She's in BIG trouble!!!

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Condor1970 said:
First off, she desperately wants to hear, but she is not motivated to do what is necessary to make that happen. . . She wore it last year in middle school, but now she's in High School, and she had this weird idea in her head that people actually care about it, like she's a freak or something, which of course she isn't, and absolutely no one gives her a hard time about it. If anything, all the kids think it's pretty cool.
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Her motivation to hear may be strong but at this age the motivation to be one of the crowd may be even stronger. Sometimes what was acceptable during middle school years is all of a sudden totally unacceptable in high school. For some people, being noticed as "different" can be painful, even if it's a positive difference. A teen doesn't necessarily want to stand out, even for the best of reasons. The good news is, this is usually temporary, after some maturity takes place and "fitting in" gets put into perspective. At that time, her priorities should change.

At 15yo, I do have the authority to make decisions about her life. That's called parenting. It boggles my mind when people think a child is actually truly capable of making these kinds of decisions. Should they have a part? Of course, but the ultimate decision is mine.
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Of course you have the right to make the final decisions but the child's feelings should be taken into consideration, whenever possible.

When she is a legal adult living on her own, then she has every right to live her life as she chooses. If people on here don't like it, that's too dang bad!!! Grow up. You can take your liberal Dr. Spock garbage and toss it in the trash. I love my children, and care for them a lot more than anyone on here, so don't patronize me with all this garbage about her making these kinds of decisions, because she is still a child, whether you think so or not.
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You and I are life-long hearing people. No matter how much we might empathize with deaf and hoh people, we can't really feel what they feel. That's especially the case with those who were marginalized from infancy on just because their hearing and speech was "different." They spent their formative years standing out (and not in a good way). They have life experiences that influence their perspective and insight that they're trying to share with you. It has nothing to do with liberality or Dr. Spock. Their childhoods may not mirror your daughter's but you should still give respectful attention to what they offer.

Have your own children and find out what happens when you, the doctors, nurses, school district, and everyone associated spent months fighting to get this for her when she begged for it, and you have over $100,000 spent on insurance to make it happen.
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That's probably how my dad felt when he punished me for not wearing the hideous orthodontic neck device in public. I strongly wanted braces and straight teeth but I just as strongly didn't want to wear the awful and highly visible neck strap in public. So, I wore it at home only. That wasn't good enough for my dad, who thought I was blowing the whole treatment process. I had just turned 16, was in a new high school in a new state, and definitely not a popular kid (very introvert). So this was all I needed to look even dorkier. I could take punishment better than having my peers look at me weirdly. So, for the rest of the school year (several months) I couldn't watch TV at all (this was 1967), and when the family went on their weekly pizza outing I had to stay home alone. I know that it pained my dad to do this but he didn't know what else to do. (He was an electrical engineer working in aeronautics, private and government, and NASA--to him, my behavior wasn't logical.)

Obviously, I'm not comparing to a few years of inconvenience to a life long "difference" but only showing some similar family dynamics.

She was fully aware of the commitment involved when this process started. There is no going back.
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I don't think she wants to go back. I think she's going thru a life phase where her social position is taking a higher than usual priority. Sadly, at this age, it's common to think the world revolves around self and how everyone else is viewing self.

When you make a commitment to something, you stick to it, even if you have to tough it out a bit. One does not truly excel in life by simply walking away from a problem every time you don't "feel" good for a little while. This is what's wrong with our society today. No conviction, No discipline, and a complete breakdown of real parenting.
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I don't think she's walking away from her commitment; more like a detour but she can eventually get back on track.

I fully understand her feelings, because I was a bullied skinny little kid in school. But, I didn't become a nuclear engineer by complaining about other kids picking on me, or having stay up every night to study, because I was tired, or didn't feel good. I did it anyway, because I needed to, in order to succeed. If I made every decision in my life based on simply how I felt when I pouted, I'd be living in a dumpster on welfare.
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She isn't you, and you aren't her.

Have you told her about your childhood obstacles and how you overcame them? Did you tell it in a way that was positive and not in a way that made her feel lesser for not being you?

I'm not here to be her best friend. I'm here to be her parent.
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Of course. But you are a parent, not a Company Commander. :)

btw, she didn't like the FM system either, because it bothered her. She did well in school anyway without it.
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What's that tell you? Despite these bumps in the road, she CAN succeed, and she's proven it. Try to see the positive.

