Is wanting deaf children cultural/parental?

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buttkisses

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I have noticed (maybe I am wrong) that many deaf couples prefer having a deaf child? Is this a cultural desire or a parental desire? Being a hearing child of an entirely deaf family, I heard this all my life. My parents often said they wished I were deaf. I have seen other deaf parents say the same of their hearing children. I am wondering, perhaps I am hurt for the wrong reasons?
 
buttkisses said:
I have noticed (maybe I am wrong) that many deaf couples prefer having a deaf child? Is this a cultural desire or a parental desire? Being a hearing child of an entirely deaf family, I heard this all my life. My parents often said they wished I were deaf. I have seen other deaf parents say the same of their hearing children. I am wondering, perhaps I am hurt for the wrong reasons?
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I was perfectly happy with my hearing children.

What is the reason you were hurt?
 
buttkisses said:
........... Being a hearing child of an entirely deaf family, I heard this all my life. My parents often said they wished I were deaf. I have seen other deaf parents say the same of their hearing children. I am wondering, perhaps I am hurt for the wrong reasons?
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It's funny because sometimes hearing parents that choose to go the CI route are accused of not accepting their children for who they are. I hope that your parents saying they wish you were deaf didn't make you feel like they didn't accept you for who you are. I don't know if it's cultural or parental. You should ask your parents.
 
I am not sure how to answer this. I mean, some deaf people believe it would be easier if their children are deaf. Same with hearing people with hearing children.

It is more of cultural desire.
 
I was very hurt because it made me feel like I didn't belong and they loved my siblings more because they were deaf. They showed it too, they would travel hours away for the deaf school programs for my siblings, but couldn't travel 5 miles to my school for mine because they were boring, because we sang. I am an adult now and have three children of my own and they all can hear, my daughter came down with an ear infection and my family was hoping she would become deaf, I ended all communication with my family. They could not understand why I was so hurt. They rejected my children but spend loads of time with their deaf grandchildren. I speak fluent ASL as it is my first language and my children do as well, but this was not enough. When they said to me as my daughter was getting her tubes put in, "I pray she is deaf" It was the first time I ever wanted to strike my parents. I just want my children healthy and happy.

But maybe I was wrong? I don't know any more.
 
That's sad.....Some parents, whether they are deaf or hearing....don't have the patience/qualifications or desire to raise a child not "normal" to them.

I felt "shut out" too! All my siblings were hearing.

I'm sure ur parents love ya regardless!....And at times, parents to say or do things just out of frustration....it must be hard on you....but you will be alright.
 
I think it is natural to want a child like yourself.

Deaf parents of hearing children are no acception.
 
dreama said:
I think it is natural to want a child like yourself.

Deaf parents of hearing children are no acception.
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Isn't that also saying if you are in a wheel chair you want children in a wheel chair, or blind, you want blind children?
 
I am sorry to hear about that. Have you told your parents how you feel?
 
buttkisses said:
I was very hurt because it made me feel like I didn't belong and they loved my siblings more because they were deaf. They showed it too, they would travel hours away for the deaf school programs for my siblings, but couldn't travel 5 miles to my school for mine because they were boring, because we sang. I am an adult now and have three children of my own and they all can hear, my daughter came down with an ear infection and my family was hoping she would become deaf, I ended all communication with my family. They could not understand why I was so hurt. They rejected my children but spend loads of time with their deaf grandchildren. I speak fluent ASL as it is my first language and my children do as well, but this was not enough. When they said to me as my daughter was getting her tubes put in, "I pray she is deaf" It was the first time I ever wanted to strike my parents. I just want my children healthy and happy.

But maybe I was wrong? I don't know any more.
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Lots of people grow away from their parents for different reasons as they grow up.

But if you don't want your children hurt by your parents attitude, withdrawal may be best for you.

My grandchildren are both hearing, but I confess to having had hope and expressed it also that my youngest granddaughter was deaf, but it turned out now that she is 4 months old she isn't. My daughter wasn't upset by my hope though.

You seem like you have really deep issues. Maybe you should try to get some counseling.
 
Brian said:
I am sorry to hear about that. Have you told your parents how you feel?
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I tried but they say I don't understand what it is like and that it is just as selfish for me to want my daughter to be able to hear, and they said I shouldn't feel hurt, I should be thankful I have two worlds. They really don't understand, and I refuse to allow them to make my children feel badly because they can hear. It's absurd! I had to grow up that way, they don't.

But I miss my family. I just wish there was a way to resolve it and perhaps i am no seeing things clearly, maybe I really just don't understand something?
 
I am not really sure how to put this...

Everyone is different. When I was born, my grandmother (who is hearing on my mom's side) wanted to put me into an institute, while my other grandma (who is on my dad's side) was grateful that she finally got a grandson that wasn't born out of wedlock (long story.)

