Is spanking on the kids belong kind of abuse?

Liebling:-)))

Sussi *7.7.86 - 18.6.09*
Premium Member
I found the link from google where there're discussion over this "abuse" issue in other forum today and thought to myself to add this interesting link to here.

Very interesting link, it's worth to read them.



http://www.naturalchild.com/alice_miller/v...kills_love.html

AM: Spanking is always an abuse of power. It is humiliating and it creates fear. A state of fear can only teach children to be distrustful and hide their true feelings. They learn from their parents that violence is the right way of resolving conflicts and that they are bad or unworthy and thus deserve correction. These children will soon forget why they were spanked. They will submit very quickly, but later in life, they will do the same to weaker persons. By spanking we teach violence. The child’s body has learned the lesson of violence from their parents over a long period and we cannot expect it to suddenly forget these lessons at the behest of religious values, which the body doesn’t understand anyway. Instead, it retains the memory of being spanked.

Very true

About threat, spanking, force, etc.


http://www.nospank.net/plntk.htm


Come and share your feedback/opinion/debate with us how you handle your children here. Please do not bash/insult but respect when any members have different opinions than us how to deal with their children. Remember that every parents have different opinion how to handle their children.

Remember nobody says here that you are bad parents but have different discipline on their children.

Agree to Disagree is welcome which it's good for all of us to collect our experience how to educate our children. :thumb:
 

GalaxyAngel

New Member
The best displinice is another way of methods likely eg: lose thier privillage instead spank the children.

If spank countine, Children can be lead into Angry, bad calling names, run away, and much more.. Pretty scary real seriouis. Child protection can taken your child away because of "spanking or any kind of abusing". Isn't worth for you use your own bare hands strike on your child. Just use another way of displinice.

By the way best displince which did you see liebling's posted stated the links.
Important for your education information helpful.
 

Angel

♥"Concrete Angel"♥
Premium Member
It's depending on how they spank their kids, some will use an object such as a belt or any type of whipping and I do believe that is an act of abuse but for the hand spanking, no I don't believe it is an abuse in my own eyes the reason why I said this is because when I was growing up, my parents did spanked me and my dad used a wooden paddle, if I behave badly. when I look back at things that I've done when I was getting that kind of punishment from my parents, I turned out to be good person not a bad one....I believe my parents did what they had to do in order to get my act together and be good....I was never been in trouble at school, or staying out late drinking or parties...They're good parents and they meant no harm to me or my sisters, all they did was teach us a lesson or two...

The bottom line is, I never thought of it as an abuse when my parents did this to me when I was growing up.... :dunno:
 

Reba

Retired Terp
Premium Member
Spanking is not abuse if done properly.

Properly done means not done in anger, not done too harshly.

Properly means doing more often for the younger child, and tapering off as the need decreases.

Properly means making a direct connection between the punishment and the offense.

Properly means using other methods of discipline when possible.

Spanking is not "violence" if it is done without screaming, and in a restricted, self-controlled way.

Losing privileges works only if the child values those privileges. Otherwise, it is "so what?"

Discipline also depends on the individual child's personality. Some kids whither at just a raised eyebrow from the parent. Others are very resiliant rebels and require stronger methods such as repeated spanking and restriction. The method has to fit the child.

In general, spanking is not abuse.
 

Angel

♥"Concrete Angel"♥
Premium Member
Exactly!!! well said there Reba, I knew you could say it a whole lot better than I could...heh..
 

Liebling:-)))

Sussi *7.7.86 - 18.6.09*
Premium Member
Well I see different.

I know what spanking is - it's HURT to "punish" or "give the children lesson".

Yes, I know that the children are no angel and the parents don't have to be prefect but we try do our best. Remember, Nobody are prefect.

I admitted that I spanked my eldest son in the past. I stop it after learned a lot of tips from therapist where I accompanied my son to for over 2 years (improve his behavior, he has ADD problem) and realized what I made is pain wrong. I have to change and improve my mistake. I also got tips from Children Education Lecture at parent conference, too. They said that that it’s STILL abuse when you spank your children with your own hand. Spanking is not belongs to kind of disciplining/punishment but abuse. No matter what/how you spank them. I realized that the tips is working without spank on them and make my children respect more and more.