Now she is almost completely deaf, and she begged to get this CI so she can stay in school without any other means needed to accommodate her. Well, if that's what she wants (and it still is, btw), she needs to have the discipline to get it. As her father, I will make sure she gets what she wants. It's all about the end game, not about how you feel at the moment.
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Yes but it takes time. She's intelligent so she'll realize sooner or later what she needs to do, and adjust her behavior accordingly.

Is she ticked off at me? Well, yeah. I would be too when I was 15. So what? After a good long talk, she understands she brought on her banishment from the internet by her own laziness, not mine. BTW, she is ADDICTED to the internet, and she is already understanding she needs to do this. She has been horribly unfocused for months, but just a good prodding is finally getting her head back on straight. In fact when I told her I fully understand, because she is pig headed and stubborn.... like me... she laughed, because she knows she is her fathers daughter.
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Keep up the good long talks. I'm afraid digital addiction is seriously a problem for a whole generation.
 
Reba said:
Her motivation to hear may be strong but at this age the motivation to be one of the crowd may be even stronger. Sometimes what was acceptable during middle school years is all of a sudden totally unacceptable in high school. For some people, being noticed as "different" can be painful, even if it's a positive difference. A teen doesn't necessarily want to stand out, even for the best of reasons. The good news is, this is usually temporary, after some maturity takes place and "fitting in" gets put into perspective. At that time, her priorities should change.


Of course you have the right to make the final decisions but the child's feelings should be taken into consideration, whenever possible.


You and I are life-long hearing people. No matter how much we might empathize with deaf and hoh people, we can't really feel what they feel. That's especially the case with those who were marginalized from infancy on just because their hearing and speech was "different." They spent their formative years standing out (and not in a good way). They have life experiences that influence their perspective and insight that they're trying to share with you. It has nothing to do with liberality or Dr. Spock. Their childhoods may not mirror your daughter's but you should still give respectful attention to what they offer.


That's probably how my dad felt when he punished me for not wearing the hideous orthodontic neck device in public. I strongly wanted braces and straight teeth but I just as strongly didn't want to wear the awful and highly visible neck strap in public. So, I wore it at home only. That wasn't good enough for my dad, who thought I was blowing the whole treatment process. I had just turned 16, was in a new high school in a new state, and definitely not a popular kid (very introvert). So this was all I needed to look even dorkier. I could take punishment better than having my peers look at me weirdly. So, for the rest of the school year (several months) I couldn't watch TV at all (this was 1967), and when the family went on their weekly pizza outing I had to stay home alone. I know that it pained my dad to do this but he didn't know what else to do. (He was an electrical engineer working in aeronautics, private and government, and NASA--to him, my behavior wasn't logical.)

Obviously, I'm not comparing to a few years of inconvenience to a life long "difference" but only showing some similar family dynamics.


I don't think she wants to go back. I think she's going thru a life phase where her social position is taking a higher than usual priority. Sadly, at this age, it's common to think the world revolves around self and how everyone else is viewing self.


I don't think she's walking away from her commitment; more like a detour but she can eventually get back on track.


She isn't you, and you aren't her.

Have you told her about your childhood obstacles and how you overcame them? Did you tell it in a way that was positive and not in a way that made her feel lesser for not being you?


Of course. But you are a parent, not a Company Commander. :)


What's that tell you? Despite these bumps in the road, she CAN succeed, and she's proven it. Try to see the positive.


Yes but it takes time. She's intelligent so she'll realize sooner or later what she needs to do, and adjust her behavior accordingly.


Keep up the good long talks. I'm afraid digital addiction is seriously a problem for a whole generation.
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Reba , this is my favorite post you ever made .
 
Reba said:
Her motivation to hear may be strong but at this age the motivation to be one of the crowd may be even stronger. Sometimes what was acceptable during middle school years is all of a sudden totally unacceptable in high school. For some people, being noticed as "different" can be painful, even if it's a positive difference. A teen doesn't necessarily want to stand out, even for the best of reasons. The good news is, this is usually temporary, after some maturity takes place and "fitting in" gets put into perspective. At that time, her priorities should change.


Of course you have the right to make the final decisions but the child's feelings should be taken into consideration, whenever possible.


