Why is it that relationships with age gaps seem to spark such fear in people?

[November Gypsy]

Obviously, I'm not talking about under-age girls dating 40-year-old men. I'm talking about legal, but sizeable age gaps. My husband and I are 16 years apart. I'm 23 and he's 39. We are very happy and very much in love. We rarely argue, and when we do, it's never a yelling sort of thing. How many couples can say that? Yes, of course, there are challenges. There are times when he's experienced something and so doesn't understand why I get excited about it...and there are times when I can be a little childish. Yes, I'm still forming who I am and he's basically settling down, but we've been married two years, and yes, I am still learning, but rather then love him less, I love him more. On the whole, we are really great for each other. What I want to know is why this seems to be such a huge issue for people who aren't in the relationship? I mean,his parents are fine with it and love me, and my parents don't mind the age gap (but don't really get along with him...that's another story). It's people we don't know or barely know that give the looks or make the comments. I've had a former employeer ask if he ever feels guilty about robbing the cradle. How rude is that? Again, I'm not talking about children dating adults...but adults dating and marrying adults. I can't understand why people insist there must be something wrong when there isn't. And, no, I'm not a gold digger...we don't have much at all in fact as far as things go, but we have a wonderful relationship and a beautiful baby, and I think that counts for more then anything you can buy.

So what do you think? Why this huge stigma and open bad attitudes?

 

[Em903]

Obviously, I'm not talking about under-age girls dating 40-year-old men. I'm talking about legal, but sizeable age gaps. My husband and I are 16 years apart. I'm 23 and he's 39. We are very happy and very much in love. We rarely argue, and when we do, it's never a yelling sort of thing. How many couples can say that? Yes, of course, there are challenges. There are times when he's experienced something and so doesn't understand why I get excited about it...and there are times when I can be a little childish. Yes, I'm still forming who I am and he's basically settling down, but we've been married two years, and yes, I am still learning, but rather then love him less, I love him more. On the whole, we are really great for each other. What I want to know is why this seems to be such a huge issue for people who aren't in the relationship? I mean,his parents are fine with it and love me, and my parents don't mind the age gap (but don't really get along with him...that's another story). It's people we don't know or barely know that give the looks or make the comments. I've had a former employeer ask if he ever feels guilty about robbing the cradle. How rude is that? Again, I'm not talking about children dating adults...but adults dating and marrying adults. I can't understand why people insist there must be something wrong when there isn't. And, no, I'm not a gold digger...we don't have much at all in fact as far as things go, but we have a wonderful relationship and a beautiful baby, and I think that counts for more then anything you can buy.

So what do you think? Why this huge stigma and open bad attitudes?

I can totally understand what you're saying! My exbf was 26 when I met him and I was 18. Even with THAT small (but some consider big) age difference, I got teased relentlessly. Same as you, not a gold digger, grew up poor and know the importance of saving money. In HS I was named "Most likely to marry an old man for money" I don't give a crap about it. And it was only because I was seeing an older man.

Now I am seeing a wonderful man who is 40 and I am 22, very close to you and your husband's age range! People I think make comments because people do not understand what you have together. Like me, you have always been mature, yes? Ahead of your peers? Those peers don't understand that's why. It's easy to scoff at something if it seems too far fetched. And same, I got the "robbing the cradle" comment too. It is rude. I just brush it off.

What it comes down to is this: you love your husband, he loves you, your families love you both and you have a child together. So who gives a flying you-know-what if people are rude/crass/not understanding of it. It's that you have each other is what counts!

 

[JamieLynn]

One of my friends who is actually three years older than me is dating a 25y old guy and they are about to have a baby any day now (baby was due April 1st...) :shrug: I'm anxiously waiting for some good news

I have never looked in a weird way or judged other people / couples when it comes to their age. If they are happy that is the most important thing anyway!

I simply respect that other people have different pov's... No matter what you'll always find people that disagree with you whether it's the age difference / race / religion... the list is endless. If you found your perfect match, go with it

Jamie's two cents

 

[Babyblue]

I am 4 years older than my hubby.

 

[November Gypsy]

I can totally understand what you're saying! My exbf was 26 when I met him and I was 18. Even with THAT small (but some consider big) age difference, I got teased relentlessly. Same as you, not a gold digger, grew up poor and know the importance of saving money. In HS I was named "Most likely to marry an old man for money" I don't give a crap about it. And it was only because I was seeing an older man.

Now I am seeing a wonderful man who is 40 and I am 22, very close to you and your husband's age range! People I think make comments because people do not understand what you have together. Like me, you have always been mature, yes? Ahead of your peers? Those peers don't understand that's why. It's easy to scoff at something if it seems too far fetched. And same, I got the "robbing the cradle" comment too. It is rude. I just brush it off.

