A sticky situation?

shel90

shel90

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My friend shared with me about this person she knows. I dont know if it is a friend of hers or a family member. She wanted my opinion but I was stumped on this one.

Here is the situation. This person, a woman, is getting married this Fall. This will be her 2nd marriage and she already has 2 kids from her ex husband. Here is the kicker..she is still good friends with her ex-hubby and they do things together sometimes as friends. However, her ex-hubby dates but no serious relationship since their divorce which was like 3 years ago or so, I think. So, she is getting married and as she and her fiancee were planning the guest list, she put down her ex-hubby as the first person to invite. Her fiancee wasnt happy about it and prefers not to invite him but she said that his feelings would be hurt and that her children would be upset if he wasn't invited. Her fiancee's view is that her ex-hubby is from the past and the past should be left in the past but her view is that her ex-hubby is her good friend and wants to invite her good friends to her wedding. Now, she and her fiancee are at crossroads with each other and it is causing tension in their relationship.

My friend asked me for my opinion on who was right...I was stumped! I dont know because I think both have a good point.

What do you think? Interesting situation, isn't it? Is she disrespecting his wishes or is he disrespecting her wishes?
 
She is disrespecting his. In my opinion, her ex has no business being at the wedding. Maybe, she could compromise and invite him to the reception, or they can have a private dinner after the wedding?
 
I would think the kids would accept the new marriage easier if they know their father wasn't going to be shut out of their lives.
 
oh boy. oh boy. sorry - I don't have any useful advice.
 
Oceanbreeze said:
She is disrespecting his. In my opinion, her ex has no business being at the wedding. Maybe, she could compromise and invite him to the reception, or they can have a private dinner after the wedding?
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I think it's her wedding too so her wishes should be taken into consideration too. I like the idea of a compromise. Maybe invite him and the kids to the reception but not the wedding ceremony.
 
CJB said:
I think it's her wedding too so her wishes should be taken into consideration too. I like the idea of a compromise. Maybe invite him and the kids to the reception but not the wedding ceremony.
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That's basically what I said, because, I think that he should be involved. I just wouldn't invite him to the ceremony.
 
Well sometimes divorce couples do not intention of seeing each others again unless they have children together. The ex husband may be the past, but he's in the kids present and future lives. I think she should have done was consider her future husband's feelings first before she had put her ex husband down to be invited. It's their wedding, their call. They would have to be able to make that decision together.

But, if it was her kids wedding, the father should be allowed to be invited to the wedding. :)
 
The new husband to be has no choice anymore. He has to invite the ex because of the children, but he should put his ass in the worst table and demand that he bring a date...

These are the type of things that one needs to take care of early on in the relationship. I remember the third month of my current relationship. My girl wanted to go to Arizona, to pick up her stuff from her ex's house. She said that she was going to stay in his guest room and that she would be back the following day. She kept going on about how they were friends and nothing more. Shit, I told her that homie don't play that. I told her that I would pay for him to ship her stuff via UPS. I told her that I don't mind her having male friends either, but that I was not going to put up with her being friends with any of her ex's. I'm not a demanding boyfriend, jealous, or paranoid. I just thought it was a matter of respect. So I told her that if she went, I would not be here on her return...

I understand that your friend has kids with her ex, and so there is a need to talk between them. However, friendship constitutes a whole different thing that the new hubby should not put up with...
 
Plus the ex husband is not in the past if he and the bride are still friends.
 
Its your friends wedding, the ex-hubby doesn't need to be there. In all due respects, the children are involved but the wedding has nothing to with the children, they can see their father at a later time. Allow the mom and her new hubby to start a new future together.

I sure, hope it will all work out with your friend.
 
Oh, That is the tough situation. first of all, did her fiancee knows that she and her ex hubby hangs out sometimes as a friend. I am clueless on advising you about it.
 
If I found out that was taking place between my girl and her ex... She would be out the door...
 