You and I are life-long hearing people. No matter how much we might empathize with deaf and hoh people, we can't really feel what they feel. That's especially the case with those who were marginalized from infancy on just because their hearing and speech was "different." They spent their formative years standing out (and not in a good way). They have life experiences that influence their perspective and insight that they're trying to share with you. It has nothing to do with liberality or Dr. Spock. Their childhoods may not mirror your daughter's but you should still give respectful attention to what they offer.


That's probably how my dad felt when he punished me for not wearing the hideous orthodontic neck device in public. I strongly wanted braces and straight teeth but I just as strongly didn't want to wear the awful and highly visible neck strap in public. So, I wore it at home only. That wasn't good enough for my dad, who thought I was blowing the whole treatment process. I had just turned 16, was in a new high school in a new state, and definitely not a popular kid (very introvert). So this was all I needed to look even dorkier. I could take punishment better than having my peers look at me weirdly. So, for the rest of the school year (several months) I couldn't watch TV at all (this was 1967), and when the family went on their weekly pizza outing I had to stay home alone. I know that it pained my dad to do this but he didn't know what else to do. (He was an electrical engineer working in aeronautics, private and government, and NASA--to him, my behavior wasn't logical.)

Obviously, I'm not comparing to a few years of inconvenience to a life long "difference" but only showing some similar family dynamics.


I don't think she wants to go back. I think she's going thru a life phase where her social position is taking a higher than usual priority. Sadly, at this age, it's common to think the world revolves around self and how everyone else is viewing self.


I don't think she's walking away from her commitment; more like a detour but she can eventually get back on track.


She isn't you, and you aren't her.

Have you told her about your childhood obstacles and how you overcame them? Did you tell it in a way that was positive and not in a way that made her feel lesser for not being you?


Of course. But you are a parent, not a Company Commander. :)


What's that tell you? Despite these bumps in the road, she CAN succeed, and she's proven it. Try to see the positive.


Yes but it takes time. She's intelligent so she'll realize sooner or later what she needs to do, and adjust her behavior accordingly.


Keep up the good long talks. I'm afraid digital addiction is seriously a problem for a whole generation.
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:gpost: I wish we had a 'greatpost' too !
 
not enough "likes" for that one, Reba :applause: !!
 
Condor1970 said:
Bottesini,

No, I do not hate you. ;)

I'm not saying treat your kids badly, because that IS abuse. There is a big difference between discipline, and abuse. Discipline is invoked to provide focus, and proper behavior. But everyone's personality is different. Unconditional love, with no sense of consequences doesn't work in my family. Never has, never will. In fact, with most people it doesn't either. It can be a delicate balance when parenting. You have to know when to give them room, and when to put your foot down.

I didn't make it through boot camp with my Company Commander giving me unconditional love. LOL
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Boot camp? Really...
Is that what paranting is to you?
Damn
 
Jane, you're not getting it, If you like, see Reba's post-
 
dogmom said:
Condor1970

one little thing I will say here - in your most recent reply last night around 8ish, where in which you wrote among others that you "....understand her feelings...."

the question I have is - do you? are you deaf?
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dogmom said:
Jane, you're not getting it, If you like, see Reba's post-
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What I thought my post addressed was that he could understand from being picked on about something it has nothing to do with if that something was being deaf or not! Just that there was something for both of them.

I could not see that Reba's post was really different on that point than mine.
 
BleedingPurist said:
This is definitely one of those things that she will thank you for down the line. Well done!
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And you can stop with your generalization ! I am a baby boomer and my mom didn't have one 'how to bring baby book' in the house and either did I with my baby ! The only Spock I grew up with was Mr. Spock.
 
sometimes things get over analized
 
No hoichi, no one can see the future. But I do know that my daughter actually gave me a hug today, and said she understands now, and is sorry for wasting her whole summer playing on the computer, when she was supposed to be playing/talking with her friends and working on rehabilitation with her CI. Now, she's even regretting that basically missed one of the best summers we've had in a decade, locked up in her room with the shades drawn playing on that stupid teenager website. What a waste of life.

No, I am not a CC. I never said I was. Nor would I want to bring up my children in that kind of environment. I was simply making a point that sometimes achieving goals is very hard, and you have to deal with the unfortunate obstacles along the way. My point is that more often than not, humans are generally very lazy. This is a fact. If for one minute we feel as if we don't have to work for something, we won't. One does not succeed in life by being lazy. They succeed by working hard, and sometimes having to put up with a lot of difficulties. In fact, even when those who are coddled and manage to succeed, it is only when we face adversity, that we truly excel.

