I resent my family

deafbajagal

deafbajagal

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I resent my family for never learning how to sign. How can they be okay with it? My father speaks four languages (other than English) fluently...ASL is not one of the languages he knows. I have four sisters - only the youngest can sign a little...but not enough to carry on a conversation. I have 67 first cousins...none of them can sign. I have 14 aunts and uncles - and none of them can sign. You get the picture.

They won't even use the Sorenson Relay to call me on the videophone. Or use IM. A few use e-mails and even fewer use texting.

Yet they wonder why I don't show up at Thanksgiving or Christmas for dinner. They wonder why I never know what is going on. One incident was when my grandfather was very ill and in the hospital. No one bothered to tell me. He died before I had the chance to say goodbye. I will never, ever forgive them for that.

I didn't know my sisters' full names until I was in middle school/ junior high school. There are so many memories that I have that just doesn't make sense because the context of what is going on during those times are missing.

Actually, I lied. I don't just resent them. I really and truly hate them at times. I finally packed up and moved thousands of miles away.
 
wow... i'm speechless... that's so backward! Although I do not know ASL but I make every effort to communicate with people by any means.
 
Wow... My whole family love me dearly and we (my family and I) are so bond. It's really hard to believe that is just sucks if my family don't give a fuck about me because of my deafness, or refuse to sign with me. I don't know what my real feel if they do that... :( *shudders*
 
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Yike, your family is a piece of cake!
They should be meeting your needs by contacting you in ways where it's two way street. It's indeed unforgivable that they didn't notify you about your grandfather until after the fact

Many families wonder why their deaf member rarely show up at family gathering for Christmas and whatnot. So that's not uncommon.

I'm more thankful for my family after reading/hearing stories such as yours.

If I were in your shoes, I'd resent the family, too.
 
me too, i do fully understand this. i dont like my family this much either, they have this thing about me doing the university, and yet they also assumes they are more right than me or everytime i raise up something or observation or whatever its like I cant be myself or talk to assert myself at home (at mums'), how typically fucked up is this? So yeah what you described is nothing particularily unusual, i dont like it either. its like im black BORN in the WHITE family in the time say, 150 years ago. it sucks. I live far away from them too, on my own and resent the fact i have to watch their success, marriages, kids, news and i got nothing...so you have my sentiment.
 
Deafbajagal, since learning ASL, my views on my family has since changed cuz I finally saw so many things that were wrong when it shouldnt be like my interpreting to them for my brother, missing out on what everyone is saying, and so forth. However, there is one incident that changed my relationship with them forever. In '99, my family all got together for my grandfather's 70th bday in San Diego. We rented a beach house. Mind you, some of my aunts and my cousings lived all over the US including my grandfather so to get everyone available and everyone to have the money to pay for airfare and the house was a miracle. My grandfather has 5 girls, my mom being one of them. Well, one night everyone gathered in the living room to say "Happy Birthday" and each of his daughter took turns giving him a gift. I didnt really know what was going on until each daughter sat next to him with the gift and they started reading from a letter about him. I guess all the girls decided that was part of their gift..each wrote a letter about him. So, as each of his daughter read their letter out loud, everyone laughed and cried. I saw that a special family moment was happening but I had no idea what they were saying and NOBODY, I mean NOBODY made sure my brother and I knew what was goign on nor shared what each of my aunts and mom read. We were completely ignored during that time. My brother was so used to it and acted all like nothing was wrong. I had just learned ASL and had just experienced what it was like to have full access to communication so I was getting angrier and angrier by the minute..hurt at the same time too.

I had never felt so hurt by my whole family like that like I did on that day. Since then, I distanced myself from them. I used to be so excited to see them and all that...no more.

No, I dont hate them but I resent them too. My brother has distanced himself a long time ago.

I know how you feel.

My mom is the only one who texts me...she did buy a sk so she could communicate with us. That's something at least.

:hug:
 
I am the only deaf in the whole family, so I know how it goes. Often I was left out while they social with hearings and at the family gathering dinner table for example, I ask mom what was it about, and all they said is oh later or never mind etc. I'm like... hello am I being invisible? So it sucks, and that's why I don't always social with family that much only for short time such as Thanksgiving, and Christmas for example. It would be nice to interpret what the conversation is about instead of leaving deaf out of the conversation.

