How do become friends with an ex-boyfriend after a bad breakup?

[michelle1302]

this may be long and i apologize before hand...

My boyfriend and i went out for 6 months, it may not sound like it was that serious of a relationship, but he was my first love. We were friends before we got together and i think we had a great friendship. During our relationship we broke up and got back toghether a total of 3 times. It was kind of a bad relationship when i look back on it and he hurt me many times. Since we broke when people ask me about it him ive been telling them that i hate him so much b/c of how he treated me and what not. But, the truth is, and ive only told 1 person this, and it wasnt my best frined, i DONT hate him, i really dont. I know that i should, but i just cant. A few weeks ago i found a picture of us together and i also found his press badge with his picture on it and emotions got the best of me and i was a bit sad. The weekend of thanksgiving is when we broke it off for good and i havent seen him since. So thats about 2 months or so.

Well, about a month ago or so i went out with my friend. We were in the parkin lot @ in n out eathing and he being all nice and he started calling me ""baby" i got uncomfortable b/c ive now learned that when a call calls me baby it triggers all the good memories of me and ben (my ex). My mood shifted downward and he kept asking me what was wrong and i just blew it off and we went mini golfing. I thought that i was ready to go out and date again, but that night i learned that i wasnt. My friend from work wanted me to meet this guy that she thought would be great for me, and weve been talking on the phone, but i told her and him that i really wasnt ready and i didnt want to, but i ended up going down to his apt this past saturday and i was gonna spend the night, i told my mom that i was staying @ friends. We had fun and what not, and then he called me baby so again, i got uncomfy and i had to leave the situation, so i said that i had to go b/c my best friend needed me. I couldnt go home cuz i said i was gonna be @ my best friends house (she lives up north) so i had nowhere to go really, but one place. my ex's apt. So i went to his apt, knocked on the door, he opened the door and i asked if i could crash there for the night. To cut a very long story short we talked about why i was there and how i get uncomfy when i get called baby. We went to a superbowl party @ his friends and i had some drinks so i stayed the night on sunday. He had to get up early for work so i slept on the couch and left monday.

During our time together i was really emotional b/c i realized that i still like him, alot even though he hurt me and it was so hard to just not reach over and scratch his head and little things like that. I realized that i miss him as a friend so much and i cant tell u how many times i broke down in tears that weekend. On sunday he left his phone out on the table by the couch so i went thru his text msg in box and i saw a text that said "love you" and my heart sank, it so hard to see that. but then when i saw who it was from it wasnt from a girl. He has his friends old phone, its a pre pay phone so he can use it which is good cuz he didnt have to buy a new one and the text was from the girls husband, we went to their apt for the superbowl phone. Sunday night i left him a note saying that i would like to continue talking about everything so we can get on the path to be friends and how i appreciated him letting me stay there for those nights. And i asked if we were gonna try and be friends, and he said "yes. it was good to see you too. its was FUN."

So yesterday i sent him an email asking him if this weekend we could get together after he plays soccer and we could watch the game that was being shown in the morning and i could make dinner and then leave sunday. he said that this weekend is bad, but next weekend is okay and he thanked me for the offer to make dinner.
So im happy that were gonna get together and try and be friends cuz we were great friends and i miss that and there are many things that i need to say to HIM, but im not sure how i can do that since i still do like him, just a little.
ive never had to deal with this before so any help would be helpful.

What should i say to him when i see him...like i know most of what i want to say but are there any general things?
Man oh man, seeing him jsut made my life so much more complicated. Things would be so much easier if he woulda cheated on me or something...

Also, i guess its a good thing that im 20 and hes 27 and we live like 30 miles away from eachother so i havent been forced to see him unexpectdly.

Thanks guys
and SORRY this is long

ALSO-regardong valentines day...I was thinking of maybe gettin him a card and some boxes of sweethearts candy and leaving them on his windshield of his car @ work...would that be okay? And in the card put something like "Youve always been a good friend of mine and i hope that we can get back to how we were...happy v-day"

 

[michelle1302]

Thanks for your response however, ill have to disagree with most of what you said. Im over the fact that our relationship is over b/c i dont want to put myself in that situation again and because i know that we arent meant to be together, however, it is fair to say that i am not completley over him.

