Newlywed fight over Holiday time :(

Abby Nicole

Abby Nicole

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This is a vent, as I am trying to cool my jets from an argument last night with DH. Friends, I need perspective...

Last year, DH and I spent Christmas at his parents, a 13-hr drive away. As an engaged couple, I cheerfully went to his hometown for 5 days and immersed myself in his family's traditions. We agreed on alternating Christmas's between our families every other year. My family is local, so this year, we are able to spend our first Christmas as a married couple at home with our puppy and brand new Christmas tree, and enjoy the parties with my side of the family. Or so I thought.

DH informed me that he wants to go "home" to his parent's again this year, during our 1-week vacation time between Christmas and NYE. I was thrown for a loop, wondering what happened to our every-other-year plan? I told him I was surprised and not enthused on traveling again for the holidays. Flying won't work, as tickets are $800, and I dread being on the road for two icy white-knuckled days; last year's 13-hr roadtrip was scary driving in blizzards. Amtrak train tickets are sold out.

I was really looking forward to a low-key holiday week with my husband in the comfort of our house.

DH called me selfish and accused me of not wanting to be with his family; I called him a liar for not informing me that we would actually be traveling every year to his parents. Why is his parent's house, that he hasn't lived in for 15 years, still "home"??? Shouldn't we focus on creating our own home and holiday traditions as husband and wife?

Does DH not understand, "Leave and cleave", or am I being a selfish wife?
 
I think it is the opposite your husband sounds like he is being selfish. You went last year with him it's fair to want to stay this year. Not cool on his part. This is why I am glad I can't stand my family or his :)
 
I really truly feel like he's being selfish for not putting our family unit first.

(I should clarify: we'd still be going to my family's holidays parties on Christmas weekend, then traveling to his parent's the following week after Christmas)

He told me he'll just go alone to which I yelled, "FINE". I'm hurt that he would even consider being apart during the holidays. I had suggested we fly to his parent's in a different month, when plane tickets are cheaper, and he rejected that. He's convinced that I just don't want to be with his family, which is not true, we last saw them two months ago. If his parents lived closer, it would be a different story entirely.
 
It sounds like a control issue. I doubt he is even aware he is doing this. My suggestion. Let him take his holiday with his family and you with yours (it sucks I know), then after the holidays discuss the situation and depending on the discussion you may want to consider couples therapy. One (or both of you) may need to learn some techniques for handling disagreements. I regret that I did not do this with my ex-wife.
 
We probably do need couples therapy. I'm sad it's going there so early in our marriage, but not entirely surprised. Many have told me the first married year is the hardest, and I'd be happy to seek help to get us through this.

We're both opinionated and independent thinkers, so resolutions are often one of us just giving up and giving in - usually me. But I don't want to back down on this holiday business because it will set a precedent that it's okay to go our separate ways during the holidays. This isn't how a family operates, how can I get him to understand that we are our own family now with mutually agreed upon decisions?

Btw, another factor that is not helping is our brother-in-law. BIL is actually guilty of not wanting to visit my husband's family, and has skipped out many times. So now DH is hypersensitive and defensive of his family, I think this is why he quickly and easily believes I'm against his family as well.
 
While I don't advocate going anywhere for the holidays if you do not want to be there, I don't believe the trip itself rises to a good enough reason not to go. On the other hand, if there is someone in his family you are uncomfortable being around it's best not to go.

When you buy into marriage these are the things that come with the territory.
 
I think the couple's therapy is a good call. There are issues here deeper than just how to spend holidays with family.

Hubby's family lives in MI. My family lives/lived in CT. We met and married in FL, and now live in SC. So, we definitely did the "leave and cleave" thing with our marriage. We never spent an actual Christmas day at his family's house, and we spend one Christmas in CT. The rest of our Christmas holidays were at our own house.

My daughter and son-in-law have both sets of family locally but they still had to divide their times with one side or the other. They usually would spend Christmas Eve with his family (who traditionally celebrated on the Eve anyway), and Christmas Day with us. Even so, on Christmas Day, they don't come over until lunch time so that they can have their own family (daughter, SIL, their sons) celebration at their house first.