I discipline my children with firm voice to show them that I’m serious. It’s work. Yes, I ground my children without spank on where I know their favorite points. Example: no favorite TV programs, no computer (I gave them time limit to use computer), no play with PS2, no visit from his friends, no go out with their friends. Those points, I ground to upset them. Never give up but stick those rules firm. What they doing during their ground time is listen the music or reading the book or writing or play game with us or tidy their rooms.

I don’t believe to threat to scare my children but warning. Something like that. I warned them that I would be upset because I don’t like what they did. I mean it serious. They listen. Yes, I “threat” my children. I would call it as “threat” when I said to my children to let my friends come to look around their rooms. They said “Oh no please”. I answered “then tidy up”.

Yes, spank is HURT; it would not help the children to “wake up” and solve anything. I know what is this because I had been through with my first child & also my past, too what/how my parents did to me. I know what hurt alike because I received spanked by my parents and abused with emotional by my step dad.

I remember that my Dad spanked me a lot until I was 16 years old. I smacked my Dad’s face back and told him to not dare to hurt me ever again in the future and then said to him that no wonder why my brother beat him up. (I guess I watched how my Dad haven’t hurt my brother anymore since his last hit Dad back) It “awakes” my Dad up that I as woman can hit him back. My Grandma defended me from him and sat with him and let me go out to calm down. I was back home and found my Grandma waiting. She also sat to have a good talk with me, too and then Dad came to us and sat with me. We talked and talked then make up peaceful. Now you see why we do that because we don’t like what they did to hurt us. I felt it’s no punishment but HURT.

The studies found out that a lot of children hit their parents back or beat them up to show their parents up what they did to them is hurtful and it could also turn the children into violence etc. That’s why it has to stop and give the parents the tips to not do that.

Remember nobody says here that you are bad parents because everyone have different how to discipline on their children.

Yes, I'm agree that being parents is not easy job but with lot of love, attention, respect and teach the children into right path.

I don´t mind to receive an information or lecture from anyone BECAUSE I want to learn about this. I see nothing wrong for every parents to collect their experience thru information or lecture. Yes, I often went to parent conference to receive lecture there because I want the best for my children.

Receive the lecture or information does not mean that you are a bad or stupid parent but want the best for your children.

Nobody forces you to agree with my link here if you feel this information or lecture is not right for you.

I would be interesting to collect any feedback here what you have different tips or disagree or whatever... :thumb:
 

Angel

♥"Concrete Angel"♥
Premium Member
It's okay to disagree here Liebling because not all parents raise their children alike.... :hug:

You're not wrong for feeling this way or thinking that spanking is an act of abuse yet when a child is not behaving all the time and gets out of control, then what will you do?... :dunno:
 

Reba

Retired Terp
Premium Member
^Angel^ said:
Exactly!!! well said there Reba, I knew you could say it a whole lot better than I could...heh..
Thanks, but you said it just fine.

I especially like what you said:
The bottom line is, I never thought of it as an abuse when my parents did this to me when I was growing up....
Same here. I didn't realize I was "abused" or "poor" or "deprived" until that became "popular" 20 years later. :)
 

Liebling:-)))

Sussi *7.7.86 - 18.6.09*
Premium Member
@Angel, I have no problem to have you to disagree with me. :hug:

Like what I say that everyone have different... It doesn't mean that you are a bad parent like what I already said in my first thread. :angel:

@ Angel and Reba,

The bottom line is, I never thought of it as an abuse when my parents did this to me when I was growing up....

Same here. I didn't realize I was "abused" or "poor" or "deprived" until that became "popular" 20 years later.

Yes, it's same with me, too. I never thought that I was abused or also abused with emotionally, too. All what I only know is "hurt", that's all. It makes me angry and aggressive. This aggressive turn me into power person/strength to able to "hit" my Dad back and then scream on him, then I feel much better.

More years later I learn that it's an abused. I was like :eek: and really never thought but I only know that I hide more and more from my parents and can't open everything to them. I know now why I denied my parents more and more because of my fear thru their "abused". We shared this issue at parent conference and got shock and agree that it's abused because it "force" children into liar. They "have to" tell you lie to defend themselves. That's how I learn ALOT from parent conference.





What would you say if you receive spanking from your partner to punish you to fail cook the dinner, horrible taste, stubborn, etc.? Is it not abuse or what?
 
C

Cookie Monster

Guest
Each parent(s) has their own parenting method(s) and that usually does come with spanking or not.

