mrk08

Hi all, hope everyone's doing well! Just wondering if anyone here have any advice on how to approach girls and just have a conversation with them (which could lead to getting her number or maybe even something more haha). I'm HOH and still have quite a bit of hearing left, so I can hear relatively well in quiet situations. I don't sign, and I have good speech. The only thing that's troublesome for me are group situations and background noise (both of which are present at bars/clubs/parties etc)

I have an FM system (the Phonak SmartLink+) that would really help in noisy situations, but it seems like in my head it would be awkward to just ask the girl to use it right away. And if the girl's not interested, that would make things even more awkward (i.e. "Um yeah, nice meeting ya!" *hands back mic and runs away* ).

Anyone here have similar experiences and wouldn't mind sharing how they dealt with it? Maybe I should try to come up with a smooth way of letting the girl know about my hearing loss? Any comments would be much appreciated!

Deafness

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kellycat

You could try to get your flirt on at a coffee shop. A lot less noise than a bar, and you don't have to worry about it being the alcohol talking as you get to know her.

In a bar, the microphone might weird her out if you just walk up randomly...I'm pretty sure she'd think it was some sort of weirdo stalker thing that you wanted to record her. That would be super weird. Maybe approach, make small talk (should be easy enough to fake even if you can't hear her well) and then just say that you are really having a hard time hearing in the bar and could you call her and chat later? A quick easy way to get digits, and you won't spend all night working on chatting her up to ask for her number.

Kelly

mrk08

LOL. This was exactly what I was thinking. But your idea of small talk does sound like a good idea. But I think I would have to be intriguing enough to get her to give me her number. I know it'll probably depend on the girl, but do you have any suggestions on what I could say or do to get her interested in me (and that doesn't come off as too creepy lol).

Also, should I mention right off the back that I am HOH but will try my best to hear rather than wait a few minutes and fake the small talk, and then mention it? Because if I just say that I'm having trouble hearing after a few minutes, she'll wonder if I even heard what she was saying and then she'll know that I was faking. Unless do a balance...ask her to repeat at certain times, and then pretend I heard at some other times so that I don't seem too annoying.

deafdyke

Are you HOH from birth/early age? One thing you could do if you were HOH as a kid, is learn ASL as a second language so you can take advantage of the dating pool of other dhh women.

kellycat

Well, it depends on the girl. If she is a supermodel who probably gets hit on all the time, you're right, you would really have to stand out with the small talk. And, frankly, if you are super gorgeous that would help too! First impressions are really all you get in a bar anyhow. But if a pleasant-looking guy came up and said "Hi", introduced himself to me, asked me some simple questions (what do you do for a living? do you live here in town? do you watch the Packers? etc.) I would be totally flattered. If we kind of hit it off right away, I'd give my digits. You never really get to know the person at the bar anyhow, that just serves as a weirdo-deterrent.

Do you wear HA? I don't know it would hurt to point it out as to why you can't hear well in all the noise. If she doesn't sign and knows nothing about deaf/hh anything, it could throw her, but if the conversation seems "normal" I can't imagine it would totally turn her off or weird her out. I would guess that if you can speak clearly and understand her when she speaks, and she isn't totally shallow, it probably would be okay. Just tell her that you'd like to chat more, but would prefer to get to know her in a quieter environment (and then maybe propose a coffee date--again, nice and quiet!)

Lots of gals keep the future "marriage" idea in the back of their minds. So if she is Deaf-ignorant, and meets a Deaf person who signs or doesn't communicate well orally, that is a HUGE change from what she was picturing for her mate. A lot of girls won't see past that. And it will save you a lot of time and money by finding that out right away that they're not right for you. You probably wouldn't have liked her that much after getting to know her anyhow.

But if the impression she gets is that you're pretty much "normal" but may just need the TV turned up louder, then she probably can fit you into her image. THEN, once she gets to know you, she may realize what your hearing loss means, and you're worth the effort to change her preconceived plan.

Don't give up. The right gal is out there. I have pretty much decided that I'm not likely to meet Mr. Right in a bar. I am NOT the gal that guys go up to and flirt with. I am guessing it will come from meeting through a friend or an activity I do. At least we would for sure have SOMETHING in common.

mrk08

Thanks for your insight Kelly! I do wear HA so I guess it would be easy to explain why I can't hear and then suggest that we either move to a quieter place or ask for her number so that we could continue the convo later over a coffee date.

