Question for those who have been married many, many years

FadedRose

FadedRose

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Let me start off by stating the obvious. I've only been married for 5 years and still have quite a bit to go before I can start dishing out marriage advice! There is a mild hiccup or rather a complication that has popped up that has been a thorn in my side, albeit a very annoying and persistant thorn and one that just came out of no where and needs to go away. The taboo of having a "crush" while married is one I've never experience until now. Er...WHERE THE HELL DID THIS COME FROM?!? For one, I'm a very, very happy gal and lucky in love with my husband. I've never had feelings for anyone else except him. I've not allowed myself to because to me it's wrong and goes against what I believe in. Marriage to me is sacred. It's wrong to have feelings for anyone else but your husband/wife. I'm very old fashioned...
So this strange butterfly I feel fluttering around in my stomach when I see this particular person thankfully not often is really, really bothering me. I would never in a million years even consider...
it's too disturbing for me to even finish that sentence is how much this bothers me! To make matters worse my sister told me that maybe this person is my actual soul mate and not my husband. Wow...steller advice there sister. I do NOT need to hear that and don't want to. What I want to know is number one: what can I do to get these...ugh, whatever you want to call them feelings or thoughts about this STRANGER out of my head that is NOT my husband? I do not talk to this person, I avoid him like the plague when I see him, I avoid making eye contact. I literally run the opposite direction when I see this individual. Two: Is this normal? I do not think so. I have no reason to be feeling the way I do. The only logical explaination I can give myself coming from a scientific standpoint is that apparently this person must have the "genes" I'm attracted to at a totally primal level. Er...right. :roll: I do not even want kids and tied my tubes not to have kids but that's the ONLY logical reason I can come up with is that this is strictly biological, you know continuation of the species bullshit. I love my husband and the thing that has be so torn apart is the fact that I love my husband so much but why the hell am I getting the warm fuzzies for someone else? :hmm: This is disturbing to me to say the least.

Now to the married ladies now that I've laid out my view point ( pun intended ), when you were in the first few years of marriage or even now-how on earth did you handle this if you had a ugh, "crush" but didn't want to have one on someone else? It's sickening to me.

advice would be welcome from the married ladies on here that have been married for over 10 years or more. I do NOT want these feelings. I only reserve them for my husband and as embarrassing as this is to say...
they've been mainly sexual. How humilating. I'm disgusted with myself. Just beyond disgusted. Never in a million years did I ever think that I would ugh...
get aroused by someone else. Is this normal? Of course I'll never act on it. I'd kill myself before I ever did but it's not that I'm worried I will. What I want to go away are these really teenagerist, stupid...OMG there he is bullshit that I'm too old for.

:laugh2: er, anyone?
 
I've been married close to 40 years. I've never had the experience that you've described.

You seem to be on the right track of avoiding the "crush" person. Limiting contact with that person, and making sure to not be alone with that person is probably a good idea.

You're right that your sister didn't provide good advice about the soul mate thing. It seems like she's trying to stir up trouble.

Is it truly that other person to whom you're attracted, or one particular aspect about that person that attracts you? That is, a physical feature, personality, lifestyle, attitude, or some other thing that makes that person special? Is it something that the other person represents to you?
 
What I know is that I had a "relationship" of sorts with my older ex-gf, and that she "went behind my back" a few times (she's deaf, same as me, but our intelligence is different, she never went to college, yet I did, she left high school, and I only did year 11 in college, regretted not completing year 12!), anyway, my ex was a drug addict by the time I met her as we had on-off one-night-stands and as unbiblical as this is, I didn't know any better. I was lonely and I thought I'd settled for someone who actually wanted me, but I later learned it was my "handsome" self that she was interested in, there was nothing intellectual interest that she was interested in, she just wants me around to carry her baggage and be a "fodder" for her, to use at will whenever she likes it. I was naive, I didn't know what it was all about for a long time. All my learning was from books, and not much at that, being mainly interested in fiction books, so my knowledge with women was limited, and it was surprising about her adultery and I thought it was strange, I was right there, and I considers our sex "lovemaking" when she calls it the four-letter word, "f u c k", which I considers crude. (sigh)....

I lived with her for seven hellish years, with her drugs, her paranoia, mood swings, manic depression, alcohol, all kinds of stuff that I would not wish on my worse enemy. After she found someone else, she dropped me, so I was free, but it took a while to recover from the shock, about three month of the strangest state of shock that I didn't know I would suffer, no one told me. I recognised it as PTSD, but at the time I wasn't aware, I didn't know anything. After her I went into reserach mode for years, and I understood a lot about health, and how most things are connected. Lastly, the biblical connection.

When people are single, it is better that they will find someone and courts them, with no pre-marital sex, ever, as I had made the mistake of doing with my ex, and getting to know one another, so as to be SURE of each other, that's the only way to be SURE, and not giving in to the fires of lust, until we're SURE of each other, that's the only way. There are safer ways for self-relief, that is self, not with anyone. It keeps things clean. No adultery bad habits kind of thing, and best of all, you two can be SURE of each other and TRUSTS each other as near 100% as you can make it. Then when you're SURE, both of you, then you marries. Once married, then the whole world is dead, only you two are alive to each other, and any desires you feels by looking out there, you transforms it into desires for your love, no one else.

