Need advice on communicating with HoH bf

[polly88]

I am a hearing woman dating a HoH man (both in our 30's). He only uses oral communication with everyone, having no interest in communicating with ASL whatsoever; instead, he prefers lip-reading and using his residual hearing to communicate. A little more background on him is that he is an only child who lost his hearing at age 3, has no hearing in one ear and can hear very little from his other ear. Without the help of his one and only hearing aid, he cannot hear at all. He is an amazing person who has overcome many difficult obstacles in his life. He does not have much dating experience, as I am the first woman he has seriously dated. We only met five months ago, and up until a month ago things were great. I am inspired by his strength and drive in life, he is the sweetest, most generous, loving man I have ever met in my life.

Our biggest struggle lately has been communication. I feel that he assumes what I am going to say, what I did say, and what I will say to avoid having to go through the trouble of asking. Additionally, I feel that I have to repeat every single thing I say, which is extremely frustrating. Sometimes he'll ask me a question and as I am answering he will look away because he is distracted by something else and I'll have to repeat my entire response or he will only hear half of it and assume the rest. Also, he tries to have conversations in the car while we are driving, which is virtually impossible because to have a conversation the lighting needs to be adequate, and we need to be facing one another -which we cannot do while driving.

I obviously know that to be in a happy healthy relationship with a HoH man I have to expect and accept the communication issues that go with it. I was just hoping that there is someone else out there who can relate to what I am going through and offer up any advice on how we can make communication easier. It's difficult enough that he and I cannot talk about or listen to music, cannot dine in loud restaurants, cannot enjoy any of the sounds of nature, cannot have a deep conversation, sit around a bonfire with friends and talk, cannot sing a song on the radio, cannot go to/have dinner parties without him feeling left out, cannot tell each other jokes (because they're misheard or misunderstood). --Having communication problems on top of it makes things one million times worse.

I do love this man so much, but I'm beginning to feel that he deserves someone with the patience to deal with the communication barrier. I'm wondering if I'm the right person for him because he has been through enough and doesn't need me to make him feel bad that he cannot hear. He deserves the world.

I'm afraid that if things don't improve soon, I will give up on the relationship. Any constructive advice? Thanks so much for reading this.

 

[Bottesini]

I am a hearing woman dating a HoH man (both in our 30's). He only uses oral communication with everyone, having no interest in communicating with ASL whatsoever; instead, he prefers lip-reading and using his residual hearing to communicate. A little more background on him is that he is an only child who lost his hearing at age 3, has no hearing in one ear and can hear very little from his other ear. Without the help of his one and only hearing aid, he cannot hear at all. He is an amazing person who has overcome many difficult obstacles in his life. He does not have much dating experience, as I am the first woman he has seriously dated. We only met five months ago, and up until a month ago things were great. I am inspired by his strength and drive in life, he is the sweetest, most generous, loving man I have ever met in my life.

Our biggest struggle lately has been communication. I feel that he assumes what I am going to say, what I did say, and what I will say to avoid having to go through the trouble of asking. Additionally, I feel that I have to repeat every single thing I say, which is extremely frustrating. Sometimes he'll ask me a question and as I am answering he will look away because he is distracted by something else and I'll have to repeat my entire response or he will only hear half of it and assume the rest. Also, he tries to have conversations in the car while we are driving, which is virtually impossible because to have a conversation the lighting needs to be adequate, and we need to be facing one another -which we cannot do while driving.

I obviously know that to be in a happy healthy relationship with a HoH man I have to expect and accept the communication issues that go with it. I was just hoping that there is someone else out there who can relate to what I am going through and offer up any advice on how we can make communication easier. It's difficult enough that he and I cannot talk about or listen to music, cannot dine in loud restaurants, cannot enjoy any of the sounds of nature, cannot have a deep conversation, sit around a bonfire with friends and talk, cannot sing a song on the radio, cannot go to/have dinner parties without him feeling left out, cannot tell each other jokes (because they're misheard or misunderstood). --Having communication problems on top of it makes things one million times worse.

I do love this man so much, but I'm beginning to feel that he deserves someone with the patience to deal with the communication barrier. I'm wondering if I'm the right person for him because he has been through enough and doesn't need me to make him feel bad that he cannot hear. He deserves the world.

I'm afraid that if things don't improve soon, I will give up on the relationship. Any constructive advice? Thanks so much for reading this.

I guess no one has any advice :-(

I usually seem harsh to hearing people, but since you ask, the bolded part shows exactly where your priorities in a relationship lie.

Obviously your instinct that you are the wrong person for a deaf partner are correct.

So that's the extent of my advice.

 

[A Nihilist]

I usually seem harsh to hearing people, but since you ask, the bolded part shows exactly where your priorities in a relationship lie.

+1 if you can't share jokes or have conversations how are you even involved with this guy? Do you only share experiences in the bedroom?