For anyone on here to think I don't love my daughter, then you don't know what love is. Loving someone is not just touchy-feely affectionate nonsense. Of course I have great affection for my daughter. Why wouldn't I? But, it's not just about how you feel. Loving is what you do. Sometimes, that love can be a bit tough, but in the end, it is worth it.

She's actually one tough kid (mentally). And yes, I do understand her feelings. I know what it's like to be different. So don't tell me I don't understand my daughter when not one person on here even knows who she is.
 
Condor1970 said:
No hoichi, no one can see the future. But I do know that my daughter actually gave me a hug today, and said she understands now, and is sorry for wasting her whole summer playing on the computer, when she was supposed to be playing/talking with her friends and working on rehabilitation with her CI. Now, she's even regretting that basically missed one of the best summers we've had in a decade, locked up in her room with the shades drawn playing on that stupid teenager website. What a waste of life.

No, I am not a CC. I never said I was. My point is that more often than not, humans are generally very lazy. This is a fact. If for one minute we feel as if we don't have to work for something, we won't. One does not succeed in life by being lazy. They succeed by working hard, and sometimes having to put up with a lot of obstacles. In fact, even when those who are coddled manage to succeed, it is only when we face adversity, that we truly excel.

For anyone on here to think I don't love my daughter, then you don't know what love is. Loving someone is not just touchy-feely nonsense about how you feel. Loving is what you do. Sometimes, that love can be a bit tough, but in the end, it is worth it.

She's actually one tough kid (mentally). And yes, I do understand her feelings. I know what it's like to be different. So don't tell me I don't understand my daughter when not one person on here even knows who she is.
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So, you maneged through threats and coercion to get your daughter to dance to the tune you dictated.regardless of what ever she was feeling or even thinking or her own wishes...

And she has given you a hug. And has submitted.

Fair enough.

Hope this.behavoir youve instilled in her, works for her when she faces other threats and other coercions..

Judging by the hug..

Its looking grim.

Good job
(Pats you on the back)
 
Condor1970 said:
No hoichi, no one can see the future. But I do know that my daughter actually gave me a hug today, and said she understands now, and is sorry for wasting her whole summer playing on the computer, when she was supposed to be playing/talking with her friends and working on rehabilitation with her CI. Now, she's even regretting that basically missed one of the best summers we've had in a decade, locked up in her room with the shades drawn playing on that stupid teenager website. What a waste of life.

No, I am not a CC. I never said I was. Nor would I want to bring up my children in that kind of environment. I was simply making a point that sometimes achieving goals is very hard, and you have to deal with the unfortunate obstacles along the way. My point is that more often than not, humans are generally very lazy. This is a fact. If for one minute we feel as if we don't have to work for something, we won't. One does not succeed in life by being lazy. They succeed by working hard, and sometimes having to put up with a lot of difficulties. In fact, even when those who are coddled and manage to succeed, it is only when we face adversity, that we truly excel.

For anyone on here to think I don't love my daughter, then you don't know what love is. Loving someone is not just touchy-feely affectionate nonsense. Of course I have great affection for my daughter. Why wouldn't I? But, it's not just about how you feel. Loving is what you do. Sometimes, that love can be a bit tough, but in the end, it is worth it.

She's actually one tough kid (mentally). And yes, I do understand her feelings. I know what it's like to be different. So don't tell me I don't understand my daughter when not one person on here even knows who she is.
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During the Korean War, my dad was an unarmed combat instructor , and a military policeman escorting dangerous people on trains.

I had a similar upbringing to your daughter, although mine also incorporated extreme physical abuse. Not just the mental.

That made me decide how I would raise children if my own.

In addition to making sure that the people who raised me had minimal contact.

I definitely learned how to be sweet and agree to try to avoid the abuse.

