How do you do it?

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jshumko

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A few months ago, I started a blog "You Have to Be Deaf...". This is the same blog that I introduced here over a year ago but it has been moved to WordPress. The main purpose was to help my friends and family know and understand what it's like for me and for my husband as we work to bring our two worlds together. It took me six years from the day we were married to realize that I had no knowledge of the Deaf World and I needed help. I also needed for my friends and family to understand and work with me.

After over a year of blogging, I have learned much from reading this forum and from various people who have responded to my blog. That much is greatly appreciated. I could use more input.

My attempts to get my hearing friends and family to understand and work with me has been so discouraging. I have talked with people, dumped information on them from other sources, tried to teach them about what it's like to be deaf, to teach them the difference between a signer and an interpreter, and specifically what I go through when I try to interpret for my husband. I have cried and anything else I could think of to get them to close their ears and hear with their hearts. (This all makes more sense if you read my blog.)

I have tried to keep my blog honest but I also have to keep in mind the people that I believe are reading it, although I wonder if they read it at all. For example, the last post titled, "He Knows You!" is an honest post, but I am much more discouraged than it might seem. There are other things that happened that are more personal that I have not included in the blog.

My husband does not seem upset about what happened last Sunday. He said these sorts of things that I find so discouraging, such as an interpreter not showing up, is what he has been dealing with all of his life. He does not want me to dwell on it. I understand how it might be better to accept things as they are and not get too upset about the ignorance of people. But how can I not get upset, even angry, at people who expect him to be like they are. Specifically to expect him to want to participate in a hearing church when he does not know what is going on. (And don't anyone tell me it's the fault of the church.)

I do not understand how he can be ok about this. Why does this bother me more than it bothers him? Is it because I can hear what he is missing and I know how woefully incompetent I am? Everyone expects too much from both of us. How do you interpreters keep your cool?
 
jshumko said:
My husband does not seem upset about what happened last Sunday. He said these sorts of things that I find so discouraging, such as an interpreter not showing up, is what he has been dealing with all of his life. He does not want me to dwell on it. I understand how it might be better to accept things as they are and not get too upset about the ignorance of people. But how can I not get upset, even angry, at people who expect him to be like they are. Specifically to expect him to want to participate in a hearing church when he does not know what is going on. (And don't anyone tell me it's the fault of the church.)

I do not understand how he can be ok about this. Why does this bother me more than it bothers him? Is it because I can hear what he is missing and I know how woefully incompetent I am? Everyone expects too much from both of us. How do you interpreters keep your cool?
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Part of it is that he's used to it; it's how his life has always been. This doesn't mean that he doesn't know what he's missing, as you put it; it just means that if he got outraged every time some incident happened, he'd spend his whole life angry (or at least with a chip on his shoulder), and he'd never have time for anything else. As corny as it sounds, that kind of anger is truly corrosive to the mind. (I've had this discussion with a psychiatrist I was working with at one point, and she said that the explanation I gave her was something that they talked a lot about in school, and she understood it on a logical level, but emotionally comprehending it - and transferring her knowledge of general anger management to this specific kind of situation - was still difficult for her. Still, it's something that they work on with a lot of patients - anger management isn't just about not flying off the handle!)

The other thing is that people tend to be more willing to change if you don't make it a big deal. I've done a lot of work at my university with the woman who runs the disability services office to get certain parts of campus made more accessible to wheelchair users, and I interact with her a lot to get problems solved (broken elevators, the one door out of a given building being broken or blocked by construction, etc). Oftentimes, it's better if I mention these things as an "oh, by the way", and treat it like it's not a big deal. If I get very emotional about these things, or am confrontational, that makes others less likely to change what they're doing; she, on the other hand, has more room to be aggressive. This is both because it's what she's paid for, and because she has more status (she's older, she's "official", she "goes way back" with people on campus, etc). So my nonchalance means people are less on the defensive working with me to make things better, but if confrontation is needed, she is there for that.

Plus, when there's a really big or unusual issue that needs to be solved fast, my forcefulness has that much more impact because people know it's not my default state.
 
Thank you. I think I actually figured this out earlier today. The reason I was so upset about the interpreter not showing up was because I was really looking forward to this particular Sunday. It was a special meeting and I wanted to enjoy it. My husband is use to interpreters not showing up, but I am not. I wanted to ring her neck.

