Husband won't sign...

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MommaC

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My 6 month old is profoundly deaf. Shes had her hearing aids for 2 months now and we've had early intervention teaching us signs as well as watching an hour a day of signing time with my 3 year old since the baby was born, because she failed the newborn screen and I just knew we needed to learn. I understand people learn at different rates, so I've tried to be patient, but my husband never signs, and gets frustrated very quickly when I ask him to practice. He also can't get her hearing aids in. He struggles for a few minutes and gives up even though I've shown him 200 times how to put them in. I'm seriously considering leaving. I don't want to be married to a man who makes no effort to communicate with or care for his child. Has anyone else been in this situation, or any deaf kids of a parent who won't sign? Please tell me what you think. Sorry if this is posted in the wrong place.
 
Lots of deaf people have non signing parents. It seems a little soon to leave him, unless this is just the final reason because you already had a bad marriage.

Does he provide your family with support by working, and play with the child and enjoy it other than not wanting to sign?

Men have big hands and babies have tiny ears. Is there some reason you want him to put the hearing aids in?

I am happy to say that I had a father and stepmother who united to take care of me and make my life the best the could, without tallying up who did hearing aid care, or any other obligations of child care.

If you told me he hated the child for being deaf and beat her, I would say to run away without leaving a forwarding address.

But what you are saying is he doesn't want to do things exactly as you want, and that seems like something that happens in any family.
 
It might take him a little more time to adjust.

Also, men are often more awkward with all kinds of baby care tasks.

Maybe he needs a male role model in the process. So far, he sees signing from babies, mommy and kid oriented videos. Is the early intervention individual a male or female?

This is a time of adjustment for your whole family. Don't be impatient.

Unless he has outright said, "I don't want any part of this deafness stuff" I would give him more time.

You all might benefit from some family counseling.
 
I agree with the OP. but I think you need to share exactly your feelings posted here with him. Make it clear that he is going to learn ASL and how to communicate with his daughter or you will not remain in the marriage. If he does not "get it" then its time to think about getting out!
 
I want to make sure I give him the time he needs to adjust, but it really makes me see him differently to see the very little effort he makes. If he sees anyone signing he just salks away and busies himself in other things. I don't want to demand he do things my way, but he has never tried to sign to her. He will hold her and just not talk or play with her. The ei teacher is a woman too. With the hearing aids, you're right, they're little and he does have big hands. I stressed about it because I've had some medical issues that have left the girls in his care several hours at a time, and if she sleeps or pulls them out, she always seems to be without them when he's in charge. I guess I just feel alone in the whole process, which I guess probably indicates issues other than this. He hasnt come out and said to hell with this deaf stuff, i just hear it in his actions...I just would hate for her to wonder at some point why he wouldn't learn for her. I don't
 
Oops sorry I'm on my phone and posted too soon. Last sentence was I don't want her to feel unimportant or unloved. I want her to be able to communicate at home in the easiest way possible for her. Everyone needs a soft place to land, I want her to be able to just be, and not have to worry about figuring out how to communicate with us.
 
You can get a jell to put on the ear molds that made is easier to put the HA on. The audiologist should have ,it called Oto ease and it really does help with new ears molds . Once your baby wore her HA for awhile the ear molds will become easier to put in as they'll have wax from ear on them and this help to slide them right in. I hope you'll be able to talk to your husband soon so you'll not let your feelings build up and cause a bigger issue .
 
I am deaf and my parents never really put in the effort to learn sign language for my brother and I and now, that I am an adult, I am more sad than angry. However that was back in the 70s when general society was very uneducated about AsL. I have seen with several of my deaf friends that if they have a parent who can sign fluently , it is usually their mothers. As an result, they are closer to their mothers than their fathers.

I would say give it more time but if your gut feeling is telling you that you can't remain in a marriage with someone who is not respecting your values, then only you know the answer to it. Usually men are more in denial about their children being different from what they expected so it could be the case with your husband.

