Had an OMG moment in ASL class tonight (Thanksgiving, CAPD)

SummerP

SummerP

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I had a -moment- tonight in ASL. It's sort of a two-parter. The first part happened when a man in my class, who has a progressive hearing loss, was talking about some of the things he's been experiencing. For instance, his wife, who knows he is hard of hearing, forgets and turns her back to him when she's talking to him many times a day, because when he talks she forgets that he's not hearing. He also talked a little about social environments, I forget what all he talked about altogether, but I found I kept wanting to sign SAME between the two of us, because just about everything he was saying, I experience too. Then something he said spurred our teacher to talk about why someone who's deaf/hoh might not enjoy things like Thanksgiving gatherings, where everyone's talking in several different directions, and it's difficult or impossible to follow the conversation, and when you do try to join in, it's slower communication or you've missed a lot and have to be caught up, or whatever, and people stop talking to the person who's hard to talk to and instead keep up conversations with the people who are easier to communicate with, and you wind up not really being a part of it, just sitting there, you watch tv, or you play on your phone, or whatever, and it sucks and it's boring and and and...

and she's describing this, and my eyes just welled up, because oh my god. THAT'S why I hate Thanksgiving! That is EXACTLY why I hate Thanksgiving, and every other gathering like it! I can't follow the conversation, I get left behind, I can't keep UP with the conversation because I'm not able to follow it in the first place, people keep TRYING to talk to me because they think I CAN hear and understand, and then I'm awkward and don't know exactly what's being discussed and don't know what to talk about, and THAT sucks TOO, and I wind up just finding something to do by myself, and hating it when people try to drag me back in to the social stuff. I am notorious in my family for hating Thanksgiving, and I skip it anytime I can get out of it. I hate it. I hate it I hate it I hate it. And it's not because I don't love being around my friends and family - I do! Individually, I adore them all!!! And it's not because I think being thankful is unimportant - great! It's a lovely idea! I'm all for it! I've never been able to explain why I hate the big family-and-friends gatherings. I've never been able to even explain it to myself. But here's my teacher, just telling about a generalized sort of experience, and she's describing -exactly- every Thanksgiving dinner I've ever been to, basically.

After class I told my teacher how much I'd connected with what she'd described (I mentioned my auditory processing disorder in my last paper, so she knew the context already) and she, the hoh guy, and I wound up talking for a while about experiences that just made me go all wide-eyed and "me too! Oh my gosh, me too!!!" It's the first time I've talked to anyone who understood why I really hate certain social situations and certain environments.

I just always thought my hating Thanksgiving was just... a sort of eccentric quirk I had. It never occurred to me before that there might be a real reason I hate it so much. I can't believe I've gone my whole life not understanding why I dislike family gatherings so much.
 
Now you are learning something from your teacher and your HOH guy.

That is why when you are in the ASL class and you learn something about the history of Deaf Culture that we went through. You are not the only one. We all have problem in crowds or groups or gatherings that we find it very difficult to understand what every one say when there is no sign language. No one bother to learn sign language when every one need to sign in the present of d/Deaf or HOH person. We were being left out a lot and a hearing person would always said "never mind" when we ask for repeat.

So I hope you keep learning a lot about deafness and Deaf Culture here. Welcome to our world. :)
 
I also now despise social gatherings...I LOVE my family and LOVE being with them..don't get me wrong...but the fact that I can't follow convo and everyone is loud and talks at the same time is so annoying. My aunts bday in september was a nightmare..15 give or take people at the table and I wanted to pull my hair out....when I got to leave early for cheer I was ELATEDDDD lol I was like "happy bday love ya send some cake home with my mom see ya later" lol
Thanksgiving was not too bad because we didn't have as many people over...but I definitely feel ya..I have a severe profound loss and recruitment so lots of people make me wanna cry lol
 
Wow. I can totally relate to this. I started taking an ASL class a year ago, and was hearing so many stories from Deaf/Hoh people about their experiences in crowds, parties, etc., that I could relate to. It lead to me seeing an audiologist and having my CAPD confirmed.

It was so incredible to finally have people to talk to about what I've been going through all my life, people that could relate to my experiences.

I've been learning so much more now about how to get my communication needs met. It's awesome. :)
 
I have withdrawn from family type stuff more and more over the years cuz of this. But was not really my. OMG moment. My own OMG moment came during a superbowl. Forget what year but it was when marla matlan signed the song on tv. I was not with family then but was almost blubbering cuz it was the first time someone signed on a regular tv thing and I was thinking I know my family was watching this and I hope they got some understanding that deaf was not something to put me down about
 
Thanks so much, you guys. :) It's such a good feeling to finally understand why some things feel so sucky, and to know I'm not the only one who's felt that way. I thought I was not fitting with my friends anymore, that we'd outgrown each other or something - now, knowing what I do about how I process sound, I've been making sure to sit where I can see everyone when they talk, and asking for captions when we watch movies, and BOOM. Suddenly I am a part of things again. We always hang out in a big group, and there's always a lot of crosstalk and usually background noise, and so we just always are in situations where I simply cannot make sense of the sound. I used to arrive all smiley and glad to see my friends, and then within fifteen minutes I'd be left out, bored out of my mind, playing on my phone, wondering why I'd even come. It was like that at every social gathering, no matter the group, and I've been feeling really isolated and alone, and couldn't seem to help blaming myself for being "bad" at being social. It feels amazing to understand why!
 