Once a couple is married, HOME is where they live together as a couple. That doesn't mean the rest of the family has to be ignored or dumped but they have to be put into the proper order. If not, there will be constant trouble down the road.
 
The drive is awful from Detroit to Minneapolis, and DH will go up to 90 mph, which makes me extremely uncomfortable, and he won't slow down when I ask him (a controlling sign, Cheetah?) I was a passenger in a bad winter expressway accident years ago, and still feel lingering PTSD on winter roadtrips.
 
i understand your situation entirely. my husband and i live in md and his dads family lives in upper pa and mums family is in upper ny.

we agreed to do the big holidays flip-flopped. if thanksgiving is with my family, we spend christmas with his family (either his mums side or fathers side not both.) and vice versa.

i know, from personal experience, that your husband probably doesn't see his family a lot. my husband sees his family maybe once or twice a year at most and we see my family like every week.

what i would do is maybe work on a new plan.

maybe if you only flip-flop christmas, maybe flip-flop thanksgiving and christmas. that way you both see family during the holidays.

maybe try to always make a trip to see his family sometime during the year besides the holidays and still flip flop christmas and/or thanksgiving, that way he will always get to see his family at least once.

i hope this helps!!
 
Reba said:
Once a couple is married, HOME is where they live together as a couple. That doesn't mean the rest of the family has to be ignored or dumped but they have to be put into the proper order. If not, there will be constant trouble down the road.
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Reba, thank you - this is how I feel. I'm trying to be patient, in waiting for DH to realize this, and I do wonder if it's a gender issue: do women leave and cleave easier and earlier then men? I'm trying to look at all the angles.
 
The family that lives far away ought to get precedence during the holidays if you see your own family every week anyway.

Your husband's family is getting shortchanged and Christmas is a time when you have a little extra time to travel.

Celebrate the holiday with your local family a week away from the actual date.
 
Abby Nicole said:
The drive is awful from Detroit to Minneapolis, and DH will go up to 90 mph, which makes me extremely uncomfortable, and he won't slow down when I ask him (a controlling sign, Cheetah?) I was a passenger in a bad winter expressway accident years ago, and still feel lingering PTSD on winter roadtrips.
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It can be. and probably is.
 
By just reading everyone's responses so far, it's clear this is a difficult topic with no hard and fast rules. DH's and my opinion varies as much as everyone else's.

We do spend good lengths of time with his family 4-5 times a year, so I genuinely don't feel like we're "dumping" them by not visiting for Christmas this year. All I desire is a special Christmas at home with my husband this year, and I never expected we would raise World War III over it. I'm saddened he doesn't carry the same sentiments.
 
Here's some questions I am wondering for you to answer, we do not know the reasons for your husband's side of the story but this may explain the perspectives.

If you had a clue, what do you think makes him want to return to his place?

Do you feel attached to him as much as you would like?
In return, do you feel he is attached to you on an equal level?
 
Well, first, I'd like to know if there was an "official" agreement that holidays would be alternated each year. If you both agreed that this is how it would be and now he is going back on his word, then he is being a total ass and you have every right to be pissed. All the other stuff is beside the point: he broke his word. That is not a good sign, and you need to nip this sort of behavior in the bud. If he'll break his word with this, there's no telling what else he might do. That is just dishonest and disrespectful behavior.

Now, if what you had was more of an "understanding" or just kind of implied agreement, then you're going to need to be a little more flexible here, because that means you weren't on the same page to begin with, and consequently, your independent views are subject to change.

A couple people have pointed out that you get to see your own family all the time while he doesn't get to see his family as often. That is something that you cannot make light of. It counts for a lot, and it does make you look a little selfish for wanting to spend the holidays near your family even though you get to see them all the time as well. Holidays and vacations are the only time most people get to travel long distances and be with their out-of-state families. But that still doesn't negate the fact that you had an agreement (if there was an agreement).

