Deaf-Hearing Marriage

[shel90]

You ve got the wrong woman!

Yea, I was thinking the same thing.

 

[shel90]

I have 4 close girlfriends that live in a nearby state. All of them are deaf...3 of them are married to hearing guys. One has a boyfriend who is deaf.

My hearing husband and one of my friend's hearing husband learned ASL after meeting us and we are both very happy in our marriages.

My 2 other friends who are married to the hearing guys are not happy in their marriages and I noticed that their husbands are not willing to learn ASL and there seems to be a lot of miscommunication occurring.

I think if the hearing spouses or partners are not willing to meet the needs of their deaf spouse or partner, it can cause serious problems in their relationship.

It takes two to really meet each other's needs for the relationship to work.

 

[Animal_Lover]

Sorry, I wouldn't answer to your question because I can't get marry...

U.S.A ban all gay marriage...

*sigh*

but...


I'm still fighting for my freedom and perhap I will tell how it is feel to be Deaf-Hearie marriage

 

[Rio]

My opinion depends on the couple, if they got great chemistry, excellent communication and a great bond there is no problem. Just like any other marriage if your from a different culture and background what matters is the heart and their happiness. That's just simple thing.

I agree with Shel90 , communication is the factor for the spouse to learn ASL and be sensitive to the need of the deaf spouse.

 

[UpstNYDesigner]

Interesting topic. I have been through many relationships with all kinds. I am Deaf Caucasian (white) short guy. I have dated hearing, deaf, HOH. I grew up HOH till 2 and half yrs ago when I lost more hearing to menigre's D. I also dated Blacks, Caucasians, Native Americans, Latina, a Polyasian... Dated divorced, widowed, and singles all my life. Deaf-Hearing marriage is akin to Caucasian-Black marriage. Similar format of situations faced. However, the most important thing is LOVE. Love is greater than the apperance including Deafness or Hearingness. So what! Those 85 percent are sore losers because they forgot what love is. And forgot communication. Also Commitment they forgot. Yes, I understand about the "Deaf Language Barriers" out there. I went through one like that for a different reason. Anyway...

This is a good advise: Use the 4 Cs for Foundation of Marriage: Common (as in interests), Charity (love), Communication, and Commitment! Each C is like each corner of your basement (if any) that support the house. How can a house stand without foundation? Everyone knows this meaning even Jesus Christ spoke about foundation in Bible when he explained about something.

There is another subject I can share with you all. A long time ago, I wasnt happy with Deaf students when I was in school so I hated them. They teased me and picked on me because I am so smart and very preppy (remember 1980s?), talented, can talk very well like a hearing person, and has a attitude/personality like a hearing person. Still do!

I refuse to change myself because I am me. That is how I was raised!

Well, back to the deaf people thing.. I wanted just to date hearing girls but it was tough to get one. Then later, I was a little better with deaf girls.. the ones I didnt go to school with... it was ok but it was communication level. You see, they were too quiet and I tried to talk with them. They noticed I talk like being in an brillight conversation with some mensa types so that scared them away..

Later, I dated both side of the fence.. in 1990s.. I was trying to fit in with the right one.. but went through bad experiences that made me a better person and know better in dating scene. Each one a bit better but always switched over either to deaf or to hearing world...

It was not till this deranged woman from CT whom I met online turned me off and saw how immature that woman was. I had difficulty with the online stuff.. that is another whole story I already talked about here somewhere.. (see subject about dating online is bad for you)...I think that was the subject title.

Anyway, This nutcase stalked me is profounded deaf and really trouble. I can sense it in my heart she s dangerous for me. Well, I had enough with many immature deaf women I met. No offense deaf ladies, I just happened to meet many immature women who happened to be deaf.

Lately met more mature women who are hearing.. The last two ladies after I dumped that cockoo, it was better. Finally, I am on one side of the fence ever since.

You see, the point is know yourself and love yourself and know what love is with that motto (the advice I just mentioned about the 4 Cs.), things are looking up!

Those 85 percent needs to read this. I hope my book will help those 85 and I bet ya that it will drop lower out there.. More happily ever for deaf-hearing marriages. I know I will!

 

[shel90]

Interesting topic. I have been through many relationships with all kinds. I am Deaf Caucasian (white) short guy. I have dated hearing, deaf, HOH. I grew up HOH till 2 and half yrs ago when I lost more hearing to menigre's D. I also dated Blacks, Caucasians, Native Americans, Latina, a Polyasian... Dated divorced, widowed, and singles all my life. Deaf-Hearing marriage is akin to Caucasian-Black marriage. Similar format of situations faced. However, the most important thing is LOVE. Love is greater than the apperance including Deafness or Hearingness. So what! Those 85 percent are sore losers because they forgot what love is. And forgot communication. Also Commitment they forgot. Yes, I understand about the "Deaf Language Barriers" out there. I went through one like that for a different reason. Anyway...