Good luck!
 
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MommaC said:
I want to make sure I give him the time he needs to adjust, but it really makes me see him differently to see the very little effort he makes. If he sees anyone signing he just salks away and busies himself in other things.
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Maybe he feels inadequate in the presence of signers and needs to build confidence.

I don't want to demand he do things my way, but he has never tried to sign to her. He will hold her and just not talk or play with her.
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"Never" is more than a few months. Does he get enough time alone with her, without anyone watching? Was he more interactive with your first child as an infant?

The ei teacher is a woman too.
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I figured that.

Does the early intervention program also have a parents' group where he can meet other fathers?

With the hearing aids, you're right, they're little and he does have big hands. I stressed about it because I've had some medical issues that have left the girls in his care several hours at a time, and if she sleeps or pulls them out, she always seems to be without them when he's in charge.
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Does she really need them in 24/7, including sleeping?

I guess I just feel alone in the whole process, which I guess probably indicates issues other than this.
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I think that's the crux of the matter. That's why I suggest counseling and a support group. It's too much for you to deal with alone.

He hasnt come out and said to hell with this deaf stuff, i just hear it in his actions...I just would hate for her to wonder at some point why he wouldn't learn for her. I don't
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Just my opinion but I still think it's too soon to write him off completely. If there are other issues going on in your relationship it magnifies your perception of his failings with communicating with the baby.

Your baby does need more attention and effort, that's true, but don't let the rest of the family fall apart as a result. Deaf babies, just like all babies, do better in a healthy, happy family then in a troubled family.
 
shel90 said:
I am deaf and my parents never really put in the effort to learn sign language for my brother and I and now, that I am an adult, I am more sad than angry. However that was back in the 70s when general society was very uneducated about AsL. I have seen with several of my deaf friends that if they have a parent who can sign fluently , it is usually their mothers. As an result, they are closer to their mothers than their fathers....
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I agree. There is much more support and encouragement for the parents to learn to sign these days. It's not perfect--some parents just never come around--but it is much better.
 
MommaC said:
My 6 month old is profoundly deaf. Shes had her hearing aids for 2 months now and we've had early intervention teaching us signs as well as watching an hour a day of signing time with my 3 year old since the baby was born, because she failed the newborn screen and I just knew we needed to learn. I understand people learn at different rates, so I've tried to be patient, but my husband never signs, and gets frustrated very quickly when I ask him to practice. He also can't get her hearing aids in. He struggles for a few minutes and gives up even though I've shown him 200 times how to put them in. I'm seriously considering leaving. I don't want to be married to a man who makes no effort to communicate with or care for his child. Has anyone else been in this situation, or any deaf kids of a parent who won't sign? Please tell me what you think. Sorry if this is posted in the wrong place.
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I'm sad to hear your husband's acting like this. I completely agree with what Reba said. I'm hoping your husband will snap out of it and not waste any more precious time with the daughter. every minute of bonding counts.

I also wish you and your husband came to our kite-flying deaf event that we hosted few days ago. it's targeted toward to deaf kids with hearing parents. we also do include CODA (children of deaf adults which means hearing children with deaf parents), all-deaf families, and non-signing deaf children with hearing parents.

I was in awe when an entire families... I mean ENTIRE families as in mom + dad, aunts, uncles, and grandparents (not sure where cousins are but I assume they're toddlers) came together for their little deaf girl!!! they all know how to sign! not fluently but the parents can sign pretty good. they've made a great effort in learning ASL and participating in deaf events so they can communicate with her and socialize with her. it is very clear to me that the deaf girl is a very happy girl with very supportive families. I felt no hint of her feeling isolated or being isolated at all. she has a special needs (some kind of mental disability) but with much participation in social events and always feeling included with her families... she will definitely grow up as a strong independent girl.

I would strongly encourage you and your husband to visit any deaf event that mostly involves families so that you guys can observe how normal and happy deaf children with hearing parents are when everybody's signing and not being treated differently.
 
