Any Ideas?

Chrysanthe

Chrysanthe

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Hello...

I desperately seeking some advices for my step daughter. She is pretty hard to deal with.

My husband and I are trying to find some ways to work with her. She was placed to us not too long ago. We know that she was severely abused and had a delayed education. Her mobilities are horribly delayed.

She also has some problems of understanding questions, math, reading comprehension.
For example: she does not know the difference between MORE or LESS. I would get some m and m candies. I had to show her 4 brown m and m and 6 green m and m. I asked her which is more?

She kept pointing 4 brown m and ms. I said no... her lil brother walked in and said 6 green m and ms is more than 4.
I'd spend hours to help her to figure out..she could not figure out. I did everything I could to help her. Nothing seemed to work.

We did everything to help her and her teacher is trying to help her so hard but this little girl has been working so hard and not able to catch up her homework. Today we will have IEP meeting and she is qualified for special ed. I definitely hope it ll work for her.

I would spend hours and hours to work with her on her homeworks but the problem is I have two other kids and need to make dinner. Of course, I need to take care of myself. This girl required a lot of attention and also she would hit or spit the students or her siblings. She would forged my name on trouble slip from her teacher. She was suspended from recess and etc. I have tried to teach her that was very wrong and she had to lose privileges and we tried everything in our power to help her. It seems to me she is not getting better. She has been seeing counselor but not so helpful.

Any idea? Seriously, I need some advices.
 
how old is she? Did you try conseling? (SP) She seemed troubled and need to find way to break that cycle. I know that is hard and i know someone who has the same problem with her daughter, but she was volience that she would break the sliding door to get out, etc...she does conselings now and she was acting much better, but ONE DAY AT A TIME.
 
You must find out WHY she is angry. Also I would suggest
searching to find out what her strengths are. Every one has
some strong areas. It is up to the adults to find them. Then
with you sitting at the table with two younger sibs, ask her
to teach them in her strong areas. Tell her you will help.
This may help her to feel proud of herself. Praise her efforts and really look to find out things that you like about what she is doing. (Did she encourage her sibling when he got something correct? Then you sincerely say,"Wow you really complimented his work well. I like that alot) Do not leave her
alone with the sibs though. If you did this 1 hour every day,
and keep it a happy time with no pressure you will probably
see positive results. This will
1: improve her self esteem
2: provide positive times for her
to think about with her sibs
 
Ahh..

restless_heart said:
how old is she? Did you try conseling? (SP) She seemed troubled and need to find way to break that cycle. I know that is hard and i know someone who has the same problem with her daughter, but she was volience that she would break the sliding door to get out, etc...she does conselings now and she was acting much better, but ONE DAY AT A TIME.
Click to expand...

Yes she has been going to counseling. It helped a lil but but in a long run, she was being abused for a long time. Yes it is hard to break cycle. Yep...one day at a time. During our christmas break, I was nervous that she would give me hard times... but I was surprised, she was doing so well!! She loves her new toys and loves to play her lil sister. Ahh much better.
 
fredfam1 said:
You must find out WHY she is angry. Also I would suggest
searching to find out what her strengths are. Every one has
some strong areas. It is up to the adults to find them. Then
with you sitting at the table with two younger sibs, ask her
to teach them in her strong areas. Tell her you will help.
This may help her to feel proud of herself. Praise her efforts and really look to find out things that you like about what she is doing. (Did she encourage her sibling when he got something correct? Then you sincerely say,"Wow you really complimented his work well. I like that alot) Do not leave her
alone with the sibs though. If you did this 1 hour every day,
and keep it a happy time with no pressure you will probably
see positive results. This will
1: improve her self esteem
2: provide positive times for her
to think about with her sibs
Click to expand...

We know why she was angry that she was being abused and when she get mad, she takes after her mom, she would hurt her siblings.

Yeah I ve been given that kind of advices...it helped. Yes my counselor told me NEVER leave my baby alone with my stepdaughter. I wouldn't blame her if she hurt my baby because it may trigger her mind for hurting my baby from her being abused.

I pray it won't happen.

Thanks for your advice!! :)
 
Few weeks ago, my step daughter's school called us to come to school for IEP meeting. They learned that my step daughter has communication disorder and has delayed education and mobilities.

Anyone is familiar with a child with communication disorder?
 
I'm diagnosed with a pervasive developmental disorder and I'm also deafblind (although I was hearing in childhood) While I may not understand all her experiences, I will try and help.

I can tell you from my own experiences with the incredible world of numbers, what we experience isn't always everyone else's worlds- I have trouble adding and subtracting small numbers, but I passed an advanced algorithms course with relatively little help. My largest suggestion in maths would be exposing her to the whole world- if there's one "concept" she's not getting, try something else: this might not be grounds for passing her classes, but it can be a chance for her to genuinely "getting it" for once.