This is a good advise: Use the 4 Cs for Foundation of Marriage: Common (as in interests), Charity (love), Communication, and Commitment! Each C is like each corner of your basement (if any) that support the house. How can a house stand without foundation? Everyone knows this meaning even Jesus Christ spoke about foundation in Bible when he explained about something.

There is another subject I can share with you all. A long time ago, I wasnt happy with Deaf students when I was in school so I hated them. They teased me and picked on me because I am so smart and very preppy (remember 1980s?), talented, can talk very well like a hearing person, and has a attitude/personality like a hearing person. Still do!

I refuse to change myself because I am me. That is how I was raised!

Well, back to the deaf people thing.. I wanted just to date hearing girls but it was tough to get one. Then later, I was a little better with deaf girls.. the ones I didnt go to school with... it was ok but it was communication level. You see, they were too quiet and I tried to talk with them. They noticed I talk like being in an brillight conversation with some mensa types so that scared them away..

Later, I dated both side of the fence.. in 1990s.. I was trying to fit in with the right one.. but went through bad experiences that made me a better person and know better in dating scene. Each one a bit better but always switched over either to deaf or to hearing world...

It was not till this deranged woman from CT whom I met online turned me off and saw how immature that woman was. I had difficulty with the online stuff.. that is another whole story I already talked about here somewhere.. (see subject about dating online is bad for you)...I think that was the subject title.

Anyway, This nutcase stalked me is profounded deaf and really trouble. I can sense it in my heart she s dangerous for me. Well, I had enough with many immature deaf women I met. No offense deaf ladies, I just happened to meet many immature women who happened to be deaf.

Lately met more mature women who are hearing.. The last two ladies after I dumped that cockoo, it was better. Finally, I am on one side of the fence ever since.

You see, the point is know yourself and love yourself and know what love is with that motto (the advice I just mentioned about the 4 Cs.), things are looking up!

Those 85 percent needs to read this. I hope my book will help those 85 and I bet ya that it will drop lower out there.. More happily ever for deaf-hearing marriages. I know I will!

I wonder if that's why my dating experiences with deaf men didnt work out cuz I found them too immature for me (the ones that were available)? Not all deaf men are immature, mind u. It seemed that I had a hard time finding a deaf guy who was at my level of communication and who was serious about goals. The ones that I dated were only interested in partying, having so many friends, and playing around in the field and most of them were in their 30s or 40s! It seemed that they didnt want to grow up and the ones who were more mature and intelligent were already taken!

 

[spainmale]

sad but true. hearing and deaf have higher percent of divorce due to culture issues. In my opinion hearing and deaf shouldnt get married. I m married to hard of hearing and we get along great.

 

[Cheri]

How can some of you sit here and tell us who we shouldn't be married to? If you don't want to marry a hearing person, then don't. I don't even care about the cultures, My world doesn't involved in only the deaf world to begin with, just because I'm deaf does that mean I have to be very involvement with it's culture. You see, what ticks me off the most about some deaf people, Their behaviors and attitudes towards hearing people just rubs me the wrong way. Communication along with hearing and deaf is not the issue here, there's many many hearing people out there that knows sign language, some do have most fluent signing skills.

Higher percent of divorce along in hearing and deaf marriage is full of crap. I don't buy it or believe it. It's all in your heads. It only falls in categories with deaf/hearing marriage is when a deaf person signs ONLY!, and expects their hearing partner to sign only to them. It doesn't work that way, You have to go half way, the other spouse goes half way. It isn't all about "you, me" that's kind of attitudes I see along in some deaf people. It's very disappointing too.

I socialize with both worlds while some of you deaf attitudes socialize with only the deaf world. It's not my problem, it's yours alone. Just because you're deaf, you think that's the only world you should socialize with is Deaf world? You're deaf for a reason, just like who people were born with disabled for a reason, that doesn't mean they have to stick in their little world and have it's own culture. It's pathetic, sorry to say it.

I don't need to marry someone out of similarity of backgrounds as mine, I marry someone out of love, if someone is who I've been searching for all my life, weather he's hearing, deaf, hard of hearing, that person is my destiny for life, that who I shall marry.

Enough said by me.

