Is wanting deaf children cultural/parental?

[LDNanna]

 

[Bebonang]

I think I can understand your parents wanting to have a deaf child because they may have been experienced by the pressure of hearing people trying to get them to have devices for them to hear. The devices for the hearing aids and CI are not working and it was put a lot of pressure too much to handle to expect them to hear. Every Deaf parent like me wish to have a deaf child because we are comfortable to have them go through the experience of what is like to be deaf. You are hearing and you might have been ashamed of your parents and sibilings being deaf. I have a hearing son and he was ashamed of me being deaf and does not understand why I have to be deaf. He would probably want me to hear than being deaf, I suppose (I did not ask him about it, but I assumed that he was against deafness and want to be in the hearing peer). I think he was being making fun by his classmates and other people that they noticed that we were signing ASL. He refused to sign out in public. He wanted me to talk to him in public instead of signing. How do you feel about your whole family deaf if you did not understand what it is like to be deaf? Are you ashame just because you can hear? Right? If not, then I don't know what make you and your Deaf family separate because of difference of deafness and hearing. You should be lucky that you are just being the person you are and you will have to try to understand and let them know that you love them and understand where they are coming from. Going through mainstream schools and other public places had out a burden on us trying to make us hear with CI and Hearing Aids. Same with Speech thearpy which is a burden on us too. I know that you signed with your family and that is good. ASL and Deaf Culture is our cultures and being Deaf is beautiful and there is nothing wrong with being deaf and why do we have to suffer just because hearing people think that deafness is bad. It kept repeating over and over for a very long time to banish deafness. At first there was going to be change less than 20 years ago to have Sign Language and ASL intepreters in the classroom and other public places but it was for short while but then it was and is still right back again with AGB and other authorities who prefer lipreading and speech with no ASL interpreteration. This was and still is way beyond our frustration and unhappiness of what they are trying to do with us Deafies. We still have to fight back with the hearing people in getting our rights to have ASL and Deaf Culture. Sorry for the rant. But that is my opinion why Deaf people choose to have Deaf children. Maybe if you find a really quiet room with no noises in the way, maybe you can experience of what is like to be deaf. You might be able to understand their feelings. I hope you understand this and I did not mean to offend you in any way as you are the only hearing person in your family. Peace.

 

[Buffalo]

I have noticed (maybe I am wrong) that many deaf couples prefer having a deaf child? Is this a cultural desire or a parental desire? Being a hearing child of an entirely deaf family, I heard this all my life. My parents often said they wished I were deaf. I have seen other deaf parents say the same of their hearing children. I am wondering, perhaps I am hurt for the wrong reasons?

Now that is extreme on the flip side. Most I know would love it if their child is deaf because they can relate to the child more easily. I have no kids but I used to have this fear that my family would teach my child to be embarassed of me. That is why I like to live out of state. I think most of deaf parents would accept the kids as they are and they don't do anything to cause the child to go deaf although they might hope for that.

Are you sure your hearing status is what causing problems with your parents, not something else? Are your parents jesting you when they said they wish you are deaf? Like "I wish you were deaf so I don't wake you up with my noises in the morning"?

Like CJB said, Parents tend to want their children to be like them.

 

[Waxy]

I was very hurt because it made me feel like I didn't belong and they loved my siblings more because they were deaf. They showed it too, they would travel hours away for the deaf school programs for my siblings, but couldn't travel 5 miles to my school for mine because they were boring, because we sang. I am an adult now and have three children of my own and they all can hear, my daughter came down with an ear infection and my family was hoping she would become deaf, I ended all communication with my family. They could not understand why I was so hurt. They rejected my children but spend loads of time with their deaf grandchildren. I speak fluent ASL as it is my first language and my children do as well, but this was not enough. When they said to me as my daughter was getting her tubes put in, "I pray she is deaf" It was the first time I ever wanted to strike my parents. I just want my children healthy and happy.

But maybe I was wrong? I don't know any more.