In regards to communication- I rarely speak more than 20 or 30 words a day, if pushed. Speech is, without a doubt, one of the most trying forms of communication: allow alternatives. I type most of the time, although I also write on paper, sign, and if especially frustrated, simply grunt. I've had various communication devices over the years, ranging from single switches with one recorded phrase to communication boards with 100 options to various two-way keyboards: try, and see what works.

In regards to outbursts, it may be, as you said related to abuse, but I can also tell you that having issues relating to and communicating with the world can make you a very angry person- I'm pretty sure my mother became immune to crying fits after a few years. You get frustrated when you can't understand or express. It happens. The best suggestion I can offer that is offering safe spaces- places she can run away and not feel stressed by the world. Consider whatever that place is to be sacrosanct- bothering her in it even -once- can violate it's sense of "safety"

I can also tell you to try and not lose hope- as hard as it may be to see now, kids with all sorts of "special needs" can turn out to be pretty okay adults- it requires extra effort and understanding on everyone's part, and it does take a whole lot of "low days", but eventually she can be okay in this world.
 
Again.....how old is she?
Her mobilities are horribly delayed.
Click to expand...
What does this mean?
Does she have poor fine motor skills? She could have a learning disabilty......
What state are you in? Look into services like Easter Seals, United Cerebal Palsy etc....they often offer special educational placements.
 
deafdyke said:
Again.....how old is she?
What does this mean?
Does she have poor fine motor skills? She could have a learning disabilty......
What state are you in? Look into services like Easter Seals, United Cerebal Palsy etc....they often offer special educational placements.
Click to expand...

She's about 8. As for now, she is catching up. The reason is she was delayed because when she was not living with us, she was not going to to school. We thought she was home schooled. Apparently, she wasn't getting any education at home. Also it seemed to me that she was isolated at home with her siblings. I am not sure if I am making sense. Here are a few examples, we took her out to Chuck E. Cheese Pizza. There are tons of games and rides. She was about 7 years old, we showed her how to ride bike, she didn't know what was the purpose and how it works. Then we took her to skee ball. Mini Bowling except getting ball into holes. She didn't understand it except she threw the ball out of the air. We taught her to how we should do it. And also we took her to this game, hit the gopher. You know the soft bumper with handle and you could hit the gopher when the gopher pops up, she just stood there and looked at it. She had no clue.

By then we got the custody, we got her and her siblings, my mother took her to my sister's home which my sisters has daughters about her age. She screamed so loud that she saw a play house, bikes, swings and etc. It is almost like she never been playing out. We learned that she may be in the house way too long. Fortunately, she is in a good place. We are trying to find a way whats the best for her to catch up with her mobilities and education.

As for now, she is still struggling with math and following the rules. She is now becoming a bully. She can be mean to some of the kids at school. We were just disappointed that she had to choose the wrong things. She has been getting a lot of troubles at school. We are trying to help her to choose the right things. I ve given her time outs, write " I will not...." for one page, taking away the priviledges or etc. We have done everything to help her to learn what is right and wrong. Boy, it is tough.

Her younger brother is picking up so fast and he was able to follow the rules and he listened most of the times. I feel bad that he get all the priviledges and he earned them but my step daughter kept breaking rules and she is losing fun and all? What do you suggest?
 
Aw this sure breaks my heart, please give your daughter a hug for me, first I would like to say, no matter what rules your step daughter broke, never punish her, what she needs is a parent who will protect her, care for her, teach her, and guide her through the darkness of the abuse and it takes a lot of time for her to speak out about the traumas and still remain in fear. And you would need to provide her all the help she may need such as coping with anger or emotional problems, and it may be very hard for her to keep this feelings under control also because this experience leaves the child with the life-long psychological scars of abuse and anger and of feeling unconsciously like no one loves her enough. Have you talked to her school counselor and her teacher about her school work, and what they can do to help her improve?..Is the school aware of your step daughter's past?
 
Chrysanthe said:
Sorry for not replying so soon. I got held up with christmas fever!

No shes not deaf. She's hearing.
Click to expand...

That's okay. The holdiays get hectic for everyone. The reason I asked was because you mentioned the problems she was having learning certain concepts such as less and more. There is a possibility that she has an undiagnosed learning disorder, or an auditory processing disorder. This could explain the difficulty in comprehension, and her frustration and anger. I understand that you say she has been abused in the past. The anger could be the result of abuse, or she could be getting angry and frustrated because she just doesn't understand, and tha puts her in the position of being vunerable to abuse. Kids with auditory processing disorders are often accused of being stuborn and not following directions or not trying tounderstand because they can hear okay, so everyone assumes that because they can hear they can understand. But the language gets all confused in their brain, even though they can hear it okay. Parents get frustrated because they don't understand the the child is not intentionally misbehaving. They really don't understand what is being asked of them.

Of course, I can't say that this is exactly the problem with your step daughter, but based on what you've said, I think it might be a good idea to have her tested.
 