Marriage is SACRED, absolutely TRUE. I wish I could find someone but I do not know where. So after my sudden freedom, my ex came back and I refused to go back with her, for my trust for her is still broken and now, it's the eighth year of my stinglehood and I still won't go back to her, even if she came back again and again. My trust is BROKEN. So I look for someone else, but I am wary of ever getting trapped ever again. My trust will have to be EARNED, and so far I have not met anyone worthy of my trust, and thus, my heart. So I remain single, oh well. But I know what it's like to love and lost, and I know that love is better than nothing, but it got to be the right way. The wrong way is in sin, and that's no real love, as I have been through before with my ex, and I won't do that. I want a biblical love, a biblical marriage and a biblical relationship with my woman, for I know she's trustworthy, and most worthy of my love, that I hold sacred. For when she is worthy, then I know she is marriageable, and thus I will marry her, whoever she'll be. I know I can trust her never to give in to her sexual feelings that some scum out there are most likely to engenders in her, and she will transforms that by giving it all to ME, and I too will give my ALL to HER.

So I fulfills her needs, and she fulfills my needs, and thus our desires for anyone else will be shadows, nothing more, and thus we keeps control, no one else will get anything from us. We're a TEAM, no one can asunder!

This is what biblical love, biblical marriage, is.

And here's the best part, a biblical marriage provides ENDLESS, guilt-free pleasures for the biblical couple, and it's the best thing about life.

Pre-marital sex, like most of the world are doing, are guilt-ridden, and the pleasures is poor, almost non-existent, and as such it's weak, boring.

Howeverr, biblical sex is the best thing about life, it's full of honest pleasures that a couple devoted to each other are giving each other, that is TRUE love, right there.

Biblical love is better.

So I waits to find a woman who is capable of this. I still have yet to find her. Oh well. I am not in a hurry. No worries!

Good luck with your hubby, I hopes you're still with them in this new year, 2012.
 
I have been married for over 17 years. I do not believe in "one true soul mate". I believe we can find one of the many people we are compatible with, treat them well and hopefully be treated well in return. Would I step out on my husband? Not a chance. Do I expect to find other people I find attractive and connect to? Yup. The problem is when you actually DO something about it. You're taking the right precautions... but just feeling the attraction doesn't make you a bad person.
 
mbrek said:
I have been married for over 17 years. I do not believe in "one true soul mate". I believe we can find one of the many people we are compatible with, treat them well and hopefully be treated well in return. Would I step out on my husband? Not a chance. Do I expect to find other people I find attractive and connect to? Yup. The problem is when you actually DO something about it. You're taking the right precautions... but just feeling the attraction doesn't make you a bad person.
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Right on the nail!...As long as you don't act upon that attraction.....Even men see other women and think..."Wow, look at that"...and we women do the same thing....Some couples that are married for 5 years or more...to each other, they become "old shoes"...but still a loving couple....Perhaps trying something to spice up your marriage would work....An avoid the other man as much as possible until you get ur emotions in check......The attraction will pass.
 
You have been given some pretty good advice. Good luck and avoid trouble! My husband is my boyfriend, my best friend and my companion. I could never hurt him and in return, he feels the same way. We have been together for about 14 years, have 5 kids and 4 grandkids. I am hoping that you will know the joy and companionship of knowing your own husband that long and growing your relationship together.
 
Disclaimer: I'm not married for many many years yet. :o

Perhaps there's something about that man that is attracting you to him. Does your husband not have it?
Reba mentioned it too, take a moment to think what it is. If you can figure that out, maybe you have your answer to this.
 
Wow, thanks everyone for the replies. I don't feel so horrible now! I've been beating myself up over this ever since those annoying "feelings" started bothering me to the point that if the person stands near me I drop what I'm carrying or I'll trip over myself or worse my lower lip will start to tremble.

when I think about it my husband when we first met had the same effect on me. Ha, that makes sense. He reminds me of my husband?
 
There ya go! No guilt, just good reasoning. So happy for you and keep up the good work and soon you will look back and not even remember that other guy. Now go do something cute with your sweet husband who makes your knees tremble. :)
 
LDNanna said:
There ya go! No guilt, just good reasoning. So happy for you and keep up the good work and soon you will look back and not even remember that other guy. Now go do something cute with your sweet husband who makes your knees tremble. :)
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LOL. Glad I started the thread. Sometimes typing it all out turns on a light bulb. Not sure why but it worked. Yay! When I'm 80 I can picture myself looking back on this moment. Something cute? I was thinking of something a tad more naughty!
:giggle:
 
Honestly, it's totally normal to find others attractive, even if you're happily married. the real concern would have been whether or not you acted upon this attraction but doesn't sound like you will so don't worry about it.
 