So if I understand this right it is so you can feel more adequate as a parent? As well as heal all your past wrongs against you? I can understand that to a point. Wouldn't it be easier for your child in life to be hearing though? Why wouldn't you want that for your child? I am not trying to argue, I am really trying to understand this and your thinking. I apperciate your insite. It has helped because I never viewed some of your answer this way.

As the Deaf fellas put it straight right in the previews posts, I'll just add my limited and humble (hearing) opinion and thoughts.

I think you're right, and wrong at the same time.
I'll drop you one.
My wife started to think (since the time that she became fluent with the language) that she'd want a deaf child.
Now... that didnt seem weird at all to me.
I think that you have 2 ways of understand this.
You dont want your child deaf, because you know that Deaf ppl suffers a lot, in many ways that we all know.
The other side of the street, is your relatives. They know what's to suffer being deaf, BUT they also know what are the advantages of giving the deaf chid the right education so they can grow "normal"
Remember, "normal" today, is no longer "hearing" or "oral"... today normal is being able to having a well interaction in your community. Its being able to communicate and develope your cognitive potencial.

Now.
Of course this is 50% 50%, as I said.
In a point, your relatives wishes dont make any sense, since from the new perspective, is like my chinese relatives (hey, i could have some!) to ask me (beg me?) for a chinese child. That's crazy. But not because of chinese ppl, but because it doesnt make any sense to me. Im not chinese. why would i want a chinese child?
So. I think that all of you (as was well stated already) should sit and TALK. Talk long... in put things in the right perspective, and understand all of you, the several points of view that are there.
I hope i made sense, and, i didnt offend you.

 

[buttkisses]

Now that is extreme on the flip side. Most I know would love it if their child is deaf because they can relate to the child more easily. I have no kids but I used to have this fear that my family would teach my child to be embarassed of me. That is why I like to live out of state. I think most of deaf parents would accept the kids as they are and they don't do anything to cause the child to go deaf although they might hope for that.

Are you sure your hearing status is what causing problems with your parents, not something else? Are your parents jesting you when they said they wish you are deaf? Like "I wish you were deaf so I don't wake you up with my noises in the morning"?

Like CJB said, Parents tend to want their children to be like them.

They were not jesting, They told me several times over my childhood how disappointed they were. I was proud of my parents, for the longest time I didn't see anything different. I never got made fun of because my parents were deaf. They never really did anything with my school. I interpreted for them ever since I can remember. I was able to accept the hurt and just keep it to myself untiil they said and did things to my children. They don't spend time with them, however they spend lots of time with their deaf grandchildren. When they "prayed for my daughters deafneess" That was the last straw. Someone mentioned counseling, I did go to counseling and all they wanted to tell me is my parents were and are abusive and I suffered from negelect. I should move on without them. I have a hard time accepting this. I think counslers do not understand deaf culture either. That's why I am asking my questions here.

But I am starting to understand it was more than a cultural thing. My parents should of tried to meet me in my world too and they refused. They wouldn't even allow me to have a radio or play an insterment because it was unimportant to them and what they said a waste because they couldn't hear it. They didn't encourage me to thrive in my world at all beecause my world was unimportant, yet they used me as an interpreter all my life. I have a lot more thinking to do. your responses have been a wonderful help and I appeciate all the input. Thank you.

 

[Frisky Feline]

I have been reading all of your comments. I totally understand where you are coming from. it seems to me, that is more of both cultural and parental mixed. :|
I am curious, have you ever hang out with other hearing people who have deaf parents and talk with other hearing people about it? Just wonder to see what other hearing people think of your situation when you were growing up?
I know every deaf parents have different opinions. same thing for hearing parents who have different opinions too. some are unfortunate. I d love to hear more of your posts if possible.

 

[buttkisses]

I have been reading all of your comments. I totally understand where you are coming from. it seems to me, that is more of both cultural and parental mixed. :|
I am curious, have you ever hang out with other hearing people who have deaf parents and talk with other hearing people about it? Just wonder to see what other hearing people think of your situation when you were growing up?
I know every deaf parents have different opinions. same thing for hearing parents who have different opinions too. some are unfortunate. I d love to hear more of your posts if possible.

yes I have spoken to many CODAs about it and sadly some have the same problem I do and cannot speak up because they know it will start a war in their family so they just suffer with it. I know CODAS that have deaf children and their experiances are just overwhelming. One CODA with a deaf child said to me she was hurt because her parents seem to be so involved in her childs life but were never really involved in her life. For me, I love my parents, but I cannot just swallow the pain any more. It really hurts to see what they are willing to say and do to my children. I have spoke to some CODAs and they had a great childhood...parents involved, but I noticed those CODAS had at least one parent that was HoH.
It all depends on the deaf family I guess.

