For years, I used to believe that I had serious personality issues, simply because I just couldn't integrate in groups very well at all. Of course, this made it more difficult for me to make friends with hearing people. I have a moderate hearing loss, but I still struggle. In group situations, sound is coming from multiple directions at different volumes and pitches, usually with background noise and unfortunately, that's often too much for me to handle.
People used to tell me that I was shy and that I should "stop being so shy". I thought that was my problem for many years, especially throughout my teens. I later asked myself "Why the f*ck am I "shy"?!". I'm very opinionated and I have no problems voicing my own opinions and concerns, so the concept of being a typical "shy" person just baffled me, it didn't make sense. Now I know that it's all down to the physical effects of my hearing. One cannot realistically integrate well in a hearing group if they're not even aware of what's going on. Being deaf in a hearing group is almost like being in a football team without knowing how to play football. How can we know what to say if we can't even hear them well in the first place? As a result, it's only natural for us to isolate ourselves from the group. In some situations, we may feel uncomfortable too, but that all depends on who we're with.
When I was a teenager, the last thing I wanted to do was draw attention to my hearing loss. I wanted to be "normal" and at the time, being hearing impaired was anything but normal to me. In a sense, I was my own worst enemy because I didn't accept my problem and because of that, I was simply unable to deal with it and that caused me serious problems which I'd rather not go into. Fortunately, I've become wiser as I've grown up. I understand myself better now and I try to adapt in order to accommodate my needs. I no longer hide my hearing loss, because that will only make life more difficult. If we can help others to understand us better, it will be much easier in the long run. Otherwise you're just going to be fighting a constant battle, one which you will never win. Unfortunately, we can't get away from the fact that our ears are f*cked up. However, we can learn to deal with it.
The best way for me to socialise in the so called "real word" is in one-to-one situations, in relatively quiet environments. I can handle small groups consisting of no more than 3 people providing we're not in a noisy environment, otherwise I may as well be mute as well as HoH. I guess my hearing loss is one reason why I spend so much time online. I find it so much easier to communicate and socialise with people online than I do in the so called "real world". At the same time though, I want to go out and explore the real world. I think that's important otherwise I could see myself spending all my free time online and that would not be healthy.
I think threads like this are really good. By listening to other people with similar problems, it helps us to reflect on our own problems. I find that this really helps me to understand myself better and that's a great help.
ExR,
I can certainly relate to your story. I have faced the same thing. Now I socialise a lot more online too. I appreciate AD very much.
The way I see it - everybody shouldn't have to struggle to communicate with anybody. It's best to learn the method of communication that will work best for you.
I knew you would understand having been through this as well. I know it will get better, but sometimes, I just feel like letting go a little. Not totally. I would never do anything like that.
