Mother in law trouble

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Jasmine4lakshmi

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Hi everyone, I just wanted to get your view on my current situation. I am married to a man who has normal hearing, and his whole family has normal hearing. We've been married for almost 3 years (August) but been together for 5 1/2. In the beginning his mom loved me, we were good friends and understood that I have a hearing impairment. We had our first child 2 years ago, and since then she has found more reasons to cause drama and problems in our lives. She doesn't believe me that I can't hear her on the phone, so she gets very angry when I text her things. She has told me things like I am killing her son by having a cat, and not to get happy about having a baby because I will more than likely miscarry, and the latest thing she is angry (not even speaking to me) is I found out there is a lung disease in her family. She has it, all her siblings have it, and one of them is actually on a transplant list. My husband already is showing signs. This concerns me as a wife but more so as a mother. My daughter became ill with RSV, and her dr told me to keep her away from cigarette smoke, and this would help my daughter even more so with not getting the lung disease that runs in my husband's family. My mother in law smokes. I nicely asked her not to smoke around my daughter and ever since then she has refused to speak to me. She is even more angry because my husband and I moved away (sister had leukemia, single mom, so we moved to take care of her kids who I have guardianship over) and then now we are expecting our second child. I hate it that she hates me, but really dislike it that she is treating my daughter like crap, and my husband too. Should I confront her and tell her how I feel or just disregard her as part of my family? I am not a kind of person who has many enemies. What would you do? I really hate it that she thinks I am faking a hearing problem. (uh, I am wearing hearing aids)
 
Agreed. It sounds like this woman has mental issues and it's not likely to get resolved because that involves cooperation on her part, so I wouldn't bother to confront; she knows what she's doing is wrong, she just doesn't care. I'd cut all ties with your husband's family. It sounds harsh, but if she's unbalanced, you're not going to change her behavior. I give you a lot of credit for trying to keep it civil.
 
Staying far apart from MIL is probably the best way.

What does your husband say and do about this situation?
 
you are doing right thing.if she wanted see her grandchild them smoking will cos problems and if she love her son and grandkids it should not be issue she shud be happy to do it...this lady got serious mental issues and needs help you need pointers how to cope with her aswel...good luck hun
 
Thank you guys for the replies. I want to sever ties, but needed to figure out if it was a mean and irrational thing on my side. My husband is upset with her, he doesn't understand why she is being so mean to me. My daughter is only 2, but when she is around, my daughter throws a huge fit when she sees her. Like she really doesn't like her grandmother. It sucks because before I asked her to smoke else where, she loved my daughter. She probably does have mental problems but she is against going to the doctor unless you are about dead. Even if a doctor is involved, she thinks they are full of crap. She has told me so. My daughter has had milk allergies, up until a few months ago, and when she was 6 months old, I told my mil that and she said No, she doesn't have allergies to milk, and when I left, she gave my daughter milk, then denied it. I know she did because I've seen my daughter's reaction to milk, rashes, hives, runny BMS, and just plain colic. I am not stupid, I know my own child. She also sees my husband and I as kids. I am going to be 30 in October. He's 27. She is probably also angry because her son sided with me, and she is used to being the one who gets what she wants. The world revolves around her. In fact, her husband is afraid of her, and won't let him watch movies other than Lifetime and Hallmark movies. He is lucky he gets to watch Football but only because she likes football. I will never control my husband or child that way.
 
yeah, cutting ties with her sounds like the best option. You have your own family to think about, and if she's not willing to stop smoking around your daughter (and new child) and actually be nice... why keep trying to work things out with her?
 
It seems that you've tried hard enough and it didn't work out with the MIL. You have to protect your children, so that probably means cutting MIL out of your life. Other than sending her cards for special occasions, and pictures of the grandkids, stay away from her. Just be sure that you and your husband agree to this together.

My daughter and SIL are hearing but they had problems with his mother. They had to break ties with her a few years ago. It was hard, especially since she lives nearby. They don't ignore her completely (they send cards) but they don't invite her to their house. They had to change their locks, and eventually move to another house, to avoid her. But they knew that MIL was toxic for their family (they saw what she did to other family members in the past), so they had to protect themselves.

It's a sad thing but sometimes it's necessary.
 
I had the same type of problems and was told by a doctor and a attorney to sever ties with my MIL. Now, after a few years, she begged us to come to her aid as her health was declining and her hubby as dying. We came to help and got here the day after FIL died and have been helping MIL for the last 3 years. She still thinks I am faking my hearing loss and doesn't believe that my kids also have hearing losses. She thinks my daughter is faking her speech problems and learning disabilities. She also thinks I am faking my allergy to milk. I have learned to choose the battles and just decided to have my audi prepare and send a letter to MIL explaining my hearing loss and what the audiogram means. Same for my kids. Also, I had my doctor send her a note explaining all my allergies and the side effects possible. My therapist I had in Missouri has also sent her a letter explaining the diagnosis I had with her. Now, when MIL decides to make some disparaging comment, I calmly tell her to choose to accept my help or do without and fend for herself. She quiets down in a rush.
 
Jasmine4lakshmi said:
Thank you guys for the replies. I want to sever ties, but needed to figure out if it was a mean and irrational thing on my side.
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It isn't. This isn't something you're going to win - the ball's in her court and she's decided, and for your child's sake, you need to make a clean break. People with mental issues aren't rational, they don't seek help, and don't want to be "fixed"...you sound like a caring person but it's her behavior that needs to change, not yours - and she thinks everything is your fault somehow. Wish her well, call at holidays, send cards on her birthday/holidays, etc. but move on with your life.
 
Give your in law a list of rules. If she can not. Follow your reasonable rules then you have to ask her to stay away. Its your family, make the rules you want
 
many million wives can makes choices rules for in-laws for examples if have smoke or not

kids loves grandma lots some not wanted visit grandma for reasons to stay away for health reasons if wives who expecting pregnant not near smoke that bad choice!

i would agree with Jasmine's first and second posts
 
Severing your ties with your MIL definitely isn't mean or irrational when she technically harms your kid and puts her in danger. It is your duty as a mother to protect your kid. Your kid(s) should come first before anything or other people. I know it will really suck emotionally to cut ties with a relative or someone who is theoretically expected to make a good/loving grandmother to your kid though. You gotta do what you gotta do. :S
 
I am all for my daughter having a relationship with her grandmother, and her aunts and uncles who still live at home, but she doesn't even like her grandmother right now. Last several times we have seen them, she throws herself down and cries, or runs away. I am pretty sure she senses the tension between her grandmother and me. Of course she isn't going to like someone who doesn't like her momma. It bothers me, because my husband is very close to his mom, or was, and when he goes down there, there is tension between us too, like his mom tells him things bad about me. Like I am only pregnant because I want to trap her son forever and ever. Uh NO. That is what families do? They get married, they start families of their own.
 
Jasmine4lakshmi said:
... his mom tells him things bad about me. Like I am only pregnant because I want to trap her son forever and ever. Uh NO. That is what families do? They get married, they start families of their own.
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I hope he is telling his mother, "I don't want to hear any more accusations against, or complaints about my wife; if you don't stop, I'm leaving, and I won't be back unless you stop." And then he DOES it!

BTW, someone needs to clue her in that marriage is supposed to last "forever and ever" but it's not a "trap."

You are totally right about starting a family of your own. Right from the beginning, God said, "Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh."
 
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