I have tried everything to "straighten" myself out but I think it is impossiable. I am rasing my children as a loving parent and the love I have for my children cannot be understood by my parents. They won't go to school plays because it's boring, they talk too much, my son's graduation they wouldn't go because that meant they would have to sit and watch a boring event, even though there was an interpreter provided. Yet they will travel hours to the deaf school to watch my nieces and nephews play basketball...It's just too hard to accept and watch.

I am a CODA that had to learn how to speak orally, my ENTIRE family on my father's side is deaf. We spent time with my fathers side growing up and rarely spent time with the hearing side of the family. For a while my parents thought I was deaf, until I had a hearing test at 3yrs. I guess thats when I was a let down. It's almost like they are treating me the way so many deaf get treated in a hearing family, ignored and I am unimportant. My feelings don't matter. It burns me up pretty bad, because they (my parents) are the first to cry foul when they meet a hurdle in life because they are deaf, or will support any deaf that had a hearing family that didn't "try" to make them feel a part of the family. They are doing the same thing to me. There are Several CODAS that are going through similar things that I am. When I try to speak up, from the railing (seeing both worlds) I get shot down everytime by the Deaf and the hearing alike. The deaf see me as someone who is angry and trying to "change their culture" and the hearing look at me like I am just a freak when I stand up for what I see.

In my world, the deaf here in my town are only interested in my hands and my ears, not what my mind or my insight has to offer. I was even told my opinions don't count but if I suddenly went deaf tomorrow they would have more merit because then I would KNOW what it is like to be deaf...umm I do know..not in the physical form, but I lived through the barriers with my family and I can see the world through their eyes. I have been mistaken for a deaf person and played along just to see how I would be treated..It was an eye opener as well! The deaf treated me SO WELL! and the hearing people did not always!! It was a flip world for me. It is a frustrating world, instead of taking my insites as a hearing person with a unique view of both worlds and learning from it, they shut me out because I can physically hear and that = mistrust.

 

[jillio]

I was very hurt because it made me feel like I didn't belong and they loved my siblings more because they were deaf. They showed it too, they would travel hours away for the deaf school programs for my siblings, but couldn't travel 5 miles to my school for mine because they were boring, because we sang. I am an adult now and have three children of my own and they all can hear, my daughter came down with an ear infection and my family was hoping she would become deaf, I ended all communication with my family. They could not understand why I was so hurt. They rejected my children but spend loads of time with their deaf grandchildren. I speak fluent ASL as it is my first language and my children do as well, but this was not enough. When they said to me as my daughter was getting her tubes put in, "I pray she is deaf" It was the first time I ever wanted to strike my parents. I just want my children healthy and happy.

But maybe I was wrong? I don't know any more.

Perhaps it is not so much that they loved them more, but that they felt they could interact with them easier. I understand your frustration and your hurt, but try to take a step back and understand how many experiences of rejection the deaf/Deaf have experienced, historically, by the hearing. It is a natural cultural phenomena that they would bind together and feel more secure with those that are like them.

It really is no different than when a hearing parent says, "I implanted my child so they would be a part of my world, and learn to communicate with the hearing world. I implanted my hearing child to increase their opportunities in the hearing world."

You are simply seeing the other side.

 

[shel90]

I don't think you are wrong to feel hurt. I felt the same when my family had expressed ttheir wishes that I was hearing and refused to acklowledged me as a deaf person. No family, whether deaf or hearing should do that to their children. I have hearing children and not once I wished that they were deaf. Their hearing status do not matter to me just as if they had been born deaf. I will give them both ASL and spoken English regardless.

Your story is very touching and heartbreaking.