 

[highlands]

How can some of you sit here and tell us who we shouldn't be married to? If you don't want to marry a hearing person, then don't. I don't even care about the cultures, My world doesn't involved in only the deaf world to begin with, just because I'm deaf does that mean I have to be very involvement with it's culture. You see, what ticks me off the most about some deaf people, Their behaviors and attitudes towards hearing people just rubs me the wrong way. Communication along with hearing and deaf is not the issue here, there's many many hearing people out there that knows sign language, some do have most fluent signing skills.

Higher percent of divorce along in hearing and deaf marriage is full of crap. I don't buy it or believe it. It's all in your heads. It only falls in categories with deaf/hearing marriage is when a deaf person signs ONLY!, and expects their hearing partner to sign only to them. It doesn't work that way, You have to go half way, the other spouse goes half way. It isn't all about "you, me" that's kind of attitudes I see along in some deaf people. It's very disappointing too.

I socialize with both worlds while some of you deaf attitudes socialize with only the deaf world. It's not my problem, it's yours alone. Just because you're deaf, you think that's the only world you should socialize with is Deaf world? You're deaf for a reason, just like who people were born with disabled for a reason, that doesn't mean they have to stick in their little world and have it's own culture. It's pathetic, sorry to say it.

I don't need to marry someone out of similarity of backgrounds as mine, I marry someone out of love, if someone is who I've been searching for all my life, weather he's hearing, deaf, hard of hearing, that person is my destiny for life, that who I shall marry.

Enough said by me.

I agree with you . I also believe that love is the core of relationships. However , my relationships or interests with hearing women almost always sucked .. I tried to socialize with hearing girls but they seemed not to respect my deafness so I thought that if I couldn't have a proper communication with them then my relationship wouldn't work out and it wouldn't be much meaning to my soul .that's the reason why I am still single and virgin

P.S.

I took a hearing test on last Friday and according to my audiogram,I am now deaf in both of my ears :| .... I moved to deaf world and I am hoh with my aids.

 

[Angel]

How can some of you sit here and tell us who we shouldn't be married to? If you don't want to marry a hearing person, then don't. I don't even care about the cultures, My world doesn't involved in only the deaf world to begin with, just because I'm deaf does that mean I have to be very involvement with it's culture. You see, what ticks me off the most about some deaf people, Their behaviors and attitudes towards hearing people just rubs me the wrong way. Communication along with hearing and deaf is not the issue here, there's many many hearing people out there that knows sign language, some do have most fluent signing skills.

Higher percent of divorce along in hearing and deaf marriage is full of crap. I don't buy it or believe it. It's all in your heads. It only falls in categories with deaf/hearing marriage is when a deaf person signs ONLY!, and expects their hearing partner to sign only to them. It doesn't work that way, You have to go half way, the other spouse goes half way. It isn't all about "you, me" that's kind of attitudes I see along in some deaf people. It's very disappointing too.

I socialize with both worlds while some of you deaf attitudes socialize with only the deaf world. It's not my problem, it's yours alone. Just because you're deaf, you think that's the only world you should socialize with is Deaf world? You're deaf for a reason, just like who people were born with disabled for a reason, that doesn't mean they have to stick in their little world and have it's own culture. It's pathetic, sorry to say it.

I don't need to marry someone out of similarity of backgrounds as mine, I marry someone out of love, if someone is who I've been searching for all my life, weather he's hearing, deaf, hard of hearing, that person is my destiny for life, that who I shall marry.

Enough said by me.

!!! I totally agree, well said sis....

 

[shel90]

How can some of you sit here and tell us who we shouldn't be married to? If you don't want to marry a hearing person, then don't. I don't even care about the cultures, My world doesn't involved in only the deaf world to begin with, just because I'm deaf does that mean I have to be very involvement with it's culture. You see, what ticks me off the most about some deaf people, Their behaviors and attitudes towards hearing people just rubs me the wrong way. Communication along with hearing and deaf is not the issue here, there's many many hearing people out there that knows sign language, some do have most fluent signing skills.

Higher percent of divorce along in hearing and deaf marriage is full of crap. I don't buy it or believe it. It's all in your heads. It only falls in categories with deaf/hearing marriage is when a deaf person signs ONLY!, and expects their hearing partner to sign only to them. It doesn't work that way, You have to go half way, the other spouse goes half way. It isn't all about "you, me" that's kind of attitudes I see along in some deaf people. It's very disappointing too.

I socialize with both worlds while some of you deaf attitudes socialize with only the deaf world. It's not my problem, it's yours alone. Just because you're deaf, you think that's the only world you should socialize with is Deaf world? You're deaf for a reason, just like who people were born with disabled for a reason, that doesn't mean they have to stick in their little world and have it's own culture. It's pathetic, sorry to say it.

