Always the elephant in the room...

Abby Nicole said:
At the post-wedding party, DH was glued to my side, answering every question for me, as I could not hear a word and just worked on keeping the fake smiling beaming and holding back tears. People pointedly stared at me when I couldn't answer them directly. I didn't feel like explaining, "Excuse me, I'm deaf" 300 times over and over. Hated every minute; I could not feel an ounce of gratitude towards my in-laws for throwing the party - this makes me feel like a selfish ingrate because a normal person would've loved the party and felt honored. But what's the point of throwing an expensive party when the "guest of honor" has to struggle through their worst nightmare?
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I have no personal experience from what you have experienced, but it feels hard to read what you have been going through.

I have been to two weddings in my life. At the first one, a friend was getting married. I knew some people there and at the post-wedding party dinner, I was sitting amongst them. It was good enough to hear everyone there and I was quite satisfied. At another wedding, a cousin of mine was getting married and I was not seated amongst friends/relatives at the post-wedding party dinner and it was much bigger as well. I could not hear a thing, so I ended up starring at a wall, the food or the ceiling or other things. It was not pleasant.

In both cases, the organizers were highly aware of my HOH status. And I told them explicitly beforehand that it could very well happen that I would not be enjoying the wedding because of the hearing issue, and if it were to happen, then they should not bear blame because they had not committed any fault as such. They did not take any offense both before and after the wedding, so did I.

But that is my experience and can only speak for myself.
 
It's funny because I do not nor will ever complain how someone else's wedding reception is organized, it's their event, their rules. As a guest, I am able to show up, simply seek out familiar acquaintances and try my best at conversation, no problem. And, as a guest, you're free to leave early, join the dancing, take cigarette breaks outside, or just be a quiet wallflower - no problem, no disappointing anyone with your lack of hearing. Didn't have those options as a bride.

I fell short in the wedding organizing because I allowed my mother and MIL to steamroll me into what their visions of the wedding receptions should be, regardless of how often I'd tell them, "Nope, won't hear that. Nope, won't hear that either." It didn't faze them in the least, they'd just shrug and look at me pityingly.

My husband asked me what we could have done differently, and to that, I have no answer. There's not a "Weddings for Deaf Dummies" book. He, like the rest of my family, gets frustrated because when I vent, they cannot offer solutions and I don't have any solutions to offer either. There's no magic bullet, one-size-fits-all solution.

This isn't purely about a wedding; rather the wedding is a microcosm of my life-long pursuit of doing things the hearing way and never actually finding happiness in it.
 
I can empathize with what you are saying because my parents also made it clear that the only acceptable path for me was to act like a hearing person and to not expect anything else from anyone else except for a new hearing aid every few years.

I think its great that your husband is asking for alternatives, but I don't think it's realistic for us to be able to come up with the answers on our own.

Luckily we don't have to reinvent the wheel, other people have figured it out and it looks like this is one of the places to find out what the alternatives are.

Speaking for myself, I'm pretty happy about that and that I found this forum.
 
Abby Nicole said:
It's funny because I do not nor will ever complain how someone else's wedding reception is organized, it's their event, their rules. As a guest, I am able to show up, simply seek out familiar acquaintances and try my best at conversation, no problem. And, as a guest, you're free to leave early, join the dancing, take cigarette breaks outside, or just be a quiet wallflower - no problem, no disappointing anyone with your lack of hearing. Didn't have those options as a bride.
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I am truly sorry if I misunderstood something when writing my earlier post. I meant no harm. I should have known that you were the center of attention because you were the host at your wedding. And you are right that I was only a guest.
 
No, no - no apologies needed, I understood you were speaking from a guest standpoint. I was just clarifying that I don't have issues being a guest at big parties.
 
Jazzberry said:
Luckily we don't have to reinvent the wheel, other people have figured it out and it looks like this is one of the places to find out what the alternatives are.

Speaking for myself, I'm pretty happy about that and that I found this forum.
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You are on point, it really feels like the burden is on us sometimes to reinvent the wheel. I wish I had joined AD a long time ago. Actually learning from others trials and errors is way easier than using your own life as a big social experiment all the time.
 
Abby Nicole said:
But support and advice from those who share similar experiences is invaluable; I'm interested in making new friends and reading your different views and lifestyles. Hence, hello alldeaf.com, I'm looking forward to being a part of your community - thank you for reading.
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It is great that we understand each other, Abby. I try to write things that reflect the spirit of what you wrote before.
 
Abby Nicole said:
You are on point, it really feels like the burden is on us sometimes to reinvent the wheel. I wish I had joined AD a long time ago. Actually learning from others trials and errors is way easier than using your own life as a big social experiment all the time.
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We are in total agreement. :)
 
My next wedding is going to be all deaf!!! ha ha ha ha Oh, damn, I'm going to have to invite family, right? Phoo. back to the drawing board...
 