He is busy this weekend and i do know that for a fact. he does have to work on saturday and on sunday hes helping his friend move, and i saw his friend last weekend during the superbowl. Why didnt he invite me over just to have dinner? Well, because right now i am currently out of work and have been out of work for about 3 months so i have had no source of income, and my car, well, it gets about 10 miles to a gallon and when you have hardly any money you look @ see where you really need to go, so me going over there just for dinner isnt logical and as for me going to his soccer game, thats not logical for me to go to either. I know he hasnt moved on b/c i know how demading his work schedule is and he travels a lot and plus he said, that has no time for a relationship, thats part of the reason we broke up.

But, im not gonna go into everything and again, thanks for response, but i disagree.

Have a good weekend.

 

[Angel]

Michelle1302,

There's nothing wrong with being friends with your ex, as long you feel comfortable being around him and spending the time with him...Since you did say you had a great time and missing the friendship with him and you both agree to stay friends for awhile or whatever you are ready to go back to him....

The important thing is just follow your heart, if you heart tells you that you rather to just be friends for now, then fine, there nothing wrong with that either, just take a few steps back before rushing into another relationship with him so you wouldn't end up getting hurt once again...

I think giving him a nice friendship Valentine card is a great idea!..

Good luck girl!...

 

[TweetyBird]

Michelle1302,

There's nothing wrong with being friends with your ex, as long you feel comfortable being around him and spending the time with him...Since you did say you had a great time and missing the friendship with him and you both agree to stay friends for awhile or whatever you are ready to go back to him....

The important thing is just follow your heart, if you heart tells you that you rather to just be friends for now, then fine, there nothing wrong with that either, just take a few steps back before rushing into another relationship with him so you wouldn't end up getting hurt once again...

I think giving him a nice friendship Valentine card is a great idea!..

Good luck girl!...

yea i agree with ^Angel^ about that..

also, try think abt urself what u will say to him and tell him u need sit down and discuss with him abt how ur feeling and his how feeling.. so see if everything will be work out!! GOOD LUCKY!

 

[michelle1302]

Thanks guys!

I think that if we are able to become friends then thats as far it will go. We just arent meant to be together like that, as much as i hate to say it, its true.

 

[webexplorer]

I think deaflibrarian is right...

michelle1302 - You need to stop thinking of him. I feel sorry for you, but I do not want to put you down. It is really time for you to make a new life. Wish you a good luck.

 

[Angel]

(how old are you btw?).

Deaflibrarian,

she had said at the very first post of her age and his age....Look at the quote at the bottom, .

Also, i guess its a good thing that im 20 and hes 27 and we live like 30 miles away from eachother so i havent been forced to see him unexpectdly.

 

[Cheri]

ALSO-regardong valentines day...I was thinking of maybe gettin him a card and some boxes of sweethearts candy and leaving them on his windshield of his car @ work...would that be okay? And in the card put something like "Youve always been a good friend of mine and i hope that we can get back to how we were...happy v-day"

If you do not want a relationship with him again why would you send him a card and say "I hope we can get back to how we were"? I am more confused on that, weather you want to be his friend or you want more, But you already said you don't want him back because he hurt you too much. Correct? Then why would you want to write that down on the card? It sounds like you do want him back. You also mention you are not completely over him I can understand that it takes a while to get over a first love relationship expertly when you went back with him more than once. I think it is best to avoid him for a while, because you will never get over him if you keep seeing him while you still have feelings for him. I know from experiences.

 

[michelle1302]

Sorry if i confused you on that part.

I guess i should say this...before we got together we had a great friendship. We were friends for about 9 months or so and during that time we became really close. We share the same love of soccer, we met @ a game and when i meant that i wanted to get back to how we were, i meant as in friends, b/c he's always been an important person to me.

Sorry

 

[michelle1302]

That is why I suggested you get together with your girlfriends and make plans with them for the next several weeks so you are helped to get over him.

Btw, if you were not able to get to him being that your financial situation is tight and your car is crappy then he should be doing everything he can to get to where you live if he really wants to be with you. 30 miles is a quick 20 or 30 minute zip down the highway or am I wrong about the speed limit in the USA?

I've seen it all and heard it all with my girlfriends (how old are you btw?). I have deduced from their experiences, plus from reading countless of those self-help books at work before they are put on the shelves: Men will do anything and everything to be with a woman they want to be with, whether she is his girlfriend or a platonic pal. Why are you the one going to his place instead of him coming to your place?

From your email it sounded like you were the one that contacted him after not hearing from him for a while and you were the one that pretty much made all the planning for going to where he lives, watching the soccer game that he's playing in, watching something on telly, and making him dinner. He should be the one calling you saying I will come over to your place and make dinner for you or take you out for supper.