My mom is the only one that signs well with me (SEE). My dad signs very little so does my sister. Sometimes there is communication barrier somewhere. It would be nice for everyone to learn sign language and to have deaf family to get involved with them. Unfortunately, it's rare nowadays and it's sad :(

I don't blame them for moving distant or staying distant from them because of what happened.
 
Brian said:
I am sort of in the same boat, DeafBajaGal.
Click to expand...



Brian and DeafBajaGal...


Me too same boat! :( but Only I see my sisters and brothers Every Christmas! Very limit conversation! :(
 
shel90 said:
Deafbajagal, since learning ASL, my views on my family has since changed cuz I finally saw so many things that were wrong when it shouldnt be like my interpreting to them for my brother, missing out on what everyone is saying, and so forth. However, there is one incident that changed my relationship with them forever. In '99, my family all got together for my grandfather's 70th bday in San Diego. We rented a beach house. Mind you, some of my aunts and my cousings lived all over the US including my grandfather so to get everyone available and everyone to have the money to pay for airfare and the house was a miracle. My grandfather has 5 girls, my mom being one of them. Well, one night everyone gathered in the living room to say "Happy Birthday" and each of his daughter took turns giving him a gift. I didnt really know what was going on until each daughter sat next to him with the gift and they started reading from a letter about him. I guess all the girls decided that was part of their gift..each wrote a letter about him. So, as each of his daughter read their letter out loud, everyone laughed and cried. I saw that a special family moment was happening but I had no idea what they were saying and NOBODY, I mean NOBODY made sure my brother and I knew what was goign on nor shared what each of my aunts and mom read. We were completely ignored during that time. My brother was so used to it and acted all like nothing was wrong. I had just learned ASL and had just experienced what it was like to have full access to communication so I was getting angrier and angrier by the minute..hurt at the same time too.

I had never felt so hurt by my whole family like that like I did on that day. Since then, I distanced myself from them. I used to be so excited to see them and all that...no more.

No, I dont hate them but I resent them too. My brother has distanced himself a long time ago.

I know how you feel.

My mom is the only one who texts me...she did buy a sk so she could communicate with us. That's something at least.

:hug:
Click to expand...

shel worded it out better than me, I too am only one in family, NONE of them knows any signs... my kid sister might know say 5 or 10, as she's befreind a terp/deaf hubbu at her chuch but thats smells like pity to me still

my mum and I txt alot, i still have contact with dad via email , not often as does with my brother and my littlle sister but the other 2 nah,.......
right now kind of mending ways with my brother and father which is good butthere something REALLY messy like my step mom is a 'special educator" and I get really pissed off with her.....(more on conceptual/poltical/operational level) and kind of felt sick cause they spolit me with dinners and wines when i see them, (i dont ask for that) but its just turns my guts to wrenched wrecks when i knowingly they got 'rich' living off 'great jobs' (dad was a mental hospital charge nurse - now imagine how i felt as ive been shoved to full mainstream becuase of my parents staunch beliefs in normalcy) and the all know i am in uni, doing post-grad with some far fetch ideas.....they even dared to 'correct me !!!!!!!" imagine my rill but i have to reverse that pity
i pity their ignorance, i pity their shortsightness, i pity them being dumb, i pity them to consider to me as some sort of 'problem' rather than as a person. its not a problem of being 'deaf' but a problem of being seen as inferiorally different, a treatment that society have taught them how to carry out that on me.

but yeah i was just saying shel's seem to have it more dealt with than i have. But that fine, at least i know now and working on building up peace, though admittingly i find it HARD to like my family. its just so incredibly easy to hate. sometimes in a twisted way I have to remind myself of star wars, not to full to the dark side...famous words is this; Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering
so its like i dont want to suffer from torment , if i cant change my family, then id try change the ways of people's insights in so affecting families in the future instead..... then id know ive done my bit to beat the shit out of that anger
 
my dad don't know how to sign it is getting hard for me to communicate with him
my mom, brother and sister signs but they ignore me when they get involved with convestation and they don't sign to me much telling me what they talk about
so i ignored them.
 