The problem is that every parents are of different calibre. Some are willing to give it their all, others are just plain jerks! Some Deaf family are grateful for their children, while others will express their disappointment in different ways.

I know of one family that put their hearing child up for adoption, but kept their deaf children; however I know of many more hearing families that put their deaf children up for adoptions. So it's a two-way street.

I am sorry you have to go through that emotional and mental abuse of feeling you don't belong. No one should ever have to go through that, but yet it still persists in a lot of people.

I hope the whole experience didn't turn you away from Deaf culture. Some are real pricks, while others are the nicest you ever met.
 
Bottesini said:
Lots of people grow away from their parents for different reasons as they grow up.

But if you don't want your children hurt by your parents attitude, withdrawal may be best for you.

My grandchildren are both hearing, but I confess to having had hope and expressed it also that my youngest granddaughter was deaf, but it turned out now that she is 4 months old she isn't. My daughter wasn't upset by my hope though.

You seem like you have really deep issues. Maybe you should try to get some counseling.
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Thats what I am trying to understand, why did you want her to be deaf? What was different that your daughter understood that I don't?
 
buttkisses said:
Thats what I am trying to understand, why did you want her to be deaf? What was different that your daughter understood that I don't?
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Not that I wanted her to be so much, but she initially responded as if she were. And it felt to me like I would have a lot to relate to her and teach her and help her on her way in life that I can't do for a hearing child.

My daughter would have a different response from you as I never told my children I wished them any different than they were.

I also attended every school event, was a room mother, did every thing I could for them and gave unconditional love.
 
Yes it has turned me completely away from the deaf culture, only because my parents have made such a big deal about it in the deaf community and it seems I am the bad guy. I have no desire to hang out with the deaf like I did becuse now it's just a lynch mob. Everyone throws their 2 cents in and not in a very nice or understanding manor. No one is willing to listen to what I have to say or feel, it's I am hearing and I am automatically wrong. I left my feild in the deaf community too. I am asking all of you because I really do need serious insite that is not loacally bias.
 
I think that's awful buttkisses that your parents prayed for your child to become deaf and treated you as inferior cause of your hearing status. Unfortunately I think the vast majority of parents want children like themselves and don't care if it's at the cost of their child's identity.

I want to have kids and love them just the way they are. I couldn't care less if they're deafblind or sighted-hearing or whatever else.

I want to add that I don't think all Deaf people are extremist like the ones you describe. There certainly are Deaf people like that but there are others that don't let Deaf vs. hearing determine everything. Hopefully you'll get to meet some more middle-of-the-road folks.
 
If it help for insight:

I want a deaf child, however, not of my own flesh and blood since my deafness is not genetic. Why would I want one? It gives me the second chance to correct everything that people in my life messed up on. By having a deaf child, I can provide for all their needs-- in a way a hearing parent seldom could. The language, teaching them how to get interpreters, how to be self-advocate, not to be stuck in the abyss of trying to be hearing and so on.

To be honest, if I have a hearing child, I would have no clue what to do. The way my sister (hearing) and I grew up are completely different. However that wouldn't means I wouldn't give my best. I means every parents, in theory, should love their children, give their best and be there for them in every occasion.
 
buttkisses said:
Isn't that also saying if you are in a wheel chair you want children in a wheel chair, or blind, you want blind children?
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I think dreama is just trying to explain that what happens in the mainstream also happens within the Deaf community, that is, that parents desire children like themselves.
 
souggy said:
If it help for insight:

I want a deaf child, however, not of my own flesh and blood since my deafness is not genetic. Why would I want one? It gives me the second chance to correct everything that people in my life messed up on. By having a deaf child, I can provide for all their needs-- in a way a hearing parent seldom could. The language, teaching them how to get interpreters, how to be self-advocate, not to be stuck in the abyss of trying to be hearing and so on.

To be honest, if I have a hearing child, I would have no clue what to do. The way my sister (hearing) and I grew up are completely different. However that wouldn't means I wouldn't give my best. I means every parents, in theory, should love their children, give their best and be there for them in every occasion.
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So if I understand this right it is so you can feel more adequate as a parent? As well as heal all your past wrongs against you? I can understand that to a point. Wouldn't it be easier for your child in life to be hearing though? Why wouldn't you want that for your child? I am not trying to argue, I am really trying to understand this and your thinking. I apperciate your insite. It has helped because I never viewed some of your answer this way.
 
CJB said:
I think dreama is just trying to explain that what happens in the mainstream also happens within the Deaf community, that is, that parents desire children like themselves.
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So her answer is a cultural one...right?? That makes sense.
 
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