things like that. Have you discussed those issues and come to agreement on them?

It's more a matter of how well you really know each other rather than how long a time you've been together. Some people can be together for a long time and not really know each other very deeply; others start talking about important issues very early on.

You're the only one who can judge that. To me, a year and a half is plenty of time to know if this person is the right one for you.

My husband and I dated for about 1 year before it got really serious, got engaged 18 months after we met, and married almost exactly 2 years after we met. We will celebrate our 25th anniversary this fall. So far, so good. ;-)
 
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