Deaf/hearing relationship

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Four Rings

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Hello everyone ! I'm new to the forum and would like to know more about deaf people. I'm currently in a relationship. My girlfriend is deaf. We've been together on and off for about 3 years now. We've been having problems lately. We are constantly fighting and arguing pretty much every other day. Most of the time it gets out of hand and gets nasty. She has been hitting, slapping,kicking and pulling my hair lately. I admit I must be doing something to make her do that. I can be difficult to deal with sometimes but I feel nobody deserves to be treated like that. We have an 18 month old son and he's been seeing all this fight which is not good for him. I'd like to tellmord details but it'll take very long to write. I love her very much and i fear loosing her. She's been through a lot and I just wish I could make life easier for her. I'm worried all the fighting is driving us apart. I have not learned how to sign and I should have done that a long time ago. Any input would greatly help and I'm willing to answer any questions.
 
It is never ok for one person to do the things she has been doing. It does not matter what you have done, unless she is hitting you in self defense? Would she consider going to counselling? You need to break the abuse cycle now and not let your son see anymore of this violence. You should take some sign language classes so that you can communicate with her better. Also, keep in mind that this time of year is very stressful for many people and they get extremely depressed. That could be why she is striking out like she is.
 
We've talked about counselling and she agrees but have not had the time to do that. I feel i have to do more on my part. I have purchased a sign language book and would start learning it. I know it bothers her when she gets violent but will not admit it to me. I feel i have to be more patient and careful not to make her angry. Thanks to those who replied
 
Sounds like you think if you love her hard enough and long enough, she will realize how wonderful you are and will change, right? Wrong. It's part of the pattern of abuser/abusee.
 
Well, first of all - what did YOU do that makes her mad like this ? I know some men are very stubborn just like mules by NOT listenin' to some wives or girlfriends.
 
Maria said:
Well, first of all - what did YOU do that makes her mad like this ? I know some men are very stubborn just like mules by NOT listenin' to some wives or girlfriends.
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Isn't it possible that he's not doing anything to make her mad and just about anything can set her off? Don't assume things without knowing for sure.
 
Secretblend said:
Isn't it possible that he's not doing anything to make her mad and just about anything can set her off? Don't assume things without knowing for sure.
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It's why I would like to know from him by askin' a question. :lol: I didn't assume anythin'. I just said SOME men are very stubborn just like mules by not listenin' to their wives or girlfriends. I didn't say ALL of them.

Can I ask him myself ? I want to get to know him just like I would with you. :)
 
Maria said:
It's why I would like to know from him by askin' a question. :lol: I didn't assume anythin'. I just said SOME men are very stubborn just like mules by not listenin' to their wives or girlfriends. I didn't say ALL of them.

Can I ask him myself ? I want to get to know him just like I would with you. :)
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But u assumed by asking him what did he do to get her mad. What about asking "What makes her mad?" that's more nuetral. Just a tip.
 
shel90 said:
But u assumed by asking him what did he do to get her mad. What about asking "What makes her mad?" that's more nuetral. Just a tip.
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Well, like he said he was bein' kicked, pulled his hair and all that stuff by his wife. That's more like " directly " towards HIM personally. I would like to know what he did that makes her mad. Just curious if, anythin' that might help me to understand. It's not assumption.
 
Maria said:
Well, like he said he was bein' kicked, pulled his hair and all that stuff by his wife. That's more like " directly " towards HIM personally. I would like to know what he did that makes her mad. Just curious if, anythin' that might help me to understand. It's not assumption.
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That is an assumption! If it wasn't an assumption, you would have said why is she doing that?
 
Secretblend said:
That is an assumption! If it wasn't an assumption, you would have said why is she doing that?
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Okay, let me explain a little bit here. If, a cop pullin' me over and give me a ticket for speedin'. I, then will tell a friend that I got a ticket from the cop. A friend of mine would ask me what did I do that made the cop to pull me over. I will say " for speedin' " that I did. It is not an assumption, is it ? It is fact when it happens.

I am sorry, if we don't always view the same.
 
Maria said:
Okay, let me explain a little bit here. If, a cop pullin' me over and give me a ticket for speedin'. I, then will tell a friend that I got a ticket from the cop. A friend of mine would ask me what did I do that made the cop to pull me over. I will say " for speedin' " that I did. It is not an assumption, is it ? It is fact when it happens.