I am a hearing parent (new to the board) with two deaf sons two hearing daughters. I am pushing more sign than oral because at this point my oldest son (4) seems more comfortable with sign as opposed to when he uses his words. This was a really helpful thread thank you :) I love some of you guys responses I think I am going to fit in pretty well here :-P
 
blondon704 said:
I am a hearing parent (new to the board) with two deaf sons two hearing daughters. I am pushing more sign than oral because at this point my oldest son (4) seems more comfortable with sign as opposed to when he uses his words. This was a really helpful thread thank you :) I love some of you guys responses I think I am going to fit in pretty well here :-P
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WELCOME!!!!!!!! Is he in a Deaf Ed program? Are you members of American Society for Deaf Children? American Society for Deaf Children
and are you hooked up with your state Deaf school?
 
Unfortunately the only deaf school in our state is located 7 hours away. He is in a deaf ed program but for this being a rural part of the state it is not my idea of what he should be getting. I keep in contact with the schoo, for future hope for him to go there and also a little selfish but because I am trying to get in to interpreting and they are offering volunteer work for me to do if I could ever get to the point where we could move up there.
 
Cheetah said:
My next wedding is going to be all deaf!!! ha ha ha ha Oh, damn, I'm going to have to invite family, right? Phoo. back to the drawing board...
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Alldeaf? Should I start shopping for the perfect attire to attend?:lol:
 
Bottesini said:
Alldeaf? Should I start shopping for the perfect attire to attend?:lol:
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Sadly even if I wanted to, I could not afford to fly Alldeaf members in from around the world. But it would be awesome if I could! :D Besides, such a wedding date is still a year or more away.
 
blondon704 said:
I am a hearing parent (new to the board) with two deaf sons two hearing daughters. I am pushing more sign than oral because at this point my oldest son (4) seems more comfortable with sign as opposed to when he uses his words. This was a really helpful thread thank you :) I love some of you guys responses I think I am going to fit in pretty well here :-P
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Welcome! And you're welcome - I'm glad this thread has been helpful for you. :)

(hey all, I finally figured out how to set the avatar - meet my springer!)
 
sallylou said:
You can't just say the past is the past. Abby and Caroline need their experiences and feelings validated. That means listening and accepting them without judging or feeling like you have to fix them. They have to grieve the profound loses before they can move on. They have to acknowledge how their experience has hurt them and continues to raise significant emotional issues. The Deaf/HOH community needs to support them while they heal. They will move ahead at their own pace. They must be in control of their healing process and their decisions now.
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AD has been a huge help in validating my feelings and emotions about how I was raised. It's been great to learn that it wasn't just me and that what I went through, so did many others and that my anger problems wasn't because I was feeling sorry for myself as my parents used to say.

The other night, after the last class of ASL 103, we all went out to a bar to celebrate. I was there for about an hour chatting with my classmates and with the teacher, a young deaf man, and it felt so wonderful to relate, never mind how great it was to sit in a bar and for the first time, not miss out on what was being said because it was all in sign, no leaning forward, frowning in concentration saying "what did he say?" No dark lighting and background din interfering with my lipreading abilities. No feelings of exclusion, frustration, defeat. It was full on engagement in a group conversation. what a luxury!

It's moments like that that contributes greatly to my becoming a happier and more relaxed person. I used to clench my jaw and grit my teeth a lot. Sometimes so much so that my jaw would ache but that hasn't happened in the past few months. :)
 
Oh yes, the patronizing "stop feeling sorry for yourself" mantra. Usually said by the very people who are unwittingly stacking the obstacles higher and higher right in front of you. Because you can't just abracadabra self-pity into happiness, you learn to suppress it and ignore your true feelings. Become numb.

Teeth clenching, been there still there. My dentist demanded that I use a bite guard at nighttime due to the damage done to my teeth. During the day, I actively work on not clenching, but at nighttime it can't be helped. My jaw feels much better in the morning with a bite guard. It's an upper guard, so it kinda pushes my upper lip out ever so slightly, Megan Fox style, so I always saunter into the bedroom puckering my enhanced upper lip to my hubby, haha - but nope, he still doesn't think the bite guard is sexy.
 
I can't believe he wouldn't think a bite guard is sexy "meow" :)

These are the repsonses that make me feel nervous. I don't want to "push" oral or sign on my sons but how am I supposed to know what will be easier for them? Is it to early for me to be thinking like this? In your opinions do you have any comments? Keep in mind he is about to be 4 and my other son is 8 months.

But at the same time I don't feel like I am pushing either. I am just scared I will mess up with them.
 
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