I do not believe in smacking my child across the mouth when my child is little because my child needs his/her mouth (teeth, throat and lips) for communication, eating and breathing. An adult hand can inflict so much damage on a wee child's mouth so I refuse to touch my child's face. I can recall from experience as a child that the face is the most sensitive part of the body.

I will spank my child if he/she darts into rush hour after several attempts to explain to him the dangers of not staying by my side.

All in all.. parents are doing good by themselves and the funny thing is that, it is other parents criticising other parents about their parenting methods when those people should focus on themselves and their children. It's my feeling, that's all and I know it will change once when I have my own baby in my own arms.
 

Reba

Retired Terp
Premium Member
Liebling:-))) said:
...Yes, I ground my children without spank on where I know their favorite points. Example: no favorite TV programs, no computer (I gave them time limit to use computer), no play with PS2, no visit from his friends, no go out with their friends. ..
That doesn't work with children who are too young to have "favorite points" or too young to have friends that they will miss. It is meaningless to them.


Yes, spank is HURT...
That's the point. The child knows it hurts, and wants to avoid that hurt again, so he/she will change behavior. Yes, it hurts, but it is quick, and heals quickly (if done properly). It is actually a quicker punishment than restriction. There is an immediate connection between the bad behavior and the punishment. The child knows exactly what he/she did wrong to deserve the spanking. Then it is over. No need to dwell on it. Spanking, crying, done, finish. Now, let's hug and play together. The love never stops. Spanking is just something unpleasant but necessary that needs to be quickly done to get it over. Like pulling out a rotten tooth. It is necessary to hurt for a short time to get rid of it. After, ahhh, feels so much better because the pain is gone, and the mouth health is improved.

it would not help the children to “wake up” and solve anything. I know what is this because I had been through with my first child & also my past, too what/how my parents did to me. I know what hurt alike because I received spanked by my parents and abused with emotional by my step dad.
Each child is different. Also, what you describe that happened to you is not just simple spanking. You also experienced emotional abuse, and your spanking continued past the necessary age. There were additional problems there, beyond spanking, right?
 

Liebling:-)))

Sussi *7.7.86 - 18.6.09*
Premium Member
Cookie Monster said:
All in all.. parents are doing good by themselves and the funny thing is that, it is other parents criticising other parents about their parenting methods when those people should focus on themselves and their children. It's my feeling, that's all and I know it will change once when I have my own baby in my own arms.

I see no problem to share feedback/opinion with other parents with agreement/disagreement.

I share discuss with other parents with no problem... We went parent conference often... All what we (parents) do is want the best for our children's future.
 

Angel

♥"Concrete Angel"♥
Premium Member
Liebling:-))) said:
What would you say if you receive spanking from your partner to punish you to fail cook the dinner, horrible taste, stubborn, etc.? Is it not abuse or what?

Usually when guys spank their ladies, it more of a fun act then an abuse, but when a guy hit a lady that is an abuse!
 

Angel

♥"Concrete Angel"♥
Premium Member
Reba said:
That's the point. The child knows it hurts, and wants to avoid that hurt again, so he/she will change behavior. Yes, it hurts, but it is quick, and heals quickly (if done properly). It is actually a quicker punishment than restriction. There is an immediate connection between the bad behavior and the punishment. The child knows exactly what he/she did wrong to deserve the spanking. Then it is over. No need to dwell on it. Spanking, crying, done, finish. Now, let's hug and play together. The love never stops. Spanking is just something unpleasant but necessary that needs to be quickly done to get it over. Like pulling out a rotten tooth. It is necessary to hurt for a short time to get rid of it. After, ahhh, feels so much better because the pain is gone, and the mouth health is improved.

Exactly!! :thumb:
 

Reba

Retired Terp
Premium Member
Liebling said:
...What would you say if you receive spanking from your partner to punish you to fail cook the dinner, horrible taste, stubborn, etc.? Is it not abuse or what?
Wives are not the children of husbands. Wives are equal partners with husbands. They are not supposed to "punish" each other. Husbands aren't "raising" wives like children. That is abuse.

Spanking children is not for "punishment". Spanking is for discipline, that is, to teach them the right way to behave. It is not for anger or revenge or cruelty; that would be abuse.
 