Grummer said:
shel worded it out better than me, I too am only one in family, NONE of them knows any signs... my kid sister might know say 5 or 10, as she's befreind a terp/deaf hubbu at her chuch but thats smells like pity to me still

my mum and I txt alot, i still have contact with dad via email , not often as does with my brother and my littlle sister but the other 2 nah,.......
right now kind of mending ways with my brother and father which is good butthere something REALLY messy like my step mom is a 'special educator" and I get really pissed off with her.....(more on conceptual/poltical/operational level) and kind of felt sick cause they spolit me with dinners and wines when i see them, (i dont ask for that) but its just turns my guts to wrenched wrecks when i knowingly they got 'rich' living off 'great jobs' (dad was a mental hospital charge nurse - now imagine how i felt as ive been shoved to full mainstream becuase of my parents staunch beliefs in normalcy) and the all know i am in uni, doing post-grad with some far fetch ideas.....they even dared to 'correct me !!!!!!!" imagine my rill but i have to reverse that pity
i pity their ignorance, i pity their shortsightness, i pity them being dumb, i pity them to consider to me as some sort of 'problem' rather than as a person. its not a problem of being 'deaf' but a problem of being seen as inferiorally different, a treatment that society have taught them how to carry out that on me.

but yeah i was just saying shel's seem to have it more dealt with than i have. But that fine, at least i know now and working on building up peace, though admittingly i find it HARD to like my family. its just so incredibly easy to hate. sometimes in a twisted way I have to remind myself of star wars, not to full to the dark side...famous words is this; Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering
so its like i dont want to suffer from torment , if i cant change my family, then id try change the ways of people's insights in so affecting families in the future instead..... then id know ive done my bit to beat the shit out of that anger
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Wow, Grummer. I like that end statement - if you can't change your family then try to change the ways of others' insight.

If they see you as a problem or burden, then they are indeed dumb. It is a true loss on their part. I hope they wake up eventally and see what a brilliant, amazing guy you are.
 
moonflower said:
my dad don't know how to sign it is getting hard for me to communicate with him
my mom, brother and sister signs but they ignore me when they get involved with convestation and they don't sign to me much telling me what they talk about
so i ignored them.
Click to expand...

Sometimes family members get so busy with talking that they don't take the time to stop and explain what is going on. This always pisses me off. Especially when it is a serious conversation or something I really need to know.

One time my mother was telling my sisters where to go for an emergency exit from my abusive father that night. I actually got left alone in the house with him because they had forgotten to tell me their plans...and the left - me. Mom came back with the police and kept apologizing to me for not telling me where to go (she thought I understood what she was saying). That night was one of the worse nights in my life.
 
Calvin said:
I am the only deaf in the whole family, so I know how it goes. Often I was left out while they social with hearings and at the family gathering dinner table for example, I ask mom what was it about, and all they said is oh later or never mind etc. I'm like... hello am I being invisible? So it sucks, and that's why I don't always social with family that much only for short time such as Thanksgiving, and Christmas for example. It would be nice to interpret what the conversation is about instead of leaving deaf out of the conversation.

My mom is the only one that signs well with me (SEE). My dad signs very little so does my sister. Sometimes there is communication barrier somewhere. It would be nice for everyone to learn sign language and to have deaf family to get involved with them. Unfortunately, it's rare nowadays and it's sad :(

I don't blame them for moving distant or staying distant from them because of what happened.
Click to expand...


Join the party boat, honey.
 
deafbajagal said:
Sometimes family members get so busy with talking that they don't take the time to stop and explain what is going on. This always pisses me off. Especially when it is a serious conversation or something I really need to know.