But then you make a good point that meeting a potential mate in a bar or a club is not really ideal (for several obvious reasons). Meeting someone through a friend or a common activity does sound more my cup of tea since I really don't have any idea how to approach a random girl and flirt with her (not to mention that I'd be terrified of rejection). But I have heard that there's a window of time in which the guy would have to make his move before the girl would think that he's not interested and then slide him into the "friend zone". Is there any truth to this at all, or again does it depend on the girl?

JabberJay

I'm engaged to a guy that was in my "friends zone" I think it depends on the girl.

For myself I rather get to know the person as a friend first before dating them, that way I know what I'm getting into and if they are worth it or not.

Some girls however would not date a friend because they do not want to ruin a friendship, I can't really understand that idea because I tried that myself and couldn't get it to work.

Best piece of advice I could give someone which I give to everyone is, Go make friends, join clubs, volunteer, take classes, have friends introduce you to people. Get to know the person. If it's love at first sight then great, but maybe you might know the person for 1 week or a year and a love will grow.
you never know what will happen, but you can help the odds by getting involved in the process.

My fiance found out I have a little hearing loss when I told the entire group, we needed a round table so I could see everybody. This was before I started dating him. He acted normal and we just hit it off as friends.
1 player left the group, another had a deaf fetish so the group quickly dropped him.
So out of 8 people 6 were ok with it.
Had to deal with some of the misconceptions for about a month though.
After about a year Lee asked me out (I might have done a little poking first) because the seed of love just grew.
And the group is still together with no harm done.

Maybe a seed is what you need?

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VacationGuy234

Online dating works well. For a first date set a meeting in a quiet, romantic location that is still public enough so your date feel secure.

How you approach it depends on what you are going to do so think about it first.

It's not easy, but it is doable.

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JabberJay

Dating is never easy, anyone who tells you it is, is a liar

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sallylou

You could take up ASL and go to ASL socials. Depending on where you live, there are many social opportunities. Lots of HOH people there just like you.

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kellycat

I have this exact "friend zone" thing going on right now. I have been hanging out with a guy, usually with other people too, not just the two of us. I really enjoy his company,and would kind of like to try dating him. But I have NO idea if he would be interested in me. I am waaaaaay to shy to ask a guy out in general, but also don't want to ask because it could make friendship awkward if he says no. I'm not worried about if we were to date and later break up things would be awkward later, but I don't want him always thinking that I like him more than he likes me. That is where I would see awkwardness. I would prefer to have him as a friend over not having him in my life, so I have not come right out and said anything.

So I am trying to drop hints, however, like many guys I know, he doesn't work well with subtle. So the fact that we have been hanging out so much I am just going to ask him (when I see a good opportunity) if he was interested in more because I just didn't want to miss a signal he might be giving. Blame it on the guys I have known and hung out with in the past.

One guy I dated asked me where we were in a relationship. I liked him, but really didn't find him attractive. I said that, in a polite way, and he never called me again. That didn't bother me much, because I had just met him recently online, and we didn't run in the same circles, so we never saw each other.

Let me ask one back to you. If a girl who you had become friends with said she might be interested in dating, how would you reply? What if you weren't interested? Could you still be friends without it being weird?

det107

Could I trouble you to clarify this statement-

mrk08

That's a tough one to answer. I think that the guy should be the one to ask out a girl, but that's just my opinion. If a girl that I had no interest in suggested dating, I would be flattered, but I think I can continue being friends with her. But I'm not sure whether the girl would be comfortable with that. I guess you gotta ask yourself whether you can handle the possibility of a rejection and still be friends without it being weird.

Most guys suck at reading signals given off by girls...they are really subtle and hard to pick up on. You might just have to make it a bit more obvious that you're interested in him. He might be shy as well and may not show interest unless he's picking something up from you.

JabberJay

he had a sexual fetish for people who wear hearing aids or who can not hear as well as the general population.
He did not care about personality, he only cared that I cannot hear well. The fact that I read lips most of the time and cannot understand people unless I face them is a huge turn on for him.

yeah most guys can't understand the hints women give, or don't notice them at all. you need to be a little more blunt, maybe ask him to hang out alone sometimes, like at the movies and fun stuff.

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kellycat

That's what I was afraid of. Okay, Operation Be More Assertive commencing now.

det107

Like some 'power trip' for him ?? In other words, a REAL creep-

Nanelle

Speaking as a hearing girl, it wouldn't bother me at all if you were to say up front that you're HOH, or if you asked me to use the mic. Being HOH is part of who you are, so why should you have to be at any kind of disadvantage on a date, even if it's only for a short time? I know not all people would say the same thing, but that's not to say that there aren't people out there who would be comfortable either way. You've got to do what's comfortable for you

DeafTim

Im probably last guy on earth know anything about dating. Thank goodness for strip clubs. They love me there b/c I have the cash.