It doesn't have to be that way. Do you know someone who signs, or you can communicate with? Keep the focus on that person and have her/him sum up what is going on, conversation will lag behind some, but at least you are interacting at some level. Be creative, we're not limited, just need alternative avenues to communicate.
 
I have one fairly close friend who is in ASL class with me, and a few acquaintance-friends from that class, but that's about it. The friends I spend the most time with don't sign at all. I wish they did - my family went to see a musical this weekend that had interpreters, and I was amazed at what a difference it made. I think I've just always assumed that everyone is missing as much as I am.
The one close friend who's in ASL with me does sign a lot when we're together. He doesn't always think of it, but if I sign to him he'll reply with ASL. It wears him out after a while, though, so we switch kind of based on who needs the extra braincells more! :giggle:
One nice thing, though, is that my little sister is taking a once-a-week family ASL class offered by the state school for the deaf, because our niece has a progressive hearing loss and she wants to learn it for her. Bonus for me, because she'll be able to sign with me, too. :)
 
I'm the same in crowds and gatherings but, I get terrible headaches trying to hear and keep up. I mostly try to advoid gatherings prefer to be with my animals and hobbies instead.

I'm not working because of the headaches, damn its irratating.
 
I have never really been able to participate in family gatherings. I lost my hearing at age 18 months and although I do have some residual hearing it certainly isn't sufficient to deal with family gatherings with lots of people. I generally focus on the person directly across from me or the person directly to my right - the only two I have a ghost of a chance of hearing. I just can't worry about the rest of it. If it is important and everyone is laughing or something I will ask one of the two "anchor" persons I'm relating to to catch me up on things. Fortunately, this works with my brother's family. The one I have problems with is my adult daughter, strange as that may be. Oh well.
 
SummerP said:
I just always thought my hating Thanksgiving was just... a sort of eccentric quirk I had. It never occurred to me before that there might be a real reason I hate it so much. I can't believe I've gone my whole life not understanding why I dislike family gatherings so much.
Click to expand...

Yeah, I get it. I mean, I was 33/34 before I started even thinking of myself as deaf, and looking back at past family holidays and incidents and realizing that deafness was a central issue there.

When one is raised to be as hearing as possible, that tends to happen, unfortunately.

It's a good thing that you're realizing this now, when you are young enough to do something about it.
 
Thanksgiving woes

Summer-
Family gatherings can be a pain, hearing, deaf, or anything else. I read your post and sympathsize with your feelings and the reasons behind them. Does any of your family sign while talking? Have you let them know how you feel at these larger gatherings? I bet they don't even realize what they're doing and how shut-out/isolated it makes you feel. What a bummer!
Natalie from Houston
 
ha! I was explaining my trepidation about thanksgiving to my sister, and it was basically all of these things you all are talking about. It feels awful when all of your favorite people are in the same place, and they are all having such a great time WITH EACH OTHER, while you sit on the sidelines. I do have some coping mechanisms that I figured I would share.

1) isolate.. whilst people are milling about, pull somebody away and play the catch up game with them one on one. Say "it's noisy in here, is it alright if we move not the other room?"
2) engineer.. Seat yourself in a location that will give you the best chance to follow the or a conversation. Seat yourself next to the loud people who you find the most interesting, or next to the person who tends to lead the discussion. Alternately, sit next to somebody who is good at keeping you in the know (likely with some prompting from you.) (And because I have a "better ear" I tend to sit at the end of the table with my good ear facing the table.)
3) ask.. Prompt people to keep you in the know "what are they talking about?" "what is the joke?"
4) Look for the other left out person. It's tempting to stare enviously at the people who seem to be laughing the most, but remember that other people feel left out too. Seek those folks out. Try to make their experience better.
5) accept.. You are marginalized no matter what. You can do your best to limit it, and in some situations your efforts (and those of people sensitive to your plight) will create that rare situation when you have fun despite the difficulties. But you have to suck it up through a lot of awful situations in order to experience that rare one. (This is the hardest thing to do!!)

Anyway, groups are always stressful. I tend to do my "social engineering" early when making plans. If *I* was planning thanksgiving, I would not make it a sit down. That way I would be able to shift around and look for a more ideal conversation to join. I also tend to request quiet tables at restaurants, and I will sometimes ask that music be lowered. In cars, I sit shotgun when possible, so I can turn and talk to the driver and folks in the back. People have always been so sweet in response to all of my self advocacy requests.

Anyway, I would love to hear tricks that other folks use!! Can always use more weapons on my arsenal.
 
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