You say that what you really want is to just have a nice Christmas together. Just the two of you. Does he understand this? In his mind it's a "my family vs. her family" thing. If you can make him understand this is about the two of you spending time together, and not your respective families, then you might have a fighting chance. If he understands that and doesn't care? Well, you've got much bigger fish to fry.

Good luck!
 
Abby Nicole said:
The drive is awful from Detroit to Minneapolis, and DH will go up to 90 mph, which makes me extremely uncomfortable, and he won't slow down when I ask him (a controlling sign, Cheetah?) I was a passenger in a bad winter expressway accident years ago, and still feel lingering PTSD on winter roadtrips.
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Yes, but it seems to me that he's not the one with the control issue in this case. Backseat drivers are usually the ones who need control.

If he is putting you both at risk by weaving in and out of traffic, ignoring weather conditions, etc. then you've got a problem. If you're just going in a straight line in regular conditions, 90mph is not much different from 75mph. Try to relax.
 
Abby Nicole said:
Reba, thank you - this is how I feel. I'm trying to be patient, in waiting for DH to realize this, and I do wonder if it's a gender issue: do women leave and cleave easier and earlier then men? I'm trying to look at all the angles.
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I've seen the "cutting the apron strings" problem on both sides, men and women.

It can also happen in reverse. In-law parents who want to get too involved/controlling in their married children's lives. That can be especially wicked where money is a factor.
 
naisho said:
Here's some questions I am wondering for you to answer, we do not know the reasons for your husband's side of the story but this may explain the perspectives.

If you had a clue, what do you think makes him want to return to his place?
He feels a recharge when he stays at his parent's house because he has no duties, responsibilities, or obligations. Turns into a man-child, and his parents love it and encourage it. This is fine by me. If a holiday is involved, then his "want" to return is also born out of obligation in addition to getting a recharge.

Do you feel attached to him as much as you would like?
I do, outside of this topic of family priorities.

In return, do you feel he is attached to you on an equal level?
I wonder why he doesn't feel like he'll get his recharge if we stayed home, as I do, so I do question if our attachment is equal.
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...
 
TheWriteAlex said:
Well, first, I'd like to know if there was an "official" agreement that holidays would be alternated each year. If you both agreed that this is how it would be and now he is going back on his word, then he is being a total ass and you have every right to be pissed. All the other stuff is beside the point: he broke his word. That is not a good sign, and you need to nip this sort of behavior in the bud. If he'll break his word with this, there's no telling what else he might do. That is just dishonest and disrespectful behavior.

Now, if what you had was more of an "understanding" or just kind of implied agreement, then you're going to need to be a little more flexible here, because that means you weren't on the same page to begin with, and consequently, your independent views are subject to change.

A couple people have pointed out that you get to see your own family all the time while he doesn't get to see his family as often. That is something that you cannot make light of. It counts for a lot, and it does make you look a little selfish for wanting to spend the holidays near your family even though you get to see them all the time as well. Holidays and vacations are the only time most people get to travel long distances and be with their out-of-state families. But that still doesn't negate the fact that you had an agreement (if there was an agreement).

You say that what you really want is to just have a nice Christmas together. Just the two of you. Does he understand this? In his mind it's a "my family vs. her family" thing. If you can make him understand this is about the two of you spending time together, and not your respective families, then you might have a fighting chance. If he understands that and doesn't care? Well, you've got much bigger fish to fry.

Good luck!
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Truthfully, the exact amount of time we'd spend with my side of the family is 10 hours that week. That's it - Christmas Eve, 5 hours, Christmas dinner, 5 hours. I agree with you, DH sees it as a "my family vs. her family", whereas I see it as where is our "US family" (him/me/the dog)?

I'm 99% positive this was the stated agreement, and he's found a loophole. Last Christmas, many times we've spoken with his parents on how we would be staying home this year. Racking my brain, thinking of where a miscommunication could've occured...
 
My only concern that if he changed the agreement like that, would he do it again and again about other situations? He needs to learn to stick to his agreements with you. If not, it can present continued challenges for both of you.
 
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