I don't need to marry someone out of similarity of backgrounds as mine, I marry someone out of love, if someone is who I've been searching for all my life, weather he's hearing, deaf, hard of hearing, that person is my destiny for life, that who I shall marry.

Enough said by me.

Right I agree with u.

The two friends of mine whose hearing husband who arent willing to learn to sign can read lips and speak. They have told me that if their husbands would be willing to learn some sign language and meet them half way, there will be a lot less miscommunication and less stress since their husbands get mad at them often for not being able to understand them fully.

My hearing husband is not fully fluent in ASL so I have to use my voice with him when talking to him cuz he can not understand me if I do not voice with him. The same goes for me if he doesnt sign and use his voice only. I cant read his lips at all! So I think we are a pretty good example of meeting each other half-way and it works for us.

 

[CrazyMomma]

How can some of you sit here and tell us who we shouldn't be married to? If you don't want to marry a hearing person, then don't. I don't even care about the cultures, My world doesn't involved in only the deaf world to begin with, just because I'm deaf does that mean I have to be very involvement with it's culture. You see, what ticks me off the most about some deaf people, Their behaviors and attitudes towards hearing people just rubs me the wrong way. Communication along with hearing and deaf is not the issue here, there's many many hearing people out there that knows sign language, some do have most fluent signing skills.

Higher percent of divorce along in hearing and deaf marriage is full of crap. I don't buy it or believe it. It's all in your heads. It only falls in categories with deaf/hearing marriage is when a deaf person signs ONLY!, and expects their hearing partner to sign only to them. It doesn't work that way, You have to go half way, the other spouse goes half way. It isn't all about "you, me" that's kind of attitudes I see along in some deaf people. It's very disappointing too.

I socialize with both worlds while some of you deaf attitudes socialize with only the deaf world. It's not my problem, it's yours alone. Just because you're deaf, you think that's the only world you should socialize with is Deaf world? You're deaf for a reason, just like who people were born with disabled for a reason, that doesn't mean they have to stick in their little world and have it's own culture. It's pathetic, sorry to say it.

I don't need to marry someone out of similarity of backgrounds as mine, I marry someone out of love, if someone is who I've been searching for all my life, weather he's hearing, deaf, hard of hearing, that person is my destiny for life, that who I shall marry.

Enough said by me.

Well said, Cheriwackomomma!!! I am married to hearing guy and my hoh sister recently married to hearing guy and we all can communicate to them as long we are open to them.

 

[UpstNYDesigner]

What I am trying to say in here that the inside counts. It is not important if the person is deaf or hoh or hearing. My motto is true. Maybe you misunderstood what common means. More like, common grounds. Get it? For example.. not just interests, but in agreeing with things. Like the other C called compromise. 100 and 100. Both. Two becomes one. Does that clear up?

Shel, I agree with you. THAT is the reason why I am not in the dating field anymore. I am tired of the crap out there. Many immature, many want what they want rather than the need.... Oh I can go on forever with this subject. I also hated the fact ever since 1995, I met too many OLDER women that I was not expecting to have for relationship and marriage. I wanted someone my age or younger than my age.. Not a baby. Nooo.. Not to become my wife's daddy or sugar daddy. No.. The reason is I like to have children! I am first born of first born of first born.. on and on.. True! I carry that flag. I might end up not passing the torch.. My brother will since he has 2 sons.

I got really pissed in last 12 years that I end up meeting women who are not interested in having another baby or they are looking for a different reason than I am. Now, that is what Common means! Common goals is another example.

I also met women who CANT have babies.. Please.. not the A word.. No, not the abortion. I am referring to adoption. Not the same. I feel like I already know what that feeling that those mothers felt when having their babies. That feeling! OK? Now you know the real side of me.

I did not want to go to bars since they are bunch of kids now and they are after one thing that I am not going there. Besides with my faith, its a no no. Secondly, I ended up going to singles dances that usually older and mature people. Unfortunately, much older than I am! Been at it since 1993 and such no opportunity. The older ones in 40s, 50s, even 60s were after me! Yikes! I tried to go after the 20s and early 30s.. but did they want me? Noooo.. Perhaps they wanted sugar daddies!! (swearing in Italian about those jerks).

I know in my heart I will have my wife with 3 kids!

Well, I am 42 and now I should be doing other things than raising kids.. I rather to do that than looking for the right one. I explained quite a bit in my book I just wrote.. not yet published but you will understand a much better picture about everything here what I said.

Maybe my right woman is my talent in art and design. Like Sam Malone in Cheers, he went after the ladies but couldnt commit with them because he found the right one--the bar itself!

 

[jazzy]

sad but true. hearing and deaf have higher percent of divorce due to culture issues. In my opinion hearing and deaf shouldnt get married. I m married to hard of hearing and we get along great.

