A Relationship Phobia?

J

jinxedkitten

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Okay okay, most of you have already heard my sob story when I decided to prey on AD in November. I met my ex when I was a naive 18 year old fool, it took me five long years before I finally wised up and packed my bags.

I left without looking back and I am definitely whistling a more cheerful tune on a daily basis :D.... but here's the deal, he was my only kiss (still is) and he was my first boyfriend. In other words, I have no experiences to compare and contrast. This feller pretty much warped my perspective on how a lady should be treated which is why I constantly "joke" about being an old maid with 44.5 felines.

The last five years of my life was a bottomless pit of constant betrayal and intense loneliness. The thought of being a relationship terrifies me and the vulnerability does not sound appealing to me. I was wondering about your experience about recovering from a doomed relationship? I know everyone has a different tale to share but I'm curious to know if we magically become 'ready' for the next relationship when time passes by.... or do we have to make a conscious decision to face our fears? Any advice would be greatly appreciated!
 
People have said "at first you don't succeed, try, try again"....and the best way to get back into the social circle is to get right back onto that horse!....I followed that for many years. Sadly to say, my last relationship ruined me, Dunno if I let that happen or not...

Ur still young! Some experience under ur belt to boot!...When ur're ready, ur ready for another go at it. Wishing you much luck!
 
Write down what you want in a mate and what flaws you are willing to accept, we all have them. Then socially date as much as you can, treating the dates as a sort of interview of sorts. There is of course some room for change, e.g most men are not as "neat" as women and they have to be trained to raise their standards if they are going to live together. But drastic changes aren't really possible.
 
Rather than rushing into a new "relationship" or even worrying about one, I would suggest first getting to know yourself. Try out some new interests (a sport, an evening class, a hobby, a group with common interest, travel) and don't even consider dating for a while. You don't need that kind of pressure. You need to first decompress.

In the meantime, you're going to make yourself even more interesting and self-confident with your new activities and perspectives.

You're not going to turn into the neighborhood cat lady overnight. :lol:
 
GuidoSarducci said:
Write down what you want in a mate and what flaws you are willing to accept, we all have them. Then socially date as much as you can, treating the dates as a sort of interview of sorts. There is of course some room for change, e.g most men are not as "neat" as women and they have to be trained to raise their standards if they are going to live together. But drastic changes aren't really possible.
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Um, if i understand you right. How can you suppose to know if guys have flaws because you haven't met thereofre there is no need to write down the lists what guys have flaws.

I believe in going with the flow with guys and i will know if there goes wrong or familiar with guys' tendencies. Thats true that you can't change anyone for who they are. It is wise to let anyone be who anyone are. I dont believe in changing anyone for me in order to have relationship. It won't work that way. If i were single, I would not write down and just go with my heart and think of myself as an important person. If anyone wants to change me then I will know that it is not going to work out. :shrug:
 
Reba said:
Rather than rushing into a new "relationship" or even worrying about one, I would suggest first getting to know yourself. Try out some new interests (a sport, an evening class, a hobby, a group with common interest, travel) and don't even consider dating for a while. You don't need that kind of pressure. You need to first decompress.

In the meantime, you're going to make yourself even more interesting and self-confident with your new activities and perspectives.

You're not going to turn into the neighborhood cat lady overnight. :lol;
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I agree. Go with the flow is the best.
 
Reba said:
Rather than rushing into a new "relationship" or even worrying about one, I would suggest first getting to know yourself. Try out some new interests (a sport, an evening class, a hobby, a group with common interest, travel) and don't even consider dating for a while. You don't need that kind of pressure. You need to first decompress.

In the meantime, you're going to make yourself even more interesting and self-confident with your new activities and perspectives.

You're not going to turn into the neighborhood cat lady overnight. :lol;
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That is an advice I would strongly suggest to take first and moremost.

It was what I did after my divorce and like you my ex hubby was my first serious boyfriend. I got to know who I was and most of all, learned to love myself after years of hating myself. I think that helps me to be more successful at compromising, standing up for what I believe in and be more confident in my 2nd marriage.
 
Reba said:
Rather than rushing into a new "relationship" or even worrying about one, I would suggest first getting to know yourself. Try out some new interests (a sport, an evening class, a hobby, a group with common interest, travel) and don't even consider dating for a while. You don't need that kind of pressure. You need to first decompress.