I am sorry, if we don't always view the same.
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One flaw, you were pulled over cause you did do something wrong. Would a cop have pulled you over if you don't nothing wrong?

That is why that assumption is safe, very rarely does a cop pull over someone for doing nothing wrong.

However, to assume that he was doing something to make her do that is assumption. It is possible that she just got mad over nothing or over something else that he has no control of therefore that is assumption cause you assumed he was one that did wrong when it's possible he didn't do anything wrong.
 
Secretblend said:
One flaw, you were pulled over cause you did do something wrong. Would a cop have pulled you over if you don't nothing wrong?

That is why that assumption is safe, very rarely does a cop pull over someone for doing nothing wrong.

However, to assume that he was doing something to make her do that is assumption. It is possible that she just got mad over nothing or over something else that he has no control of therefore that is assumption cause you assumed he was one that did wrong when it's possible he didn't do anything wrong.
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Then, why don't you let him to explain himself to me, IF he didn't do anythin' wrong ? If, he tells me that he didn't do anythin' wrong, then I'll might consider somethin' else to help him. That's what I am plannin' to do. :)
 
I would like to hear why also, what I have a problem with is that you first assume he did do something wrong to make her do that. Why not just say what happened? instead of saying what did you do? Get my point now!??
 
And, I forgot to add ... Four Rings said in his first post, " I admit I must be doing something to make her do that."

Please, read his post again. :ty:
 
Still that doens't mean you should assume! He can assume all he wants cause he's the one getting that treatment but he doesn't know yet. That doesn't mean you should assume he is one doing something wrong.
 
The point is that this guy comes for help and advice...by asking him what did he do to cause his girlfriend's abusive behavior towards him is indirectly placing the full blame on him and may make him feel even worse which is the last thing we want to do here. That's all..
 
well....i have been dating with few hearing guys before, and i am deaf myself , communcate do lacks in that relationship btw hearing and deaf cuz they think different and deaf ppl are very emotional than hearing (my opintion and my view) , my ex and i went thru that before and he is hearing, he dont know much of sign, so mostly main plm is communcate cuz once u know alot of signs, things will get better and she will undy u better and get to know you better too, in relationship, you have to learn her deaf culture as she do with urs so u guys can blend in and make things smooth and since u have a child, i have a hearing son myself and my ex is his father so ...whenever u guys get in fight or whatever, best way is to make sure ur kid dont see u , put him/her in room to watch cartoon or play with game so u can have ur own business with ur gf in other room, from what i see the way u said abt ur plm, i think the major plm is communcate cuz EVERYTIME a hearing date a deaf person, communcate is the KEY to help each other to undy better and all so hope i help u with this ^^
 
hey, just a quick comment.

perhaps anger management for her and sign language/deaf culture class for you. that is foundation to healthy communication or relationship. have you considered couples counseling? this would be a great investment since you both have a child together.

good luck.
 
shel90 said:
The point is that this guy comes for help and advice...by asking him what did he do to cause his girlfriend's abusive behavior towards him is indirectly placing the full blame on him and may make him feel even worse which is the last thing we want to do here. That's all..
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Actually I would have to disagree with bolded part of your comment there.
How would we all get to to the bottom of the problem if we don't ask questions, no matter how harsh or 'personal' they are. Maria did the right thing.. she asked him what he could have done to set his girlfriend off so we all could help him avoid doing those things so his girlfriend won't abuse him.

I do agree with Missywinks.
I have a hearing boyfriend and we have been together for almost 5 years now (well.. married for almost 4 and dating for remainder of the said 5 years). He barely knows any sign language so we communicate on the computer (notepad) or use our home-made sign language. But the relationship is wonderful because we took time out of our schedule to sit down and discuss about things.

The said girlfriend in this thread NEEDS to learn that violence won't solve anything and she need to communicate with him instead of beating the stuffings out of him.
OP needs to figure out what he did wrong and fix that. He need to try to sit her down and talk things out with her. Maybe offer counseling because they have 18 months old child and they need to THINK about how their behavior is affecting him (especially the girlfriend since she is abusing the OP).
If the girlfriend persists, then I recommend that you take her to the court, take the full custody of the child and leave because if she does that to you, there is a high percent that she will do the same with the child.
 
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