My husband laughed at me, actually.
 
alot of people dont understand how much a hearing persons life is changed when they decide to spend thier life with a deaf partner.


if an interpreter doesn't show up to an event, my gf is not the only one who cant enjoy the show, i can't either.

if we take a tour, and there is no printed transcript, we can't go on that tour.

if i want to see a movie in the theatre and they never show it captioned....we wait till its out on dvd.


an interpreter did not show up for a play my girlfriend and I wanted to see.....was the bookings fault for never calling and scheduling one, despite the fact we informed them months before the show. she forced me to stay, i just wanted to leave, yeah i got to see the show, but her not being able to enjoy it made me not able to enjoy it.

when we take a guided tour, and the tour guide decides he wants to try an earn some tips by deviating off the printed tour.....she gets left out and i gotta pick up the slack. Espically sucks trying to interpret bad jokes.
 
Ariakkas said:
alot of people dont understand how much a hearing persons life is changed when they decide to spend thier life with a deaf partner.
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You got that right. And people make incorrect assumptions when they see us together at church. They see me signing to him and think everything is fine and good. Then when we (he, or I, or both) do not show up, they assume it's because we don't like the Church, or we are offended by someone at church, or some other hearing person's reason. After a lot of explaining to several people, they are starting to understand that it has nothing to do with them or the Church. It's simply too frustrating with no interpreter there, and neither of us enjoys the frustration.

They are understanding enough that they are starting to do more for us. They are also laying off the guilt trips, which I am truly grateful for.

My life has changed dramatically since we married. I wouldn't have it any other way.
 
When you think about it, it kind of makes sense that they are understanding more now that I am explaining what it's like for me. They can relate to a hearing person, not a deaf person. It shouldn't be that way, but we are all human.

In their minds, they thought my husband should be willing to sit in church, not understand, but still feel the Spirit. I know that there are people who do that, and there are a lot (and I mean a LOT including kids), who sit in church and don't pay attention. He was not willing to do that for several reasons. They could not understand.

As soon as I started telling them that if he does not want to be there, I don't want to be there, and listed the reasons why, they understood.

After telling my bishop how upset I was about the interpreter not showing up, I said that if anyone ever asks me again why we (he, or I, or both) are not in church, I'm leaving the state. It was a joke (sort of).
 
maybe your friends and family are afraid they might use the wrong sign. they might be scared that it will come out wrong and that your husband will become mad at them for it. Maybe they feel like they wont be fast enought. Then there are just some people who don't care. I can see how it must be hard on you. I hope things get better :)
I have been learning sign language in college and I love it. there is a deaf boy who visits our class sometimes because his mom is the teacher. I always want to talk to him so bad but I am afraid he will use fingerspelling too fast, because I am not good at it. i am also afrai to ask him to slow down or that he may think i am just trying to suck up because his mom is the teacher. or maybe I feel sorry for him. I would just like to be his friend. it is hard thought because so many people want to talk to him at once. I don't want to bug him. Not to mention he's very cute :) so that throws me off too. but I am a taken woman so i don't want to get myself into anything.
But I wish you luck with everything. I am going to talk with that guy before the class is over. It's just kinda scary at first. i know i should not be afraid.
have a nice day sweetie :)
 
Thank you, trish. The problem with us is not that people don't care. They care too much, in fact, but do not seem to understand that the man is deaf, for heaven's sakes. If they want him to participate fully in the church, they are the ones who are going to have to accomodate him. That concept may never sink in. Their attempts at getting him to accomodate them were not helping and only making things worse. I hope I have helped them to see that.

My husband is the only deaf person in our little community, and most of the Deaf Community are at least 30 miles away in the big city. In spite of that he likes it here because he has made some good friends even if none of them know any sign. He does not use ASL and really does not understand when other Deaf use it. He reads, writes, speaks, and signs English.

He is quite approachable after people get over their initial fear of saying hello. He will talk to them and joke around, and make them feel at ease. This is one thing that attracted me to him since I was shy when we met. I have been literally forced out of my shyness. I assume people are basically the same, some are outgoing, some are shy, and most want to talk to someone who understands.
 
my gf parents force her to sit in church without a terp.i went with them last time we visited, and terped for her. i did fine, but since im not a curch goer, i wasn't privy to church specific signs.....still was alot better for her than having to stare at her feet all day.
 
Forcing anyone to go church (or laying on guilt trips) whether they be hearing, deaf, or whatever, is not a good idea in my mind. I was raised that way and I rebelled.

One of the things that is hard for me is convincing people that I am not being modest when I say I am unable to interpret for him in church. Even after explaining why, they just don't get it. Aside from the fact that our church has a list of over 300 signs that are specific to the LDS church, I do have some stiffness in my hands, and I'm old and worn out. The mechanics of interpreting have not convinced them. Maybe the old and worn out will.
 
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