What it comes down to is this: you love your husband, he loves you, your families love you both and you have a child together. So who gives a flying you-know-what if people are rude/crass/not understanding of it. It's that you have each other is what counts!

Loved hearing from you! It's great to know someone else is out there! I was having a bad day with it yesterday. Normally, I can let it go without to much of a fuss, but yesterday, I noted our new neighbors whispering (obviously, I couldn't hear them) but then one asked me later in the day if it made me uncomfortable that people thought Jason (hubby) was my dad. It just set me off about it. It's really not fair because, you know, we really are very happy with each other. Yes, I was more mature then my peers in school. I haven't really made a habit of older men...but Jason just sort of happened and I'm not about to complain! The worst thing, I think, is when people assume that he is doing something wrong...when, by heaven, he is a wonderful husband and a great daddy. Anyway, thanks for letting me share your experience...I wish you lots of happiness with your guy! Thanks again!

 

[November Gypsy]

One of my friends who is actually three years older than me is dating a 25y old guy and they are about to have a baby any day now (baby was due April 1st...) :shrug: I'm anxiously waiting for some good news

I have never looked in a weird way or judged other people / couples when it comes to their age. If they are happy that is the most important thing anyway!

I simply respect that other people have different pov's... No matter what you'll always find people that disagree with you whether it's the age difference / race / religion... the list is endless. If you found your perfect match, go with it

Jamie's two cents

I love Jamie's two cent. You are always (as far as I've seen) kind and cheerful in your responses, and I makes me feel good to read them. Thanks! Congrats to your friend! I wish everyone could see things the way you do!

 

[Lighthouse77]

Obviously, I'm not talking about under-age girls dating 40-year-old men. I'm talking about legal, but sizeable age gaps. My husband and I are 16 years apart. I'm 23 and he's 39. We are very happy and very much in love. We rarely argue, and when we do, it's never a yelling sort of thing. How many couples can say that? Yes, of course, there are challenges. There are times when he's experienced something and so doesn't understand why I get excited about it...and there are times when I can be a little childish. Yes, I'm still forming who I am and he's basically settling down, but we've been married two years, and yes, I am still learning, but rather then love him less, I love him more. On the whole, we are really great for each other. What I want to know is why this seems to be such a huge issue for people who aren't in the relationship? I mean,his parents are fine with it and love me, and my parents don't mind the age gap (but don't really get along with him...that's another story). It's people we don't know or barely know that give the looks or make the comments. I've had a former employeer ask if he ever feels guilty about robbing the cradle. How rude is that? Again, I'm not talking about children dating adults...but adults dating and marrying adults. I can't understand why people insist there must be something wrong when there isn't. And, no, I'm not a gold digger...we don't have much at all in fact as far as things go, but we have a wonderful relationship and a beautiful baby, and I think that counts for more then anything you can buy.

So what do you think? Why this huge stigma and open bad attitudes?

I think it is more likely because people don't understand why anyone would date someone old enough to be his daughter.

There are cases where people feel older men will take advantage of young women. And sometimes it is true if the girl don't know much about guys. Especially if all they think about is sex and don't really care for the girl. And sometimes they think older men go for looks instead of love (young, healthy child-bearing look vs 35 years old with some age to it)

 

[deafbajagal]

Some of my close friends will tease me by saying I have 'old man fetish' or something because in general, I've dated guys who were much older than me. When I was in 7th grade, I dated a senior in high school...when I was 17, the guy was 39...when I was 19, the guy was 43...and so on...ironically I end up being married to someone who is almost my age - LOL. I'm 30 and he's 32. Haha. Still older than me so it counts!

 

[JamieLynn]

I love Jamie's two cent. You are always (as far as I've seen) kind and cheerful in your responses, and I makes me feel good to read them. Thanks! Congrats to your friend! I wish everyone could see things the way you do!

Fore me (although I might be wrong here) they are many people who weren't taught that people in general have different taste / different povs / different opinions... just think differently... :shrug:

That's the way it is! Different people, different cultures,... there will always be people disagreeing with you whether you like it or not. What you need to learn is to accept that their are differences and ignore those people who annoy you in case you don't see things the same way they do...

They're just :roll:

End of story...