 

[buttkisses]

I don't think you are wrong to feel hurt. I felt the same when my family had expressed that I was hearing and refused to acklowledged me as a deaf person. No family, whether deaf or hearing should do that to their children. I have hearing children and not once I wished that they were deaf. Their hearing status do not matter to me just as if they had been born deaf. I will give them both ASL and spoken English regardless.

Your story is very touching and heartbreaking.

This is how I love my children. Regardless. unconditional. My counslers have said what you have. This was a form of abuse. I don't know if they mean to do it, but they refuse to change it. They just keep saying "Deaf proud" and make it seem like I am not proud that they are Deaf, I am not proud of them because they are Deaf, I am proud of them for being strong enough to cope with the frustrations that life has given them, I am proud of them because they are my parents. Deafness has nothing to do with it, but I cannot make them understand that either. When I ask them if they are proud of me as a hearing person they say yes we are proud you can sign to us and you are a wonderful interpreter. They just won't get it. Or they really can't. When I ask if they are proud of me as their daughter they say, they wish I were deaf. I give up. I have come to understand I really don't fit anywhere and neither side is willing to be open enough to accept someone like me. All because I have the PHYSICAL ability to hear and the mental ability to see. Deaf people see me as an angry person or someone to mistrust because of past hearing behaviors, and the hearing world does not have the ability to understand my situation without extensive education on deaf culture.

Maybe it is best to try and start my life over again with focus on my children and what I know is right for me in my heart, and that doesn't include my parents or my deaf family and forget thats where I came from and try to fit in a world that will accept me without my deaf past. I only live once and I am tired of being on the sidelines. All I ever wanted was what was best for both worlds, but that was never good enough for either side.

 

[Bottesini]

Maybe it is best to try and start my life over again with focus on my children and what I know is right for me in my heart, and that doesn't include my parents or my deaf family and forget thats where I came from and try to fit in a world that will accept me without my deaf past. I only live once and I am tired of being on the sidelines. All I ever wanted was what was best for both worlds, but that was never good enough for either side.

THis last paragraph, the way I see it , really has to be the way to go. You have too much bitterness and anger towards your parents to have a good relationship.

This is going to rub off on your children and ruin their happiness. And your main responsibility now, is to forget yourself and be a positive role model and protector of your children.

You need to move on.

 

[buttkisses]

THis last paragraph, the way I see it , really has to be the way to go. You have too much bitterness and anger towards your parents to have a good relationship.

This is going to rub off on your children and ruin their happiness. And your main responsibility now, is to forget yourself and be a positive role model and protector of your children.

You need to move on.

It's not anger, or bitterness, it's just plain old hurt. Thank you for all your input. I do apperciate it.

 

[faire_jour]

I was very hurt because it made me feel like I didn't belong and they loved my siblings more because they were deaf. They showed it too, they would travel hours away for the deaf school programs for my siblings, but couldn't travel 5 miles to my school for mine because they were boring, because we sang. I am an adult now and have three children of my own and they all can hear, my daughter came down with an ear infection and my family was hoping she would become deaf, I ended all communication with my family. They could not understand why I was so hurt. They rejected my children but spend loads of time with their deaf grandchildren. I speak fluent ASL as it is my first language and my children do as well, but this was not enough. When they said to me as my daughter was getting her tubes put in, "I pray she is deaf" It was the first time I ever wanted to strike my parents. I just want my children healthy and happy.

But maybe I was wrong? I don't know any more.

I am so sorry your parents treated you this way. I am hearing but I have a Deaf daughter. I do not intend to have anymore children because they will be hearing. I do not want my daughter to feel singled out and alone because of her hearing status, but that is exactly what your parents did. I'm sorry. You are right, they were very wrong to treat you this way.

 

[buttkisses]

I am so sorry your parents treated you this way. I am hearing but I have a Deaf daughter. I do not intend to have anymore children because they will be hearing. I do not want my daughter to feel singled out and alone because of her hearing status, but that is exactly what your parents did. I'm sorry. You are right, they were very wrong to treat you this way.

