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- Jan 13, 2004
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The First Affair
A married man was having an affair with his
secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and
they took off for her house, where they made
passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the
wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00
pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the
woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through
the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless
complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he
entered the house. "Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been
having an affair with my secretary and we've been
having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't
wake up until eight o'clock."
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said,
"You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!".
The Second Affair
There was a middle-aged couple that had two
stunningly beautifulteenage daughters. The couple
decided to try one last time for the son they always
wanted. After months of trying, the wife finally got
pregnant and sure enough, delivered a healthy baby
boy nine months later. The joyful father rushed into
the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and
was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever
seen.
He went to his wife and told her there was no
way he could be the father of that child. "Look at
the two beautiful daughters I fathered!" Then he
gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been
fooling around on me?"
The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this
time!"
The Third Affair
A mortician was working late one night. It was
his job to examine the dead bodies before they were
sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined
the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be
cremated, he made an amazing discovery. Schwartz had
the longest private part he had ever seen! "I'm
sorry, Mr. Schwartz", said the mortician, "but I
can't send you off to be cremated with a
tremendously huge private part like this. It has to
be saved for posterity." With that, the coroner used
his tools to remove the dead man's scaling. He
stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home.
The first person he showed it to was his wife.
"I have something to show you that you won't
believe," he said, and opened up his briefcase.
"Oh my God!" the wife screamed, "Schwartz is
dead!"
The Fourth Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard
her husband opening the front door. "Hurry," she
said, "stand in the corner." Then she quickly rubbed
baby oil all over him and then dusted him with
talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she
whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he
entered the room. "Oh, it's a statue," she replied
nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their
bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."
No more was said about the statue, not even
later when they went to sleep. Around two in the
morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the
kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich
and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the statue,
"Eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths
for three days and nobody offered me as much as a
glass of water."
The Fifth Affair
A man walks into a night club one night. He goes
up to the bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly, Sir,
that'll be 1 cent." "One Cent?", exclaimed the man.
So the man glances over at the menu and asks, "Could
I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas
and a fried egg?"
"Certainly Sir," repl ies the barman, "but that
comes to real money." "How much money?" inquires the
man. "Four cents," the bartender replied.
"Four Cents?", exclaimed the man. "Where's the
guy who owns this place?" The bartender replied,
"Upstairs, with my wife."
The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with
your wife?"
The bartender replied, "The same thing as I'm
doing to his business."
The Sixth Affair
Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining
a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his
fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her
praying roused him from his slumber.
He looked up and his pale lips began to move
slightly. "Becky my darling," he whispered. "Hush my
love ," she said. "Rest, don't talk."
He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired
voice, "I have something that I must confess."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the
weeping Becky, "everything's all right, go to
sleep."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I .. I
slept with your sister, your best friend, her best
friend and your mother!"
"I know, my sweet one" whispered Becky, "close
your eyes now and let the poison work."
A married man was having an affair with his
secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and
they took off for her house, where they made
passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the
wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00
pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the
woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through
the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless
complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he
entered the house. "Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been
having an affair with my secretary and we've been
having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't
wake up until eight o'clock."
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said,
"You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!".
The Second Affair
There was a middle-aged couple that had two
stunningly beautifulteenage daughters. The couple
decided to try one last time for the son they always
wanted. After months of trying, the wife finally got
pregnant and sure enough, delivered a healthy baby
boy nine months later. The joyful father rushed into
the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and
was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever
seen.
He went to his wife and told her there was no
way he could be the father of that child. "Look at
the two beautiful daughters I fathered!" Then he
gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been
fooling around on me?"
The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this
time!"
The Third Affair
A mortician was working late one night. It was
his job to examine the dead bodies before they were
sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined
the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be
cremated, he made an amazing discovery. Schwartz had
the longest private part he had ever seen! "I'm
sorry, Mr. Schwartz", said the mortician, "but I
can't send you off to be cremated with a
tremendously huge private part like this. It has to
be saved for posterity." With that, the coroner used
his tools to remove the dead man's scaling. He
stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home.
The first person he showed it to was his wife.
"I have something to show you that you won't
believe," he said, and opened up his briefcase.
"Oh my God!" the wife screamed, "Schwartz is
dead!"
The Fourth Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard
her husband opening the front door. "Hurry," she
said, "stand in the corner." Then she quickly rubbed
baby oil all over him and then dusted him with
talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she
whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he
entered the room. "Oh, it's a statue," she replied
nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their
bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."
No more was said about the statue, not even
later when they went to sleep. Around two in the
morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the
kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich
and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the statue,
"Eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths
for three days and nobody offered me as much as a
glass of water."
The Fifth Affair
A man walks into a night club one night. He goes
up to the bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly, Sir,
that'll be 1 cent." "One Cent?", exclaimed the man.
So the man glances over at the menu and asks, "Could
I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas
and a fried egg?"
"Certainly Sir," repl ies the barman, "but that
comes to real money." "How much money?" inquires the
man. "Four cents," the bartender replied.
"Four Cents?", exclaimed the man. "Where's the
guy who owns this place?" The bartender replied,
"Upstairs, with my wife."
The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with
your wife?"
The bartender replied, "The same thing as I'm
doing to his business."
The Sixth Affair
Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining
a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his
fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her
praying roused him from his slumber.
He looked up and his pale lips began to move
slightly. "Becky my darling," he whispered. "Hush my
love ," she said. "Rest, don't talk."
He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired
voice, "I have something that I must confess."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the
weeping Becky, "everything's all right, go to
sleep."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I .. I
slept with your sister, your best friend, her best
friend and your mother!"
"I know, my sweet one" whispered Becky, "close
your eyes now and let the poison work."
those are funny...I'll have to show my lover, he'll get a kick outta them
those jokes are hilliarous as ever, i remembered these joke before... still funny as now.