And thanks for your kind words Any time here for you

Jamie

 

[Em903]

Loved hearing from you! It's great to know someone else is out there! I was having a bad day with it yesterday. Normally, I can let it go without to much of a fuss, but yesterday, I noted our new neighbors whispering (obviously, I couldn't hear them) but then one asked me later in the day if it made me uncomfortable that people thought Jason (hubby) was my dad. It just set me off about it. It's really not fair because, you know, we really are very happy with each other. Yes, I was more mature then my peers in school. I haven't really made a habit of older men...but Jason just sort of happened and I'm not about to complain! The worst thing, I think, is when people assume that he is doing something wrong...when, by heaven, he is a wonderful husband and a great daddy. Anyway, thanks for letting me share your experience...I wish you lots of happiness with your guy! Thanks again!

I've gotten that before too! I don't blame ya for goin off either! lol I guess the only thing to say is since your neighbors are new they will get to know you. If you treat them nicely, maybe they will feel a little bad for thinking that way about you two. They will see you are a great couple, regardless of age

 

[November Gypsy]

I think it is more likely because people don't understand why anyone would date someone old enough to be his daughter.

There are cases where people feel older men will take advantage of young women. And sometimes it is true if the girl don't know much about guys. Especially if all they think about is sex and don't really care for the girl. And sometimes they think older men go for looks instead of love (young, healthy child-bearing look vs 35 years old with some age to it)

I do understand what you are saying. I get that it's possible for abuse to happen in those types of situations. But what I think people forget is that abuse can happen in just about any relationship. It's ironic because when I was dating a man very close to my age (before Jason) no one bothered us...but he was physically abusive. I guess that's part of what makes me so mad. I'm finally in a safe, loving, wonderful relationship and it's now that people insist something must be wrong.

That being said, I get what you're saying. I know many people are probably just looking out for the girl. That being said, I wish they would really observe first before assuming. That's all.

 

[November Gypsy]

Some of my close friends will tease me by saying I have 'old man fetish' or something because in general, I've dated guys who were much older than me. When I was in 7th grade, I dated a senior in high school...when I was 17, the guy was 39...when I was 19, the guy was 43...and so on...ironically I end up being married to someone who is almost my age - LOL. I'm 30 and he's 32. Haha. Still older than me so it counts!

Thanks for sharing! My whole point is that it shouldn't matter what age as long as the people are sincerely happy and it's legal. *Grin* Oh, well. There have been worse fetishs.

 

[November Gypsy]

Fore me (although I might be wrong here) they are many people who weren't taught that people in general have different taste / different povs / different opinions... just think differently... :shrug:

That's the way it is! Different people, different cultures,... there will always be people disagreeing with you whether you like it or not. What you need to learn is to accept that their are differences and ignore those people who annoy you in case you don't see things the same way they do...

They're just :roll:

End of story...

And thanks for your kind words Any time here for you

Jamie

You are right. What is obvious to me may not have been the way another person was taught to believe. It's harder to 'open your mind' when you've been raised to keep it closed. I feel more sorry for those people then angry, I guess, when I think about it. You're welcome. Very true and very desereved. (I know I can't spell)

 

[November Gypsy]

I've gotten that before too! I don't blame ya for goin off either! lol I guess the only thing to say is since your neighbors are new they will get to know you. If you treat them nicely, maybe they will feel a little bad for thinking that way about you two. They will see you are a great couple, regardless of age

Oh, no worries. I like them. I just got a little cranky over it. I hope to be friends with them, and, like most of our friends, I'm sure they'll get over themselves. It just stings a bit, you know?

 

[shel90]

My dad is like 15 years older than my stepmom...when they first got married back in '86, I got teased about them. About my dad trading my mom in for a younger trophy wife. I didnt really understand that kind of comment since I was only 13 years old but I remember that I didnt like it.

Now, they have been married for 23 years and I am sure they have been thru all the same jokes u are going thru. When they were here in Feb, my dad jokily said that he is still robbing the cradle so I guess it got to the point where they just laugh about it now.

 

[November Gypsy]

Well that's hopeful! I'd like to laugh about it at some point. Forunately, Jason had been divorced for 5 years before we even met, let alone married, so I can't be accused of 'stealing' him or something stupid like that. I'm sure it was tough on you to have your dad and stepmum made fun of. I worry about my baby sometimes...I'm sure kids at school when she gets older will have something to say about it. But then, I think she has a strong mind so hopefully she'll let it roll off her back (I usually let it go too...just a little peeved yesterday)

 

[moonflower]

i don't care about age thing
as you said you love your hubby that love is important than ages.


my grandma was 5 years older than my grandpa and they were married for more than 60 years.
my dad is 3 years older than my mom they have been married over 45 years

 

[~*Kaelei*~]

I'm Just like you!