Of course as an adult I don't take much guff from anybody
 
Bot I had the English version of your upbringing my biological dad was American but I was brought up by father British army Korea mental physical abuse I left home soon hit 16 and lived on own wits.
although not deaf then I had other problems like total fear of parents..
I made same promis my kids would never have upbringing I had...To this day I won't have brass in my house Saturday morning I had polish all brass in house and God help me if pin prick of dirt it was thrashing not slap
 
caz said:
Bot I had the English version of your upbringing my biological dad was American but I was brought up by father British army Korea mental physical abuse I left home soon hit 16 and lived on own wits.
although not deaf then I had other problems like total fear of parents..
I made same promis my kids would never have upbringing I had...To this day I won't have brass in my house Saturday morning I had polish all brass in house and God help me if pin prick of dirt it was thrashing not slap
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I'm truly sorry if you're life was miserable as a child. My kids however, basically get whatever they want. Seriously, if anything, I do dode them a bit much sometimes, by rewarding them for hard work. As a result of their hard work in school, and help around the house, my girls have just about every hi tech gadget, and fashionable clothes their little hearts desire. All because they work hard and earned it.

A good example is when my daughter begged for 2 years to learn how to play piano. So, I made a deal with her. I would buy her a piano, but only if she took lessons. If she quits lessons, then I sell the piano. My point, was that if she wants me to spend thousands of dollars on a piano and lessons, she will learn how to play it properly and be committed to learning how to play such a beautiful instrument. She's been playing for 5 years, and still going. She loves it. Sometimes, she does get a bit bored with it, but still plugs away, because she progresses slowly as time goes on. She also does not want to lose her piano. ie. consequences to your actions and inherent laziness.

Same goes for spending $100,000 of insurance for a CI.

Funny thing. She even admitted to me this morning she really isn't to worried about other kids bothering her, because she has long hair, and you can't even see her wear the silly thing. She's staring to understand very quickly that no one cares if she has a CI, and it ain't no big deal.

I think the real main reason, is that partly she doesn't want to feel different, and also got just plain lazy.
 
Condor1970 said:
I'm truly sorry if you're life was miserable as a child. My kids however, basically get whatever they want. Seriously, if anything, I do dode them a bit much sometimes, by rewarding them for hard work. As a result of their hard work in school, and help around the house, my girls have just about every hi tech gadget, and fashionable clothes their little hearts desire. All because they work hard and earned it.

A good example is when my daughter begged for 2 years to learn how to play piano. So, I made a deal with her. I would buy her a piano, but only if she took lessons. If she quits lessons, then I sell the piano. My point, was that if she wants me to spend thousands of dollars on a piano and lessons, she will learn how to play it properly and be committed to learning how to play such a beautiful instrument. She's been playing for 5 years, and still going. She loves it. Sometimes, she does get a bit bored with it, but still plugs away, because she progresses slowly as time goes on. She also does not want to lose her piano. ie. consequences to your actions and inherent laziness.

Same goes for spending $100,000 of insurance for a CI.

Funny thing. She even admitted to me this morning she really isn't to worried about other kids bothering her, because she has long hair, and you can't even see her wear the silly thing. She's staring to understand very quickly that no one cares if she has a CI, and it ain't no big deal.

I think the real main reason, is that partly she doesn't want to feel different, and also got just plain lazy.
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You sure have a gift, for missing the point..
I grant you that..
 
Condor,
My mother was raised by a very physically abusive and emotionally abusive and manipulative mother.

I think that "touchy-feely" as long as it genuine, is important- not at all "nonsense" and loving has as much do with how you express things/feelings, etc, as to do with "what one does". They do NOT have to be exclusive.
True loving is not purely about coercion or manipulation or about performance.

and you missed my/others' points as well as Hoichi's-
 
dogmom said:
and you missed my/others' points as well as Hoichi's-
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Your points amount to projecting your own issues on a young lady you do not know and engaging in undue criticism of parenting that has been excellent when you stand back and look at it objectively. There is way too much "boo hoo, I suffered in my childhood and in school because I'm deaf" on this forum leading pushing a social life over preparing for life.

She wants to hear. Wanting to hear with a CI is like wanting to get in shape. It's not gonna happen sitting at home doing nothing. So any projection of "I want to be deaf, so I'm sure she wants to be left alone to be deaf" is off the mark.

She also needs to strengthen her sense of how she carries herself being what determines how people perceive her, not the other way around.
 
whatdidyousay! said:
And you can stop with your generalization ! I am a baby boomer and my mom didn't have one 'how to bring baby book' in the house and either did I with my baby ! The only Spock I grew up with was Mr. Spock.
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:dunno;
 
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