Deaf norms

horsegal

horsegal

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This may be a silly question, asking about something that probably comes quite natural for someone who lives in the culture, but I noticed as I went out with a Deaf friend for the first time.. there is a LOT of eye contact. I am completely OK with it while signing, I've taught myself to ignore any audial distractions and focus completely on the person I am signing with. I consider myself, as a hearing person, pretty good about eye contact. (Most of us are pretty skittish when it comes to prolonged eye contact. If it lasts more than a couple seconds things become awkward.) His gaze was uninterrupted, straight at me, which is fine. Once we finished the topic and I didn't have anything left to say, after a few seconds I got uncomfortable and had to lower my gaze. Can anyone describe how it happens with eye gaze? What should you do in that kind of situation? What is normal? What is rude/abnormal/just plain weird? I appreciate your input! =)
 
There is an expression, "Eyes are the window to our soul." In the Deaf community this is incredibly true. We use eye contact as part of our expression and communication but also to read the person we are talking to for signals. Are they genuine in their expression? Are they holding something back? Are they happy to be here? Are they bored?

For me, if I were with someone who broke eye contact I would think, "What are they trying to hide?" Or, "What are they so uncomfortable about?"

He could have just found you very attractive and was staring in affection. Maybe he made you blush? :giggle:
 
As Deaf, because we depend primarily on our eyes for communication and taking cues from our surroundings. For me, if I don't wear my contact lenses as I am near-sighted, I become completely lost, confused and disorientated.
 
rebeccalj said:
For me, if I were with someone who broke eye contact I would think, "What are they trying to hide?" Or, "What are they so uncomfortable about?"

He could have just found you very attractive and was staring in affection. Maybe he made you blush? :giggle:
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Ha! He definitely made me blush, he's a wonderful man... :giggle:
So in that kind of situation, is it best to continue to hold the person's gaze? What if I never have anything to say, do we just go on staring at each other all night long?
I know I will never be Deaf so I can never do it perfectly, but I would like my communication style to be as comfortable as possible. I appreciate the input. =)
 
It's pretty simple, really. If you're deaf, even if you don't use sign language, you rely heavily on visual cues someone might give off as a means of understanding what they are saying.

I spend a majority of my time communicating with hearing people, but I still stare intently at their face (lips and eyes) the entire time during conversation. Without it, I would miss something.
 
I agree with Rebecca. He probably found you so incredibly attractive that he could not bear to take his eyes off of you, even after the normal polite deaf person's timing rule for eye contact had run out. He is still a man, after all, and men are very visual creatures to begin with, no matter what their hearing status.:naughty:
 
horsegal said:
Ha! He definitely made me blush, he's a wonderful man... :giggle:
So in that kind of situation, is it best to continue to hold the person's gaze? What if I never have anything to say, do we just go on staring at each other all night long?
I know I will never be Deaf so I can never do it perfectly, but I would like my communication style to be as comfortable as possible. I appreciate the input. =)
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Well, staring at each other all night, without words, is pretty, how do you say, intense and passionate and *very* arousing. Not a bad thing to try. Hearie or deafie.

But, if signing, or talking, best not to break eye contact.

Try not to confuse human sexuality with ASL and the eye contact needed for it. Even deafies *blush* when they are around someone they like. I *blush* all the time and break eye contact all the time. :hug: When I'm communicating? I don't break eye contact at all.
 
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jenniifer said:
I agree with Rebecca. He probably found you so incredibly attractive that he could not bear to take his eyes off of you, even after the normal polite deaf person's timing rule for eye contact had run out. He is still a man, after all, and men are very visual creatures to begin with, no matter what their hearing status.:naughty:
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:gpost: :giggle:
 
horsegal said:
Ha! He definitely made me blush, he's a wonderful man... :giggle:
So in that kind of situation, is it best to continue to hold the person's gaze? What if I never have anything to say, do we just go on staring at each other all night long?
I know I will never be Deaf so I can never do it perfectly, but I would like my communication style to be as comfortable as possible. I appreciate the input. =)
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Just throwing an idea out here.... did you keep nodding or make movements after you finished talking? I've noticed that I keep looking at the person if they move, because I assume that they were about to talk or sign. I've noticed that other deaf or Hoh people do this. If I make a movement, they turn right at me thinking that I'm about to say something.

Remember, movement is our signal that they are gonna talk/sign, a sound is YOUR signal that they are gonna talk.
 
Ha! Oh, you guys are funny. I don't know if I am making little mistakes like nodding or movements, I will have to be more conscious of things like that. The only way to become conscious of those things is to have someone point them out, so I do appreciate it! =)
I am good about eye contact while signing. It is the in-between times that make me a little uncomfortable. But now that I am thinking about it, I'm not sure if I'm nervous because I am with him or because of the "lull" in the conversation. Maybe I just panicked because I couldn't think of what to say!
Oh dear. So much to learn. You are all fantastic. =)
 
horsegal said:
Ha! Oh, you guys are funny. I don't know if I am making little mistakes like nodding or movements, I will have to be more conscious of things like that. The only way to become conscious of those things is to have someone point them out, so I do appreciate it! =)
I am good about eye contact while signing. It is the in-between times that make me a little uncomfortable. But now that I am thinking about it, I'm not sure if I'm nervous because I am with him or because of the "lull" in the conversation. Maybe I just panicked because I couldn't think of what to say!
Oh dear. So much to learn. You are all fantastic. =)
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Just remember that, if around a deafie, that we notice e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g. This is ingrained from the get go with us. If you move, ever so slightly, we'll notice it and think you are trying to gain our attention. Or, we'll just notice that you moved even if it wasn't to continue a conversation. Just a thought.

The general rule for eye contact before "in between times" is about 3 seconds if I had to time it. After that you should continue the conversation or look around the room. Just don't move your body too much or he will wonder what you are trying to say. In words or body language. :giggle:

If you are *really* nervous around him that is only something that you can answer. I have to guess, from what you posted, and his "lingering" gaze, his being a deafie, that he was a little mezmorized by you. Interested.
 
I appreciate all the input. I think I got that vibe a little from him, but I hate drawing my own conclusions, I would rather find out directly from a person or through their actions. I don't know if he'd REALLY be interested in me though. The night we were together we were with a bunch of my friends who all sign, and I found out later that was his first time being out with hearies. Maybe he prefers Deaf? Who knows. I hope he doesn't mind my baby ASL.. :Oops:
 
TheWriteAlex said:
It's pretty simple, really. If you're deaf, even if you don't use sign language, you rely heavily on visual cues someone might give off as a means of understanding what they are saying.

I spend a majority of my time communicating with hearing people, but I still stare intently at their face (lips and eyes) the entire time during conversation. Without it, I would miss something.
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This man speaks the truth. I am severely deaf (not completely, but might as well be). Whenever someone is trying to talk to me, I completely cut everything around me off and watch the person who is talking to me.

If you do this, you learn quickly the cue's for things like; lying, bored, etc, etc
 
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