Wirelessly posted (droid)

I think it's totally normal to be attracted to other people, even when you're happy wit your own spouse. It seems like people especially go through this around 6-7th year of marriage (hence the name "7 year itch.") You may want to jump start the passion and romance with your spouse for a good "scratch." lol
 
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LDNanna said:
You have been given some pretty good advice. Good luck and avoid trouble! My husband is my boyfriend, my best friend and my companion. I could never hurt him and in return, he feels the same way. We have been together for about 14 years, have 5 kids and 4 grandkids. I am hoping that you will know the joy and companionship of knowing your own husband that long and growing your relationship together.
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Wow if you been together for about 14 years , you kids got married really young!
 
mbrek said:
I have been married for over 17 years. I do not believe in "one true soul mate". I believe we can find one of the many people we are compatible with, treat them well and hopefully be treated well in return. Would I step out on my husband? Not a chance. Do I expect to find other people I find attractive and connect to? Yup. The problem is when you actually DO something about it. You're taking the right precautions... but just feeling the attraction doesn't make you a bad person.
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Words right out of my mouth. I was married for a very long time, and for me there were a couple of people I was very, very attracted to. I feel that if I had not married my husband I could have just as easily ended up with them instead... or not. Because sometimes they are just attractive because they are new and different, and once you get to know them they aren't so attractive in that way anymore (although they could still be attractive, too, it really depends). But I never acted on those attractions, and was even honest with my husband about them - which can go a LONG way to minimizing the attraction and making it much easier not to act on it, because then it's not some secret forbidden fruit. It's just an acknowledged attraction. Kinda like appreciating a good work of art that you love. You would never touch it, nor would you be able to afford to buy it, you've got plenty of decoration at home... but it's just nice to look at for a change of pace once in a while, and it's ok to really like it and look at it, as long as that is all you do. It is a "natural, normal thing" (to quote american pie haha).
 
My husband and I tell each other all the time about people we find attractive. Also, if we start feeling a physical lure to another person, we also tell each other. So far, it has been working for the both of us. I just thank my lucky stars that neither of us are the jealous types.
 
There's an old saying, "The band is on the finger, not over the eyes."

Meaning two things: it's a good idea to keep yourself attractive for your mate, AND it's perfectly normal to notice that yes, indeed, there are plenty of good-looking people out there! Just means that you've got the normal amounts of hormones flowing through your system, and you're not blind.

Noticing that someone is attractive, and even developing a little crush on that person, is not that unusual and can even be a little fun. That's assuming that the crush doesn't grow into anything else or become an obsession or take away from your relationship with your spouse.

There's another saying: "It doesn't matter where you get your appetite, so long as you're always home for dinner." Since it sounds like you firmly always plan to "be home for dinner," I'd say just enjoy your crush for what it is, and realize it's likely to pass, all in due time.

I've been married for more than 25 years, by the way. So far, so good.
 
Beach girl said:
There's an old saying, "The band is on the finger, not over the eyes."

Meaning two things: it's a good idea to keep yourself attractive for your mate, AND it's perfectly normal to notice that yes, indeed, there are plenty of good-looking people out there! Just means that you've got the normal amounts of hormones flowing through your system, and you're not blind.

Noticing that someone is attractive, and even developing a little crush on that person, is not that unusual and can even be a little fun. That's assuming that the crush doesn't grow into anything else or become an obsession or take away from your relationship with your spouse.

There's another saying: "It doesn't matter where you get your appetite, so long as you're always home for dinner." Since it sounds like you firmly always plan to "be home for dinner," I'd say just enjoy your crush for what it is, and realize it's likely to pass, all in due time.

I've been married for more than 25 years, by the way. So far, so good.
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Very true! Yes you are right. I'll always be home for dinner.:laugh2: The person in question does not have a thing for me in any way shape or form. It's just me...ugh, so I'm not worried!

After reading all of these replies I guess it is "normal" to find other people attractive although married/taken/in serious realtionship. I think the hormone comment was spot on too because I was on depo provera for a little over five years and it takes a while for it to leave the body so I'm experiencing these things I haven't in years, a normal part of being a woman. I know for sure that I'm not really asexual like I thought I was. My hormones were just out of wack....
that's obvious!:ty:
 
Jaspheth said:
Very true! Yes you are right. I'll always be home for dinner.:laugh2: The person in question does not have a thing for me in any way shape or form. It's just me...ugh, so I'm not worried!

After reading all of these replies I guess it is "normal" to find other people attractive although married/taken/in serious realtionship. I think the hormone comment was spot on too because I was on depo provera for a little over five years and it takes a while for it to leave the body so I'm experiencing these things I haven't in years, a normal part of being a woman. I know for sure that I'm not really asexual like I thought I was. My hormones were just out of wack....
that's obvious!:ty:
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Aha! Well, there you go then. I think these little crushes always bear thinking about for what they are telling us about ourselves. Adjusting your hormone levels can certainly wake up certain dormant feelings that maybe you thought had disappeared forever.
 
Is your attraction to this person emotional or just physical? Sometimes it is hard to tell between the two.
 
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