 

[dereksbicycles]

Hey, you know, there are a lot of people who get a ferret and then find out that their ferret is deaf. THey've to adjust. They've to find a different way to communicate with ferret or else ferret will just run around and hide keys. The trick is to find a way for you to express to a ferret that it's wrong to hide keys. Obviously, it's hard because ferret is deaf and refuses to learn how to sign with hands.

So the saga of deaf ferret continues. Please let me know what happens next??

 

[VacationGuy234]

I'm in almost the exact same situation as the man you describe although I've never had hearing in one of my ears instead of having lost it very young.

I find it amazing that they guy would want to talk in the car while driving. For me, it is really kind of a painful to do it as I know I'm not getting everything and I'm trying not to get us killed.

Still, some of the things you mention are really overkill. Yes, it's hard to understand in loud restaurant, but that's true for anyone, granted more so for him. As for the other things you've mentioned, "cannot enjoy any of the sounds of nature, cannot have a deep conversation, sit around a bonfire with friends and talk, cannot sing a song on the radio, cannot go to/have dinner parties without him feeling left out, cannot tell each other jokes (because they're misheard or misunderstood)." This is only partially true. He can have a deep conversation; he can sing a song if it is a song he has already heard it; he can go to parties without feeling left out(this is his issue); he can understand the jokes as long as you look at him so while you are going to have issues with him it's not all as bad as you make it seem. Don't think you know how he feels because you don't, it may be perfectly OK for him to NOT hear everything. There are plenty of times he is going to enjoy being at that campfire in spite of not hearing everything. Unless you are dealing with someone who has chronic depression most HoH people are not as you describe. Afterall, he's lived this life and should understand it by now so I'd give him some credit.

You've got to be patient with this relationship, but trust me there are good times as well. And, since this is his first relationship it can't be easy. He's never had to deal with another person in his life before and that is a big adjustment.

 

[ambrosia]

I usually seem harsh to hearing people, but since you ask, the bolded part shows exactly where your priorities in a relationship lie.

Obviously your instinct that you are the wrong person for a deaf partner are correct.

So that's the extent of my advice.

I don't know....it does seem a bit harsh. When she said it's "bad enough that" blah blah blah, I get more the impression that these aren't the big important things in their relationship, but other little things that pile up. I can understand her point. It's things like that that I'm afraid of that will turn a guy off to me. So actually this is kind of reaffirming my fears. ugh. I don't think people give little things enough credence. It's not always big stuff that will ruin something. Little things will build you up or tear you down, they're what's going to make you happy or drive you crazy.

My advice is to talk to him about your communication problems. If he's looking away while you're talking to him and things like that it doesn't sound like he's making an effort to listen to you. Yes the hearing person is going to have to make the most changes in how they communicate, but the HoH/deaf person does have to at least try to pay attention. So no, this isn't all on you.

 

[apatz]

So many problems can be solved by a piece of paper and a pen/pencil. Just some quick background I am 27 and was able to hear for the first 20 years of my life. After losing my hearing I didn't date much like your BF and have only dated one girl in that time she was hearing but knew a little sign language (more then me but we worked on it a bit) Well anyway at times our communication was shaky and I could tell she would get frustrated but as far as things like in a restaurants, campfire or just sitting around in groups things can be better understood if you write it out or just put the word of the main subject of the conversation so it id easier for your BF to pick up and join in. I hope you decide to stick it out for a while longer and try to find a connection where it is needed

 

[whatdidyousay!]

I am a hearing woman dating a HoH man (both in our 30's). He only uses oral communication with everyone, having no interest in communicating with ASL whatsoever; instead, he prefers lip-reading and using his residual hearing to communicate. A little more background on him is that he is an only child who lost his hearing at age 3, has no hearing in one ear and can hear very little from his other ear. Without the help of his one and only hearing aid, he cannot hear at all. He is an amazing person who has overcome many difficult obstacles in his life. He does not have much dating experience, as I am the first woman he has seriously dated. We only met five months ago, and up until a month ago things were great. I am inspired by his strength and drive in life, he is the sweetest, most generous, loving man I have ever met in my life.

Our biggest struggle lately has been communication. I feel that he assumes what I am going to say, what I did say, and what I will say to avoid having to go through the trouble of asking. Additionally, I feel that I have to repeat every single thing I say, which is extremely frustrating. Sometimes he'll ask me a question and as I am answering he will look away because he is distracted by something else and I'll have to repeat my entire response or he will only hear half of it and assume the rest. Also, he tries to have conversations in the car while we are driving, which is virtually impossible because to have a conversation the lighting needs to be adequate, and we need to be facing one another -which we cannot do while driving.