C

Cookie Monster

Guest
Reba said:
Wives are not the children of husbands. Wives are equal partners with husbands. They are not supposed to "punish" each other. Husbands aren't "raising" wives like children. That is abuse.

Spanking children is not for "punishment". Spanking is for discipline, that is, to teach them the right way to behave. It is not for anger or revenge or cruelty; that would be abuse.


Reba is so correct there. Spouses aren't property of each other, spouses are equal partners in everything.

If a spouse abused another spouse, that spouse was reactive instead of proactive.

If a parent spanked a child instead of disciplining, that parent was reactive instead of proactive.

reactive- Spanking a child/abusing a spouse
proactive-Taking away child's privileges/communicating with spouse

In life, one must be proactive instead of reactive.
 

Liebling:-)))

Sussi *7.7.86 - 18.6.09*
Premium Member
Reba said:
That doesn't work with children who are too young to have "favorite points" or too young to have friends that they will miss. It is meaningless to them.

Young children? Do you mean toddler before goes to Kindergarten?

I remember how I did with my 2nd son is good patience and alway have a good talk/explain why he should not do etc. I alway said to him: Please don't do that then I will be upset... Ground with their favorite points are the best than spank to hurt them.

With ground points, where I know their favorite since after kindergarten.


That's the point. The child knows it hurts, and wants to avoid that hurt again, so he/she will change behavior. Yes, it hurts, but it is quick, and heals quickly (if done properly). It is actually a quicker punishment than restriction. There is an immediate connection between the bad behavior and the punishment. The child knows exactly what he/she did wrong to deserve the spanking. Then it is over. No need to dwell on it. Spanking, crying, done, finish. Now, let's hug and play together. The love never stops. Spanking is just something unpleasant but necessary that needs to be quickly done to get it over. Like pulling out a rotten tooth. It is necessary to hurt for a short time to get rid of it. After, ahhh, feels so much better because the pain is gone, and the mouth health is improved.

I have 2 children. I spanked eldest son and never spanked my 2nd son. I know the difference. It makes him wild and aggressive after got spank from me (bottom and hand, no head/face). The therapist advised me to try to stop it and give me alot of tips... I realized that tips are work great without spank. I deal with 2nd son with no spank. I deal with my children in my hard and serious voice.

Each child is different. Also, what you describe that happened to you is not just simple spanking. You also experienced emotional abuse, and your spanking continued past the necessary age. There were additional problems there, beyond spanking, right?


Yes, that's right the each child is different. We (parents) have to do something when we know their behavior. Example of all, my eldest son lost temper and scream like wild. I hold him tight like hug until he calm down... That's what I got the tip from parent conference. Each parents share their concern of their children's behavior at parent conference. I watched and collect their tips and I share mine, too.

Spanking with only hand what my Dad did to me, not belt, brush, etc. what you mean but my stepdad. My Dad only smack my face, head, legs, hands, & bottom. It's REALLY hurt, not just hurt that's why I hit him back to give him lesson for not hurt me ever again in the future after saw how my 12 years old brother "beat" him up. :eek: He never touch my brother ever since that's why it got me aggressive and hit him back. It shock him because he never thought that woman CAN hit him... :eek: He didn't touch me ever again since that happened. He never touch my sister again after got hit from me.
 

Liebling:-)))

Sussi *7.7.86 - 18.6.09*
Premium Member
Interesting thread here.


It make no difference either wives, husbands, or children but I still consider it as "HURT" is "HURT". Yes I compare the hurt between husband/wife or parent/children because I know what it is this because my ex boyfriend "spanked" me an exactly same "hurt" as my parents "spanked" me.


I remember one woman who divorced her husband for an abuse because he spanked her face. Her ex-husband filed a lawsuit against her for abuse on their children because the children told him that their mother spank them. This situtation make her realize how wrong she is because she knew herself how hurt she felt when she receive spank from her husband in the past. I asked her either she received spank from her parents in the past. She said no never until her husband for a first time and know it's hurt when he smack her face.


It's exact same example with the children. Adult have strong & big hand to hurt the small children and hurt their small body.

I beleive that spanking with hand is belong to kind of abuse because it hurts everybody's body.
 

Eve

New Member
I agree whole-heartedly with Angel and Reba. Nothing I could say could add to what they have already stated.
 

Eve

New Member
I personally prefer THIS method:
BK064.jpg
 
Top