why is it so hard?

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DeafBorg

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When I met my hubby we loved eachother, did things he always made me laugh, we have fun, our sex life was great.

Every marriage can be rocky at first it is normal.

I moved out of my parents due to huge family fight. My wedding sucked, my sister did not come and we rarely talked then. I almost left him due to family shit that happened but he begged me not to go and try to work it out. Ok I stayed back.

2005 hubby lost his mom he pretty much did nothing for 3 years. I stood by his side. I worked after we moved in 06. His dad moved in when his mom died. Our life style was so bad we had hardly any money or food cause I only had ss and worked part time he stayed home did not do anything (depression) but I never left his side and tried to help him in every way. But we fought a lot over that. He would always say I need a break from all the running around, I would remind him there is 1 other person who did with you. I was with him everywhere non stop but it was him him.

Before I go further. After we had been engaged a year and half later his very best friend passed away. The night of the funeral hubby and I were in his room talking to me about us. He told me that I cannot marry you until you accept Jesus your personal savior and be a Christian. I never knew he was a Christian until that night. But I loved him so I said ok and thinking learning about the Christian life through the years would help me.

Not I just want to be me. A normal human being, enjoy life, go to church on Sunday if not working, have fun with friends have a few beers and such.

We had a huge fight over this the other day. I told him that I accept everyone for who they are, if my friends others want to be gay that is fine with me cause that is their choice not mine etc. I told him that I cannot live my life as a fulltime Christian doing bible studies all the time, join all kinds of church stuff and all.

Our sex life sux, it has been a month since we had sex, I refuse to get naked in our home cause his dad lives with us and has been since 05, I can't swear if I want to in my home. I love skulls and all and told hubby that I will be adding some black in my hair, he said no that is the darkest you can go in your hair red. WTF, I am so tired of not having money in my pockets or his, always have to put shit load of money on bills for no reason and it would be paid off in time if we do a bit lesser amount.

I do love him but we are the opposite. He cannot get used to the fact that us deaf ppl tend to make faces in every expression we feel.

I am afraid to leave him for some odd reason. I know that if I do want to leave him him and his dad prolly would be on the streets. Everything is in his name or his dads name. The living room furniture and our plasma tv is in his dads name but we r paying for it. I have nothing of mine but clothes and my guinea pig.

I want to be happy and free to do what I want to do. When I was out with my mom I was happy and felt free.

HELP advice is greatly appreciated.
 
Looks like he was using you and making excuses left and right. It MIGHT be time for you to take off.
 
DeafBorg said:
I want to be happy and free to do what I want to do. When I was out with my mom I was happy and felt free.
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What's stopping you?

It seems to me that he's using you as a crutch to make him feel better. From your post, it sounds like he's not doing anything to improve his situation and is expecting you to solve all of his problems. It is not possible and very unfair to you. That's a very needy person right there and I am sorry to say this, but he's being a big baby. He's an adult now. I don't know him at all but think that he is very capable of managing himself, but doesn't want to cause you're the one doing everything for him. I feel bad that he's had a very bad life but at the same time, he cannot allow it to bring him down, including you.

Life is what you make of it and you only have once chance at it. And time flies by before you know it. I'm sad that it seems like he's given up and lost the motivation at some point. I hope that he finds it back.

In the end, it is your choice and I pray for the best.
 
He works fulltime. We work at the same job. He makes 1 dollar more than me.

If we would decide to go separate ways I am afraid that he may ask me to pay a share of the furniture. We both picked it and agreed to pay it off same with the tv cause it is in his dads name but we pay the bill.

I was thinking I should bite the bullet until the furniture is paid off which it will be in November I believe. Then I will tell him that I want my social security to have its own checking account that way it is alone and ready for me.

I dyed my hair darker and did not care what he said. I am at the point that I am going to do what I like and want to do.
 
My advice is to seek a marriage counselor...try to get him to go with you, but if he doesn't, then go alone.

It's your life...take control.
 
My only advice is for you to speak up and tell him how you feel. Like deafbajagal said, if you want to save your marrage seek marriage counseling.

If that is not an option for him or you. Then you need to step up and tell him exactly how you feel.


That is about the only advice, I can give you. You are the one that knows how you feel, and what needs to be done.


I hope it works out for the best.
 
I think your both being a little self centered, it sounds like it's all about me, me, me. Money seems to be the biggest factor in your relationship right now and I think you should both see a counseler, maybe a christian counseler.
 
I talked to him about what was going on and what was my deal. We sat on the porch for a few hours in tears.

He also told me what he was seeing and how he felt as well too. So we both asked eachother the same question how do you make marriage work. It needs a blance and both on the same page.

I was relieved when I finally spoke to him and he was too. So we can now be on the same page and work around it.
 
radioman said:
Looks like he was using you and making excuses left and right. It MIGHT be time for you to take off.
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I disagree. She agreed to become Christian / follow his ways, now she has realized that may have been a bad decision on her part. One that she cannot live up to, it is not her truth.

I would suggest counselling.
 
DeafBorg said:
I talked to him about what was going on and what was my deal. We sat on the porch for a few hours in tears.

He also told me what he was seeing and how he felt as well too. So we both asked eachother the same question how do you make marriage work. It needs a blance and both on the same page.

I was relieved when I finally spoke to him and he was too. So we can now be on the same page and work around it.
Click to expand...


A relationship does not always have to be about the two people liking and doing the same things all the time.

The Balances that needs to be there is "acceptance" to one another.

Both need to accept they way the other is and love the other for being so.

I have learned something a few years back.. Something that my mother told me.

Best way to keep a relationship maintained is to accept the other for whom they are. Not to set them up to your own standards. Because once you become selfish and expect the other half to act and behave a certain way. It will fall apart. That is where the control issue comes in. and it will create problems.
 
I have recently been threw a seperation and no matter how ready you are to leave, it's still hard. I hope the chat helped and maybe openned his eyes. I hope everything works out for the better.
 
Well it opened both of our eyes. We both said what we felt, saw and what needed to be done.

It has improved tremendously. Friday we drove all the way to Grove City Pa to adopt a cocker spaniel for my mother, but she ended up staying with us instead. lol too attached to me. We communicated much better now.

So this thread can die off. I will bump it if I need more advice or help. Thanks guys.
 
A DVD I think would help

I have a DVD that is in ASL, title The Secret of Family Happiness. Think you would enjoy chapter 13, title If Marriage is at the Breaking point.
Let me know if you would be interested.
 
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