some relationship advice needed.

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SpiceHD

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hm my friend needs some advice but she is too shy to get on forums or ask anybody so ill ask for her. ill use false names

julie is very frustrated because her boyfriend joey would not talk to her about any problems. every time julie noticed something is up, like joey is acting all sad or distant... she would ask joey whats wrong and joey would shrug and says im fine ill get over it. results.. julie still do not know what was the problem or more than one problem perhaps? because joey would not tell her even after it was resolved. she wonder if she will make same mistake again? and lot of bunch of questions especially this one.. how can relationship work if they cannot work together when crisis appears? julie tried direct approach only to have him saying "OUT!", she tried saying like this "ok ill wait till you are ready" (apprantly joey never will be ready). julie wants to sit down and talk to joey but she dont know if joey is even willing. joey kept making up excuses to postpane the talk. julie is running out of patience and she has been worried for long time every single day. shes afraid that she might end up being a bitch and order joey to sit down... joey will not deal with that too well. this problem has been in her mind for over a month...that was when joey said they will talk but never did.

when julie asked joey if hes still in love with her...joey said he will talk to her later. instead of assuring her that he still love her... he just said "we will talk" so shes pretty nervous about it. that day was over a month ago. She still is waiting. i felt bad for her and tried every suggestion i can think of for her but she said nothing works. by the way joey did act like nothing happened after a crisis appeared/disappeared and gave affection and everything.

shes tired of having "what ifs" running in her mind, tired of tiptoe around him, and wants him to be able to open up more. especially when something is bothering him. relationship supposed to mean to be a team. julie feels like joey do not trust julie when it comes to the problems. they have been dating for almost a year now and every time crisis shows up... its not agruements that bothers her... its the silent treatment she gets that really really bothers her. julie HATES to be kept in dark with all the unanswered questions.

can any of you give her advice?
 
He clearly doesn't like to express his feelings or frustration...some people are that way (I was that way for a long time.) Men like to retreat to their caves sometimes.

She needs to say..."Look...I can see you're not happy. I do not understand why. If it is something I did, please let me know when you're ready so we can work on it together. I'm here if you need me. In the meantime, I will respect your space. Come to me when you're ready. I love you. " Then she needs to give him space. Back off. Do her thing. In time, when he's ready, he will come back.

It is possible he may be suffering from depression or something like that...in which he may need to see a doctor or licensed counselor. But that's out of her control. Sometimes the best thing to do is to respect someone's space and give them time.
 
I may be wrong....but it seems as if this guy is playing "mind games"....and comes under "emotional abuse".....

Since when, does someone have to ask "do you still love me"??.....She seems so unsure of the relationship!

No matter if I was feeling down and out, depressed, etc. ....and could not talk about it right then.....still, the guy should assure her if he still loves her! Just by saying....I do love you, I'm just having some problems that I need to work out myself.....ASSURANCE!....We are not mind-readers!

He's not only miserable him self, he's making her that way also, and that's unfair.
 
It sounds like Joey does not want the kind of serious relationship that your friend does. I think that your friend would be wise to date other people instead of sitting around waiting for Joey.
 
sallylou said:
It sounds like Joey does not want the kind of serious relationship that your friend does. I think that your friend would be wise to date other people instead of sitting around waiting for Joey.
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Agreed!...Just didn't want to sound so "blunt" about the post. Some people are like this, they enjoy (or seem to enjoy) making people feel "left out and hanging in the air".....
 
Sorry if that was blunt. I've dated some of those guys in my life. What a waste of time! Your friend deserves better. When she figures that out, she'll move on.
 
what if joey was perfect in everything except for when crisis appears and he went running to his own cave? julie is truly happy with him. She just is frustrated with this communication problem. Also Julie isnt a coward... she wont run off to find another guy just because she cannot figure out how to fix this. Julie perfer to try every method she can think of to solve it before calling it off.

Julie said," i am tired of everyone telling me to dump joey when he was just wonderful. i would understand if joey was abusive or cheating or whatever but he did no crime this time other than being quiet during a crisis. every single relationship has their own problems and this is my problem. no wonder the rate for divorce is so hight nowadays!" i hate to admit it but i agree with her lol. She is asking for any advice other than dumping joey.
 