November Gypsy, I'm just like you... my husband and I are 16 years apart, I'm 22 and he's 37 (He will be 38 in September)

I know what you are going through... most people don't understand why I'm with an older man but age doesn't matter to me. My husband Preston and I connect in many ways, we have so many things in common. When we first met (I just turned 18), I was over the heels in love with him and even though I wasn't out of High School yet, we dated and as months went by, I grew up to be more mature and changed into a person who I am now. We've been together for four years now and we have a 3 year old son together. He has a daughter from previous marriage, his wife passed away in 1999... so I'm his second wife when this is my first marriage with him.

My parents don't get along with him, when they first found out that I'm dating a man who's 16 years older than me, they freaked out.... they actually called the cops on me... and the cops came over, saying that they can't do anything because I'm 18 and they did try to tell me that he's just being with me for sex. That's not true... then when my parents found out that I was pregnant, they're the ones that kicked me out of the house and Preston took me in, took care of me and loves me. As months went on, my parents keep putting negative comments down on to me, saying how it won't work, how the age difference is too great and so on. They refuse to get to know him, they judge him without getting to know them. Then in Summer 2006, My son is already 8 months old, I had enough with them, I won't take it anymore about their negative comments about MY family so my husband, my kid and his daughter and I packed up, moved up to Alaska and I cut all the ties with my family, refusing to talk to them.

After three years without talking to them and We moved back to Washington about a year ago, my Dad found out and he tried to talk to me, trying to make amends. He's willing to start over and get to know Preston better, to see what I see about my husband. I just hope my dad and my stepmom will get along with my husband this time, I would really like to be a big family together but I have doubts as my parents are close minded.

My Husband's parents are another story.... They loved me from the first moment they met me and they approve the relationship. I have tight relationship with them and I'm really close with them. They accept our relationship, in fact they support it. They're glad that I make their son happy and that's what they care about.

I have lost couple of friends because of my husband's age.... they didn't approve of the age difference and they thought I was mental for being with a guy. But that doesn't bother me, it shows me who's my true friends and who aren't. I have many friends who supports my relationship and they see my husband for who he is, they love him, they think he's great for me and that he's funny, friendly, caring and that he respects me. He's very open minded person and my friends likes that.

But I do know what you mean... there have been times people would stare at us because of our age difference and what makes it worse, I look younger than my age. There has been couple times that people would think I'm HIS daughter, not his wife which can be frustrated. When we correct their mistake, their expression is kinda priceless, like they were shocked to learn of our relationship status.

What I don't get is that Back in the times like in 1900's and 1800's, there has been many huge gap age difference back then relationships and it was socially accepted when now it's a taboo. True, time changes everything but it really shows how some people are narrow minded, for instance, my parents!

 

[shel90]

That reminds me...

During my senior prom in 1990, one of my friends brought her date who was 30 years old. I remember all of us mocking them saying it was gross to have sex with an old man and so on.

At my 10 year renunion, I saw my friend and it turned out that she had married her prom date and was very happy. I felt ashamed about my actions at the prom and apologized to her. She said that she was very hurt by all of us which resulted in her cutting her ties with all of us despite having known each other since kindergarten.

That taught me a lesson about the age difference and since then I havent made any judgements on relationships with a huge age gap. The only time I make judgments is when one is a minor, like a 15 year old dating a 25 year old.

 

[Byrdie714]

Obviously, I'm not talking about under-age girls dating 40-year-old men. I'm talking about legal, but sizeable age gaps. My husband and I are 16 years apart. I'm 23 and he's 39. We are very happy and very much in love. We rarely argue, and when we do, it's never a yelling sort of thing. How many couples can say that? Yes, of course, there are challenges. There are times when he's experienced something and so doesn't understand why I get excited about it...and there are times when I can be a little childish. Yes, I'm still forming who I am and he's basically settling down, but we've been married two years, and yes, I am still learning, but rather then love him less, I love him more. On the whole, we are really great for each other. What I want to know is why this seems to be such a huge issue for people who aren't in the relationship? I mean,his parents are fine with it and love me, and my parents don't mind the age gap (but don't really get along with him...that's another story). It's people we don't know or barely know that give the looks or make the comments. I've had a former employeer ask if he ever feels guilty about robbing the cradle. How rude is that? Again, I'm not talking about children dating adults...but adults dating and marrying adults. I can't understand why people insist there must be something wrong when there isn't. And, no, I'm not a gold digger...we don't have much at all in fact as far as things go, but we have a wonderful relationship and a beautiful baby, and I think that counts for more then anything you can buy.

So what do you think? Why this huge stigma and open bad attitudes?

Simple: He is old enough to be your "daddy".