I don't know about that, I know more deaf/deaf marriage did not last than I know of deaf/hearing couples. I am married to hearing man for almost 25 next month and we have been together for almost 29 years. Who said deaf/hearing have high divorce rate? I only knew one deaf got divorced from hearing while I knew many deaf/deaf got divorced. about ur figure this out.

 

[Spoiled Angel]

I TOTALLY agree with you Cheri... I am HOH with aids, and I have dated hearing guys all my life. I have not dated a deaf guys because there isnt any around here that fit in my style. i am not picking about guys. I have dealt with alot of issues with the guys and finally married my best friend who is also hearing. He doesnt know ASL nor he signs. I speak very well and always have been. It is one's personal opinion about what they think about deaf should marry deaf or deaf marry hearing or even gay to gay- I am all for that too. Its all about how much they really love each other and how they feel about each other. not what the race is or the culture says or what the rules says in the book. I dont believe what it says by the rule. if 2 people love each other, they will find a way to make it work no matter what.

 

[CrazyMomma]

Well said, Hobag!!!

 

[HearingNicole]

I am a 21 year old hearing female. Im married to my extremely wonderful and gorgeous deaf husband. I ove him so much and am very happy with him. ALthough the communication gets a little weak and I feel like I never say the right things I really feel like we will beat the 85% statistic I keep reading about on these posts. We have been together for 13 months now. Married since march and have a 2 month old son. My life was forever changed when I fell crazy in love with him. I have tried my best to learn sign and feel I have a pretty good understanding. But come on, I can only learn so much and remember it in 13 months, I don't say Im fluent. Although I am very proud of how far I have come. COmmunication is more important than anything, especially in our given relationship where there is a communication barrier.
Even tho I know a good amount of sign, I still feel like we have a huge gap between us. I dont always understand his humor. And the other way around. I also feel like when I try to explain my feelings he takes it the wrong way, usually when Im upset I just want him to listen and hug me and try to understand what Im saying, but it most always ends with no one talking and him thinking Im not happy with him. I feel like we are perfect for each other in so many ways, yet this is the hardest relationship I have been in and the one relationship that takes so much effort and strength just to keep it going. So many times I have just felt like saying f*&^ it and give up because thats the easiest thing to do. There is a big communication and understanding difference from other reltionships. I have never really spoken with a deaf person before. And within the last year, I have dated, moved in with, concieved a child, gotten married, learning to be a wife and mother and learn a different language. This is the most stressed relationship I have ever had but at the same time the most rewarding and happy relationship. I keep hoping that with time our misunderstanding will become fewer and fewer. ANd that maybe we will understand each other more emotionally but until then I am just going to try to keep being patient and keep staying strong. I am going to really enjoy the times when we do understand each other.
I hope that my writing has given advice to anyone else in this kind of relationship. :P
Feel free to email me to chat with me. nicole_weaver@live.com

 

[CJB]

This makes me really grateful for my wife. She loves me despite my disabilities. She has watched me lose more vision, has watched me lose some of my hearing, and has watched me be diagnosed with several chronic illnesses that I will have for life. And yet she still loves me.

 

[sallylou]

CJB, you have a marriage that is truly special. You must be a special person, too. Why else would your wife love you so much?

I think that in *any* marriage, any time one spouse feels like he/she is *sacrificing*, the marriage is in serious trouble. The perception of sacrifice depends on a person's values, goals and flexibility.

I've made decisions that have precluded other options, but I don't feel like I sacrificed anything. I made my decisions according to my most ardent desire. Whatever I might have "passed up" is not relevant. Like the old saying goes, life is what happens while you're making other plans.

I've also come to realize how important it is to be flexible. It's crucial as a person ages.

My deaf grandfather was married to my hearing grandmother for over 65 years (I lose track of the exact number of years at her death). When my grandmother became incapacitated from Alzheimer, my grandfather walked to the care facility every day to feed my grandmother even though she didn't know who he was. He was an inspiration to me showing me what is possible with commitment and devotion. They aren't enough people like my grandfather in the world. I have no doubt that my grandmother would have done the same for him if the situation had been turned around.

True love is more precious than anything else in this world. Those who find it are truly blessed.

 

[CJB]

CJB, you have a marriage that is truly special. You must be a special person, too. Why else would your wife love you so much?

I ask her that every day. I have no idea!

I think that in *any* marriage, any time one spouse feels like he/she is *sacrificing*, the marriage is in serious trouble. The perception of sacrifice depends on a person's values, goals and flexibility.

I agree. Marriage is about compromise, flexibility, and sticking together.