But she is not married to Joey. Joey hasn't made that kind of commitment. A guy that runs from crisis is not likely to make a commitment or be in a relationship for the long haul. Sorry. :cry:

I just think that a woman shouldn't spend too much time on a man who isn't there for her. I think that the brave thing to do is get out there and meet other people. Life is too short to be unhappy. Besides, she's depriving some other great guy of her company. Someone who deserves her much more than Joey. :cool2:
 
well that kind of stuff in relationship could happen show occassional for a life time. its julie's call. thats all i can say.
 
and this time julie s call is not to run off on joey (what if he needs her but dont know how?)
 
I wish Julia the best of luck. I hope that it turns out well for her.
 
Wish her luck also. If she can deal with "being shut out and off", that's good, but she was asking for advise. A couple usually shares things, the good along with the bad. And if his behavior really bothers her all that much, then she needs to remedy it, nip it in the bud.....But if he doesn't want to do that or will not do that....then she'll just keep walking around in the dark as to what's bothering him.

I could not deal with someone "shutting me out." It's hurtful.
 
rockin'robin said:
Wish her luck also. If she can deal with "being shut out and off", that's good,

I could not deal with someone "shutting me out." It's hurtful.
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Ditto, no matter what if it is only a month. a month is TOO long for me. I rather end this right away. i know it will happen again in the near future after we work it out again but it will come back again. no thanks. if some guys do that like just one day is fine for me as long as they say, " leave me alone i ll talk to you later." and he sticks his words then he do come back to me. i can live with that.
 
No it's not mind games....should not jump to conclusions. Why is it about Julie? You don't need an answer for everything. Sounds like depression or past trauma-depression.
maybe counseling.
Hey we need to talk. And no putting it off. But don't get angry and don't make it about you. It affects you but explain that and try and listen. But no putting it off.
 
Um, I think that Julie has already tried this.
 
how have it been like this? how long have julie and joey been together? were that her first time to deal the situation?
 
SpiceHD said:
hm my friend needs some advice but she is too shy to get on forums or ask anybody so ill ask for her. ill use false names

julie is very frustrated because her boyfriend joey would not talk to her about any problems. every time julie noticed something is up, like joey is acting all sad or distant... she would ask joey whats wrong and joey would shrug and says im fine ill get over it. results.. julie still do not know what was the problem or more than one problem perhaps? because joey would not tell her even after it was resolved. she wonder if she will make same mistake again? and lot of bunch of questions especially this one.. how can relationship work if they cannot work together when crisis appears? julie tried direct approach only to have him saying "OUT!", she tried saying like this "ok ill wait till you are ready" (apprantly joey never will be ready). julie wants to sit down and talk to joey but she dont know if joey is even willing. joey kept making up excuses to postpane the talk. julie is running out of patience and she has been worried for long time every single day. shes afraid that she might end up being a bitch and order joey to sit down... joey will not deal with that too well. this problem has been in her mind for over a month...that was when joey said they will talk but never did.

when julie asked joey if hes still in love with her...joey said he will talk to her later. instead of assuring her that he still love her... he just said "we will talk" so shes pretty nervous about it. that day was over a month ago. She still is waiting. i felt bad for her and tried every suggestion i can think of for her but she said nothing works. by the way joey did act like nothing happened after a crisis appeared/disappeared and gave affection and everything.

shes tired of having "what ifs" running in her mind, tired of tiptoe around him, and wants him to be able to open up more. especially when something is bothering him. relationship supposed to mean to be a team. julie feels like joey do not trust julie when it comes to the problems. they have been dating for almost a year now and every time crisis shows up... its not agruements that bothers her... its the silent treatment she gets that really really bothers her. julie HATES to be kept in dark with all the unanswered questions.

can any of you give her advice?
Click to expand...

I see a recurring theme here. Lack of communication.

Joey needs to know that in order for a relationship to be successful, communication is key. If there's no communication, there's no relationship.
 
CJB said:
I see a recurring theme here. Lack of communication.

Joey needs to know that in order for a relationship to be successful, communication is key. If there's no communication, there's no relationship.
Click to expand...

Righto.
 
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