Mixed hearing/deaf at restaurants

[joycem137]

Hello!

After I had to stop taking ASL class due to work becoming crazy, I had the opportunity to start taking individual lessons from a Deaf tutor in the local Deaf community. Our lessons generally take place at restaurants.

This particular restaurant is one where my CAPD doesn't bother me much, so I understand close to 100% of what is being said. During our first lesson, I ordered my food using speech like I usually do, but the server seemed to have trouble communicating with my tutor. Instead of taking the time to communicate directly with my tutor, he kept trying to relay conversation through me! It was really frustrating, and I had to keep redirecting the man to talk directly to my tutor instead of me.

After discussing it with my tutor, I suggested something I had read in "Reading Between the Signs," a book on Deaf culture written for ASL interpreters. It suggested that when deaf and hearing go out to dinner together, hearing folks should avoid using voice. This creates an equal footing for all members of the group and does not establish any particular person as different than the others. People are treated equally and don't receive preferential treatment.

After our first lesson, we put this into practice, and it works splendidly. We both are treated equally; I don't receive preferential treatment.

However, I am highly aware of the fact that pretending to be Deaf is generally considered extremely rude in Deaf culture. As a result, I sometimes feel uncomfortable not using my voice as it could be seen as pretending to be deaf.

Once my tutor arrives, he takes charge of the situation, and I generally don't have to deal with the server except to order, so no voice is no big deal. But if I arrive early, I have to interact with the servers on my own, and I'm not sure whether I should use my voice or not, whether using it and then not using it might be considered "playing deaf" or something.


On a related note, when I was taking my ASL 1 class, our teacher asked us to do "no-voice labs," which our group took to mean 100% no voice. No speaking to restaurant servers, store clerks... nothing. We generally tried to explain to the staff of wherever we were that we were ASL students and not Deaf, but still...

Once we were done with ASL 1, we continued these meetups, but without the strict no-voice policy: We now would only use ASL internally within our group, and use speech to talk with people outside our group.


It is important to me to be respectful of Deaf people and Deaf culture, and I am curious to hear other perspectives on these things. Does this seem appropriate, or are there ways of handling these sorts of situations better?


Incidentally, while my tutor is Deaf, our ASL meetup group is not 100% hearing, either. One of the group is oral deaf/hard of hearing, another is late deafened/hard of hearing, and I have a CAPD, which makes me situationally hearing or hard of hearing. I'm not sure if any of this matters culturally, but I'm putting it out there anyways.

 

[dereksbicycles]

As a deaf person, I don't mind if my hearing girlfriend orders for me every time we go out. I've enough self esteem to know that if I go out on my own, I can order for myself.

Some people have negative perspectives about rottweilers, but I have one anyway.

Some people looks at deafness negatively and I can deal with it. Life goes on.

 

[GrayEagle]

I am HOH and in most situations, I am the one having difficulties hearing in restaurants. But I still order for myself and of course, I still use my voice. I began losing my hearing later in life, in my 40s, so I use all my communication tools: my aids and my voice and my eyes. If I can't understand the server, I ask for a repeat, speak up, etc. I request a table in a quieter part of the place, not near speakers (if they have background muzak) or the kitchen or service stations, etc.

*However* in our ASL class which is for Late Deafened or Hard of Hearing beginners and a hearing family member, if applicable (like my husband), sponsored by the local Deaf Advocacy agency, we are required to be voice off. Because we use every tool available, most of us are used to using our voice, and straining to hear and not use ASL except in class. So, this makes us SEE and work on understanding signs others are using as well as signing ourselves, using body language (which we may not do in hearing world as much). So by voice off it forces us to fully concentrate on learning our new language.

So, I don't know if I would go voice off in "mixed company" of hearing and Deaf and Hard of Hearing, or not. But I would definitely explain to servers that they need to speak with the person directly and not look at me or someone else. Like you did. Sometimes people working with the public don't have a lot of experience with people with hearing loss. They know what to do for wheel chairs, right? They can spot a blind person by their white cane or dog, right? But hearing loss is invisible until communication actually begins, so they are often just ignorant. I always ask for a repeat, and explain right away that I am HOH, the music is loud, loud people standing around us, so I couldn't hear, etc. Explain shouting no good, but being closer, speaking clearly, moving away from noise as much as possible, etc. When I do that, teach them what to do for me, I find people are grateful and ready to help as much as possible. Rather than look at me like I am either learning disabled or senile... :-o

I am who I am. HOH. I spend 99% of my time in the hearing world with hearing people. I don't apologize for using all my tools in mixed company, either. And in that case, I would voice *and* sign whatever I knew how to sign... I'm not afraid to ask for help, etc. All of it, aids, voice, eyes, limited ASL, are my tools. I expect people to communicate according to what works best for them, and their choices and options, and the situation at hand (mixed or fully hearing). And be polite enough to work with me to communicate as I will try to do for them. Now, if I were at a Deaf event or gathering, and everyone else was voice off, then I would respect that and do so. And try hard to use what ASL I know, of course. So, depends on the situation and venue, and I would hope I would be sensitive enough to be observant and try to go with the flow. After all, the most important thing, is have a good time, be mutually respectful and inclusive as possible, and communicate, right?

 

[dogmom]

what do "senile" or learning disabled" look like? :|

 

[Pythias]

I think this is an excellent question! I've found myself in this sort of position before and I never know what to do. If I'm with voice-off deaf friends, I usually vo, myself, as much as possible (my ASL is better if I don't speak at the same time), but I am concerned about looking like I'm "faking deaf" as well.