Again, I really suggest taking a quick look at that book, it's a real eye-opener even if many people don't like it.

I'll go to the bookstore this weekend and read some of the book there.

I dont really have many girlfriends. Im taking time off from college so i havent met new people and my best friend lives up north.

Well, Next week and weekend my best friend (who lives up north) will be back home for the weekend so im going to spend a few nights with her and then think about goin to his apt since they live 10 minutes from each other, so thats why im driving, b/c my best friend is flying down.

I live with my mom so thats a reason why he doesnt come over here, my mom doesnt really like him all that much and plus its awkward with my mom b/c we arent all that close.

About 2 weeks ago or so he was in arizona on business and he sent me an Instant Message, so he actually made the first contact since the breakup, then i crashed @ his apt and then sent the email.



Michelle

 

[Cheri]

Sorry if i confused you on that part.

I guess i should say this...before we got together we had a great friendship. We were friends for about 9 months or so and during that time we became really close. We share the same love of soccer, we met @ a game and when i meant that i wanted to get back to how we were, i meant as in friends, b/c he's always been an important person to me. Sorry

I understand You care a great deal about him, But same time you still have attach feelings forward to him, and that is very common too for first love. I think if you can explain to him on the Valentine's Day card that you want things the way it were as when we start out as friends. that would make it sound like you not clinging onto him, and he wouldn't think you still under him instead of over him. I know it is going to be tough for you to hang out with him maybe be jealous if he gets into a new relationship Are you are prepare to accept that?

 

[Gemtun]

Michelle, I was in your shoes last summer. I too posted similiar thread here about how to remain friends with an ex.

But my ex did not want to be friends so I had to let it go. I really struggled with it for a few months. I wanted to email, call and see him so we could have our talks again. Silence was what I got from him.

Looking back, all but 2 of my exes didnt want to remain friends. They said it was too awkward and hard for them. I think for the most part, people would rather move on and forget the pain etc.

It takes 2 people to make a friendship work out. Obviously he is wary with you. Obviously he is not that eager like you but I do see his half hearted attempts. I would not recommend that you give him Valentine's Day card because it is too "much" for someone trying to renew friendship.

I can only suggest that you not have high hopes for renewed friendship because it will suck if he hurts you again. Be realistic.

HUGS

 

[Angel]

Megan!

 

[FeistyChick]

Michelle, I was in your shoes last summer. I too posted similiar thread here about how to remain friends with an ex.

But my ex did not want to be friends so I had to let it go. I really struggled with it for a few months. I wanted to email, call and see him so we could have our talks again. Silence was what I got from him.

Looking back, all but 2 of my exes didnt want to remain friends. They said it was too awkward and hard for them. I think for the most part, people would rather move on and forget the pain etc.

It takes 2 people to make a friendship work out. Obviously he is wary with you. Obviously he is not that eager like you but I do see his half hearted attempts. I would not recommend that you give him Valentine's Day card because it is too "much" for someone trying to renew friendship.

I can only suggest that you not have high hopes for renewed friendship because it will suck if he hurts you again. Be realistic.

HUGS

WTG MEGS!! i couldn't have said it better cuz i have been in both of your shoes..

 

[michelle1302]

I think im just gonna try and be friends with him. The way i see it is if i dont try then ill never know. I think that if i see him and i tell him everything that im feeling regarding how he treated me when we were together and how he hurt me then that will b a good step in gettin over him.

Ive decided not to get him a card or anything for v-day b/c we are just now starting to be friends, if V-day was in a month or so then maybe i would have, but not now.

Thanks!

 

[michelle1302]

None of it matters anymore b/c while i was watching the grammys my cell rang and it was him, he basically said that after having a long talk with his brother he decided that @ the end of the month hes moving back to the east coast, where hes from. so now ive got even more emotion then i had a few days ago...grr...this is so frustrating!!

 

[Liebling:-)))]

It sounds that you like him too much for want to have his friendship. Right?

If yes, but your relationship with doesnt work for few times. I would reccommend you to keep away for a while to consider yourself. Like hobby, meet friends etc. it would helps to get him out of your mind.

 

[michelle1302]

Maybe there is something good to come out of this, but i just cant see it yet. Who knows?

 

[Catmandu]

How to become friends with an ex-boyfriend? You don't.

 

[FeistyChick]

How to become friends with an ex-boyfriend? You don't.

AMEN!!.. i am not friends with any of my exes.. those chapters of my life are closed cuz i want them to be..