Would You Tell?

freckles

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I've been thinking about this long weekend, still not sure whether to tell or just leave out of this.

sticky situation it is. last may I was babysitting two kids of my friend's, their mother, R. a long time friend. all of sudden R came home way early than usual and she was crying, sobbing. I asked if anything I could do. she said to not worry, just "bad news" she got about her work.

fast forward to last weekend, july 4th party. saw R with her family, 2 kids and hubby, M there. at one point we, R & me, just us out by corner of lawn--we were talking about stuff and work, I asked if everything's good at work now. she finally told me the truth yet have never told her hubby M yet and "never will." that she, uh, had an abortion whose baby "accidentally" was from a different guy. :shock:

part of me truly want to slap her and say what's matter with you?? (affair, abortion and secret). part of me want to just tell M the truth. I love that guy, a very good guy, a father who loves his kids more than his passions (he has 4, two are still minors). a former cop, I consider him my father too. I feel M deserves to know the truth... but I am afraid I'll make it worse or maybe it's not necessary at all since it's really between them? I'd hate to lose both of them either way. not telling him or telling on her.

what would you do?

I could tell it was an 'accident'. R wouldn't mean anything and loves M very much just equally--just that she drifts out of her mind sometimes. :( I sure hope that was her last (and first) time; she swore it'll never happen again.. what bothers me most is I'm still and will still babysit the little kids --I'll be walking around and see the father with guilty of 'secret' in back of my head for next few years.

too bad. too bad this happened.
 
I wouldn't tell M. I would tell R to get counseling, and to get tested for STD's. If it bothers you to babysit, then don't do it.
 
Wow, just wow - I think it is not your position to tell, let R make her deicison to tell M but I'm with reba above ^^
 
I wouldn't tell about the abortion, it isn't really the husband's business.

But as far as affair, I don't know. The question is, did she stop the affair? if so, let it go. She probably tell him sometimes in the future.
 
Basically, it's not your place to tell M. R should tell him on her own and to be open, honest and forthcoming with M about the situation. She should have some counseling to help her through it all. If you are uncomfortable, explain to R how you feel and that you don't feel right taking care of the kids or being in the company of M (while at social gathering or in passing) with him not knowing.
 
Yeah... Unless you are directly related to the current husband, it has "do not open, major can of worms" aura gleaming all about it, feels like it should be business between the two of them to handle. Should you get involved, maybe there are consequences in their family matters and it will go back to you. If it troubles you anywhere, you should treat "R" with the proper respect you think she deserves in the relationship between the two of you.

I know how sometimes it feels like someone needs to know something when you have information that could potentially change their view of things or lifestyle even.
Sometimes the truth is best left unsaid, leave it for others to find out if they ever do.
As the saying goes - they would've found out on their own, if not, it was never intended for them to figure it out.
 
I would stay out of it. Not your problem but if you feel uncomfortable knowing this dirty secret, maybe it is best to limit hanging out with them. That's just me.
 
That would be a tough situation, Freckles. I would feel so uncomfortable harboring a secret for your friend ... Yet I would not want to get in the middle of it. Seems to me that your friend needs to tell her husband the truth, otherwise there will always be that dark cloud hanging over her head with the secret she's carrying. And it's a big one, at that... Good luck with your friend.
 
NO, I wouldn't tell...but I would be angry and upset that she told me about it!...Since ur so close to that family, even babysit their kids and think of him as "ur father"..... and a good man in ur eyes.....

People do have "little dirty secrets" and it affects their conscience, and they "unload" off to the person they feel comfortable and close to....It may have made her feel better...but she was not thinking about how you would feel!.....And something like this can destroy the entire family....

Sorry it happened...and I know you will not be able to forget it, thanks to her for telling you!....She should have "unloaded" this to her priest/pastor, even her doctor or mother....More than likely, you will never look at her in the same way you did before becuz of loss of respect, and ur feelings towards her could become hard and bitter.....Her mistake!