Thank you, however I guess it depends on what side of the rail you are on if I am right or wrong. You are doing a wonderful unselfish thing for your child! Thinking about HER world and doing what is best for her, that is what my mind and heart tells me is the way a parent should be. You are a wonderful parent!! I guess I just want my parents to understand how I can see the way they raised me, and just understand it hurt and what they are doing to my children hurt. They cannot. Nor will they change their views on it, they are very culturally proud and I think it blinds them. If I speak up, I am angry or I just want to change their pride or something I don't know. The Deaf culture is unique and at times very cruel, as they can say the hearing world is the same. It's a no win situation for me, even here some people have misunderstood me as an angry person, with bitterness and I am not. However if I were a deaf child saying the exact same things about hearing parents, they would be blaming the parent and saying the parent was angry and bitter because I was born deaf. Do you see my point? Some say my parents abused me emotionally while others say they do it because I am not like them so I should just understand. I am a very confused person, and I really do think it is time to walk away from all my deaf ties. I already started, I quit my job. I want to move and just start a life where it is ok to just be me, and people accept me for who I am and not my ears or my hands.

Keep doing what is best for your child, don't worry about what is accepted in either world, your child will grow up and love you for it. You care about HER and not what everyone else thinks. I admire you for loving the way you do and I wish more could see it the way I do.

 

[shel90]

I know so many culturally Deaf people with hearing children but not once did they ever express that they wished their children were deaf. I mean their children's hearing status didnt seem a big deal to them and their children never showed any anger or bitterness about not being accepted by their Deaf parents. However, I do know Deaf people who do not have children yet who have expressed their desires for deaf children. Wait and see when they have kids and see how they react.

 

[Gobae]

Isn't that also saying if you are in a wheel chair you want children in a wheel chair, or blind, you want blind children?

Deafness just doesn't compare to those types of disabilities. From what I've seen deafness seems to be more of a annoyance than truly disabling. More like being left-handed or shorter than average.

Quite frankly I'm very happy that my granddaughter is left-handed. And if I had to choose, I'd certainly pick deafness over the Cystic Fibrosis she was born with.

 

[Lighthouse77]

I have noticed (maybe I am wrong) that many deaf couples prefer having a deaf child? Is this a cultural desire or a parental desire? Being a hearing child of an entirely deaf family, I heard this all my life. My parents often said they wished I were deaf. I have seen other deaf parents say the same of their hearing children. I am wondering, perhaps I am hurt for the wrong reasons?

I can tell you one thing, raising a hearing child is hard on me. The standard how a hearing child should speak and write is higher.. The teacher make him bring home his English homework, but I don't know how to help him without his work being graded wrong. With a deaf child, we are at the same level. But don't worry, your parents love you very much. And as long as you treat their deafness as a treasure, and not look down upon or something to hide, then your relationship with them will improve. I love my hearing child very much.

 

[faire_jour]

I can tell you one thing, raising a hearing child is hard on me. The standard how a hearing child should speak and write is higher.. The teacher make him bring home his English homework, but I don't know how to help him without his work being graded wrong. With a deaf child, we are at the same level. But don't worry, your parents love you very much. And as long as you treat their deafness as a treasure, and not look down upon or something to hide, then your relationship with them will improve. I love my hearing child very much.

I hope this is untrue. I expect my Deaf daughter to write every bit as well as a hearing child.

 

[Frisky Feline]

I can tell you one thing, raising a hearing child is hard on me. The standard how a hearing child should speak and write is higher.. The teacher make him bring home his English homework, but I don't know how to help him without his work being graded wrong. With a deaf child, we are at the same level. But don't worry, your parents love you very much. And as long as you treat their deafness as a treasure, and not look down upon or something to hide, then your relationship with them will improve. I love my hearing child very much.

Same here.
I love my two hearing kids very much.

 

[faire_jour]

Why is it ok to say that having a hearing child is hard, that it is a lot of work, that it is hard to help them with work in their native language (which is different than yours) is difficult, and even expressing a desire for Deaf kid? But if a hearing parent said these things about ASL and a deaf child, they would be seen as lazy and ungreatful and a bad parent? Isn't it the same thing??