I feel if the groom is not comfortable with the bride still being friends then it is a sign of him being insecure about it.
He has no business marrying the gal, if he can not be comfortable that the Ex is still part of her life, as friends.
 
Seems to be too much "chubbiness" between her and the ex ..... Sure, he's the father of the kids .... but her husband-to-be is gonna be "#1" in her life, along with the kids...the ex-hubby should step back...let her and her fiance enjoy "their day".... begin their new life....the ex-hubby could be invited to the reception afterwards.

Making a guest list, and putting down the ex-hubby as the first choice....shows a "red flag"!.....
 
It is a weird situation, isnt it? I am wondering if the relationship isn't secure enough for marriage. Interesting how everyone here has a different view. Robin, I thought the same..."red flag" when my friend told me that the bride put down her ex-hubby first on the guest list. That speaks volumes, doesn't it?
 
I've been with my woman for 19 years now...15 of them married. I've seen it all (or have I?)

If it was me..if this situation arised..I would take my fiance out for dinner at a private table..away from it all..totally secluded and have a discussion. My point would be that I would make her #1 in my life above all else and that I expect her to do the same for me. If she had a problem with that, I would, then and there, give her a choice - Me #1 or him. No ifs, buts, or why's about it. I would also make her understand that when I say it's time to back off the "chubbiness"..it's gonna be done..and vice versa for her towards me too.

If she did elect to make me #1 in my life, I would allow her to invite her ex to the reception and on the condition he brings a date. No date..no invite. As for the children..I would make sure my fiance explained to them that I (new step-father) has no animosity towards the ex-husband..but it's time to move on and that the kids can see/call their pops any time they wish.
 
shel90 said:
It is a weird situation, isnt it? I am wondering if the relationship isn't secure enough for marriage. Interesting how everyone here has a different view. Robin, I thought the same..."red flag" when my friend told me that the bride put down her ex-hubby first on the guest list. That speaks volumes, doesn't it?
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The more I think about it.. Neither one of them are ready. It could be that she is truly friends with the ex. It does send a red flag. On both part. He can not trust her. she is still friendly with the ex.
 
Wow, That's one stumping situation.

Both sides have raised good points. I am also a good friend with my ex husband but I don't think it would be proper to invite the ex husband to the wedding because that day is about them two. Why would it have to be on that day? I mean, the ex husband can find any other day to do things with her and the children. I can understand that the bride-to-be wants to include her ex husband because of the children but she should be thinking about what that day is meant to be for, not just because it is about the children but for what it is meant to be for them.

Personally, I wouldn't invite my ex-husband to my next wedding and it would be uncomfortable because it will create some riveting friction for the families of both sides.

Just saying.
 
Tough one, but it seems strange to me that this has arisen now.. about the wedding guest list. If the husband-to- be knew that your friend was still on close terms with her ex, this shouldn't be a surprise to him.
I'm surprised that he didn't raise his concerns prior to a wedding guest list... the Ex has been in her life during this new relationship.
My ex husband has invited me to both of his weddings, after our divorce. ( Got bets that there will be a third one too..but thats a whole other topic.. grin ) Out of consideration for the bride, I have declined both invitations, but appreciate the gesture and send a nice card wishing them the best of luck. I don't think the invitation has ever been a big issue as the new bride to be has known that our friendship is based on love for our daughter.
Having said all that... if it was me, and it was causing my new husband to be anxiety..i'd skip the invite and tell the Ex hubby.. Sorry. My fiance would be my priority over an Ex husband, hands down.
 
The wedding is not an appropriate place for the ex-husband. It is great that they get along good, especially when children are involved. But this is not the time nor place. The fiance certainly has the right to feel this way, and his feelings should be taken in consideration. This day is not for the children or for the previous family (note the word previous).

This woman needs to stop seeing him as the 2nd husband but rather as her husband. It does matter. And needs to stop seeing her ex as her ex but rather simply as the children's father. It is nice to do things together, but her husband needs to be included in the family affair as well. Don't leave him out.
 
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