In the meantime, you're going to make yourself even more interesting and self-confident with your new activities and perspectives.

You're not going to turn into the neighborhood cat lady overnight. :lol;
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I agree. When you are in a long relationship, sometime you tend to loose yourself. You are still young, you don't need to rush! :)
 
Wow Reba, that was well versed and I completely agree with you.

I appreciate every single feedback from my fellow ADers, it truly helped clear quite a bit of mud.

I simply need to focus on myself and recuperate before I consider dating (which does not sound appealing to me, I prefer to accidentally fall in love with a friend instead of going on the prowl with a dang checklist in my hand O_O)

Rediscovering myself is going to be quite a journey :)

Thanks for the help!
 
Reba said:
Rather than rushing into a new "relationship" or even worrying about one, I would suggest first getting to know yourself. Try out some new interests (a sport, an evening class, a hobby, a group with common interest, travel) and don't even consider dating for a while. You don't need that kind of pressure. You need to first decompress.

In the meantime, you're going to make yourself even more interesting and self-confident with your new activities and perspectives.

You're not going to turn into the neighborhood cat lady overnight. :lol:
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Fantastic advice!
 
Wirelessly posted (Blackberry: BlackBerry9630/4.7.1.40 Profile/MIDP-2.0 Configuration/CLDC-1.1 VendorID/104)

Random question but does "single but not looking" even work? I decided to tell a feller that irl and he was texting my friend all night for the scoop. I was flattered BUT had no idea how to make it more clear? Should I refer guys to the FU thread next time?
 
jinxedkitten said:
Wirelessly posted (Blackberry: BlackBerry9630/4.7.1.40 Profile/MIDP-2.0 Configuration/CLDC-1.1 VendorID/104)

Random question but does "single but not looking" even work? I decided to tell a feller that irl and he was texting my friend all night for the scoop. I was flattered BUT had no idea how to make it more clear? Should I refer guys to the FU thread next time?
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you can direct him to Jess
 
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Jiro said:
jinxedkitten said:
Wirelessly posted (Blackberry: BlackBerry9630/4.7.1.40 Profile/MIDP-2.0 Configuration/CLDC-1.1 VendorID/104)

Random question but does "single but not looking" even work? I decided to tell a feller that irl and he was texting my friend all night for the scoop. I was flattered BUT had no idea how to make it more clear? Should I refer guys to the FU thread next time?
Click to expand...

you can direct him to Jess
Click to expand...

Lol if only I had a Jess nutcracker in my purse but come on, is there a way to be blunt without hurting feelings? Gasp maybe I will say that I am not so straight?
 
jinxedkitten said:
Wirelessly posted (Blackberry: BlackBerry9630/4.7.1.40 Profile/MIDP-2.0 Configuration/CLDC-1.1 VendorID/104)



Lol if only I had a Jess nutcracker in my purse but come on, is there a way to be blunt without hurting feelings? Gasp maybe I will say that I am not so straight?
Click to expand...

yes be blunt. they're guys. they're supposed to take it like a real man.
 
Wirelessly posted (Blackberry: BlackBerry9630/4.7.1.40 Profile/MIDP-2.0 Configuration/CLDC-1.1 VendorID/104)

Jiro said:
jinxedkitten said:
Wirelessly posted (Blackberry: BlackBerry9630/4.7.1.40 Profile/MIDP-2.0 Configuration/CLDC-1.1 VendorID/104)



Lol if only I had a Jess nutcracker in my purse but come on, is there a way to be blunt without hurting feelings? Gasp maybe I will say that I am not so straight?
Click to expand...

yes be blunt. they're guys. they're supposed to take it like a real man.
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I won't be in a comic strip if I do? :p
 
jinxedkitten said:
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I won't be in a comic strip if I do? :p
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it was drawn after you, doll :)
 
I would have been simpler - 'Sorry, I'm taken' -- I know some girls lies to guys these days.
 
What's the hurry? Like what Reba and otehrs are saying-get to know yourself for a while. You've got the rest of your life ahead of you. Make it about you for a while.
 
Jiro said:
yes be blunt. they're guys. they're supposed to take it like a real man.
Click to expand...

I agree, be blunt :) I have a hard time with this. I am blunt in every other respect, go figure. Anyway, sometimes blunt doesn't work, then you may have to be mean. This is esp. true at a bar or club :)
 
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