Some things are better off left unsaid...untold!...Sure, it affects our conscience, but we should realize that it would and will affect others if they find out or are told of it.
 
yeah if you did tell then u wud gotten yourself in middle of their problems so better stay out of it and let him find out for himself.. :) like deaf community is real small.. so don't feel bad just move on ;)
 
I believe this will change the way you look at this friend. Keep yourself out of this situation. I would consider avoiding this couple if possible. If she has cheated already, it is likely this marriage is doomed. A heavy burden for you. Good luck.
 
yea yeah.. I thought it was BEST to not get involved just as if she never told me this... but oh boy, if R tells M and then M knows that I have knew this all along I'd probably lose his respect. 100% and I might'd kill myself for that. I only know he'd appreciate if I'd warned or told him.

plus, I would want to know if it happened to me (if my hubby got other woman pregnant). wouldn't you, too?

ugh....ugh, wish she hadn't told me that. easier. I live by golden rule is what makes this harder. for me atleast. again, I'd not want to violate her trust too. I've known and babysat their kids for 12 years now. if I limit hang outs with them now, basicially for "oh, no reason," M sure would have found out.

so I guess for now, I'll just telll R how I feel about this and encourage her to.. um.. uh... yeah. this woman thinks she just can get away with everything.
 
lol okay.. reading this over again and again, making sure I am clear and reading "M" & "R" over again -- 'MR', I'm really feeling retarded about all of this already :lol: so I. need. to. stop. thinking. for now. and. go bed. so,..

good night and thank you everyone for your time responding to this, 'ppreciate it.

..freckles
 
I know how you feel when you found out from your best friend's affair and had to have an abortion to hide the secret from her loving husband. It is a hard situation when she had to tell you as she trust you as a very close friend. She need someone for emotional support as she is out of her mind and not know what to do about making the decision to tell her hubby or not. It is better not to be in the middle between R and M. I think counseling would be able to help her deal with her secret between her hubby and the abortion (affair). Don't worry about her husband finding out the truth from her or/and you.

If you are thinking about what happen if your husband went out on an affair, you want to know the truth from a friend. Still it would be better not to tell you about the secret unless the husband want to tell you the secret himself. Having a friend telling you the truth when your husband did not try to explain or tell you the truth as it is trying to find the time to get the courage to tell you the truth can cause damage to your friendship. That is why it is better not to be in the middle of what is happening between wife and husband. Everybody want the truth very much and the truth is hard to take when it comes with friendship. I guess that is life. I want truth, too. But I will have to find out myself sooner or later, if my husband having an affair with someone. Best is not to know about it, though. :( :hug:
 
If it helps any .. quite a few if not the majority of replies of the best course of action in here stem from a conservative viewpoint. After all, you did ask us what we would do.
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I think this is really a case of how you associate with your personality. You have two clashing sides, the two little imaginary devil-angel sitting on your shoulders arguing with each other. The weight of justice on both sides conflict each other.

If you're the dangerous and/or loud type and feel that a 'liberalistic' approach is the best means for the pursuits of life; by all means don't let our opinion hold you back. It is really a case of heart vs brain here. :thumb:
 
just about to hop into bed, another notification came in..

true, very true bebon ... I'd rather find out, truth told by MY hubby, not someone else ... yeah, sooner or later.. sigh.

thanks!

(glad I could ask what you could do, naisho, see above).
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hey!
It is my opinion in there, I just didn't start them out or write "I" so I wouldn't get traced back if something backfired. Precautionary measure, I swear... lol
Anyway, enjoy your night. I do hope the results will play themselves out in the intended direction for the sake of your friendship with them.
 
R needs to be honest herself to tell her husband , M. Its not your duty to tell her husband. I agree with Reba , suggest to your friend, R to see a counselor.
 
I wouldn't tell about the abortion, it isn't really the husband's business.

But as far as affair, I don't know. The question is, did she stop the affair? if s
o, let it go. She probably tell him sometimes in the future.[/QUO

If the wife has heart surgery, if she gets breast implants, if she gets a ingrown toenail removed, if, if ,if...this is not the husband's business!?!?
You better get a clue because yes it is!!!
 
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