One time my mother was telling my sisters where to go for an emergency exit from my abusive father that night. I actually got left alone in the house with him because they had forgotten to tell me their plans...and the left - me. Mom came back with the police and kept apologizing to me for not telling me where to go (she thought I understood what she was saying). That night was one of the worse nights in my life.
Click to expand...

oh boy it might be very scary for you that night if i were you at that night i won't forgive mother for doing that to me.

hugs you
 
shel90 said:
Deafbajagal, since learning ASL, my views on my family has since changed cuz I finally saw so many things that were wrong when it shouldnt be like my interpreting to them for my brother, missing out on what everyone is saying, and so forth. However, there is one incident that changed my relationship with them forever. In '99, my family all got together for my grandfather's 70th bday in San Diego. We rented a beach house. Mind you, some of my aunts and my cousings lived all over the US including my grandfather so to get everyone available and everyone to have the money to pay for airfare and the house was a miracle. My grandfather has 5 girls, my mom being one of them. Well, one night everyone gathered in the living room to say "Happy Birthday" and each of his daughter took turns giving him a gift. I didnt really know what was going on until each daughter sat next to him with the gift and they started reading from a letter about him. I guess all the girls decided that was part of their gift..each wrote a letter about him. So, as each of his daughter read their letter out loud, everyone laughed and cried. I saw that a special family moment was happening but I had no idea what they were saying and NOBODY, I mean NOBODY made sure my brother and I knew what was goign on nor shared what each of my aunts and mom read. We were completely ignored during that time. My brother was so used to it and acted all like nothing was wrong. I had just learned ASL and had just experienced what it was like to have full access to communication so I was getting angrier and angrier by the minute..hurt at the same time too.

I had never felt so hurt by my whole family like that like I did on that day. Since then, I distanced myself from them. I used to be so excited to see them and all that...no more.

No, I dont hate them but I resent them too. My brother has distanced himself a long time ago.

I know how you feel.

My mom is the only one who texts me...she did buy a sk so she could communicate with us. That's something at least.

:hug:
Click to expand...


It is moments like those that we missed. And Shel - we both are pretty good at speechreading, speaking,and all that stuff that they said we needed in order to be part of this hearing "world"- but we're still DEAF. And we missed out on so much.

My mom said she realized one day. My family was at a restaurant...and I was quiet as usual. Then a group of deaf folks showed up at a nearby table- and I knew them. They ushered me to come over so I did. I chatted with them just for a few minutes (they did invite me to join them but I didn't want to be rude to my family) and then I got back to my table. My whole family was staring at me and I'm like, "What?" Finally my mother said they were in awe and shocked because I was over there laughing, involved with the conversation, and smiling. They said I was a completely different person. My mother said she always thought I was shy...but for some reason with deaf people I'm very outgoing. I said, "Mom. I'm not SHY. I've never been shy. What you see when I'm quiet...is withdrawn. That's what I am...withdrawn. I can't be outspoken and be myself when I don't know what the hell everyone's saying."
 
deafbajagal said:
It is moments like those that we missed. And Shel - we both are pretty good at speechreading, speaking,and all that stuff that they said we needed in order to be part of this hearing "world"- but we're still DEAF. And we missed out on so much.

My mom said she realized one day. My family was at a restaurant...and I was quiet as usual. Then a group of deaf folks showed up at a nearby table- and I knew them. They ushered me to come over so I did. I chatted with them just for a few minutes (they did invite me to join them but I didn't want to be rude to my family) and then I got back to my table. My whole family was staring at me and I'm like, "What?" Finally my mother said they were in awe and shocked because I was over there laughing, involved with the conversation, and smiling. They said I was a completely different person. My mother said she always thought I was shy...but for some reason with deaf people I'm very outgoing. I said, "Mom. I'm not SHY. I've never been shy. What you see when I'm quiet...is withdrawn. That's what I am...withdrawn. I can't be outspoken and be myself when I don't know what the hell everyone's saying."
Click to expand...


I'm quite the same as you, whenever my family is on the family table, I was the quiet person but I talk sometimes, depends if someone can use the AUSLAN handy, no one can't interpret everything during meal times, which is really impossible.

But last sunday, I had a friend with me from Melbourne, he was staying for the weekend in behalf of our friend's 21st... it was different, I was chatting with my sign language along with my friend and my family, they try their best to particapte well, but my parents are rusty in Auslan since I moved out - seriously, they're old. They were surprised on how quick that I and my friend could converse in Auslan, LOL!
 
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