Top Joke in England
Two weasels are sitting on a barstool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, "I slept with your mother!" The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, "I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!" The other says, "Go home dad you're drunk.
Top Joke in Northern Ireland
A doctor says to his patient, 'I have bad news and worse news'. 'Oh dear, what's the bad news?' asks the patient. The doctor replies, 'You only have 24 hours to live'. 'That's terrible', said the patient. 'How can the news possibly be worse?' The doctor replies, 'I've been trying to contact you since yesterday'.
Top Joke in Scotland
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers.
Top joke in UK
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the
bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The
driver
just
insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off, go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.
Top joke in USA
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man. The man then
replies:
"Yeah, well we were married for 35 years."
Top joke in Canada
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil.
Top Joke in New Jersey
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"
The Winning Joke:
As we know comes from South Africa.
Philemon had a bad attendance record with the company he worked for, particularly being late for work in the morning. He was called to a disciplinary hearing where he was given a chance to explain his reasons. His argument: "I get up in the morning. I shower then I look in the mirror and try tuh straiten my hair. Then I sometimes miss de texi and then I am late." His boss has a bright idea. He gets one of Philemon's colleagues to sneak into Philemon's rooms and steal the mirror off the wall, without Philemon's knowledge. The following day Philemon does not turn up for work. The same happens the day after that. So Philemon gets summoned to another hearing to explain his reasons for not attending work. His argument: "I get up in de morning. I shower then I look in de mirror. I see no Philemon. I think Philemom alredy left for work"
Two weasels are sitting on a barstool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, "I slept with your mother!" The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, "I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!" The other says, "Go home dad you're drunk.
Top Joke in Northern Ireland
A doctor says to his patient, 'I have bad news and worse news'. 'Oh dear, what's the bad news?' asks the patient. The doctor replies, 'You only have 24 hours to live'. 'That's terrible', said the patient. 'How can the news possibly be worse?' The doctor replies, 'I've been trying to contact you since yesterday'.
Top Joke in Scotland
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers.
Top joke in UK
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the
bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The
driver
just
insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off, go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.
Top joke in USA
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man. The man then
replies:
"Yeah, well we were married for 35 years."
Top joke in Canada
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil.
Top Joke in New Jersey
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"
The Winning Joke:
As we know comes from South Africa.
Philemon had a bad attendance record with the company he worked for, particularly being late for work in the morning. He was called to a disciplinary hearing where he was given a chance to explain his reasons. His argument: "I get up in the morning. I shower then I look in the mirror and try tuh straiten my hair. Then I sometimes miss de texi and then I am late." His boss has a bright idea. He gets one of Philemon's colleagues to sneak into Philemon's rooms and steal the mirror off the wall, without Philemon's knowledge. The following day Philemon does not turn up for work. The same happens the day after that. So Philemon gets summoned to another hearing to explain his reasons for not attending work. His argument: "I get up in de morning. I shower then I look in de mirror. I see no Philemon. I think Philemom alredy left for work"
i like the last part where Philemon think he left for work? LOL!!!! hehe