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JabberJay

yeah like Viagra for him actually. Apparently he told the others he had a hard time being in the same room as me without .....
well you can figure it out. That was the last straw that made the others kick him out of the dorm room.

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kellycat

I agree with you...if it is on a date after we made initial contact. I am familiar with FM units, so it might not throw ME, but the average woman would find it bizarre if some strange guy in a bar gave them a microphone to use, don't you think?

mrk08

Maybe that's the problem...I'd appear to be a stranger. But what if she's a friend of a friend and I'm being introduced to her? My friend could just explain that I have a hearing loss and the mic will help me to hear. Then I would come off as less creepy.

dereksbicycles

For what it's worth, maybe your date will have a family member, relative, friend(s), or someone she/he used to know long time ago who is deaf.

I know nothing about mic or CART as I wouldn't benefit from them, but please just be yourself on a date. It'll help your self esteem.

kellycat

Yeah, Mrk, if it's a friend of a friend that gives you credibility already. It's proof that you aren't some total creep. That pretty much goes for everything though, not just the FM system.

And yeah, Derek, you're right too--I certainly don't say to not be yourself. I wouldn't suggest he hide or deny hearing loss. Just that in the 2.4 seconds you have to make that first impression, passing a microphone might not be it. After a moment or two of flirting if there is a vibe there, THEN say, "Y'know I'm HOH and it's really hard for me to hear in this noise. Can you use this microphone that transmits to my HAs?" Some girls might just say, "Uh, nevermind" and walk away. But I'd guess most girls would be receptive. They just may need a moment to process it, and if they've already decided you're a potential date (trust me, we make that initial decision really quickly) they will make that effort. Girls are not expecting an FM system, so they should be given some benefit of the doubt in hesitating or being taken aback.

It's like if you took a girl to your turbocharged car, and all she knows is that they use more gas. Maybe she's really environmentally conscious. So you just tell her you have a super awesome car although don't tell her right away it's turbocharged. Then she goes for a ride with you and sees how awesome it is, she will totally fall in love with it and only want turbocharged cars after that. But if you told her in the first instant it was a turbocharged car, she would have walked away and never know what she's missing.

justcool

yep but start by telling her you have a hearing loss that way she is prepared as i found out to my loss after 10 months beig with her by trying to hide it but online dating is great I love it.

DeafCaroline

I think it's a lot harder for deaf guys to date hearing women than it is for deaf women to date hearing guys.

Hearing women put a lot of importance on easy fluid communication and they tend to be much more judgmental of speaking skills because of the importance they place on spoken communication.

AJWSmith

As a HOH man who dated and then married a hearing lady, I used the friendship route. Not as a cynical pick-up tactic - I'm just not comfortable going up to strangers and trying to hit on them. Rather it helped women to see who I really was and gave them time to decide whether they'd like spend more time in my company. Sadly some hearing woman will not want to date you solely because you are deaf. Happily I can say from experience there are some that will.

P.S. As an oral mainstreamed deafie, I never met another deaf/HOH woman - was always surrounded by hearies. But it would have been an attractive option if I had known any.

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mrk08

I think it depends on how much hearing loss you have and how well you can speak. My hearing is still good enough to carry on a conversation in a quiet situation (and some light background noise situations), and I am able to speak quite well. I actually consider myself to be more hearing than deaf. I would say that confidence and the ability to be comfortable around hearing people helps a lot.

But I should emphasize that while I consider myself more hearing than deaf, I would be open to dating someone who is deaf or HOH. I think I would be able to relate to them on a completely different level than with the hearing people that I normally hang around with. I just haven't had many opportunities to meet them since I'm busy with grad school right now. I'll probably check out some DHH associations once things settle down a bit.

mrk08

kellycat, I just stumbled across an article that's pretty relevant for whether or not the girl should initiate: Women Who Initiate Relationships with Men: Postfeminist Dating Mistake No. 1 - Yahoo! Voices - voices.yahoo.com

marky b

I met my wife on match.com and she is the absolute perfect person for me. Chatting up random women is always a bit of a long shot.

kellycat

Thanks, mrk...I kind of deep down figured it was a "he's just not that into you" sort of situation. But we're good friends and that is fine.