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- Aug 25, 2011
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I feel like I've been cheated.
I said that to myself today.
I've tried not to say that to myself. Because I want to believe that others don't cheat you, you cheat yourself. That way your destiny is in your hands, right? You can think your way out of any problem, and overcome anything, right? I don't want to think of myself as a victim. I'm not a victim, I overcome. I always overcome, right? Again and again and again, right? Even though I have nothing to show for it.
But, no. I feel cheated. And today, I believe it completely. I was cheated.
I don't know what strange circumstances of fate conspired to leave me a deaf person at birth, to grow up in an oral-only program, to hack it through junior and high school as the only deaf person I knew, and to try four times for college and fail because I couldn't hear in the classes. To have clueless parents who couldn't figure out the plentiful clues that I needed more help. To have few hearing friends who have any clue what it is like being deaf, and I doubt that even know they have any idea.
To push for one last try at college with a remote Cprint system that is so crappy and poorly done that it doesn't make sense most of the time. And the college doesn't want to pay extra to hire Cprint services from NTID. Teachers that are mostly uninterested in what you're dealing with in class, that you can't hear. Teachers that insult you by giving their lecture by sitting on a desk between you and the rest of the class because "they thought the remote cprint captured their lecture for you." You have to fight for every single inch of accommodation. You have to fight just to be treated normally and with respect like everyone else. Isn't that wild?
I'm struggling in my classes right now. I reached the limit of what I personally know from my own reading last semester. Now we are going into technical territory that is new for me. I can't rely on what I know anymore. Now I have to rely on lipreading and remote Cprint. Guess what, it's not working. I'm having a hell of a time. And it's pissing me off.
I'm angry at myself. I'm a smart guy, I shouldn't have this much trouble, right? I got through half my program, barely. I should be able to get through the second half, right? Why isn't it working now?
I look at myself in the mirror. Dumbass. Stupid fucking dumbass. Worthless piece of shit. Can't even hack this.
Everybody's looking at me. My parents. My sister. My aunts and uncles. My cousins. My grandma. Friends. I feel like everybody is watching me fail in slow motion. I'm going to faceplant into the pavement and fuck up my face. And while I'm down there, I'm going to slam my face into the pavement again and again and again until I can't feel anything anymore.
I don't want to feel anymore. I'm so fucking tired of this.
I'm angry and I don't want to feel that way. That's not the real me. But I feel frustrated and trapped. I feel cheated.
I said that to myself today.
I've tried not to say that to myself. Because I want to believe that others don't cheat you, you cheat yourself. That way your destiny is in your hands, right? You can think your way out of any problem, and overcome anything, right? I don't want to think of myself as a victim. I'm not a victim, I overcome. I always overcome, right? Again and again and again, right? Even though I have nothing to show for it.
But, no. I feel cheated. And today, I believe it completely. I was cheated.
I don't know what strange circumstances of fate conspired to leave me a deaf person at birth, to grow up in an oral-only program, to hack it through junior and high school as the only deaf person I knew, and to try four times for college and fail because I couldn't hear in the classes. To have clueless parents who couldn't figure out the plentiful clues that I needed more help. To have few hearing friends who have any clue what it is like being deaf, and I doubt that even know they have any idea.
To push for one last try at college with a remote Cprint system that is so crappy and poorly done that it doesn't make sense most of the time. And the college doesn't want to pay extra to hire Cprint services from NTID. Teachers that are mostly uninterested in what you're dealing with in class, that you can't hear. Teachers that insult you by giving their lecture by sitting on a desk between you and the rest of the class because "they thought the remote cprint captured their lecture for you." You have to fight for every single inch of accommodation. You have to fight just to be treated normally and with respect like everyone else. Isn't that wild?
I'm struggling in my classes right now. I reached the limit of what I personally know from my own reading last semester. Now we are going into technical territory that is new for me. I can't rely on what I know anymore. Now I have to rely on lipreading and remote Cprint. Guess what, it's not working. I'm having a hell of a time. And it's pissing me off.
I'm angry at myself. I'm a smart guy, I shouldn't have this much trouble, right? I got through half my program, barely. I should be able to get through the second half, right? Why isn't it working now?
I look at myself in the mirror. Dumbass. Stupid fucking dumbass. Worthless piece of shit. Can't even hack this.
Everybody's looking at me. My parents. My sister. My aunts and uncles. My cousins. My grandma. Friends. I feel like everybody is watching me fail in slow motion. I'm going to faceplant into the pavement and fuck up my face. And while I'm down there, I'm going to slam my face into the pavement again and again and again until I can't feel anything anymore.
I don't want to feel anymore. I'm so fucking tired of this.
I'm angry and I don't want to feel that way. That's not the real me. But I feel frustrated and trapped. I feel cheated.