Introduce your husband to matt hamill. Might show him that deaf can be thought of as being crippled. Plus most fathers of deaf kids are not so into signing as the mother. May take him longer to get used to the idea. Like others my family never signed to me. But there wa still a famly bond. 6 months old is kind of young to really interact yet. Try getting together with other mothers of deaf babies
 
Reba said:
I agree. There is much more support and encouragement for the parents to learn to sign these days. It's not perfect--some parents just never come around--but it is much better.
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Yea...even now I see more parents signing with their deaf children but still mostly mothers. Just a shame that the men allow their denial prevent them from having a new experience in their lives.
 
shel90 said:
Yea...even now I see more parents signing with their deaf children but still mostly mothers. Just a shame that the men allow their denial prevent them from having a new experience in their lives.
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True. It would be better if the dads became more involved, too. Maybe it's still the perception among some that the majority of young child raising belongs to the mom, and along with that goes communication interaction. :dunno:

This is certainly worthy of study. Then, when we know the reasons, we can address solutions.

I still think more men might take up signing with their kids if they saw more male role models signing. The fact that most hearing men see only women and children signing gives them the impression that signing is not manly. (That's not correct, of course, but that could be their impression.) Let's face it--most people who work in Deaf ed, interpreting, early intervention, social services, etc., are women. Those are the people the father meets in his deaf child's early years. What men does he meet? Doctors, who of course represent the deafness-is-a-medical-problem-let's-fix-it model. Men prefer "fix it" solutions.

I don't believe it's always a case of hearing dad just not caring about communication with deaf child.
 
He might very well be having a difficult time working through the emotions of having a child with hearing loss. He might be hoping it "gets better" (regardless if he knows it won't).

He may be very self conscious about trying to sign because he's afraid he'll look "stupid" or not be "good at it".

Don't underestimate HIS journey in this as well. (and that it may well be very different than yours).

I'd take it easy for a bit, not stress about him not signing and instead focus on what he's doing "right". He doesn't have to talk or sign in order to play with her, he doesn't have to be the best at putting in hearing aids (heck, she shouldn't be wearing them 24/7 anyway ... they should be out when she's sleeping!)

You're just starting this journey. Once she starts really signing back, he might find it easier to attempt signing with her (since he'll see it is working, and doesn't have to be perfect).

You might want to ask around and see if there are any child and parent play groups for D/HH who sign and speak ... having peers of the same gender going through the same thing is critical. There's lots of "mommy and me" groups, less for men ... that makes it harder - it needs to change.(Maybe your family can set something up in your area if there isn't something already in place).

2 months (nor 6) isn't enough time for anyone to properly adjust to anything ... you need to give this time and give him a chance to actually process all this and become involved in a way that doesn't feel like you are creating all the "rules" for him on how it needs to be.

Breathe.
 
Reba mentioned men are the "fix it" type. For me at least this is very true. I fix problems for my family and I'm good at it. When I encounter a problem that can't just be fixed I don't know what to do. That's a pretty helpless feeling and I find that I often want to avoid the issue rather than hitting it head on. I'm not saying that right or wrong and obviously I have no idea if this is the way your husband is but if it is it's going to take him longer to figure out how he needs o deal with it. Like Anij said, 6 months is not that long.
 
Thank you all so much for the input! She's definitely not wearing her aids all the time. Being so young, she pulls them out a lot, I take them out when she nurses and sleeps and also in the car. I'm going to try not mentioning it, letting him go at his pace for awhile and see what happens. We talked and I told him how I felt, he says he'll make an effort, and agrees she deserves a family who can all communicate with her, so we'll see what happens. For those who mentioned getting involved with other families or support groups, we are in a very rural area and have been connected with one parent
 
Ack phone again sorry. We've met one other family with a deaf child nearby and it's a single mom. I am going to look into things near the md school for the deaf area and see if we can make a trip once a month or so, it's about 2.5 hours away. Thanks again :)
 
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