Chrysanthe said:
Few weeks ago, my step daughter's school called us to come to school for IEP meeting. They learned that my step daughter has communication disorder and has delayed education and mobilities.

Anyone is familiar with a child with communication disorder?
Click to expand...

Communication disorder is a rather broad category. There are many types of communication disorders. You really need to have a very specific diagnosis in order to make sure that your step daughter receives appropriate services. The CAPD that I mentioned in my post right above this one is one form of communication disorder. I already posted that before I read that the school is now saying she has a communication disorder, so I would still recommend that she be tested specifically for central auditory processing disorder. I'm only making a guess based on what you have told us in your posts, but it is an educated guess, LOL.
 
Angel said:
Aw this sure breaks my heart, please give your daughter a hug for me, first I would like to say, no matter what rules your step daughter broke, never punish her, what she needs is a parent who will protect her, care for her, teach her, and guide her through the darkness of the abuse and it takes a lot of time for her to speak out about the traumas and still remain in fear. And you would need to provide her all the help she may need such as coping with anger or emotional problems, and it may be very hard for her to keep this feelings under control also because this experience leaves the child with the life-long psychological scars of abuse and anger and of feeling unconsciously like no one loves her enough. Have you talked to her school counselor and her teacher about her school work, and what they can do to help her improve?..Is the school aware of your step daughter's past?
Click to expand...

I know i feel for her. About punishment, you say never punish her... but she could be so mean to kids at school or hurt her little bro/sis so i shouldn't punish her for that? she would keep this again and again? Even though i talked to her about it... she seem can't stop hurting others.

Yes school is aware of her situation and they have been great to her!
 
Chrysanthe, what are the social services available where you live? Maybe something like Boys Town or something could help you with your daughter. You really can't and shouldn't deal with this yourself. Your daughter really needs VERY intensive help.
 
deafdyke said:
Chrysanthe, what are the social services available where you live? Maybe something like Boys Town or something could help you with your daughter. You really can't and shouldn't deal with this yourself. Your daughter really needs VERY intensive help.
Click to expand...



You're right. I can't do it mostly myself but fortunately, my husband and my parents/sisters have been helping a lot. However, that is not enough. I have been asking my counselor for a referral for children's counseling. Her counselor got a new job and we are looking for one that suits for her.

We pray that we don't have to send her off to a program for troubled children. We hope that she will adjust her life soon and I want her to set a great example to her siblings. But thats a big job. I hope that she can change and overcome her abuse.
 
Chrysanthe, from your posts sound that you are caring person and seek a help for your step-daughter.

Did you know about Occupational therapy with behavorial therapy? They are Specialist for develop problematic children. How about this? I experienced with those therapy to help my ADD son in the past. It helps a lot. I received awful a lot of tips from them how to help my problematic son... My son is teenager and show his problematic behavior very little now. Thanks to therapy.

First of all is go to Child Physican for a test to find out what really she is before sent her to behavioral therapy. Yes, it's work hard but worth... if you has a good patience. There're form of communication disorder but you need to find out what really she is.
 
Chrysanthe said:
I know i feel for her. About punishment, you say never punish her... but she could be so mean to kids at school or hurt her little bro/sis so i shouldn't punish her for that? she would keep this again and again? Even though i talked to her about it... she seem can't stop hurting others.

Yes school is aware of her situation and they have been great to her!
Click to expand...

I prefer to correct my boys's behavior than punish or humiliate them. Explain them why they should or should not do...

The child will listen and respect you more and more if you correct their behavior instead of punish them. I can see that your step-daughter is a problematic child but take a time and good patience. It will takes her grew out of problematic child. It would take a time until she will able to trust you more and more with respect. She deserves a respect. Praise her for her good behavior with your respect, love and understanding, not material things.
 
Chrysanthe said:
I know i feel for her. About punishment, you say never punish her... but she could be so mean to kids at school or hurt her little bro/sis so i shouldn't punish her for that? she would keep this again and again? Even though i talked to her about it... she seem can't stop hurting others.

Yes school is aware of her situation and they have been great to her!
Click to expand...


I'm so sorry, I didn't explain myself as clear forgive me, I meant to say "physical punishment" such as spanking because your step daughter has a history of abuse. What about positive disciplining? For instance, if your daughter happened to hurt her little brother, discuss why that's not allowed and what will happen if she does it again. Each child is different and every situation may call for a different form of discipline. I understand that some kids simply won't react to anything else and it can leave parents feeling like there is no other option ya know.


Sometimes I do get angry or frustrated when my children fight or agrue and I didn't demonstrate the patience to try other approaches and I feel bad about it afterwards, I won't pretend to be a perfect mother on this or any other issue. We do live and learn, right? Being a parent isn't easy and none of us has all of the answers, just do the best you can sweetie that's all you can do... :hug:
 
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