I obviously know that to be in a happy healthy relationship with a HoH man I have to expect and accept the communication issues that go with it. I was just hoping that there is someone else out there who can relate to what I am going through and offer up any advice on how we can make communication easier. It's difficult enough that he and I cannot talk about or listen to music, cannot dine in loud restaurants, cannot enjoy any of the sounds of nature, cannot have a deep conversation, sit around a bonfire with friends and talk, cannot sing a song on the radio, cannot go to/have dinner parties without him feeling left out, cannot tell each other jokes (because they're misheard or misunderstood). --Having communication problems on top of it makes things one million times worse.

I do love this man so much, but I'm beginning to feel that he deserves someone with the patience to deal with the communication barrier. I'm wondering if I'm the right person for him because he has been through enough and doesn't need me to make him feel bad that he cannot hear. He deserves the world.

I'm afraid that if things don't improve soon, I will give up on the relationship. Any constructive advice? Thanks so much for reading this.

What about using a computer to talk to one another in a restaurant or text one another. There are plenty of way of communicating and not having to talk. Any there a lot of things to enjoy on a nature walks , hearing the sounds is not all there to nature. And when you do talk to him try keeping it short as read lips can get be tiring to do for a long time.

 

[BornMellow]

This is the reason why I am not willing to go through dating hearing men anymore. Those feelings OP said came up I am on the other side of the fence as a female deaf person who is missing out on the jokes, on the music topics and unable to hear his voice on the phone to understand how he is really feeling that day when can't see him in person. Those things hit a sore spot in my relationship with the guy. To the comment about texting/AIM. It is not good enough in my opinion- emotions can be better communicated through voice on the phone. Every person is different in needs of communication with another.

Just be patient, and take it one day at a time. I have no suggestions as apparently the hearing aid needs to be upgraded for him to hear better if he is having difficulty communicating. How is he handling a job on his own with those type of issues hes having?

 

[MushyCookies]

I usually seem harsh to hearing people, but since you ask, the bolded part shows exactly where your priorities in a relationship lie.

Obviously your instinct that you are the wrong person for a deaf partner are correct.

So that's the extent of my advice.

I am going to have to agree with Bottesini on this one. Yeah, that was a bit harsh but it is the truth. =/

It is clear that those issues bother you, so very much that you put it in a bold text form.... and you don't seem to be wanting to change to accommodate to his hearing issues. I honestly think he deserve to be with somebody who is much more understanding than you seem to be...and has the patience to deal with those petty things.

Good luck.

 

[ambrosia]

The poster didn't bold those things, Bottesini did

 

[VamPyroX]

I usually seem harsh to hearing people, but since you ask, the bolded part shows exactly where your priorities in a relationship lie.

Obviously your instinct that you are the wrong person for a deaf partner are correct.

So that's the extent of my advice.

I agree.

While I would personally be quick to say, "That's great!" when a deaf person is dating a hearing person. But deep inside, a million things will run through my head telling me of all the ways the relationship will fail. What most of those things have in common? Communication.

I do know a few deaf/hearing relationships that turned out to be great. Those relationships were between hearing CODA and deaf or hearing interpreter (who spends 90% of her time with deaf people) and deaf. I even had a hearing interpreter at RIT who married a deaf guy. They've been married for almost 10 years now and I think they have 2 kids already. Never seen them happier.

If the hearing person complains about communication and doesn't bother trying, then... forget that person and move on!

 

[ambrosia]

Okay, polly88, you seem to have offended the deaf community. They read the part about other things that you won't be able to do and enjoy in your relationship and have just ignored or forgotten the actual problems with your communication with your boyfriend.

You say he looks away from you while you're talking, seems to assume to know what you're saying or what you're going to say. Let me tell you something about talking to a deaf or HoH person. They are going to miss stuff even if they're looking at you. Here's a good indicator. If they haven't asked "what" or for a repeat....they are not paying attention to what you're saying, they are just letting you talk. They probably know what you're talking about, but they don't care about so they aren't actually listening.

This could be a man thing to. My husband is hearing and he wouldn't pay attention to me when I was talking to him. He'd sit there watching TV, then he'd get mad at me if I asked him if was listening, if he said he was, I'd ask to him to repeat what I said. On the other hand if I didn't do this, later when what I told him came up, like say I was telling him about something we needed to do with the kids, he'd get mad that I didn't tell him. Oh yes I did you just weren't paying attention to me.

Communication is a 2 way street., and all the pressure of ensuring communication should not fall just on the hearing person in the relationship. Yes, you are going to have be patient and understand that there are some things you can't do with him. You are going to have to repeat yourself and make sure you're looking at him when you're talking to him. Don't talk to him from another room etc etc. It sounds like you already understand that. But, don't feel like you have to make all the effort in communicating. It's hurtful when the person you are talking to isn't paying any attention to what you're saying, whether that person is deaf, HoH or hearing. I'm HoH, so this isn't coming from a hearing person's perspective